We returned from Alaska a week ago. The trip was good. Well worth the really dismal state of financial affairs we are wading through. She and I spent 9 days completely with each other. We talked, we cried, we took photographs and we laughed. I heard her laugh. That song I love so much. Her smile shined like the sun that was stuck behind the clouds through most of Canada. She was sober. She was guarded. I was very guarded. I told her about going to Al-Anon and liking it. I did not tell her I wanted to go back. I felt ashamed to be needing to feel that connection. I felt sad thinking that she would be feeling judged. I felt scared that she would leave me because I couldn't deal on my own.
Fast forward to present. That lovely sobriety has ended, but this time, I was able to self-talk my brain into believing that it was solely her choice and I have no control over her in any way. How can she hit rock bottom when I stand in her way? I have good days and bad days. I finally told her that I was going to go back to Al-Anon weekly. She agreed that it may be good for me, but not because of her. I am working only on me. I am establishing boundaries where ones were just assumed. My assumptions were correct for some and dead wrong for others. Up until last night, I was not being completely honest with her. She hurts me sometimes, though never intentionally. This hurt has nothing to do with the drinking. Curbing this hurt is another area of self-talk I am becoming proficient in. What it is that hurts is of no relevance on this blog, but what came of last night may be.
She asked me if I was frustrated by it. She knew I was, but it was a huge elephant in the room that we both have tried desperately to ignore. I said yes. No hesitation, no more guarding, just simply, Yes. I told her all I have been feeling. All the thoughts of self deprecation and the self-talk to leave those thoughts behind. I told her my observations and asked if I am wrong about them. I hurt her. Or rather a pain she has been hiding came forward. Neither of us is at fault for this. Neither of us has brought this pain, but we both retain it. Especially her.
I woke up this morning lighter than yesterday, which was heavier than normal. I woke up today knowing the weight of my honesty on her. How could I have been so selfish as to have thought I was dropping my load when really she was right behind me picking up my honesty, piece by heavy piece, and placing it square on her shoulders. Another load to bear. Another person she feels responsible for hurting. Any one of you can tell me that she chooses to carry this burden, she can choose not to. My logical brain knows this, my emotional brain has just begun new growth and still lingers in it's old ways. I love her. This millstone was to be unloaded by me, never to be picked up again by either of us. How can I tell her to drop it? How can I be honest while still being sensitive to her propensity to take on the hurts of loved ones?
