What Are You Going to Hell For? Random Anonymous Spurts of Sin.

I polled several people at my local coffee shop and I took advantage of the drunks at the bar next door, then later friends on the phone (also drunk). Some of these are mine. My REALLY good friends will be able to pick them all out. No worries if you can’t pick them all out, it doesn’t mean I don’t trust you, just that I didn’t remember til now!! Don’t ask me to tell you who said what, because I would never. That’s the point. I’m like a priest and if you’re lucky....I will absolve you of your sins, my child.

~Thinking about Down’s syndrome kids when I see the crosswalk sign that says “Slow Children”
~Burning ants with a magnifying glass
~Accidentally killing a kitten in the dryer
~Loving retarded people for all the wrong reasons (Not sex, dumb ass)
~Having sex in my friends (plural) bed
~Having sex in my parents bed
~Looking at porn on my parents bed
~Masturbation
~I love midgets
~Pooping in the pool and blaming on someone else
~Wanting to lick my gf’s butthole, baby
~Losing my virginity at 13 to a 16 year old in the chapel of church camp in Estes Park, CO
~Having a 4some at a trailer park public shower when I was 14, the girls were 21 and they thought I was Irish
~One night stand on a bench in front of office max
~One night stand in New Orleans, she made me take my cross necklace off
~Gave a BJ to my boyfriend in the back seat while my mom was driving
~Watched my mom’s porn
~Used to fall asleep listening to Dr Ruth, when I was 6
~Stole 20 bucks from a homeless dude once, I was homeless at the time
~Had sex with my parents.......Russian exchange student....a lot
~Stealing from the store I worked at
~Having sex while my friends were having sex on the next bed over
~Cheated on a college assignment
~Told girls I was gay, so I wouldn’t have to date them
~I’m a lesbian and I hate Ani D
~Had sex in my sisters bed left the condom on her pillow
~Faked orgasms with my last gf
~Ended an 11 year relationship between two guys. The one I fucked before he went to prison, the other while the one was in the slammer. Fell in love with both...dropped them both when they fell in love with me.
~1st (5) gay experience(s) were with my girl cousins’ boyfriend. No worries, she’s a lesbian now and he’s in prison.
~My last gf hit a cat in my car and killed it. We drove away.
~Kicked my friend’s chair out from under her in the cafeteria at school. She fell on her ass.
~Paid my sister to make my bed every morning, took the money out of her piggy bank to pay her.
~Told my sister bird shit was a tootsie roll, she ate it.
~Once treated my sisters infected earring hole with dog penis cream.
~Used my parents mini van for “work purposes” when I was really meeting people I met on the internet.
~Cheated on my husband.
~Worked at a restaurant, when someone just wanted a smoothie, I accepted the money, as a tip.
~I knit while I drive.
~Used to give my sister swirlies.
~My barbies had better sex than I ever have, until now, baby!
~I only played with dolls that shit themselves cuz they were more masculine.
~I thought about fucking women while HE was fucking me.
~I used to give him mercy fucks and call them “Fuck Fridays”.
~Accomplice to adultery
~Breaking the law
~Smoking crank at my parents house.
~Lying and cheating in general.
~Saying God Dammit in church.
~Gave my brothers’ wedding speech while I was I high on coke.
~Fucking a dude in the Amsterdam parking lot, halfway out of the car. I was supposed to be following a chic home...
~Ended three hetero marriages with kids by fucking the wives....I still love all the kids.
~I used to spank the dolls my mom made me because I hated dolls.
~I licked my cousins vagina in the sixth grade.
~Sometimes I wish I had a penis so I could fuck my gf with it.
~I used to make Ken sodomize Barbie.
~I used to give my Barbie dyke haircuts.
~I only went to church cuz my grandma bought me donuts.
~Had sex in the church my sister-in-law got married in, in the room she got dressed in


Leave your confessions in the comments if you dare or drop me an email and I will post them for you. It will feel a whole lot better to get these things off your chest! We’re all going to hell on a short bus and I’m driving!

You Were Wearing What?

Popped that vicoden pretty late. Things didn’t really get started until later in the evening. Drag shows are fun, but the best part is how many broad spectrum butch types come out to play. Lots of eye candy. Yum yum. I think we all get the point, the girls are hotter when the kings are out!! Everyone is drinking around me and I start to get thirsty. “Ok Andy, just two Kamikozes.” ($1.50 shot special) The first one goes down nice and fast, the second is touching my lips when my ass starts vibrating.

It’s K, my sis. She never calls when I am out at the bar, so I know it must be something. I’m not prepared for what is about to unfold. She’s sobbing. Her car was hit from behind, the other driver fled and she’s hurt and confused. B drives me to help her. I called my mom on the way and my mom called my dad.

When we arrive, she is out of the car and shaken. The car is a total loss, the ass is dragging on the ground. Two hot cops, like ten not-hot cops. The chic cop standing with K was blonde and way cute. Being as I was not sober, I may have said rather loudly that the cop was super good looking. The Blonde Cop (BC) asked K for her registration and and proof of insurance. “In the glove box,” K said, “I’ll get it.” BC explains it is her job to get that stuff and for K to stay put.

K turns to me, fear in her eyes, “I left a blunt in the car.” Shit, K! K’s shaking in her boots now. BC opens the car door, goes for the glove box, then sniffs, keeps sniffing, then the flashlight starts roaming. Seats are being pushed forward. Compartments opened. Ah-ha!! Bingo, BC finds what she’s looking for. She also pulls out the paperwork. She calls her Sargent over for a sniff.

“Hello? Hi, Mom.” “Was she holding?” “Uhhhh...yes...” “Shit, how could she? Shit, why? Shit, Fuck, Dammit K[‘s whole first name]. I have told her time and again not to drive with that shit!” (What we should all understand is that, just like the old PSA of the early 90’s, we learned it from watching you Mom. Both my folks are pot smokers. My mom is more functioning than my dad, who is a giggler. “Uhh, hang on Mom, Dad’s on the other line.”

“Hello?” “J, it’s your dad. Was she holding?” “Ummm....yeah.” “Shit, J, why was she doing that? Doesn’t she know that this kind of arrest could ruin her life?” “I’m sure she does, Dad. Listen, Mom’s on the other line, can I call you back?” “Call me as soon as you know what’s happening...”

“Mom...?” “I’m here.” (Yucky, stern, “her” voice.) “What’s happening? Is she getting arrested, I have told her time and time again, Do Not Carry That Shit Around. Tell her I said that.” “I can’t really mom, she’s talking to the cop.” “Oh my god, oh my god.” I can just read her thoughts, ‘How will I explain this event of my white trash children to my sisters and brother? How did I fail my girls? They are pothead, lesbian whores. How could my girls fail me. I brought them up to be ladies..’ “Uhh, Mom, I’ll call you back.”

“They let me go. BC said she and the sarge would let it go, pretend they didn’t see it, but no more smoking in the car.” Ok, does this shit really happen in real life? I guess so. (Unless they’re about cockroaches, my stories are non-fiction. Who knows why some people get off and some people blow .01 over the legal limit? It’s a mystery.)

“Hello?” “Well?” “Hi Dad. It’s all good.” “What do you mean, It’s all good? Is she getting arrested?” “No...., it ok.” Seriously, I don’t know how much more clear I can be high on Vic, adrenalin and alcohol. I don’t know how much K told the BC about what she was really carrying. Hang on Dad, Mom’s ringing in...

“Hello?” “Well?” Jesus, maybe I should just three way. “She’s fine. It’s all good.” “What do you mean?” “I mean, they let it go.” “How is that? They just let her go? Well, why?” “I don’t know, I don’t think I should ask.” Shit I forgot about Dad on the other line. Hang up, hang up, call you later when I have more info.

BC- “The tow truck is here, you want to get any thing out of the car?” K needs her CD’s out of the center console. I get them...the blunt is still there!! They left it. They really did pretend not to see it. The luck of the Mexican-German-Dutch, I suppose. “K, do you need your coats?” I yell across two lanes. K thinks about it. Before she can answer, Sarge, says “Ask her if she wants her blunt.” I almost peed my pants right then and there. “I’m not gonna yell that in front of you, besides, I already know, Hell Yeah she wants it. She just got rammed in the backside!”

I am not sure if B will ever hang out with me again, but I am sure he laughed his ass off this night. We get what we can out of the car. On the way to B’s car, Mom calls..again. She’s asking me all sorts of questions while K is trying to tell us what BC said. Then, K, not knowing Mom was on the phone, says, “The best part is, when I got hit, all I was wearing was my panties, high heels and my coat.” Holy fuck!! “I don’t think you want me to tell Mom that.” “Shit, that’s Mom on the phone?”

Mom, “Blah, blah, blah, bla....What was she wearing? Tell me she did not just say only her panites...."

Anniversary Thoughts (April 3)

Today is my wedding anniversary. Anyone remember last year? I took E to a hockey game and didn’t even remember it was my anniversary until I got home and saw the gift on my bed. I still remember, HE got me, the newest Post Secret book. It was sitting on my bed with a card and a note.

HE was so full of hope for the future. HE wanted so badly for our marriage to work out. I think now HE knows that it just couldn’t, that I couldn’t go on any longer, I was ready to just be dead.

This year, for the first time ever, I remembered without having to be reminded weeks before hand and without having to look on the silver champagne goblets. This year, also for the first time, I got HIM a gift. Less of an anniversary gift and more of an, “I’m sorry.” gift. I’m sorry I didn’t take into account HIS dreams when I followed mine. I’m sorry I didn't think about HIS feelings when I wanted to heal my wounds.

That being said, would I still choose the path that I am on now, knowing what I do today? Yes. Yes. and Yes. I finally belong. I finally fit my body. I know what my needs are and I can attend to them. My head isn’t such a jumbled fried mess anymore. I would hope I would be more sensitive to HIM.

I Won I Won

So I entered a writing contest about a month ago. I won. I won I won I won I won I won!!!!! Who would have thought? I am so excited. The professor running the contest called me about 11:30 this morning and told me. He said I would have to read my piece aloud on April the 22. I started panicking, “Which piece won?” You see I entered in the Sex. poem and I am bold, but bold enough to read that out loud...not sure about that. He laughed and told me my fiction piece was the winner. (Conspiracy Theory Proven) I said, “Good. Not sure I would have enough guts to read the poem out loud.” He said the content of the poem was why it couldn’t win. So really, I won two of the three categories. But sex is still too scary, I guess. I feel on top of the world right now and really nervous!! I will practice reading every day. If anyone wants to come, it’s on April 22, at Gateway Community College. 40th St and Washington. The reading starts at noon. Holy cow!!!