Reflections of 2007

Garden Club, somewhere in Phoenix, last night. It’s a woman’s group. A support group. What do I need support for anyway? I have lived this long without a support group, but my beautiful friends have been inviting since, really the first moment I met them. So, I’m there, I’m listening to what they have to say about why they joined the group and how long they’ve been going. It occurs to me that I have had the biggest year of my life, so far. So I’m going to recap, because even though this all happened to me, I didn’t recognize the magnitude of my journey, until now. I didn’t acknowlegde what a full life I have lived in the past year, how much I have grown, how instrumental my openness to life has been in my progression.

2006 was a rotten year. Fighting, complaining, fighting, gossiping, fighting. I decided that 2007 would be my year. “I am turning thirty. I am going to embrace the next decade and remake my life. Redefine my existence.” But how? Just turning thirty won’t be enough, but how things have unfolded surpassed anything I may have ever dreamed.

My thirtieth birthday was spent with my, still and always, best friend D. She rented a cabin for us in Heber-Overgaard, AZ. There was a huge snow storm. We almost didn’t make it before the road closed for the weekend. We woke up on my birthday to a fantastic snow storm. I ran outside in my jammies and played in the snow. My Pagen goddess knew what she was up to when she made my world so beautiful the moment I awoke to my new decade. That day, we met a beautiful couple who run a coffee shop and two young men who, because of car trouble, crossed our path. We drank, played in the snow, drank, ate, drank and has such special times. D, I don’t think you could ever know how important you are in my life and what a perfect beginning to my life makeover you gave me.

A beautiful, painful, hopeful and always rewarding friendship sprouted in March. She is such an amazing woman. I fell in love with her. We had a brief period of more than friends. And a heartbreaking, for me, end to this brief period. I often beat myself up about that. How could I have let my guard down? How could I let myself get so hurt? How could I feel so much, so soon? But I was feeling. I am feeling. I am no longer numb. I wanted so badly to be around her, that I endured many painful hours listening to her talk about all the other woman she was lusting after. I let myself down over and over when I went out with her and one of her girls. I’d get my hopes up when she said the words to me that I could manipulate into what I thought I wanted to hear. Eventually I accepted that we were just going to be friends. In the meantime, she allowed me to enter her world. She taught me things, she let me learn things for myself. She takes me down to the deep and dark and she lifts me up to brighter days. She’s my roller coaster ride. I love her so much, sometimes I wonder if she really knows how much and sometimes I wonder why I love her so much. She continues to break my heart in new and painfully purposeful ways.

I asked HIM to move out in March. HIS first weekend gone, I had to cal HIM back. After that HE lived in HIS office. I can’t even imagine how that felt to HIM. I actually, coldly, don’t really care. HE wasn’t kind to me during that time. For a long time, I felt it was my duty to accept that emotional pain HE was inflicting on me because I hurt HIM first. I initiated the end of the marriage. I gave up hope for our family to be together forever. I still have not really allowed myself to deal with HIM, so this paragraph is short. Suffice it to say that my marriage terminated in 2007.

After E, I had short, meaningless flings with other woman. I learned not to let my guard down. I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone for a long time. I made out here and there, but I never gave into the temptation of something real. I went to two pride festivals this year. One was here in AZ and the other was in San Diego. In SD, I met and made out with a chic I thought was super cool. We spoke on the phone every day. We read a book together, long distance. She was a breath of fresh air for me. Smart, funny, cute and far away. Far away enough to not let myself fall. Go me!! After another visit to SD, she called me and told me that she was an asshole, a pot head, a jerk and whatever other demeaning thing she could think of. She wanted to push me away. I suppose what she didn’t realize was that I was not anywhere close. I called her out on it. She said she didn’t want to start a relationship, I’m not quite sure when I gave her the impression that I did. Anyway, we are once again on speaking terms. She has stopped what she deems as destructive behavior and is making amends of sorts. I think she is amazing for changing that about herself.

E motivated me to stand up for myself, to advocate for me, to better myself. But how? I was a sexually confused, busy with everything but me, mom of three small children. (Children who I didn’t even really know.) I had an estranged husband, who woke up only to call me names and degrade me. Until one day, I finally snapped. HE couldn’t make me feel anything. I am in charge of my feelings. And HE of HIS. I am no longer responsible for how HE feels or what HE does with those feelings. I signed up for classes, a course of study. I am going to be someone after I am done being a mom, but wait, I will never be done with that. I STARTED SCHOOL!!! Something that was dream with many excuses. I received grants and loans, I studied, I passed. I did better than pass. I exceeded my goals. I earned the highest grade in my math class. 115% overall. I am a smart cookie!! Woohoo!!

I am finally sticking up for myself with my family. I am so tired of being the black sheep because they say I am. I was yelled at one too many times. The thought of unconditional love is only associated with my friends, the family I choose for myself. That is not the way it should be. I should be able to count on my birth family for anything. I have withheld my company and my children. It’s almost more than I can bear. I hate doing this, but I can’t let my children around people who don’t respect my beliefs. I don’t expect them to adopt them for their own lives. In fact I have little expectation for my family. I guess that’s what happens when I get let down over and over.

I met someone. She is beautiful, amazing and so gentle with my tender heart. She accepts me for who I am. She challenges me, she always calls me out when I contradict myself. I have met my match. She has her own convictions and beliefs, she doesn’t need mine.

What will I take from 2007? Everything it had to give me. I have only begun to decipher Jen, but I will continue to be open to myself and the universe. New friends, new challenges, new love. I will never forget my history, my-stand-by-me-through-anything friends, my losses. Everyday is a new journey. Everyday will bring happiness and may also bring pain. I have really begun to observe my patterns and I can choose to change them. I met my children this year and, really, they met me. We are rediscovering each other as I type. Thanks to all of you who have been with me, stay with me or are new to me. You help shape me to who I am and will be. Even those of you who are complete assholes. You remind me why i never want to be unhappy again and why it is so important for me to be kind.

There are four days left in this year and I intent to make each one of them life changing. Who knows who or what will come into my life in that time. So 2008, you will not defeat me, I own you!!!!!! Much love and peace!!!!

* With one day to go, I came out out my dad. He said he already knew. He only had one question, “Is this an experiment?” Ha! It was actually anti-climactic. So now only 11 hours to go, and the world is mine.

Hi Hazel

So I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Iraq and wondering what really happens to us if you go. Is it really an eventuality? You go and my life here keeps moving on, just with an empty bed and an empty, searching heart. Your life, on the other hand, goes in fast forward. Combat training, more computer training, learning a new culture, meeting new people. You change, you grow. As will I, but in more subtle ways. What if you see things you can’t explain? What if your friends die? What if I am not enough to support you when you get back? What if you don’t come back? Four months is a blink of an eye, when it’s through. It will be an agonizing first month, followed by a time of acceptance, then you are back. But, who is coming back?

My chest feels like it is caving in on itself. My stomach is queasy. My mind is racing a million miles a second. My heart hasn’t beat normally since we talked this afternoon in your car. My soul is searching for reasons why I met you now. Why I love you so. What is my lesson? Is it patience? I can patiently wait for you. Our lives will continue, but together? Hopefully. And stronger.

I know I am crazy to be thinking all of this stuff now; it’s not like you have orders to leave. As much un-planning as I do, there is also a fair amount of anxious future planning. I like to fly by my seat, but this seems different. I could have a girlfriend serving a sentence in Iraq, IN A WAR, for Goddess’ sake. So many things about that one statement are so completely unlike anything I could have ever imagined for myself.

You have come out of nowhere; I was blind-sided one night at the Cash Inn Country. You, in your hat, with your newly exed girlfriend, arriving with a girl I am dating. What are the fucking chances that this would blossom into so much more than a bathroom four way (well threesome for me, hahahahaha!!!)? When did love become so difficult? Who would have thought this STUPID war would effect me so much more than rearranging my schedule to protest it?

I just want you to say Fuck You to THEM. Out yourself, it’s your ticket out; but I know I wouldn’t do it. I would stick it out because I signed up for it, with full knowledge of what the job entailed. I will tell you right now though, I WILL FIGHT and PROTEST ‘TIL THIS WAR IS OVER and no other person has to go through these same emotions.

So when I write you, can I pick a boys name to write to you from, so I can send explicit mail? I could be your back home boi friend. Can I tell you I love you on the phone? How often will we get to hear each other’s voices? Can I keep your cologne with me, so I can smell you when I want? Can we have phone sex? Ok, ok, I already know that answer..but I can still ask, right?

I love you babe. In this short time, I have fallen in love. You are beautiful, amazing, patient, graceless (at least on the trampoline), caring, accepting of my crazy ways, funny and my perfect match. My missing puzzle piece. You will always have a little piece of my heart.

I think I can finally sleep now,

J

Her Response: New Home

I was going to have a couple drinks
But two turned into five
Any other time, I'd have thought myself crazy
For this full-on nose dive

Waters whose currents
were a mystery
Lands unknown
My heart, by a thread
My sleeve, its' new home

But somehow
It beats in my chest
Heavy, Fast
The rhythm making its' way
To my hips and the Rest
Of

My body
Warm, with the meeting of
blue and hazel, alone

Current's back
More familiar now
You remind me to breathe
I had forgotten how

Both Hands

Beautiful.
Considerate.
Talented.
Soft.
Amazing.
Sexy.
Smart.
Willing.
Strong.
Athletic.
Healthy.
Sensual.
Accepting.
Flattering.
Compassionate.
Wonderful.

It seems I can't think of any more words.
It also seems I'm falling hard.
Someone, no one, help me.
My heart is so full.

Slight dread.
Pushing out those thoughts.
74 of 82 days left.
Renewal, Endorsement.

So warm, even alone.
You.
Me.
Nobody else exists.

This is what it feels like.
No what if's.
No wondering if it's real.
It's nice to be conscience again.