Two weeks ago it was mutual. Two weeks ago it didn’t hurt. To me it was real and logical. I think to you it was just words. I took those words to heart. You asked if I needed a break and I answered honestly. You seemed to accept my honest answer without question. Was that because you didn’t believe me? Was it because, in your mind, it couldn’t possibly be true? Remember when I told you my biggest fear was hurting you? Well, that time has come. I am so sorry you hurt so bad. I am so sorry I am the one causing your pain. I am sorry you think I did this so I could go make out or fuck some other girl.
The night we met, who knew we would be together this long? Who knew we would share our lives for a time? I have been thinking, would I give that up just to know you were happy at this moment? Maybe, but probably not. We learned and grew. We shared amazing experiences and taught each other about love. I learned new ways to love a person and to accept love.
This space in my chest that was a heart is aching and burning. I want so badly to go back to the beginning and feel that bliss, the whirlwind of happiness before the realities of our lives set in. Before it became clear that I am bound to my house, to my kids. Before the possibility and, now, eventuality of deployment snuck in. Before sex was an issue. Before my wash machine broke.
You are loving, supportive and so much fun to be around. To me, your smile lights a room. Your eyes sparkle like stars. I want this to be enough. Do you think I will come to my senses? Do you think I can see that we really do have a future? Maybe we do, but you are right about not prolonging the pain. You are right about there being no grey area right now. Perhaps through time, I will see that I made an error. If that time comes I will have to deal with your possible rejection. Another blow to a weakened heart. If that time comes and I am willing to take that chance, I will also be ready to accept what comes.
Please know that I love you. Know that I never had any intention to hurt you or make you sad. Know that I am hurting too. My pain and yours. And yours is deeper to me. I have hurt for so many years that my pain is a dull constant, one that was gone for a good portion of six months. I have only caused great sadness to a few people and the sickening pain I feel from you is acute. Know that our close friendship is something I hold dear and never wish to lose. Know that my love is true and real. Know that you are important to me.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I Didn't Do It
I am sitting at the souper salad, alone, writing this, feeling rather forlorn and probably looking pathetic. I don’t feel pathetic, just a little defeated. I’m thinking about ice cream and obese people. I am trying not to eat sugar again and succeeding. Until now. If I have sugar, I blow my no sugar for the week. If I don’t, I miss out on calories, caramel and a crappy mood tomorrow. But peanuts, oreos and sprinkles, oh my. Oh, stop self! Now I’m being pitiful!
Over My Head
Our six month was six days ago. It came and went without recognition. I know I thought about it, I’m sure she did. We had plans to go to a nice dinner. But instead we broke up for good, I think. I feel relief and sadness. Not so much sad for the relationship because what made us strong as a couple is what will keep us strong as friends, but sad that this is another person who couldn’t be my partner. When I look ahead and see my future, aside from the sustainable farm and nifty holistic business, I see living with someone, sharing responsibilities, co-parenting and really talking through decisions. Not just me making them and someone going along out of disinterest. Just by my very nature, she can’t be that person. She is neat and tidy. She never wanted kids. I’m a spontaneous freak, I’m overwhelmed with other shit, my house comes last and I am a mom. Do these things make me the odd one out? Is she out there?
I am attracted to women for so many reasons. Forget the physical for a moment, I know it’s hard, but try. Women are so much more logical and posses the sense of reason. Any woman I would be attracted to, whether friend or more, would be capable, intelligent, able to articulate an abstract thought and have a broad sense of humor. (She’d also have to be able to keep up with me. I’m a fiend! For fun, good music, laughs and great sex.) Anyway, a little off track. I am sure there is someone out there for me who fits my criteria and wants kiddos.
In return, I would be a shitty house-girlfriend, a slut in the bedroom, a true and loyal friend, a great camper, a spontaneous road-tripper, a sappy movie-watcher, a butch handy-woman, and a great mom.
T is so many of these things, not spontaneous and rather annoyed by my spontaneity, as I am to her rigidness. I am so afraid that when it comes down to it, she’s won’t change into the partner I need. Not that she should. She’s beautiful and amazing the way she is, but I think she would be much happier with someone with less baggage. It may not feel like it now, but I think she will be relieved when it finally hits her how much freer she can be without the confines of my motherhood. I want to keep her in my life for a long time to come. I want to see her truly happy, the way she was at the beginning of us.
I hope she wants the same for me. And I hope she can forgive the hurt I am causing her right now. I think what we are doing is the right thing.
I am attracted to women for so many reasons. Forget the physical for a moment, I know it’s hard, but try. Women are so much more logical and posses the sense of reason. Any woman I would be attracted to, whether friend or more, would be capable, intelligent, able to articulate an abstract thought and have a broad sense of humor. (She’d also have to be able to keep up with me. I’m a fiend! For fun, good music, laughs and great sex.) Anyway, a little off track. I am sure there is someone out there for me who fits my criteria and wants kiddos.
In return, I would be a shitty house-girlfriend, a slut in the bedroom, a true and loyal friend, a great camper, a spontaneous road-tripper, a sappy movie-watcher, a butch handy-woman, and a great mom.
T is so many of these things, not spontaneous and rather annoyed by my spontaneity, as I am to her rigidness. I am so afraid that when it comes down to it, she’s won’t change into the partner I need. Not that she should. She’s beautiful and amazing the way she is, but I think she would be much happier with someone with less baggage. It may not feel like it now, but I think she will be relieved when it finally hits her how much freer she can be without the confines of my motherhood. I want to keep her in my life for a long time to come. I want to see her truly happy, the way she was at the beginning of us.
I hope she wants the same for me. And I hope she can forgive the hurt I am causing her right now. I think what we are doing is the right thing.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
If I Were Interviewing Me
Last Thursday night, JLB and I went to Cherry Bomb. Dirty Phoenix wants to interview us for ourchart.com, about how far Jeanette and I have come since October. She kept saying it was sexy how butch I have become. I’m not sure I am. Not on the outside, at least.
How long have you been out?
Me: Exactly somewhere around a year and a month. That’s not too exact, but I’m drunk, so who the fuck cares.
Where were you before?
Me: Thinking about how I could be dead without my kids blaming themselves. I was married to man. Actually I am still married to him. We co-habitate, he hates it. I just don;t care enough to give it hate or love. We have three kids together. Boys. All boys. Being married seems to scare the girls away, but that’s who I am.
Tell me about the you before the gay you.
Me: Pretty much the same. Take charge kinda gal. I always have had a secret longing to have someone take charge for me for once though. Like someone who knows how my brain works and can take logical control and make a decision every once in a while. I like to fix shit; if I don’t know how, I learn quickly. I was and am laid back. I am not a jealous person. I was a sloppy dresser because I was already married and had nobody to impress. Turns out, I like to impress myself and shock my friends with my clothing choices.
When did you first suspect you gayness?
Me: Audra Valaro, 7th grade gym class. Great tits. Still does. (Well as of three years ago.) People ask why I love AZ so much, it’s because 6 month of the year are bathing suit season.
Why’d it take you so long?
Me: Mormons. I grew up in Mesa. Aside from Salt Lake City, the biggest Mormon community in the world. Well, maybe. Anyway, there was little opportunity. Although the more people I meet and re-meet, the more I realize were homos.
How is it being a gay mom?
Me: I prefer queer. Being a mom is great. Dating and motherhood seem to collide. I am very weary of the women who are way into kids. I don’t want them around just cuz they want kids or like mine. I have had to explain, more than I have really wanted to, that I am a person first and a mom second. Just like if I was an accountant, that would be my job, not my persona. And that really goes both ways, the woman who is freaked about the kids and the one who is drawn to them.
How many kids do you have?
Me: I have three boys. Three of the most beautiful, amazing, smart, witty wonderful children ever put on this earth. They re 9, 8 and 5 (in late May).
You mentioned earlier you prefer queer; why is that?
Me: I think sometimes gay gets a bad rap. Not that I am afraid of gay or fighting for the right to be gay. Really, I’m just a little tired of fighting. Queer is a more tame, all encompassing word. I am supportive of those who identify as gay, I just like queer.
Do you consider yourself butch?
Me: Hmm...(chuckle) Let me see, is wearing a dress butch? Sometimes I like the way the wind feels on my yoni. I do wear pants and shorts more often than not, but I like to feel sexy in a dress too. (I have been know to wear sequin panties from time to time.) On the inside though, that’s a different story. I like to hold the door, fix the appliances and change my own oil. I like my hair short and I like to be dirty, like camping. I think that if given the opportunity, I would be a fantastic top, but I do have my nelly bottom times. I really like my puss sucked and liked and fucked! So really, I don’t think I fit into this category. I’m a J. Let’s start a new category. Oh I forgot, I really like the more butch girls to date. A little boi on boi action!
It’s getting late, any last thoughts?
Me: I think I should go to bed soon. I’m beat and I have to work tomorrow. Peace, love and big hugs. Don’t rush this life. It may be a while ‘til you get to the next one.
How long have you been out?
Me: Exactly somewhere around a year and a month. That’s not too exact, but I’m drunk, so who the fuck cares.
Where were you before?
Me: Thinking about how I could be dead without my kids blaming themselves. I was married to man. Actually I am still married to him. We co-habitate, he hates it. I just don;t care enough to give it hate or love. We have three kids together. Boys. All boys. Being married seems to scare the girls away, but that’s who I am.
Tell me about the you before the gay you.
Me: Pretty much the same. Take charge kinda gal. I always have had a secret longing to have someone take charge for me for once though. Like someone who knows how my brain works and can take logical control and make a decision every once in a while. I like to fix shit; if I don’t know how, I learn quickly. I was and am laid back. I am not a jealous person. I was a sloppy dresser because I was already married and had nobody to impress. Turns out, I like to impress myself and shock my friends with my clothing choices.
When did you first suspect you gayness?
Me: Audra Valaro, 7th grade gym class. Great tits. Still does. (Well as of three years ago.) People ask why I love AZ so much, it’s because 6 month of the year are bathing suit season.
Why’d it take you so long?
Me: Mormons. I grew up in Mesa. Aside from Salt Lake City, the biggest Mormon community in the world. Well, maybe. Anyway, there was little opportunity. Although the more people I meet and re-meet, the more I realize were homos.
How is it being a gay mom?
Me: I prefer queer. Being a mom is great. Dating and motherhood seem to collide. I am very weary of the women who are way into kids. I don’t want them around just cuz they want kids or like mine. I have had to explain, more than I have really wanted to, that I am a person first and a mom second. Just like if I was an accountant, that would be my job, not my persona. And that really goes both ways, the woman who is freaked about the kids and the one who is drawn to them.
How many kids do you have?
Me: I have three boys. Three of the most beautiful, amazing, smart, witty wonderful children ever put on this earth. They re 9, 8 and 5 (in late May).
You mentioned earlier you prefer queer; why is that?
Me: I think sometimes gay gets a bad rap. Not that I am afraid of gay or fighting for the right to be gay. Really, I’m just a little tired of fighting. Queer is a more tame, all encompassing word. I am supportive of those who identify as gay, I just like queer.
Do you consider yourself butch?
Me: Hmm...(chuckle) Let me see, is wearing a dress butch? Sometimes I like the way the wind feels on my yoni. I do wear pants and shorts more often than not, but I like to feel sexy in a dress too. (I have been know to wear sequin panties from time to time.) On the inside though, that’s a different story. I like to hold the door, fix the appliances and change my own oil. I like my hair short and I like to be dirty, like camping. I think that if given the opportunity, I would be a fantastic top, but I do have my nelly bottom times. I really like my puss sucked and liked and fucked! So really, I don’t think I fit into this category. I’m a J. Let’s start a new category. Oh I forgot, I really like the more butch girls to date. A little boi on boi action!
It’s getting late, any last thoughts?
Me: I think I should go to bed soon. I’m beat and I have to work tomorrow. Peace, love and big hugs. Don’t rush this life. It may be a while ‘til you get to the next one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)