Friday, July 03, 2009

She Speaks, Yet Again

The transmission on the van that I still owe 9000 dollars on. The A/C in the house that I just has fixed last year. And now the hard drive on my two year old Mac Book. Gone. Lost. For good. (Luckily, I backed up onto an external hard drive a couple of months ago.) So the universe, or she when I am mad at her, speaks to me. Time and again, she sends small notes, but I guess she has been trying to tell me something and I wasn't listening. To refresh, last time, after I screamed at her "What more?", she responded by sending someone to my house to break into it.

So what exactly could all this mean? The nearest I can tell is that I am really disconnected with the things and people who really matter. Am I really always plugged in, driving, or spending all my time in my room? Yes. One short, not so hard look reveals that I am. I live in my car and live for my phone and my computer. When the computer crashed today, I told the repair man that my lover was sick. He was confused as all hell, but then he caught on.

So after a long cry and talking it out on the phone with friends (TK was not available and I would really love to talk to her right now, but no service) I went and picked apples from my parents apple tree. I felt so good with the breeze blowing on my skin and the sun filtering through the leaves to kiss my skin. That is where I belong. In nature, Not here writing this blog or on my phone coordinating a night of country dancing. that's not where my heart lies. I long to be outside when I am inside and never want to go in when I am out.

I never wanted a cell phone. I was so reluctant to get one and now I have my yahoo, facebook, myspace and weather channel apps downloaded on my crackberry. I am never without it. I won't let my kids watch TV, so why would I allow myself to be constantly connected to my phone or computer?

So I need to make some changes. (Some have been made for me...) It won't be easy. I am not sure how I will do my papers for this upcoming semester, which promises to be VERY paper heavy. I will make due though. I know I will. As I said in my last post, I am supported now. I feel it, I know it. I have hated the van since I got it. I think I will give it back to the bank and take the financial hit. The A/C is fixed, but I know I can live without it and the computer? I will get it fixed, but I will not be on it nearly as much.

Maybe subtle hints don't work for me. I must be dense when it comes to the universe's whispers, but when she yells, I hear. I hear her loud and clear today.