Thursday, September 20, 2012

It'll be you that leaves me.

Would you be happier with someone who knows your struggles, your fears, your nightmares, firsthand? Would you be happier with someone who can't be touched either? With someone who lived your terror? Because I am not that person. I just don't know.

I want so much for this to be normal, but I have a hopeless feeling that there is no normal in this. I am hopeless that you will never be able to meet my needs the way I wish for. I will never be totally confident in you always having the control. I have already given you so much control. I have found peace and acceptance with giving over what control I had. Can I find that same peace and acceptance with giving the rest of it, all of it? Can I ever find peace in in knowing that you will never meet me halfway because you are broken?

Because someone broke you.  Someone left you bleeding and hopeless. Someone stole your trust and wellbeing. Someone took all control from you.

I joined yet another support group to help me through the demons you brought into our life. All I see there is the hopeless lives others have led with the broken ones they have loved. I haven't posted because I don't want to believe ours is hopeless. I want to believe that all the work you are doing will help. I want to believe that you can be glued back together so you don't bleed anymore. I want to believe that we will be our dreams.

Your past, your crises will always be what we deal with first. My own sadness and hopelessness will always be hidden from you and forever mine to sort through alone. My happiness will always be shared with you to keep you from feeling hopeless. How can I leave you for something you couldn't stop? Something you are actively trying to sort through and patch? I'd be a selfish asshole to leave.

How much more can I deal with? As much as you can. As long as you continue to heal, so will I continue to support you. (There's that stupid hope again.) Though my head tells me to honor me.

I keep thinking the next thing we have to overcome will be the thing that breaks us because it's always worse than the last thing. Then we don't break, we get stronger. How strong do we have to be before the Goddess believes we are worth a life without struggle? How much more until we break? I am tired. So very tired of there always being a next struggle. I expect them now, so I do not get blindsided.

Chasing the storms in your heart is the worst and best job I could have had, but even those jobs have to end sometime. Will our end be our deaths, in 60 years? Will our end be this next struggle? The next revelation? The next year on constant battle?

Always questions, never answers. Not even in the silence.