Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm Sorry

I just can't get her out of my head. I am still crying every day. Not all day. Somedays it's just a tear and others a downpour. I don't know what's wrong with me. Fuck! I'm fucking pathetic. How did I manage to let a girl get to me like this?

Missing Us (Still)

I’m at the first place we met up after our initial meeting. It’s almost the same, except you’re not here. You were though. You were looking to the north, watching for the three. always a constant eye on them, without need for reward. When I would get up to look, you would reassure me that they were safe. You put your arm around me that day, so tentative and gentle, the same as last night. You took my breath away that day and you still do every time I look at you. I knew you would break my heart. The night before, you laid your head on my shoulder, a small, well remembered gesture. In my head, I promised to always be strong for you, as long as you were part of my life.

You met me at work one day, you brought me a book. I wanted so badly to kiss you, but we were in front of my boss’s window. “Thanks for the time in between”, was written in the book you gave me. Time in between what, I asked. In between all your other responsibilities, you said. You noticed. I called in late to work and took you to the airport. We talked, we laughed, we watched each other; was easy conversation. When it was time for you to go, I asked if I could kiss you. You said yes. I did. We worked. When you came home, we made love for the first time. So perfect. Like a puzzle, we fit perfect into each other. I slept. I never sleep the first night with someone. But with you, i did.

As I write this now, I am weeping. I cry because the love is not gone. I cry because I don’t know our future. I cry because you make me happy. I cry because I am angry with myself for crying. I cry because when I say I love you, I really want to say, I’m still so in love with you. But I don’t want to make it worse for you, so I don’t tell you. Last night you held me. I felt it, it was real. When you tell me love me, you mean it. You give me hope and take it away in the same breath. Who you are inside is who I love. I’m not sure that’s a concept you are used to.

Plato spoke of a love that is so deep and spiritual that it transcends previous comprehension of beauty. You make the world more beautiful for me. Now the sun shines warmer on my shoulders, the sky is bluer. I see your smile in every happy face, I hear your laugh in the wind. The very thought of life without you weighs heavy on my chest; it suffocates me. Just when I get strong enough, you hold me and I fall apart again. Am I deceiving myself? I really miss you. My body aches to be near you, it’s a physical pain.

I love you. Some days I wish I didn’t. You have changed me. You broke me, but I will rebuild stronger. You leave in a month for 5 months. Will we survive? Will we fortify our friendship? We each walk alone in two different worlds. We acknowledge that neither would survive in each others realm, but could these two places find a sound meeting ground?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

her ache

after every break and repair her shape changes subtly
when will she become unrecognizable?
will she just not repair one time?
can the small cracks i never bothered to fix, splinter together and smash her fragile frame?
is there a time i just won’t feel the pull of her longing pounding in my chest anymore?
ever she beats, tormenting me with her resilience
pushing me to try again, to let her unleash her flood of love
is it the being loved or the loving she thrives on?
in my pursuit of understanding her, i give into her control, to let her lead me
i follow her from one ache to another, each time hoping to make a stop at peace

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

logical love

how is it possible that i have known her for so little time and i can’t get her out of my brain. i mean the love isn’t even logical. we live in two different worlds. think about different things. know life differently. and want two lives seeming in contrast with one another. my smart brain tells me this break up is a good thing. my emo lame-o brain remembers all the laughs we had. all the longing looks. those perfect nights. her smell. her taste. smart brain says she’s gone for four months this year and up to nine months in a playing year. emo brain wants to be held and loved. emo brain wants to hear her laugh again. emo brain wants to talk about scary stuff with her some more. smart brain is screaming for me to just accept it. emo brain is (much to the dismay of smart brain and whole person) holding just a glimmer of hope she comes to her senses. smart brain’s not sure emo brain is going to forget her any time soon. emo brain might need to shut down for a long time. i might just be a little intoxicated. its all true. i miss her so much it’s stupid. my body is aching to feel her, sense her near me. my chest feel like it will explode. and my brain won’t go to sleep. fucking girls. fucking her. fucking sadness. why the hell didn’t I stop myself from loving her? I hate myself for loving someone who can't fully love me.