Friday, November 09, 2007

Too Exhausted to Make Sense

So I think KTJ and I are on the outs, but I am really not sure. She told me we could be "lover-friends". Whatever that means..Stupid stoney conversations. She says my relationships are too complex. In a way she is correct, I addressed this in my well-liked Boundaries blog. E and I are not doing so good. I am really sad about that. She's my girl and I really miss her. I am still just as dependable and reliable as I ever was, just can't move yet. I am on the job hunt again. God, there is so much to write about today that I don't even know where to start. I am falling behind in school work. I am a little freaked about that. The KTJ thing is on my mind. E situation abounds. My dad asked my sister if I was gay, then told her it didn't matter anyway as long as I was happy. Why couldn't he ask or tell me those things? And if he thinks it, my mom must, but she barley speaks to me, so that isn't a conversation we will be having anytime soon. Did I mention I am stressed about school. I should be reading now, but all U want to do is nap. I have an exam tomorrow. I have met several new woman lately. I also made out alot last night. It ws a bathroom 4some. I actually avoided kissing one of them, thank Goddess. Unfortunatly tho, one of them is KTJ's best friend and the other is the bf's ex. Oh, I think it valid to mention that KTJ knows and/or saw. I guess I pretty much fucked that up. In my defense, what little defense it is, KTJ was there with another girl. I am not sure if the girl was lez tho. She came off as straight girl to me, but she was all over KTJ, so I don't know.I haven't talked to KTJ since because I went way over my minutes this month. Like I'm thinking $50 over... Ouch. So I am on the hunt for a job and an apartment. I have to get out of this house, away from HIM. I have never lived on my own in a cozy little place and I think it's time I do that. Of course I would bring the kids, so I wouldn't be totally alone. HE will get them Tues/Thurs and every other weekend. I think it's better for the kids cuz HE is really mean to them. I hate HIM more and more every day. I am happy without a man in my life. The women in my life give me everything I need. Hmmm....I never thought about it like that before. There is really very little I need from a man. I like that. This is so random. Sorry for whoever reads it. Space Cadet out!

Monday, November 05, 2007

10-4

As I was driving home down 48th Street last night, I realized that I had been down this road already once today. Where were the arrows and the orange encouragement signs? There was no sign of the greatness that walked through there just 8 hours before. It was all gone. A job well done. To think I was dreading this year. And it turned out to be our best event yet. I was nervous that we wouldn't be able to work as a team. It came to me yesterday how much the Shoemaker/Paul split bothered me. I understand that things change and evolve, but I don't always have to like it. Right? At the event there is not much drama. People have a job to do and they do it. There is down time and play time and work time. And all goes smoothly. Why isn't real life like this. We have a job, we do it. It's time to play, we play. Everybody takes resposibility for themselves and their actions. It's as close to magic as I get. Then it ends. Just like that. Celtic music, tears, goodbye for a year and poof. Hell returns. Some of my most cherished friendships have been made during this annual journey. New ones are being forged as I type. My phone was off, but once or twice a day for three days, I left my computer at home. My focus was on my task and my experience. Sometimes I see something that reminds me of the event and I want to tell someone; they can listen, but they will never feel the warmth in my heart. Upon returning to my real life, I chose to do my best to not participate in the drama anymore. I need to figure my life out. I need to really examine what is important to me. It will take me sometime. These are some highlights from the weekend. "Drink, pee, no IV!". (Commas optional.)Mardi gras. "Kill Cancer, Get him!!" Whiffle ball, frisby, football. Oh shit, that hit someone's tent, play dead. Nipple tat's and flashing. Suspended by packing tape to a side of a Ryder truck. New friends, old faces. Love. D-runk! "Nice mule, do you ever do sweet jumps?" I won a spirit pin. (That really meant alot.) "Who rocks the house, I say the crew rocks the house, and when they rock the house, they rock it all the way down! Hey!!" Petting the kitty, getting kicked off stage. HOT Cory on her Harley! Holy hell sister! Hugs. Feeling someones beating heart with my own. A previously withheld hand laid on a shoulder out of remembered love and reverence. Weak hello's and strong goodbyes. The same food that tastes good all over. Pillow sharing with a very new friend. Rubbing really gross feet. Budget truck donuts in a ghetto parking lot. Drive by diet coking. "H2hO is in the hizouse...." The walky with the most gas. Cow bell. 10-bitch100. Bloody bone mentionings. Interupted sex dream....twice. Laughing with Elizabeth while she was having an asthma attack and further worsening it, but it was worth it, right Elizabeth. Seeing Sheryl at the finish line after seeing her connected to an IV. Mary finished all 60 miles after she passed out. Eat Mary, gosh. Tara, Luca and Jill, the Alaskan Airlines flight attendants. Helpless clit fondling. Serving the food with Ashley, hopeless without my walky! Mysterious Misty, started alone, but I'll be damned if I was going to let her finish alone!! WeTodd, Kim Teely, Alan, Christy, Helena (the closeted lez, you know you are, quit fooling yourself), Hot showers, warm hearts, cool nights, cold water; all in a weekends work.