Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Home


It's been far too long since I have posted. I have been writing, but mostly in my journal. I've been extremely honest in my journal, which is new for me. I am honest on this blog, but my journal leaves me much more vulnerable than this anonymous blog. My journal sits on my nightstand, begging someone to open it and read my thoughts. When I was married, I actually used to write what I thought he would want to read, so I wouldn't expose myself or hurt him. I don't think he ever read it, but I still lied to myself to make sure he didn't know the true me, and for that matter, neither did I. Now I don't lie to myself. I don't lie to her.

I don't really want to recap the last year. It's not been the same old though. There have been so many changes, especially in me, where all changes in my life NEED to originate from. I am happy. Maybe that's why I haven't been posting. Ha.

She's moving home. The same she it's been for the last 4 plus years. The same she that has had me on a roller coaster ride. The same she that moved out to pursue her dreams. She is the love of my life today. She is that same she that has broken my heart in many pieces. She is that same she that picks me up. She is that same she that has cheered me on right through graduation day and into a masters program. She's moving home.

Our home is small and right now, messy. It's new to us. We just downsized. My bedroom window overlooks the community garden we sowed our summer yums in. Our art is on the walls, including the two new pieces we bought at Pride last weekend. Her smell is on her pillow from the last night her head rested in dreams upon it. Our worm bin has no place in this tiny space, but so much room in my heart. The boys have the master bedroom, so they can fit easily together. My houseplants are thriving in the sunny living-dining-family-office-room. My yarn's in a storage shed. My books are in boxes. Her stuff is waiting to mingle with mine, to become ours in this tiny new home.

I am part of a community here. I want so much for her to be part of the community I have built around myself, but she has to find her own place here. I'm the PTA treasurer this year. I know parents at both the schools the children attend. I am asked to help volunteer and I do. I am terrified that she will be like him. Not liking to do anything I want to do, but doing it grudgingly. I know people when I walk down the street, just because I walk down the street so often. I have met neighbors. I am respected at the University. I am afraid she will be angry at not fitting in immediately.

I don't want to push her into doing anything. And yet I want her to feel at home before this is even her permanent home. I want to skip the bumpy transition and move straight to the smooth sailing. So many changes to be grateful for. So many fears to swallow, hold back, fight, quash, and never let creep in to take over my brain. I just need to have patience with the process. Once I finally let it go that she was ever moving back and moved on with my weekday life, the Universe decides it's time for her to come home.

She is my home. She is my last four years of struggle and growth. She is my today and hopefully my tomorrow. Here's to new beginnings. Here's to home.