Tuesday, July 31, 2012

why her?

i don't always ask why her, but tonight i am. why her? why was it that this person, the other half of my soul, was made to suffer and stumble and struggle her whole life? it's just not fair. and for what? i'll tell you. so someone else could feel in control. so someone could turn a blind eye. so someone could pretend everything was alright. she suffers because others couldn't. wouldn't. we all suffer now.

if it meant she wasn't in my life. if it meant i never knew her love. if it meant, as she believes, that she wouldn't be her, i'd accept that. if tomorrow her pain went away, but so did she, i'd say goodbye and never look back.

why her? why was she abandoned? why wasn't anyone watching over her? why today does she suffocate? does she choke on words she needs to scream? why can i only stand by helpless? always helpless to abolish her pain. always helpless to filter her dreams. helpless to numb. helpless.

how could a god allow something so fragile to break? to be broken. shattered. something so precious and priceless to fall into the hands of someone so careless? so ruthless? so oblivious? and how does this keep happening. not to her, but to other hers. other little ones. other fragile souls.

most days i don't think about it. most days we love. we fight. we wish. we dream. we stumble together through regular life. most days it's not on my radar. but hers. it's always blipping. the rage. the sorrow. the betrayal. most days it's nearly muted.

but some days, it takes the light out of her eyes. and that tears the breath from my lungs. the days she isn't here. isn't her. the days she believes her struggle is private. but i know her soul. i know her struggles. i know from watching her fight demons in her sleep. i know from watching her fight rage in wakefulness. i know because the other half of her soul belongs to me.

why her? she suffered so someone else wouldn't. couldn't. her soul is strong. she isn't broken. she isn't damaged. she is strong. she knows why her.