So many questions, no answers

What would you say your strengths are? Your weaknesses? Who would you say has had a great impact on your life and why? Are you looking for a career or a job? Are you willing to relocate? In case you can't tell, I have a job interview tomorrow. The first interview is on the phone. Then a follow up in person. I am really nervous. I am more worried I will get the job, then not. I have never turned down a job offer before. Not even a stupid one. I think the summer with the kids made me crazy enough to go back to work, but summer is ending in two and a half weeks. Shit. Well, wish me luck? How about wish me to figure out what it is I truly want. The money would be good. I asked for a nice salary. What would I do with baby K? The older boys? My house? My social life? Target? I am so ahead of myself, it is ridiculous! It's just a phone interview! Follow up tomorrow.

Anyone Want to Dance?

So I had a date. It had to be postponed for a week, I was sad about that, but whatever. I meet her at the bar fro 2 step lessons. She couldn't stop jumping around and moving. I started to suspect she was on something, but i couldn't get E alone to ask her. I asked her why she was so hyper and I called her cracky once also. She did not like that... E kept looking at us so I assumed she noticed too. Anyway after the lesson, she started to come down. She said she needed to go out to the car to get a lollipop. Claiming hypoglycemia. She finished the sucker and i expect that she would pop back up, but then she starts biting her lower and scrunching her face up. She started to fall asleep at the table. (Je called i between all this and I was a little perturbed because I wanted to talk to her but couldn't because I was on the worst date ever.) This girl finally leaves. Scrunch scrunch, chew chew. I call Je immediatley. I tell her I had the worst date ever and she says, sorry. Then she says, no I'm not really sorry. She likes me.... So here I am, no better off than last week, with no dance partner and now a third notch on the disater girl belt.

And just cuz I don't want to start a whole new blog...

I really like Je. She's smart, funny and, I think, hella sexy. The problem is, I don't want to like her. She's so far away. I want to be near her, right now, in fact. Out of the girls I have hung out with so far, she is the only one who has really turned me on. With the exception of course of one person. Hehe... Maybe it's just the more experirnce I have with girls, the more natural things come? I don't know, but I don't feel intimidated by her at all. I don't feel the pressure of expectation. Could it be the distance? I'm not really worried about it all the time, just when I think about it.

KR

I miss you in a big way. Are you ever coming home to stay there? I miss your laugh and your kind way and your sarcasm. Oh and Cherry bomb is next week, yo!! You still going? Loosen up my buttons babe...

Unprovoked Attack

We'll get through this D. I understand that you are emotional right now. If you think I am not going through the same thoughts and questions as you, you are wrong. You have been gone all summer. I have relied on E for alot. Yes we are closer, but she cannot replace you, just as you could never replace her. I love you both so much and never would have thought there would be jealous animosity between you. You are there for me in ways I never knew a friend could be there. And I know you will still be that friend, even after this afternoon. I made a decision not to go to a water park. I had to be back on my side of town by 5. Not easy during rush hour. As for Monday, I had plans with E before I even knew you were coming home. You didn't even know when you were coming home until I was already in San Diego. Hanging up on me because you said all you wanted was a bit childish, hanging up on me three times was disrespectful. As far as having me all to yourself, we both know we need to plan that. No kids, no spouses, no V, no E! If you want to get fired up about E being with me alot of our hang out time, then I will bring up V. When is the last time you and I went out dancing alone? Never. V is always there. I don't complain. When was the last time we had a drink alone? A very long time. I don't complain. In the beginning, I got that it was easier for you to keep it up with V when I was around. I didn't complain. When I needed you alone, I told you. Most of the time it happened, but sometimes, I was disappointed to find V was coming. The thing is, I wasn't jealous, I never questioned our relationship. I love you and I know you are my friend, I know you have my heart. I feel like you are taking out the Scott thing on me. I have nothing to do with that. I have nothing to do with Soh or the fact that you want to keep hanging out with them after they repeatedly hurt you. I get that you are upset and I am here to listen, but not to be yelled at because you are upset about somebody else. Please talk to me when you are ready. I will be here.


12 am follow up
We are on the mend. I talked to you tonight. You and me babe. I love you!

San Diego Pride

Chapter 1
The Drive There

Left Friday evening. Rode in the back seat of a VW beetle. E and J drove. Music was loud. Weed was free flowing. That is until we had to stop at a border patrol check point...with drug sniffing dogs...ten minutes after we smoked...with E driving... Whoa! Shaking. Cigarettes burning. Freaking, not me though. I was too stoned to be freaked out. Before I left, I promised E I would be nice to J. I made sure I thanked her and told her how much of a rock star she was. Maybe a little over done, but who cares? I wanted to have a great weekend. I figured once I got to the club, I could break away if I needed. I am not as hopeless as E would have everyone believe. :) E and I texted the whole way and when we were almost there, we got caught by J! Shit! foiled again by that meddling kid! We got to the hotel room which I had to sneak into because we only paid for two people. (Got caught anyway!!!) We all changed our clothes (in case I forget to mention it, E had a major breakthrough... she was able to change in front of people, well maybe just her shirt, but that's really good! You go, darlin'!!)

Chapter 2
Tube Top Hottie

So I bought this tube top like 6 months ago, but I couldn't wear it because it was a little see through. I knew it looked good on me, so I finally broke down and bought a strapless bra to wear under it. My boobs looked big, my jeans were a perfect fit, not being a fat day and all. J has changed about four times already. In the car, we had a discussion about tube tops and how sexy they can be. J said she would have to see it on me first to decide if I should wear it. AS IF!!!! Oh J, you don't like my top, I will change it now.....NOT!!! Fucking tard! Anyway, I looked good. But J didn't like the color. Well the green and cream were alright, but the blue stripe. And the way the stripes were diagonal. Holy hell J, does that J stand for jealous much? J then stated that she had to change because she "could not be out-femmed by" me. I will decipher that code for everyone, it goes as follows, "J (me) looks so much hotter than I do and I can't let that happen, cuz I'm way prettier (me snickering), so I will change into something I think is way cooler and sexier." Leggings and a dress, J? Nice try though.

Chapter 3
The Loft and Getting to It

Pick up L at the airport. So we're a little late. I guess J didn't know that about me and E. we're never on time, especially together. not knowing S.D., J did a really good job of navigating all 4000 freeways. We made it to downtown a little after midnight. E and I were really hungry and E was in a particularly bad mood. (Low blood sugar.) J wanted to go out to a club. I know I wasn't feeling it, but.... So we couldn't find one. We called everyone we knew to give us some clue as to where to go, but to no avail. We ended up in Hillcrest, the predominately gay section of town, at a bar called The Loft. It was a gay man's club, which there seem to be a lot more of around. i didn't feel like drinking so I went and danced with a nice old man, then I went outside to enjoy the fabulous weather, watch gay men have a super dramatic argument and read the Pride Guide. E came looking for me; I guess she thought I left like I did the other night from E Lounge, but alas, I just wanted air.

Chapter 4
Mission Beach Taco

We left The Loft and J, ever the princess and courteous hostess, wanted to take E to the beach, thinking that was what she needed to obtain a better state of mind, when in fact it was just sustenance. We found our way to Mission Beach, thanks to Gary and Terri. Two food stands were open. J and L went to the Gyro stand and E and I went to the taco stand. On our way to get tacos, some guy told me he liked pussy as much as I did. And he proceeded to go into detail. Thank you guy, I needed that. Yummy burrito!! Hell yeah! E ordered tacos. This may sound irrelevant but as you are about to read, it is not. There was a guy in line behind us. He started talking to E about his tacos. She said her tacos were better because she ordered hers first. The guys interpret ted and restated her comment as such, "I guess your tacos would taste better cuz you eat them better." Haha!! I laughed my ass off. That is not what she said at all! That guy insisted that was what he heard.

Chapter 5
Beach, Burrito and Low Tide

While my friends sat away from the water, I got as close as possible. I love the ocean. She speaks to my soul. She calms me and coddles my sore heart. Peace floods my body with every incoming wave. She is my friend and I am free to let my thoughts wander when I am with her. I thought so much about nothing and everything in that half hour alone. (That's another whole blog.) I could hear them from time to time and felt sorry that they (especially E) could not feel what I was at that moment. I guess she might have, but I don't know. She was with J, so I assume she was not feeling complacent. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" Irish accent, that was enough for Lauren. She went off for a tussle in the sand with Phillip. back to the hotel. lucky we didn't get kicked out, I guess the manager figured out there were four of us, not two, but we all know how Neverlies embellishes her stories. Hard time sleeping. Should have smoked before bed. Giggling from the next bed over.

Chapter 6
Pride Day!

Woke up at 9:30. Totally not enough sleep. Showered, washed my hair. J says she will flat iron it for me. Great, I said, cuz I can't ever do the back well. I started to do it while she tried on 10 different outfits. Rainbow halter, bikini top, black shirt, white tank, jeans, black pants, so on and so on. When we think she finally settles, she comes into the bathroom vanity area and starts to help me. I told her it was quite a process no matter how short my hair was. She tried to put a bump on the top of my head. No bumps I said, absolutely not. She yanked my hair through the flat iron a few more times, then she said, Oh that looks good. It wasn't even done. I stayed there for another 20 minutes finishing it. Wore my pink plaid shorts. I love them. Also my red and rainbow bikini top and some layered tanks. (Well my belt wore my tanks most of the day.)

Chapter 7
Denny's and Godly Old Woman

Waiting for a table at Denny's. "Keep the Ten Commandments" is what the bumper sticker says. An old woman steps out. I am a little stoney and thirsty. I go inside and find that there are 4 counter seats available. Come on girls, I say. Let's eat. We all take our seats and E is sitting next to the Godly Old Woman. E with her arms crossed and wary glances, GOW stiff, eyes shifted left. J and L talk too loud about girl sex and who's sleeping with whom and what not. Their speech and subject definitely match their age at this moment. (Early 20's.) The conversation moves to the origin of the rainbow as a gay symbol. The GOW pipes in now that the rainbow originated in the bible as God's promise never to flood the earth again. Thank you, I said. Well he sure did a doozie on southeast Asia last year, says L. But I guess they aren't a God fearing people, L again. This isn't the place for a religious discussion. There is a time and place, but this GOW is too old to change her ways now.

Chapter 8
The Museum Parking Lot

Text: Where are you? We're in the museum parking lot. Oh my gosh, so are we. Then there they are. A-DS and her friend Je. A-DS is really very pretty.(Nice taste, E!) Je has to be pee. I am intrigued. She's pretty cute. Hmmm.. Well, we'll see where the day leads. Hugs and intros all around. Where do you know her from?, J asks. Dinah Shore. The answer. Oh, pursed lips, possessive demeanor. Walking together, all 6. A-DS and Je and I are walking quite a bit ahead. A-DS, Where are your people? Me- E's my only people out of that group. Talk about my pink shorts for a bit. Shoot the shit..haha, I just wanted to say that. At the gate, we part ways. I wait for the other three. What a beautiful day. Take off the tanks, and head for the alcohol. Drinking, walking, drinking, walking. Biting. Alot of biting. Some of my parts are still sore three days later. J, are you feeling left out? I would be.

Chapter 9
Dinner Dates, Goodbye Kisses

L calls. Do we want to meet her and her dad for dinner? I guess, E and I say. Seven I guess. I go get food. I am hungry now, who knows when we will actually be eating. E and I share a falafel, J didn't want to share. E gets a text, Come say goodbye to us, we're in the back beer garden. The cool beer garden as it turned out. E, J, Naked Bubbles girl and boy and I walk to the other garden. J is starting to get pissy. We are going there to say auf wiedersehen to A-DS and Je. We have to jump a fence for some reason. That was fun. I don't get to jump many fences. When we get in, we find the girls right away. E goes to hang with them. I tell Naked Bubbles kids to divert J's attention, cuz she keeps looking for E. I let them in on the situation. We're all rooting for you E! They take care of her for a while. A-DS asks me how long E and I have been together. Ha! We're not I say. What? You totally are. Nope. Many people think that though. J finds us. Naked bubbles go back to their tent. Je starts Operation J Diversion all over. Arm around her, pretending like she is all into her. I back off. I thought Je really liked her. E asks me what I think about Je. She's cool......and cute. Je and I start talking. It's time to go. We have to be at dinner in 10 minutes and it will take us at least a half hour to get there. Goodbye Je, small peck on the lips. That was cute, do it again. Way more than cute the second time. I like kissing girls, especially one's who kiss well. Just cancel. She does. Much drama in between, but I don't want to recount that. I just want to think about having my collar bone licked...that was hot and it still turns me on thinking about it four days later. All the while E and A-DS were making out while J was getting sick cuz she drank herself stupider.

Chapter 10
The Kiss Heard 'Round the World

Walking to the front gate. J has fallen ill. Wants to get home. Je fell. I didn't see but it hurt bad I could tell. I kiss her to make it better...at least for me it felt better. I look up and A-DS and E are kissing.....and J IS WATCHING!!!!!!!!!! She runs away! Holy crap, mayday, mayday. The OJD failed. Abort Abort! Well, E goes after her. Why I ask? Why? I want to dance. A-DS and I are dancing to Erasure, the live Erasure!!!!!! Fuck Yeah. I have a decision to make, which I really had no choice but to choose to go to with E. Her pleading eyes. Her threatening tongue. You owe me girly. I left Je and A-DS to drive in a tense car all the way to La Mesa. I knew I wasn't going to hook up again that night. Sad me.

Chapter 11
The Curb, Stoop Talk, L's Dad, Rachel? and Swimming

E asks, Why do I always put myself in such chaos? E, I don't know what to tell you. Really, E, why do I? Because that's where I am comfortable I guess. Dealing with senseless drama is easier than dealing with my real issues. We talk on the curb so J can tell L what happened. L asks J what she expected when they are not in a committed relationship, there was mass amounts of alcohol involved and we were at Pride. J and L come out to smoke. E and L go inside. I'm stuck listening to the chimney asking me how I would feel. I didn't have an answer because it's never happened to me. J cried and I didn't hold her. At the time I felt really shitty about that. I would have held a stranger if they were crying, why not this girl? Back inside, there was a strange sight. L and E on the bed......I wish I could leave it at that, it would be funny. No, but, L's dad was in the room too just having a casual conversation with them. It struck me as so strange because my dad wouldn't sit in a girls bedroom and chat them. I don't know. Anyway... L's dad heated up the pool and hot tub for us. we got changed and L and I went out to swim while E and J talked...again. L's little, introverted to the max, half sister, Rachel, came to swim with us. l's dad told L to get her out of her shell. Show her gay stuff, so she wouldn't be so sheltered. The mom raises this girl fundamentalist christian. Eeeeegads. I was so uncomfortable with the thought of him wanting Rach to be exposed to way more than her mom ever would want her to know in a lifetime. When j and E finally joined us, the tension was unbearable. We got out soon after.

Chapter 12
Sweed Dreams, Honey

After all that and knowing it would be a long night, J still wanted to sleep with E, who, bless her heart, could not say NO. (You've been doing really good lately though.) So L and I shared a pull out couch. Knowing I wouldn't sleep, I suggested we hit the curb and smoke. Good idea self. I was almost asleep when L came to couch. She wanted to talk to me about having kids and why didn't I have an abortion. I have definitely answered that question before. She proceeds to tell me how the whole process of pregnancy and birth to her was like a parasite infiltration. This tape worm is ingested and grows and grows until it no longer fits in it's space then it is violently expelled! I laughed my ass off. L, you sure have a way with words girl. I am still laughing. E was pissed to hear me laughing from the other room. Sorry woman, I tried to get you out of sleeping with her. I think mid-sentence we both fell asleep.

Chapter 13
Kosher Breakfast

L's dad took us all out to eat at a Kosher diner. What fun. On the way there, I asked E to go to a party with me Friday night. J said, Honey, we will be in SF that weekend. We are still going aren't we? (E) Do you still want to? (Me thinking) Just say I don't think that would be a good idea. Tension hung in the air like L's snatch smell. Please turn on some music, I say. At the restaurant, they had pickles on the table to munch on. E picked one up with her hand and discarded it back in the container before she realized that was what she did. Gross girly! One side of the table was J, E and me. The other side was dad, L and Rachel. E and I basically had our own conversation the whole time. J kept trying to hold E's hand which is a sight to behold. How many different ways can E pull away? How many pull aways before J gets it? The old ladies next to us leave the restaurant. They comment on how lovely dad's kids are Such nice girls and the boy... Oh Dear, you're a girl! End of breakfast, J gets a call that can't wait and leaves the table. Iam talking with dad about how, when , why I choose girls over boys. (Another whole blog I have been meaning to post.) He asked E if she is ok with my kids and on the way out tells me I am lucky to have E. It occurs to me that he thinks E and I are together.

Chapter 14
La Jolla Snorkeling

I didn't have a chance to correct him. On the way to La Jolla, we saw a motorcycle crew doing wheelies on the freeway. It was surreal. I kept thinking they would tip backwards. The beach is beautiful but a bit cold for my skin. L, E and J are wading into the water. J says it's not so bad, you should come in. I think about it, I could. I would warm up, but I think I will let J have E to herself out there. I am sure E will really appreciate this. Not competition in the ocean. I walk back to our sunny spot on the top of the hill and get some sun. E comes up shortly after. We chill on the blanket, listen to the music and make fun of orangeface. It's time to go and J decides she needs to have a talk with with E right then. They walk. We pack. The pics from that walk are hilarious, but because this is pretty much an anonymous blog, I can't show them. The will however be posted on my myspace. There is one of the two of them where E is actually frowning! The corners of her mouth are downwards. And J is just smiling away!

Chapter 15
Home Sweet Home

The ride home was pretty uneventful. E and I rode in the backseat together. J kept on glaring backwards at us. They smoked like chimneys and I had the worst headache. We laughed our asses off at random things and planned our return S.D. trip to visit with A-DS and Je. That BTW is less than two weeks away!!!! Hell yes! When we got to my house, I go all my shit out of the truck and shut it. As soon as the trunk was shut, J peeled out! I had to laugh. I know this trip must have sucked for her and yet I don't really feel bad. Back to life, back to reality....

What the Hell?

I seriously need some psychiatric advice. I am leaving that blog up to remind myself why I can't lose my temper. It was only 6 bucks and I said mean things. Words hurt as bad as a hand. And I would never hit them. Bad Mommy Monster!!! Mommy monster is put away now. I feel like a real idiot. My kids saw right through me. I asked them how they feel about me moving out and as calm as ever...not even a flinch. They all said "Good". Whoa. Did not expect that. Later on I apologized. They did too and very later on, I asked them again about me moving out and they said "Bad"! I said what about earlier. And I kid you not, all three said, "Well we were mad at you." So matter of fact. Those creatures I have taught so well. I was always like that with my punishments. Oh NO! My kids are growing up to be super emotionless. Those of you who knew me before know that my repressed feeling plus HIS bubbling over with repression feelings equals Serial Murderer children. I can see it now on A&E, When good kids go bad: The making of a Tween Serial Killer. I'm over it. In my fit though, I rewrote my resume and posted to ADP. Another payroll company. Under salary requirements, I posted at least $17/ hour. That way I can save for whatever I need to. I talked to Aa about 10 times today. I really like talking to her. I think it would have been ok for her to go with us to CA. She had a saddening talk with her ex today and she called me to talk about it. We both cried today. E, CONGRATS on saying NO to me! You did great and I wasn't mad...not that I would have been even if you had beat around the bush, but... In fact I was so elated you said no, I almost forgot what I asked you! Woohoo. I like the stoney post cuz I'm stoney and I thought of it myself. Chao!

To the Tune of "Swimming Swimming in the Swimming Pool"

Stoney Stoney on the Internet
My Pupils are big
My eyes are Red
On the internet

Refer
MJ
And mariJuana too

Wouldn't it be nice if there was nothing else to do?
But....

Susan Smith?

No. I would never kill them, but I really did want to hurt them bad for wasting six dollars in stamps. I hate myself for not liking my kids. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to hear their voices. I don't want to console them. I want to run away. Far away. They did nothing to deserve me. I hate me. I am the worst mom. I hate being a mom. I make no difference in their lives. They will grow up and be shitty parents too. But I can't leave them. If I did, it would be familial suicide. Who cares. My family hates me anyway too. I am so angry right now, but I can't even leave the house without three little fuckers following me in hysterics. I am freaking out. Nobody could possibly understand. Nobody. I am alone in this. What a fucking surprise. They keep talking talking talking. I want to be gone. Away. Far. Dead. Death is the only way out. The only way they would not blame themselves for the rest of their lives. I might bump my heroin usage year to 30. Be gone before anyone knows. It's all a lie anyway. This life. My life. There is no satisfaction in this life. There never will be. Every triumph destroyed before it gets to be appreciated. I hate them. I chose to ruin my own life and I blame them. They didn't ask to be born into my hell. Hell I didn't ask for it. What should I do? Does anybody know? Can anyone help me?

Never Know

Is the swelling, mounting breath-taking feeling in my gut excitement or anxiety? What a strange question to have to ask. I should know that answer, but lately the feelings have been one in the same. I wonder if it's a sixth sense feeling. (I do see dead people sometimes) Should I be looking out for signs?

I'm going to San Diego on Friday. I am going with E, J and hopefully KBl. KBl's dog is sick, so if she doesn't get better by then, KBl can't go. I could invite A, but I think I will just stick with the other two if KBl doesn't go. I will just make out alot with random people. That sounds alright, but I know the sex thing will come up and I am dreading it. (That reminds me, I touched boobs last night!! Ha!) I also almost got incarcerated. Not the smartest thing we have ever done, huh E? Unfortunately not the stupidest thing either. Anyway I am so looking forward to S.D. Beach, my girls, surfing, random hotties!!!!! I will also be really nice to J....or at least I will try! (Shoulder shrug and innocent smile.)

I have a date tomorrow or I did. I have to cancel. HE has something going on and since I am leaving on Friday night, I feel like I need to let him go. The only other thing I can think of is to go out later. I guess I will have to do that. Oh well. I will figure something out. I always do. I am going out with A who sort of scares me.She says WE alot. WE like me and her. Ummm... I guess I just need to play it by ear and see what happens. Couldn't be bad. She's really great.

Dreamgirl

I am usually a dreamer, but lately I have lost my dreams. I don't daydream as much. I don't wish anymore. Even at night, I don't dream. i wake up and feel as if I haven't slept at all. I miss my nightly prances. My dreams used to be like predictions. Now nothing. Does that mean my future is nothing? I had a dream to homestead once. I wanted to simplify my life. Live on a large piece of land, live off that land as much as possible. It's not that I don't want to do that anymore, but I no longer have a partner. Who am I kidding? HE was never my partner in that. What a beautiful life that would have been. I wanted to make it a community because I could never leave my friends behind. They would just move with me. We would have a community kitchen and dining room in the middle of the land. I would never require that we ate together all of the time. It was going to be an experiment in the notion that it takes a village to raise a child. I have even dreamed I would find that person who would have the same dream as me, but now I don't know if that will happen. I know the life I am in now is unfulfilling to my soul. I have fun, that's for damn sure, but I really get nothing out of it when the night ends. I love my friends, I really do, but is this really my life? I want love so bad it hurts. I have my kids. I shouldn't be allowed to have them. I don't deserve them. I sometimes have to dream I am somewhere else just to hug them. Sometimes I want to just squeeze them. I know this isn't normal. No mother should ever WANT to not be a mom anymore. What's the matter with me? What has changed that I can't stand my life? I am a shitty housekeeper. I let them graze all day sometimes instead of feeding them regular meals. I ignore them. I let them leave the house dirty, citing personal choice. I have to force myself to let them hug me. I dream about being somewhere else all the time. Doing something amazing, although I don't know what that amazing thing could be. Is this all I am? A non-dreamer? A mom? I should never have been allowed to have kids, just like my mom shouldn't have been able to have kids. Just so tired.

Why didn't your marriage work?

I think because I never wanted it to. He's a nice man. We had a very brief history and then a baby. Over the years we have had much financial trouble. I actually can't remember a time when we didn't have to worry about keeping the electricity on. We have never been stable emotionally or financially. We did not have a strong base to begin with and we have, over the years, built alot on our crumbly foundation. The more weight of responsibility we added, the heavier the burden of keeping things together. So why try this long, why add more to it? It's what you're supposed to do when you grow up. Get married, have children, buy a house. We did it all. My last two kids were born without love between HIM and I present in the room. Mere tolerance. They did not deserve that. I thought I could learn to love him. I tried. I wrote in a journal every day for a month something I appreciated about him. I whispered when I wanted to yell. I laughed at something in my head when he made me mad. Did I ever love him? I guess so, enough to have sex with him in the beginning. (Towards the end, it was, sadly, just habit.) Times have been difficult. Adjusting to his family was really hard for me. They have changed alot to make me feel comfortable. They try very hard. He used to try. Sometimes he still makes small efforts, but more than not, he ignors our world. We still have a world. Five if us live in it, actually three live in and rule it right now, while two of us checked out a while ago. I need to get back there. I need to be in a place of safety. They need me to reign once more. I will I tell them. I will, but I don't. I can't. I don't want to. That's what's real. Anyway. He and I are splitting. I am happy about this. But I ponder. What could I have done to make this work? What did I do to make it fall apart? I know I had so much to do with it. I know I have a mouth, I have a mean spirit when I am feeling disappointed and let down. I have said things that I wish I could have taken back. I have also learned from these mistakes. I just want to be happy. I am really distracted now. Child still awake.

Wishes are pointless

Definition of wish is as follows: to desire; long; yearn. None of these synonyms does this word justice. To wish is so much more. Whole hopes go into a wish. And yet most wishes stop at the spoken word. Wishes can't be controlled. I wish there were no pineapple in my trail mix. That's not going to change a damn thing. I wish to be happy. Well I will have to make myself that way. The whole concept of wish needs be redefined. A wish is a yearning you will do nothing about and hope it comes true. It's pointless to waste your breath or your time wishing. I will no longer have wishes. Just goals. I will use the word WISH sparingly. Do I no longer believe in magic? I don't want to be a grown up. Is there magic still left in this world? Children are growning so fast. Even my no TV or media kids are so much more street smart than I was at thier age. I have definatly helped make them that way. (I just asked B out, right now. Just thought I would document that!) I have always talked to them like gro

Woke up shitty

Smoked last night. That's a small reason why I am so emo today. I can't even stay here to type this. HE is home. Fat and sweaty. Where does the money go? HE gets cash every week, but hasn't given me any. Does HE spend all the money during the weekend? HE doesn't want to watch the kids so I can work more, but HE doesn't give me any cash. I could go to the bank but we have bills. I feel so out of control. I hate him living here. I changed my myspace name. SO EMO!!! I swear I am a teenage boy... Met a girl Thursday night. I think she likes me. We talked twice yesterday. She's pretty cool. But... I don't know. I have to stop all this thinking shit. I hate my situation. I want to run away. I really want to nap for a long time. Days, weeks, months, outside, listening to the world in nature. San Diego next weekend. Where will the money come from? I will find it somewhere. I always do. I should just sell my body. It seems to be all people are interested in. I'm going on a drive.

It's the bomber part of the jager bomber

that makes me stay up so late writing blogs in my panties and bra. (No worries, I ttok pictures to remember what a dumb ass I was.) I guess this may be the most honest you will get me. I kissed a chic tonight. It was a good kiss. She may not have been hot, but christ, e, were you one of those popular bitches i would never be freinds with in HS? I was helping a sista out. The girl was distraught. and a good kisser. Ok amybe not so honest and stupid. I just deleted my honesty. Why did you pull that shit with J? Warning honey. Don't like on the spot. As it turns out I was never friends with the cheer leaders either. Fancy that. My belly is so full of liquid that needs to come out, it's not funny. I had an awesome night. I loved my walk. Especially the part where I conversed with my dearly beloved. I will go dancing again with tranny (don't care what the Katrina...the hurricane, says,) again. She and I work well together. I mean dance. Ha. I am so tired and drunk that if the make out girl saw me, she would run. I was told I have amazing eyes. That was nice. people are nice. Despite the fucking drama, I love lesbians. Women. A was great. She smiled at me the minute I walked into the Cash. I knew she liked me. Then she followd me to E Lounge. Ha. I must be onto something. Why does having kids make me feel ashamed? Maybe it's the married part. I don't really care. There will only be one now. Only one. No matter how many I kiss. Only one. You can't judge a book by it's cover. A little fluff never hurt a cool girl. I am fucked up. Shit. When I read this in the morning will I take it down immediatly? I should, but I know I will wait til KR reads it. Girl, stop being ...de ja vou.... depressed. You will find a job in no time. We all know you are qualified for so much more that you apply. Don't worry....good thing typing doesn't slur. I am really worried about my car. I should have told the barkeep I was leaving it. Shit Miss Mary, I ain't the only one who don't got nk root. I'm a sissy. Movie line, but NOT!!!! There is a roach somewhere behind me. i hear it clicking, but my belly ois too big to move, Shit...... Signing off. I love you.

Zen and The Art of Masterbation

I used to be an avid masturbater. What happened? Sometimes I did it twice in a day. That's alot for a mom of three, by the way. Now? Two weeks ago was my last time until today's feeble attempt. I just spent an hour in my room, sans interruptions and could not get off. What the fuck? I finally did and it was a small meaningless earthquake. No aftershocks. What is happening to me? Have I lost my will to live...I mean cum? I am more active now than I was even a month ago, so what gives? Furthermore, my masturbation fantasies (word used lightly) have become a little violent. Like I have to be forced to climax. TMI, huh? I think my lack of drive has alot to do with the fact that I don't necessarily want sex right now. Not sure if I would turn it down if the right person came along, but what I really crave is touch. Simple touch. Hand holding, kissing, caressing, someone to sleep next to, intertwined legs, rhythmic sleep breathing. Pure and simple, but somehow hard to get. Why is it everyone is so interested in fucking? Yeah, it feels good, but it's over in a moment. Even if you spent the night, that's only a few hours. Did you know that simple human touch aids in digestion? Babies who aren't touched enough fail to thrive. They die. They could have a bottle and diaper change every two hours, but they still die. I won't die, but I sure feel like it sometimes. K, my not-so-baby, still sleeps with me sometimes. I love waking up next to him, til he starts playing with my hair. He's warm and snuggly and so beautiful. He smiles when he sees me. Where's his grown up equivalent, without the hair thing? I want something so simple, to be held. To wake up happy. That's not to say sex could not be involved, but not so fast. I'm not talking relationship either. Just love. Are you out there?

Posted without a title

I feel like when I have a good day my blog is shit. My writing lacks, my imagination is sleepy. By good day, I mean I almost lost it til I found a soda can and converted it into a pipe and took a 2:30 toke. That was two hours ago. I am still a little stoney and I have to go to work, which is always fun!! I talked to an old friend today and I feel very confident in my assessment of people. I choose amazing people to surround myself with. (Sometimes a bit challenging, too.) I can read most people well, even if I can't figure out the motivation behind their actions. Always one. I have laughed alot today. Yes, earlier happenings may have contributed to the giggles, but smiling and laughing are good no matter how they come about. Sometimes I wonder if I write for myself up here or for the 3 people who read this crap. I mean, am I being as honest and open as I should be, knowing my thoughts are up for judgements or questions? No. The answer is no. If I was, I would post all those "secret" blogs. No E, you can't read them. If we are going to know each other in 18 years, we will have to have something new to talk about. I am having a day where I feel like I can to anything. My life really isn't a trap, not even a road block. I can put the kids in the car and hit the road. I can move if I want to. I just have to plan a bit in advance. I have to write this down for a tomorrow when I am not feeling this way. Who knows, maybe if I always have a mid-day snack, everything would be perfect! I feel like singing. Oops, the MJ makes me think I can. Stopping this stupid blog now. Shit HE just walked in while I was blogging. Now HE's gonna search for it. Hide Hide Hide!!

RandomThoughts (of (un)kindness)

You are not my friend. I am definitely a friend to you, but you are incapable of truly letting yourself love. You will never appreciate me without judgement. This weekend you fucked up. Thursday, you broke plans to hang with some asshole. We had these plans for a month, worse than that, I actually let myself get excited about it. I was really looking forward to hanging out. Friday night, dinner. You got kicked out of your house. I understood that plans changed, but you are too self involved to call. That sucks. Saturday, once again plans made to hang out. You were going to go to the shower with me, but you backed out. We were supposed to hang at KR and L's. Instead I hung with you and A. Great! Fucking Great! That's exactly what I was envisioning for the weekend. Having to try to include myself in your fun. You suck. And your apologies are lame and half-hearted. Your excuses are numbing. We all have alot of shit going. You backing away is fine, but that's just another in the great excuse book. When I back away, you will probably not even feel it til you get hungry. You wouldn't even know. Worse than that, when you figured it out, you would just talk some "poor me" shit up to someone who cares about you, but you are just using for the time being. I would do anything for my friends, I have shown you that. But you don't deserve another ounce of my energy or love. I left today feeling more stressed out and beaten than ever before. You finally pushed me too far. I hope that falls into your plans of never letting anyone in to avoid hurt. Our conversation was a disappointment, like I knew it would be. Even if A wasn't there, you would have still had the same reaction. It's not for making jokes. I actually have feelings invested in this friendship. I really wish you could let your heart feel something. The pain of loss is not as great as the joy of love. It kills me to tell you these things. I hate when people call me out, it hurts like hell to have your weakness put into words. In the end, you have a chance to come out stronger and better for yourself. Hit me up when you are ready to put effort into this.

The Vagina Movielogs

Three Men and a Little Vagina, James and the Giant Vagina, My Own Private Vagina, Fried Green Vaginas, Stand By Vagina, Saving Private Vagina, If These Vaginas cCould Talk II, Vanilla Vagina, Top Vagina, Gone With The Vagina, A Streetcar Named Vagina, Full Vagina, Mama's Vagina, 28 Vaginas Later, Perfect Vagina, Lost at Vagina, O' Vagina Where Art Thou, Vagina and the Beast, Sound of Vagina, Little Red Vaginahood, Steele Vaginas, Princess Vagina, The Three Vaginas, Silence of The Vaginas, My Left Vagina, Vagina is Beautiful, Searching for Bobby Vagina, Million Dollar Vagina, Sisterhood of the Traveling Vagina, Boy's in the Vagina, Lady and the Vagina, Dirty Vagina, Vagina's in the Mist, Twin Vagina's, Blood Vagina, About a Vagina, The Cutting Vagina, Pretty Vagina, Analyze Vagina, Vaginadraft, The Last of thge Vagina's, Edward Vaginahands, 50 First Vaginas, The Secret of Vagina, Vagina Beauty, Robin Hood Prince of Vaginas, Bend It Like Vagina, You've Got Vagina, Old Vagina, Vagina Actually, Sleepless in Vagina, Sleeping With the Vagina, The Dark Vagina, Bridgett Jones Vagina, Up in Vagina, friday After Vagina, Where the Red Vaguna Grows, To Kill a Mockingvagina, The Devil Wears Vagina, children of the Vagina, The General's Vagina, Miracle on Vagina Street, St Elmo's Vagina, The Story of Vagina, Me Myself and Vagina, Being Vagina Malkovich, What's Eating Gilbert Vagina, Dazed and Vagina, Vagina Tines at Ridgemont High, Vagina's Just Want tio Have Fun, Vagina's Dont Cry, When Harry Met Vagina, Mad Vagina, Passion of the Vagina, What the Vagina Do we Know, Pink Vagina's, Save the Last Vagina, Band of Vagina's, Vagina Off, Saving Vagina, City of Lost Vagina, Back to the Vagina, War of the Vaginas, Vagina Balls, Bill and Ted's Vagina Adventure, Vagina of Fire, Vagina's Gone Wild, The Little Vagina, Pete's Vagina, Vagina Pan, vagina Immpossible, from the Halls of Vagina, Good Vagina Hunting, Big Vagina, Willy Wonka and The Vagina Factory, Farenheit Vagina, Secrets of the Ya Ya Vaginahood, Poisen Vagina, The Truth About Cats and Vaginas, Vagina Bites, A Clockwork Vagina, A Vagina To Remember, Benny and Vagina, Sweet Vagina, I Know What You Did Last Vagina, Thanks foir Vagina, Dances With Vagina, Fun With Dick and Vagina, Bone Vagina, Meet the Vaginas, Encino Vagina, Enter the Vagina, Karate Vagina, Crouching Tiger Hidden Vagina, 200 Vaginas, Home Vagina, Vagina's Take Manhattan, Fear and Loathing in Vagina, The Lawnmower Vagina, Vagina Man, Last Vigina, Not Another Scary Vagina, Charlie's Vaginas, 10 Things I Hate About About Vagina, How To Lose a Vagina in 10 Days, Vagina Diaries, Like Water for Vagina, Dude Where's my Vagina?, Gone in 60 Vaginas, The Fast and The Vagina, Breakfast At Vaginas, What Vagina's May Come, Forest vagina, 8 Vagina, The Longest Vagina, Feild of Vaginas, Mrs. Vaginafire, Vagina Starter, A Vagina Runs Through It, The Color Vagina, Paint your Vagina, Vagina on the Roof, The Vaginacracker, Blue Vagina, Are We Vagina Yet?, Major Vagina, Schindler's Vagina, Road Vagina, National Lampoon's Vagina, An Officer and a Vagina, Saturday Night Vagina, Full Metal Vagina, Varsity Vagina, Mystic Vagina, Final Vagina, Vagina Effect, Vagina Park, Midnight in The Vagina of Good and Evil, Pet vagina, Honey I Shrunk The Vagina, Life is Vagina, Walk the Vagina, Vagina's World, Vaginas 11, Vagina Hard, Notes on a Vagina, Murder by Vagina, Murder on the Vagina Express, 2001 Vagina Oddessy, Vagina Spray, 40 Year Old Vagina (Ha Ha! This one's special for E), Knocked Vagina, Vagina Liar, There's Something About Vagina, Happy Vagina, The Other Vagina, Natural Born Vagina, Vagina I Am, Vagina and Whale, Pulp Vagina, Flash Vagina, Scent of A Vagina, Vagina House Rules, An American Vagina in Paris, Vagina Under the Stairs, Toy Vaginas, A Vagina Story, Vagina and Juliet, A Perfect Vagina, Vagina Strikes Back, The Vagina The Witch and the Wardrobe, Vagina Records, Brokeback Vagina, Vagina Mountain, Better Than Vagina, Vagina Matters, Cool Vaginas, The Mighty Vaginas, Mt Vaginamoore, Mr. Hollands Vagina, American Vagina X, Tale of Two Vaginas, Leaving Las Vagina, The Vagina Next Door, Tales From the Vagina, The Vagina's Advocate, Punch Drunk Vagina, The Sword and the Vagina, Brewsters Vaginas, Battle of the Vagina, Vaginajuice, Adventures in Vaginasitting, Vagina Finger, Legends of the Vagina, Planes Trains and Vaginas, Drop Dead Vagina, First Vagina's Club, Singing in the Vagina, It's a Wonderful Vagina, The Invisible Vagina, Dick Vagina, The Sweetest Vagina, Stranger Than Vagina, Wild Wild Vagina, Vaginas From The Egde, Inspector Vagina, House of 1000 Vaginas, Yellow Vagina, Smoking Vagina, West Side Vagina, Vagina and Vagina-er, Vagina Games, Air Firce Vagina, Raiders of the Lost Vagina, Vagina Movie, Vagina Hanger, The Vagina Luck Club, A Million Little Vaginas, Frankenvagina, Night of the Living Vagina, Where the Vagina Is, Streets of Vagina, Enemy of the Vagina, Late for Vagina, Vaginas on the Side, Riding in Cars With Vaginas, Maria Full of Vagina, Serial Vagina, Little Shop of Vaginas, But I'm a Vagina, Vaginabusters, Tthe Pursuit of Vaginas, Oncfe Upon a Time in Vagina, Spy Vaginas, Vagina Girls, Best in Vagina, Laura Croft Vagina Raider, Rocky Horror Vagina Show, So I Married a Vagina Murderer, The Last Vagina, Vagina Floats, Vagina City, Harry Vagina and the Sorcerer's Stone, The Little Vagina That Could, Vagina House Rocks, A Vagina Apart, The Vagina's of Beverly Hills, Close Encounters of the Vagina Kind, The Ususal Vaginas, Cecil B Vagina, Resivour Vaginas, the Land Before Vagina, Life Vagina, A Vagina Less Ordinary, Vagina Disturbence, Cape Vagina, Vagina Rowanda, The Day After Vagina, Finding Vagina, The Last Vagina, Hand That Rocks The Vagina, Pretty In Vagina, 16 Vaginas, Farewell My Vagina, Memoirs of a Vagina, Sweet Home Vagina, Vagina Weaver, Night at the Vagina, A Mid-Summer Night's Vagina, Thelma and Vagina, The Sound of Vagina, The Last Vagina Scout, Mi Vida Vagina, Beverly Hills Vagina......

One Stoney Night......

I could come out of this PE#1

I could blame the alcohol. Or the MJ. S really likes this girl or wants her. I probably should have not let her advance. But the attention feels good. Especially when the object of my attention is busy. Haha!! You my nummer one fren. I luv you long time!!! But if I keep on this path, I could make enemies everywhere I go. I am definitely more interested in making friends with S than fucking B. Although, her stomach was so tight...and soft. Ahhh.... back on track. I know this community is very small and I don't want to rock the boat. I have never had so much drama in my life. Since March, it has been rumors and hurt feelings and cry cry cry. She said she said bullshit. All the time. I wonder if anyone has really studied the reasons behind lesbianism. I get it that some girls are just born to love fa-ji-ta, but others turn to it. (Throat clearing) Is there an emotional imbalance? A need to be in chaos? If so, I fit in perfectly. Great. I have found a home. I'm no longer an orphan! Thank you Mommy Warbucks!!

Last night was the fourth of July. I am pretty sure we went up to the mountain to see fireworks, but I don't remember many. I got a head massage and a back massage. I licked and got licked. I earned a nickname and lived up to another. I handled E's butthurtedness. Got stoned and missed out on getting restoned. Smalking, Smitting, and Smimming. Turned down a boy, turned down a boy, turned down a boy. You left me with a strange boy, jackass. Well I'm over it. Ha!

I love my friends. I love you all!! I don't do well with being an enemy, so S, I am sorry. I really didn't mean any harm, but I was perfectly aware of your intention and I ignored them for my own benefit. I suck. I have guilt. Will you still dance with me?

I think the heat is making me delirious. <3<3<3<3

So much

The divorce thing is on hold. Why? I am too lazy. I know it's the right decision. I just can't get my ass in gear. The A/C broke yesterday, oh yeah, this whole week we are under heat advisories. It only about 98 in the house. No problem. I called HIM to tell HIM it was broken and he said, *oh*. Typical. Really. I'll take care of it. With all three kids in tow, I will learn how to fix an AC unit. It was so goddamn hot in the house last night that I slept on the trampoline. My back is killing me. I need to buy a cot or something. HE got a credit card. Such a bad idea. HE doesn't even pay HIS student loans and now HE wants to add more debt on. Idiot. I mean really. HE's 31, HE should get money management by now. I would think. You don't have it, you shouldn't spend it. Will it come to bite me in the ass later? I plan to keep only my debt. I have two credit cards, very low balances, but I don't want anymore. HE can have HIS credit card and student loan debt. Anyway. I don't like thinking about HIM, it puts me in a bad mood. I want to be done already. Move on. I can't wait, but apparently I can.

Item number two. The sex life seems to be heating up. But do I want it to? Met a girls Saturday night. Made out with her all night on and off. Met another girl Saturday night. She was quiet and nice and I thought she liked me, but she keeps texting E. Huh, oh well. The first girl is horny and up front about it. I could have sex with her immediately. (See previous post)

Too hot to continue. I am falling asleep. Could be the heat, could be the vodka. Going to nap now.

Why can't I just FUCK?

I could have her. Or rather let her have her way with me. Tonight, tomorrow, whenever, really. But when I get close, and I have been very close, I can't do it. Is it morals? Fear? Maybe I just don't really like her that way. I like her attention, I admit it. I like that she thinks I'm hot. I even like that E doesn't like her, but she is so withholding. I can't get her to reveal anything. Is that the trick to casual sex? The less you know about the other person, the less of an attachment after sex. But I have a hard time getting off without attraction. What's wrong with me? I could have made a move on L last Thursday, but I didn't. My excuse was E was right there. But apparently, that was not the excuse Saturday night. I was shitty that night. I was selfish. Who gets that way in front of their friends? Never before and hopefully not after. That was so rude and kinda funny that it was me. I kept laughing because her line was classic. "We have nothing in common, but I think you're hot and I want to make out with you." And I did. Anyway, I thwarted her strong advances in the car, in the bathroom, at her house. I feel like I should just do it, for two reasons. Experience and (maybe a little) to get her gone. She's a nice girl, but she's right, we really are opposites. Then there's E. She keeps telling me NO. I have my own mind, but she has more experience than me. It's kinda like a first job. You take what you can get, to gain experience, then each job, you are better paid and happier. (Ha ha, I already hear the hooker jokes!) So fuck it.....right? My mind is jumbled. No real answer. No good advice. Maybe I will go to her party tonight for a while. Maybe I'll get fucked.