Tickle Me Emo

Who cries at a bar? Apparently me. What set me off this time? Two breakdowns in less than a week...so unlike the past me I got used to. I will try explain. School is starting on Saturday. I am scared to death to be the oldest person in there. Although, thank goddess, I don't look it and none of those young whipper snappers will even suspect my geriatric state. I am also so afraid of failing. Getting up on Saturday morning before 8 is scary enough. Having to be somewhere by 8 is another story. Then there is getting to T/TR classes on time. My new job is in Tempe, my school is in Phoenix. It will be so stressful on the roads. How will I deal with that? I think I will just have to try and leave at 445. My boss seems really cool. OK, so then there is my job. I accepted the position at ADP. I had to take a pre-employment drug screening. I was so afraid I wasn't going to pass, I used another's pee. She's clean and that's what matters. I did the drug test yesterday, which definitely explains some of the tears last night. In preparation of the test, I drank tons of water, read all about how to pass the tests, how long MJ stays in the body and what other substances I could take to debunk the test and buy me some time...just in case I chickened out using D's pee. When I got to D's house to pick up the specimen, I took a shot of vinegar. That shit stings the throat, but I'm all about the cause! I also drank a whole bottle of cranberry juice, and one Ibuprofen and one Tylenol, both of which fuck with the results. I rocked my body hardcore yesterday. At one point I had so much water in me, I felt lightheaded and almost drunk. I have the pee and KR and I set off to the lab. My seat heater in my car is on and I am sweating my ass off just to keep the pee warm. The lab is no longer able to perform drug tests, they have run out of kits. Off to another lab, meanwhile, I have pee in a medicine bottle stashed in my underwear. Get to the other lab, have to wait. It's all good, right? I am scared shitless. I have never done anything like this before. I am so grateful KR was there to keep me calm. The tester calls me into the back. She pulls her rubber gloves on and I have this immediate vision of her patting me down. Oh Shit! The bottle is so obvious. I actually thought to tell her it was my portable vibrator. She asked me to empty my pockets. That was it. I was so lucky. In the bathroom, I dumped the pee in the cup and peed in the toilet my own pee, so they could see I did in fact pee. I waited and waited and waited for the temperature spot to turn green. It was faint, but it went. I walked out and handed her the cup. I had to tell myself several times to steady the cup because my hand was shaking so bad. The deed is done. One less thing to worry about. Picked up the kids and E from school. Well, E really drove herself home, but it was like picking her up. Last night was the last night for me to do two step lessons at the Cash. Except NOT. It was Elvis Death Anniversary and the Lesbian Community was celebrating his life in Style. There were swing lessons and because I don't have a steady dance partner, I did not get to partake of them. I want to take dance lessons bad. I think I need to see if there are any on Saturday after my other class. Went swimming with E, KR, kids and JH. It was fun. My baby K got tired of playing with me and actually told me he wanted to play with his other mommy. (That's E.) I think both mine and E's chest puffed a little with pride! Earlier in the week, the woman at my school admin office told us that a child should have two moms. That was great. HE told me that HE felt it was unfair that I was able to budget to save $1000 per month and that HE felt I should pay for half of the bills so HE could save an equal amount as me. Last week HE said that I should pay the car payment, the cell phone bill and half of daycare. I told HIM I would pay for all that and the whole daycare bill. HE always knows the worst time to drop a bomb on me. HE wants to make it as hard as possible for me to move. I guess what HE doesn't get, even after all these years, is that my will is strong and I will get what I want. Je and I didn't talk at all yesterday. It kinda sucked. I guess I am a little disappointed with the situation, or I was last night, at least. I texted D from the bar. The text was semi-genius, I thought. Of course I was drunk, sooo... It said "Without the third wheel, there'd be no tricycle. I know I'm important." I knew D would know that this was an explanation and a plea, a satiric joke. She understood. Unfortunately, she didn't have her phone on her 'til much later. I really hate not having someone to hold my hand or hold me at night. (Except cuddle Wednesdays!! Haha!) I don't want to be romantically alone anymore. We moved to a couple of different bars and drank some more. Still only three of us. I hid in the bathroom at one bar, left the next bar and E followed me. Even after I texted her not to. I don't want or need to be followed. PWK must think I am the neediest, drama princess ever! I should have had them drive me home after the Cash, but I thought my night would get better, not worse. We ended our club hopping at Charlies, a really fun and packed country gay bar. We went outside and the subject of my straightness came up. I am really sensitive about this right now. I don't belong in either world and that is a very unsettling feeling. I am pretty unconventional anyway and I don't fit in everywhere all the time, but I am also very black and white on alot of important issues. The question of my sexuality is gray. I don't like gray. I want to belong somewhere. I don't want to be in limbo anymore. That conversation was the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked E where the bathroom was with the full intention of just walking the 4.5 miles home. I made it to the side of the bar before I had to sit. I didn't leave my spot for a long time. D finally called me back. Not because she heard my drunk message or my crying message, but because she read into my text. Feels good knowing someone knows me so well. Likewise, E caught on quickly that I didn't just go to the bathroom. I cried alot outside, went inside and tried to tell E I had allergies, even though I knew she wouldn't believe it. We talked again, the serious ME and YOU, nobody else really matters talk. I need that strength right now. Just like I needed our Wednesday sleepover. E means the world to me right now. I danced a couple of times, but the second time, my dance was interrupted by a phone call from A-DS. She's an amazing person. The night ended when a very drunk, soon to be VERY hung over, E fell of a bike with only one peddle and injured herself. At home, I am not sure how I got myself to bed in PJ's, but I slept hard. The night that I prayed to end was finally over.

Do I love myself?

I think my answer was too hasty. It's been my answer for so long that I guess it is easy to just go on believing what I always have. My answer was NO. In no uncertain terms, no. But I don't really think that's it. There are things I don't like about myself, but I am realizing that there are so many more I do like. This has been a year of growth and exploration and acceptance. Short of plastic surgery and/or serious commitment to exercise, my physical body will remain the same as it always was and I accept that. Not only do I accept it, I love it. I am slim and have bones showing where I want them to. I still have fat days and, more than not, bad, or rather, lazy, hair days. I am fortunate to own a couple of hats.. I am dealing with my inner chaos and everyday I recognize and accept my short comings and, more importantly, my qualities. I am a kind person. I have a lot of love for my friends, whom I consider my family. I am giving, sometimes to my detriment. I look for the good in everyone and every situation. I do run my mouth a little too much though and I hold onto the past fiercely if I have been wronged. I am never on time, but not always late. And I get mad at other people for the same problem. I over analyze things sometimes and I can't let them go. I talk about them over and over and usually the problem is so much smaller than I think it out to be. (Like Je....) I used to wonder what my eulogy would sound like. After what E said in the car on Sunday, I don't even care anymore. That was all I needed, to know I touched another person's life the way so many touch mine. So do I love myself? I don't not, that is to say I could. 2007 has changed me in ways I never would have dreamed. I love the person I have become in the last 30 years and want to see what the next thirty brings.

Big Words (and wishes) For a Thunderstorm

It’s 3am. I wish I had {someone.} with me to witness this transcendent exhibit by Dame Nature. The split second daylight followed by a cannonade so loud the air and earth reverberate about me; a whispered mist coming from the wind-driven rain outside my asylum.

I Wish I Was Back

So I went to San Diego again last weekend. Got in this morning around 1am. There is so much about this trip I want to say and so little that is coming to my stuffed brain. I am not sure whether to tell it like a story or just write about some amazing things that occurred in my brain and out. I was mad when we left an hour and a half late. I was mad because I had to face the wrath of HIM. I was mad cuz that meant we were getting there and hour and a half later than I thought. I was mad cuz I felt like we both had alot of time to pack. When she got in the car, she knew I was mad. What I didn't realize was that she has shit going on too. I am not the only one with a vida loca. We had it out for about three minutes, then it was done. I know you hate confrontation, E, and I know I force it on you and I am always impressed by the way you deal with me. (Even though I may not show it at the time.) The drive was long. I drove 5 hours and 45 minutes, she drove 15 minutes!! Ha! I was delirious when we finally switched on the freeway stuck in traffic at 9:30 pm. Finally at the hotel, shittiest parking spaces ever. But you managed and we didn't move the car all weekend. Je and I started where we left off. E and A-DS started over...again. At Captain Keno's, a little kissing in the bathroom hall. Baby, she called me, then stopped and said she couldn't call me that cuz I wasn't her girlfriend, so I suggested that she and I be weekend girlfriends, and that's what we became. Then someone walks in and she runs away. Went from pinning me against the wall to locking herself in the stall. Whoa. She says sometimes people aren't as cool as that guy, the one who walked in on us, was. She says they can be downright mean and instead of listening to it, or fighting back, as I would do, she runs away from it. Am I so naive that I think I can take on every intolerant prick out there? Got drunk fast. Back at the hotel, I got to be on top and figured out my hip bone is very handy. Someone being concerned about my pleasure took me aback. I actually didn't know what to do with that. I had performance anxiety more than once because I was expected to enjoy myself too. I can honestly say getting her off was a pleasure in itself. Not like a boy though. I wasn't a tool, I was a participant. I could definitely do that again. And I hope soon. The girls drank all day Saturday and smoked. :( I am not a very good pace yourself kind, so I was sober most of the day. Gosh I am sure there is so much I am forgetting. The beach sparkled. Not metaphorically, The Goddess actually sprinkled glitter on the sand for me to be delighted every time I looked down. I love the ocean. I love how peaceful I feel when I smell the air, taste the water, hear the waves.. I honestly can't think of anything bad that has ever happened to me by the ocean. Buried A-DS in the sand. What a sport! Je and I had a little moment. I said something she didn't like, or really understand, and she had a physical reaction, then we went on like nothing happened. Later I made her discuss it. I don't like pending issues. Je and I left the beach to take a shower. She showered first. When she got out, she smelled so good. I wanted her and that was the hottest I have been in forever. I got to use my hip again. Hehe.. I think my favorite memory of the whole trip will be going to get takeout from one place and running to the bar for a little drinky drink... or three. We had the same bartender both nights, Da, we shall call him. We found out that they had a birthday cake every Saturday night, so later we surprised A-DS with a bday celebration. Anyway before we picked up the order we had shots and mudslides and conversation and kisses and peace. We raced to get our food. I won, but it's just cuz my legs were longer, Je is fast. We ate our food on the balcony patio at the Portafino Inn, room 228. The breeze was soft and the burger was amazing. Laughter, food, friends and a lover. Does it get any better? Apparently so, cuz Je and I got into the hot tub after dinner. The bday celebration commenced at C.K.'s. The drinking continued. I went down to the beach alone that night. Drunk and happy. I stood in the water and got my PJ's wet, almost lost my shoes. When I got back, I curled up next to my weekend girlfriend. So comfortable, so real, so content. Then she left at 630 in the morning. Back to camp. Will I ever see her again? Was leaving as hard for her as watching her leave was for me? The rest of the day is a blur, until I had a total and surprising breakdown in the car. I don't want to leave. I am uncertain about the future. Will I be able to move? Is this job right for me? How much can HE hold me back from my dreams. The hug I needed the most came from the seat next to me. It was then I realized how powerful the love and friendship I have with her is and how I had affected her life. What you said to me was unbelievable. How could I have so much influence on someones life? Del Mar Beach was amazing, absolutely worth the $35 parking ticket I got for not reading the Pay Here to Park Here sign. Dinner was great the ride home was great the fact that you had your pipe on your lap for the border patrol to see (and they missed) was great. I hate to be back in town, but I did miss my friends and I think VD and KRL *ABSOLUTELY MUST* move with us to CA. Unconditional love and acceptance are the two greatest things I can teach my boys. Tomorrow, I will write about Sunday morning with Joyce.

Open Mind, Open Heart

I have always thought of myself as very open. In every sense of the word. Accepting (as well as hella readable). I love so many people for so many different reasons. Have I ever passed judgement on someone I didn't know? Yes. I can acknowledge now that what I did was hurtful. This may not be the most coherent post; it's late and I haven't been stoney in weeks, but I am going to try to make some sense of my thoughts. I just finished reading an amazing book. To me this book is a story; I don't identify with the main character at all, but I have friends who do or possibly would if they read it. The story itself isn't as important to me as the lesson I learned from it. Words can be weapons, even unsaid words etched in a disapproving face can be so damaging. I have the capacity to love and yet I find, sometimes, I withhold it. The reasons are, I'm sure, many. Fear, mostly though. I fear that what I see in another that I don't like, judge, make fun of, what have you, is what I don't like in myself. Upon first sight, I see only physical manifestations of character. A gait, a feature, perhaps, clothing even. And based on that, I choose whether or not I want to get to know a person. How many amazing people am I pushing aside based on one sideways glance? A skewed view of who a person is based on a one second assessment? Is it possible to get to know every single person I see? Yes, I think so. Probable? Absolutely not. Based on a person's appearance, is it okay to decide not to get to know them? The guy at my interview today that walked by, he looked dim, a mouth breather, probably loves NASCAR, no wedding ring; maybe he's lonely. I just don't know and as you can see from the first word I chose to describe him, I don't really want to know. That is about as honest as I get. I'm a real asshole. I think every conscience moment, which if you really think about it, only a few moments in your life are actually conscience, I spend examining myself and my tendencies, will bring me closer to real acceptance for all humankind. I promise myself that I will try harder not to come to snap judgements about people because maybe I would like NASCAR if I gave it a watch. Maybe.

E

Just posting some love for my girl E. H-bomb is a asshole. You deserve way more than that. Don't settle until you find the person who is meant to be with you forever. And not her, cuz I don't think I can hear about it forever! Haha! You and I have an amazing friendship and sometimes beyond. Some days I don't understand why the universe brought you to me and some days I am grateful beyond belief. Don't ask me why. You will have a piece of my heart until it beats no longer. I have said things to you that I had never said out loud before and you didn't judge me. You have taught me things I would never have learned alone. You have brought me to tears more than once, you gave me back things I thought I had lost forever. You also piss me off the most of any of my friends! You always keep me on my toes, that's for damn sure! You are the BD to my SM and always will be! I love you, mama!

Jobby Job

I had that phone interview I was so nervous for. I showered, dressed nice and did my hair and makeup for a phone interview. How big of a dork am I? It went well, which is what I was afraid of. Then I had a face to face interview. I went in with the cocky confidence that can get a girl in trouble or hated, but I didn't care. I don't really want a job anyway. Now I have been called back for a third interview with the GM. Why am I allowing this to go on? I guess I like to entertain the idea of an 18 dollar an hour job. I know I am worth at least that in my field. Before this third interview, I have an interview at Mama Java's, my favorite coffee shop. It's probably an 8 dollar an hour job that would make me really happy, but would not really help me towards my goal of moving. I do really need a break from the kids, and this job could afford me the possibility of being home sometimes during the day and being able to still pick them up from school. This decision is mine to make ALONE. And that is just how I am feeling right now, ALONE. It seems to be a no brainer, the job where I make the money, right? The thing is, I hate corporate america. (So much I don't capitalize america.) I hate the thought of killing myself and destroying my family just so I can have money. I realize that I need money to do the things I want to do, but there must be a better way to accomplish these goals without being Bush's whore. So I have to weigh my pro's and con's and really think about it. You wanna know something, if I take the coffee shop job, I can smoke this weekend. That's a pro. I haven't been stoned in almost two weeks and I am really wanting to get stoned with Je this weekend. I may go the interview tomorrow at mama Java's and hate it, who knows? Any of my readers have any advice or want to help me weigh out my pros and cons, you know how to contact me.

So many questions, no answers

What would you say your strengths are? Your weaknesses? Who would you say has had a great impact on your life and why? Are you looking for a career or a job? Are you willing to relocate? In case you can't tell, I have a job interview tomorrow. The first interview is on the phone. Then a follow up in person. I am really nervous. I am more worried I will get the job, then not. I have never turned down a job offer before. Not even a stupid one. I think the summer with the kids made me crazy enough to go back to work, but summer is ending in two and a half weeks. Shit. Well, wish me luck? How about wish me to figure out what it is I truly want. The money would be good. I asked for a nice salary. What would I do with baby K? The older boys? My house? My social life? Target? I am so ahead of myself, it is ridiculous! It's just a phone interview! Follow up tomorrow.

Anyone Want to Dance?

So I had a date. It had to be postponed for a week, I was sad about that, but whatever. I meet her at the bar fro 2 step lessons. She couldn't stop jumping around and moving. I started to suspect she was on something, but i couldn't get E alone to ask her. I asked her why she was so hyper and I called her cracky once also. She did not like that... E kept looking at us so I assumed she noticed too. Anyway after the lesson, she started to come down. She said she needed to go out to the car to get a lollipop. Claiming hypoglycemia. She finished the sucker and i expect that she would pop back up, but then she starts biting her lower and scrunching her face up. She started to fall asleep at the table. (Je called i between all this and I was a little perturbed because I wanted to talk to her but couldn't because I was on the worst date ever.) This girl finally leaves. Scrunch scrunch, chew chew. I call Je immediatley. I tell her I had the worst date ever and she says, sorry. Then she says, no I'm not really sorry. She likes me.... So here I am, no better off than last week, with no dance partner and now a third notch on the disater girl belt.

And just cuz I don't want to start a whole new blog...

I really like Je. She's smart, funny and, I think, hella sexy. The problem is, I don't want to like her. She's so far away. I want to be near her, right now, in fact. Out of the girls I have hung out with so far, she is the only one who has really turned me on. With the exception of course of one person. Hehe... Maybe it's just the more experirnce I have with girls, the more natural things come? I don't know, but I don't feel intimidated by her at all. I don't feel the pressure of expectation. Could it be the distance? I'm not really worried about it all the time, just when I think about it.

KR

I miss you in a big way. Are you ever coming home to stay there? I miss your laugh and your kind way and your sarcasm. Oh and Cherry bomb is next week, yo!! You still going? Loosen up my buttons babe...

Unprovoked Attack

We'll get through this D. I understand that you are emotional right now. If you think I am not going through the same thoughts and questions as you, you are wrong. You have been gone all summer. I have relied on E for alot. Yes we are closer, but she cannot replace you, just as you could never replace her. I love you both so much and never would have thought there would be jealous animosity between you. You are there for me in ways I never knew a friend could be there. And I know you will still be that friend, even after this afternoon. I made a decision not to go to a water park. I had to be back on my side of town by 5. Not easy during rush hour. As for Monday, I had plans with E before I even knew you were coming home. You didn't even know when you were coming home until I was already in San Diego. Hanging up on me because you said all you wanted was a bit childish, hanging up on me three times was disrespectful. As far as having me all to yourself, we both know we need to plan that. No kids, no spouses, no V, no E! If you want to get fired up about E being with me alot of our hang out time, then I will bring up V. When is the last time you and I went out dancing alone? Never. V is always there. I don't complain. When was the last time we had a drink alone? A very long time. I don't complain. In the beginning, I got that it was easier for you to keep it up with V when I was around. I didn't complain. When I needed you alone, I told you. Most of the time it happened, but sometimes, I was disappointed to find V was coming. The thing is, I wasn't jealous, I never questioned our relationship. I love you and I know you are my friend, I know you have my heart. I feel like you are taking out the Scott thing on me. I have nothing to do with that. I have nothing to do with Soh or the fact that you want to keep hanging out with them after they repeatedly hurt you. I get that you are upset and I am here to listen, but not to be yelled at because you are upset about somebody else. Please talk to me when you are ready. I will be here.


12 am follow up
We are on the mend. I talked to you tonight. You and me babe. I love you!

San Diego Pride

Chapter 1
The Drive There

Left Friday evening. Rode in the back seat of a VW beetle. E and J drove. Music was loud. Weed was free flowing. That is until we had to stop at a border patrol check point...with drug sniffing dogs...ten minutes after we smoked...with E driving... Whoa! Shaking. Cigarettes burning. Freaking, not me though. I was too stoned to be freaked out. Before I left, I promised E I would be nice to J. I made sure I thanked her and told her how much of a rock star she was. Maybe a little over done, but who cares? I wanted to have a great weekend. I figured once I got to the club, I could break away if I needed. I am not as hopeless as E would have everyone believe. :) E and I texted the whole way and when we were almost there, we got caught by J! Shit! foiled again by that meddling kid! We got to the hotel room which I had to sneak into because we only paid for two people. (Got caught anyway!!!) We all changed our clothes (in case I forget to mention it, E had a major breakthrough... she was able to change in front of people, well maybe just her shirt, but that's really good! You go, darlin'!!)

Chapter 2
Tube Top Hottie

So I bought this tube top like 6 months ago, but I couldn't wear it because it was a little see through. I knew it looked good on me, so I finally broke down and bought a strapless bra to wear under it. My boobs looked big, my jeans were a perfect fit, not being a fat day and all. J has changed about four times already. In the car, we had a discussion about tube tops and how sexy they can be. J said she would have to see it on me first to decide if I should wear it. AS IF!!!! Oh J, you don't like my top, I will change it now.....NOT!!! Fucking tard! Anyway, I looked good. But J didn't like the color. Well the green and cream were alright, but the blue stripe. And the way the stripes were diagonal. Holy hell J, does that J stand for jealous much? J then stated that she had to change because she "could not be out-femmed by" me. I will decipher that code for everyone, it goes as follows, "J (me) looks so much hotter than I do and I can't let that happen, cuz I'm way prettier (me snickering), so I will change into something I think is way cooler and sexier." Leggings and a dress, J? Nice try though.

Chapter 3
The Loft and Getting to It

Pick up L at the airport. So we're a little late. I guess J didn't know that about me and E. we're never on time, especially together. not knowing S.D., J did a really good job of navigating all 4000 freeways. We made it to downtown a little after midnight. E and I were really hungry and E was in a particularly bad mood. (Low blood sugar.) J wanted to go out to a club. I know I wasn't feeling it, but.... So we couldn't find one. We called everyone we knew to give us some clue as to where to go, but to no avail. We ended up in Hillcrest, the predominately gay section of town, at a bar called The Loft. It was a gay man's club, which there seem to be a lot more of around. i didn't feel like drinking so I went and danced with a nice old man, then I went outside to enjoy the fabulous weather, watch gay men have a super dramatic argument and read the Pride Guide. E came looking for me; I guess she thought I left like I did the other night from E Lounge, but alas, I just wanted air.

Chapter 4
Mission Beach Taco

We left The Loft and J, ever the princess and courteous hostess, wanted to take E to the beach, thinking that was what she needed to obtain a better state of mind, when in fact it was just sustenance. We found our way to Mission Beach, thanks to Gary and Terri. Two food stands were open. J and L went to the Gyro stand and E and I went to the taco stand. On our way to get tacos, some guy told me he liked pussy as much as I did. And he proceeded to go into detail. Thank you guy, I needed that. Yummy burrito!! Hell yeah! E ordered tacos. This may sound irrelevant but as you are about to read, it is not. There was a guy in line behind us. He started talking to E about his tacos. She said her tacos were better because she ordered hers first. The guys interpret ted and restated her comment as such, "I guess your tacos would taste better cuz you eat them better." Haha!! I laughed my ass off. That is not what she said at all! That guy insisted that was what he heard.

Chapter 5
Beach, Burrito and Low Tide

While my friends sat away from the water, I got as close as possible. I love the ocean. She speaks to my soul. She calms me and coddles my sore heart. Peace floods my body with every incoming wave. She is my friend and I am free to let my thoughts wander when I am with her. I thought so much about nothing and everything in that half hour alone. (That's another whole blog.) I could hear them from time to time and felt sorry that they (especially E) could not feel what I was at that moment. I guess she might have, but I don't know. She was with J, so I assume she was not feeling complacent. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" Irish accent, that was enough for Lauren. She went off for a tussle in the sand with Phillip. back to the hotel. lucky we didn't get kicked out, I guess the manager figured out there were four of us, not two, but we all know how Neverlies embellishes her stories. Hard time sleeping. Should have smoked before bed. Giggling from the next bed over.

Chapter 6
Pride Day!

Woke up at 9:30. Totally not enough sleep. Showered, washed my hair. J says she will flat iron it for me. Great, I said, cuz I can't ever do the back well. I started to do it while she tried on 10 different outfits. Rainbow halter, bikini top, black shirt, white tank, jeans, black pants, so on and so on. When we think she finally settles, she comes into the bathroom vanity area and starts to help me. I told her it was quite a process no matter how short my hair was. She tried to put a bump on the top of my head. No bumps I said, absolutely not. She yanked my hair through the flat iron a few more times, then she said, Oh that looks good. It wasn't even done. I stayed there for another 20 minutes finishing it. Wore my pink plaid shorts. I love them. Also my red and rainbow bikini top and some layered tanks. (Well my belt wore my tanks most of the day.)

Chapter 7
Denny's and Godly Old Woman

Waiting for a table at Denny's. "Keep the Ten Commandments" is what the bumper sticker says. An old woman steps out. I am a little stoney and thirsty. I go inside and find that there are 4 counter seats available. Come on girls, I say. Let's eat. We all take our seats and E is sitting next to the Godly Old Woman. E with her arms crossed and wary glances, GOW stiff, eyes shifted left. J and L talk too loud about girl sex and who's sleeping with whom and what not. Their speech and subject definitely match their age at this moment. (Early 20's.) The conversation moves to the origin of the rainbow as a gay symbol. The GOW pipes in now that the rainbow originated in the bible as God's promise never to flood the earth again. Thank you, I said. Well he sure did a doozie on southeast Asia last year, says L. But I guess they aren't a God fearing people, L again. This isn't the place for a religious discussion. There is a time and place, but this GOW is too old to change her ways now.

Chapter 8
The Museum Parking Lot

Text: Where are you? We're in the museum parking lot. Oh my gosh, so are we. Then there they are. A-DS and her friend Je. A-DS is really very pretty.(Nice taste, E!) Je has to be pee. I am intrigued. She's pretty cute. Hmmm.. Well, we'll see where the day leads. Hugs and intros all around. Where do you know her from?, J asks. Dinah Shore. The answer. Oh, pursed lips, possessive demeanor. Walking together, all 6. A-DS and Je and I are walking quite a bit ahead. A-DS, Where are your people? Me- E's my only people out of that group. Talk about my pink shorts for a bit. Shoot the shit..haha, I just wanted to say that. At the gate, we part ways. I wait for the other three. What a beautiful day. Take off the tanks, and head for the alcohol. Drinking, walking, drinking, walking. Biting. Alot of biting. Some of my parts are still sore three days later. J, are you feeling left out? I would be.

Chapter 9
Dinner Dates, Goodbye Kisses

L calls. Do we want to meet her and her dad for dinner? I guess, E and I say. Seven I guess. I go get food. I am hungry now, who knows when we will actually be eating. E and I share a falafel, J didn't want to share. E gets a text, Come say goodbye to us, we're in the back beer garden. The cool beer garden as it turned out. E, J, Naked Bubbles girl and boy and I walk to the other garden. J is starting to get pissy. We are going there to say auf wiedersehen to A-DS and Je. We have to jump a fence for some reason. That was fun. I don't get to jump many fences. When we get in, we find the girls right away. E goes to hang with them. I tell Naked Bubbles kids to divert J's attention, cuz she keeps looking for E. I let them in on the situation. We're all rooting for you E! They take care of her for a while. A-DS asks me how long E and I have been together. Ha! We're not I say. What? You totally are. Nope. Many people think that though. J finds us. Naked bubbles go back to their tent. Je starts Operation J Diversion all over. Arm around her, pretending like she is all into her. I back off. I thought Je really liked her. E asks me what I think about Je. She's cool......and cute. Je and I start talking. It's time to go. We have to be at dinner in 10 minutes and it will take us at least a half hour to get there. Goodbye Je, small peck on the lips. That was cute, do it again. Way more than cute the second time. I like kissing girls, especially one's who kiss well. Just cancel. She does. Much drama in between, but I don't want to recount that. I just want to think about having my collar bone licked...that was hot and it still turns me on thinking about it four days later. All the while E and A-DS were making out while J was getting sick cuz she drank herself stupider.

Chapter 10
The Kiss Heard 'Round the World

Walking to the front gate. J has fallen ill. Wants to get home. Je fell. I didn't see but it hurt bad I could tell. I kiss her to make it better...at least for me it felt better. I look up and A-DS and E are kissing.....and J IS WATCHING!!!!!!!!!! She runs away! Holy crap, mayday, mayday. The OJD failed. Abort Abort! Well, E goes after her. Why I ask? Why? I want to dance. A-DS and I are dancing to Erasure, the live Erasure!!!!!! Fuck Yeah. I have a decision to make, which I really had no choice but to choose to go to with E. Her pleading eyes. Her threatening tongue. You owe me girly. I left Je and A-DS to drive in a tense car all the way to La Mesa. I knew I wasn't going to hook up again that night. Sad me.

Chapter 11
The Curb, Stoop Talk, L's Dad, Rachel? and Swimming

E asks, Why do I always put myself in such chaos? E, I don't know what to tell you. Really, E, why do I? Because that's where I am comfortable I guess. Dealing with senseless drama is easier than dealing with my real issues. We talk on the curb so J can tell L what happened. L asks J what she expected when they are not in a committed relationship, there was mass amounts of alcohol involved and we were at Pride. J and L come out to smoke. E and L go inside. I'm stuck listening to the chimney asking me how I would feel. I didn't have an answer because it's never happened to me. J cried and I didn't hold her. At the time I felt really shitty about that. I would have held a stranger if they were crying, why not this girl? Back inside, there was a strange sight. L and E on the bed......I wish I could leave it at that, it would be funny. No, but, L's dad was in the room too just having a casual conversation with them. It struck me as so strange because my dad wouldn't sit in a girls bedroom and chat them. I don't know. Anyway... L's dad heated up the pool and hot tub for us. we got changed and L and I went out to swim while E and J talked...again. L's little, introverted to the max, half sister, Rachel, came to swim with us. l's dad told L to get her out of her shell. Show her gay stuff, so she wouldn't be so sheltered. The mom raises this girl fundamentalist christian. Eeeeegads. I was so uncomfortable with the thought of him wanting Rach to be exposed to way more than her mom ever would want her to know in a lifetime. When j and E finally joined us, the tension was unbearable. We got out soon after.

Chapter 12
Sweed Dreams, Honey

After all that and knowing it would be a long night, J still wanted to sleep with E, who, bless her heart, could not say NO. (You've been doing really good lately though.) So L and I shared a pull out couch. Knowing I wouldn't sleep, I suggested we hit the curb and smoke. Good idea self. I was almost asleep when L came to couch. She wanted to talk to me about having kids and why didn't I have an abortion. I have definitely answered that question before. She proceeds to tell me how the whole process of pregnancy and birth to her was like a parasite infiltration. This tape worm is ingested and grows and grows until it no longer fits in it's space then it is violently expelled! I laughed my ass off. L, you sure have a way with words girl. I am still laughing. E was pissed to hear me laughing from the other room. Sorry woman, I tried to get you out of sleeping with her. I think mid-sentence we both fell asleep.

Chapter 13
Kosher Breakfast

L's dad took us all out to eat at a Kosher diner. What fun. On the way there, I asked E to go to a party with me Friday night. J said, Honey, we will be in SF that weekend. We are still going aren't we? (E) Do you still want to? (Me thinking) Just say I don't think that would be a good idea. Tension hung in the air like L's snatch smell. Please turn on some music, I say. At the restaurant, they had pickles on the table to munch on. E picked one up with her hand and discarded it back in the container before she realized that was what she did. Gross girly! One side of the table was J, E and me. The other side was dad, L and Rachel. E and I basically had our own conversation the whole time. J kept trying to hold E's hand which is a sight to behold. How many different ways can E pull away? How many pull aways before J gets it? The old ladies next to us leave the restaurant. They comment on how lovely dad's kids are Such nice girls and the boy... Oh Dear, you're a girl! End of breakfast, J gets a call that can't wait and leaves the table. Iam talking with dad about how, when , why I choose girls over boys. (Another whole blog I have been meaning to post.) He asked E if she is ok with my kids and on the way out tells me I am lucky to have E. It occurs to me that he thinks E and I are together.

Chapter 14
La Jolla Snorkeling

I didn't have a chance to correct him. On the way to La Jolla, we saw a motorcycle crew doing wheelies on the freeway. It was surreal. I kept thinking they would tip backwards. The beach is beautiful but a bit cold for my skin. L, E and J are wading into the water. J says it's not so bad, you should come in. I think about it, I could. I would warm up, but I think I will let J have E to herself out there. I am sure E will really appreciate this. Not competition in the ocean. I walk back to our sunny spot on the top of the hill and get some sun. E comes up shortly after. We chill on the blanket, listen to the music and make fun of orangeface. It's time to go and J decides she needs to have a talk with with E right then. They walk. We pack. The pics from that walk are hilarious, but because this is pretty much an anonymous blog, I can't show them. The will however be posted on my myspace. There is one of the two of them where E is actually frowning! The corners of her mouth are downwards. And J is just smiling away!

Chapter 15
Home Sweet Home

The ride home was pretty uneventful. E and I rode in the backseat together. J kept on glaring backwards at us. They smoked like chimneys and I had the worst headache. We laughed our asses off at random things and planned our return S.D. trip to visit with A-DS and Je. That BTW is less than two weeks away!!!! Hell yes! When we got to my house, I go all my shit out of the truck and shut it. As soon as the trunk was shut, J peeled out! I had to laugh. I know this trip must have sucked for her and yet I don't really feel bad. Back to life, back to reality....

What the Hell?

I seriously need some psychiatric advice. I am leaving that blog up to remind myself why I can't lose my temper. It was only 6 bucks and I said mean things. Words hurt as bad as a hand. And I would never hit them. Bad Mommy Monster!!! Mommy monster is put away now. I feel like a real idiot. My kids saw right through me. I asked them how they feel about me moving out and as calm as ever...not even a flinch. They all said "Good". Whoa. Did not expect that. Later on I apologized. They did too and very later on, I asked them again about me moving out and they said "Bad"! I said what about earlier. And I kid you not, all three said, "Well we were mad at you." So matter of fact. Those creatures I have taught so well. I was always like that with my punishments. Oh NO! My kids are growing up to be super emotionless. Those of you who knew me before know that my repressed feeling plus HIS bubbling over with repression feelings equals Serial Murderer children. I can see it now on A&E, When good kids go bad: The making of a Tween Serial Killer. I'm over it. In my fit though, I rewrote my resume and posted to ADP. Another payroll company. Under salary requirements, I posted at least $17/ hour. That way I can save for whatever I need to. I talked to Aa about 10 times today. I really like talking to her. I think it would have been ok for her to go with us to CA. She had a saddening talk with her ex today and she called me to talk about it. We both cried today. E, CONGRATS on saying NO to me! You did great and I wasn't mad...not that I would have been even if you had beat around the bush, but... In fact I was so elated you said no, I almost forgot what I asked you! Woohoo. I like the stoney post cuz I'm stoney and I thought of it myself. Chao!

To the Tune of "Swimming Swimming in the Swimming Pool"

Stoney Stoney on the Internet
My Pupils are big
My eyes are Red
On the internet

Refer
MJ
And mariJuana too

Wouldn't it be nice if there was nothing else to do?
But....

Susan Smith?

No. I would never kill them, but I really did want to hurt them bad for wasting six dollars in stamps. I hate myself for not liking my kids. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to hear their voices. I don't want to console them. I want to run away. Far away. They did nothing to deserve me. I hate me. I am the worst mom. I hate being a mom. I make no difference in their lives. They will grow up and be shitty parents too. But I can't leave them. If I did, it would be familial suicide. Who cares. My family hates me anyway too. I am so angry right now, but I can't even leave the house without three little fuckers following me in hysterics. I am freaking out. Nobody could possibly understand. Nobody. I am alone in this. What a fucking surprise. They keep talking talking talking. I want to be gone. Away. Far. Dead. Death is the only way out. The only way they would not blame themselves for the rest of their lives. I might bump my heroin usage year to 30. Be gone before anyone knows. It's all a lie anyway. This life. My life. There is no satisfaction in this life. There never will be. Every triumph destroyed before it gets to be appreciated. I hate them. I chose to ruin my own life and I blame them. They didn't ask to be born into my hell. Hell I didn't ask for it. What should I do? Does anybody know? Can anyone help me?

Never Know

Is the swelling, mounting breath-taking feeling in my gut excitement or anxiety? What a strange question to have to ask. I should know that answer, but lately the feelings have been one in the same. I wonder if it's a sixth sense feeling. (I do see dead people sometimes) Should I be looking out for signs?

I'm going to San Diego on Friday. I am going with E, J and hopefully KBl. KBl's dog is sick, so if she doesn't get better by then, KBl can't go. I could invite A, but I think I will just stick with the other two if KBl doesn't go. I will just make out alot with random people. That sounds alright, but I know the sex thing will come up and I am dreading it. (That reminds me, I touched boobs last night!! Ha!) I also almost got incarcerated. Not the smartest thing we have ever done, huh E? Unfortunately not the stupidest thing either. Anyway I am so looking forward to S.D. Beach, my girls, surfing, random hotties!!!!! I will also be really nice to J....or at least I will try! (Shoulder shrug and innocent smile.)

I have a date tomorrow or I did. I have to cancel. HE has something going on and since I am leaving on Friday night, I feel like I need to let him go. The only other thing I can think of is to go out later. I guess I will have to do that. Oh well. I will figure something out. I always do. I am going out with A who sort of scares me.She says WE alot. WE like me and her. Ummm... I guess I just need to play it by ear and see what happens. Couldn't be bad. She's really great.

Dreamgirl

I am usually a dreamer, but lately I have lost my dreams. I don't daydream as much. I don't wish anymore. Even at night, I don't dream. i wake up and feel as if I haven't slept at all. I miss my nightly prances. My dreams used to be like predictions. Now nothing. Does that mean my future is nothing? I had a dream to homestead once. I wanted to simplify my life. Live on a large piece of land, live off that land as much as possible. It's not that I don't want to do that anymore, but I no longer have a partner. Who am I kidding? HE was never my partner in that. What a beautiful life that would have been. I wanted to make it a community because I could never leave my friends behind. They would just move with me. We would have a community kitchen and dining room in the middle of the land. I would never require that we ate together all of the time. It was going to be an experiment in the notion that it takes a village to raise a child. I have even dreamed I would find that person who would have the same dream as me, but now I don't know if that will happen. I know the life I am in now is unfulfilling to my soul. I have fun, that's for damn sure, but I really get nothing out of it when the night ends. I love my friends, I really do, but is this really my life? I want love so bad it hurts. I have my kids. I shouldn't be allowed to have them. I don't deserve them. I sometimes have to dream I am somewhere else just to hug them. Sometimes I want to just squeeze them. I know this isn't normal. No mother should ever WANT to not be a mom anymore. What's the matter with me? What has changed that I can't stand my life? I am a shitty housekeeper. I let them graze all day sometimes instead of feeding them regular meals. I ignore them. I let them leave the house dirty, citing personal choice. I have to force myself to let them hug me. I dream about being somewhere else all the time. Doing something amazing, although I don't know what that amazing thing could be. Is this all I am? A non-dreamer? A mom? I should never have been allowed to have kids, just like my mom shouldn't have been able to have kids. Just so tired.

Why didn't your marriage work?

I think because I never wanted it to. He's a nice man. We had a very brief history and then a baby. Over the years we have had much financial trouble. I actually can't remember a time when we didn't have to worry about keeping the electricity on. We have never been stable emotionally or financially. We did not have a strong base to begin with and we have, over the years, built alot on our crumbly foundation. The more weight of responsibility we added, the heavier the burden of keeping things together. So why try this long, why add more to it? It's what you're supposed to do when you grow up. Get married, have children, buy a house. We did it all. My last two kids were born without love between HIM and I present in the room. Mere tolerance. They did not deserve that. I thought I could learn to love him. I tried. I wrote in a journal every day for a month something I appreciated about him. I whispered when I wanted to yell. I laughed at something in my head when he made me mad. Did I ever love him? I guess so, enough to have sex with him in the beginning. (Towards the end, it was, sadly, just habit.) Times have been difficult. Adjusting to his family was really hard for me. They have changed alot to make me feel comfortable. They try very hard. He used to try. Sometimes he still makes small efforts, but more than not, he ignors our world. We still have a world. Five if us live in it, actually three live in and rule it right now, while two of us checked out a while ago. I need to get back there. I need to be in a place of safety. They need me to reign once more. I will I tell them. I will, but I don't. I can't. I don't want to. That's what's real. Anyway. He and I are splitting. I am happy about this. But I ponder. What could I have done to make this work? What did I do to make it fall apart? I know I had so much to do with it. I know I have a mouth, I have a mean spirit when I am feeling disappointed and let down. I have said things that I wish I could have taken back. I have also learned from these mistakes. I just want to be happy. I am really distracted now. Child still awake.

Wishes are pointless

Definition of wish is as follows: to desire; long; yearn. None of these synonyms does this word justice. To wish is so much more. Whole hopes go into a wish. And yet most wishes stop at the spoken word. Wishes can't be controlled. I wish there were no pineapple in my trail mix. That's not going to change a damn thing. I wish to be happy. Well I will have to make myself that way. The whole concept of wish needs be redefined. A wish is a yearning you will do nothing about and hope it comes true. It's pointless to waste your breath or your time wishing. I will no longer have wishes. Just goals. I will use the word WISH sparingly. Do I no longer believe in magic? I don't want to be a grown up. Is there magic still left in this world? Children are growning so fast. Even my no TV or media kids are so much more street smart than I was at thier age. I have definatly helped make them that way. (I just asked B out, right now. Just thought I would document that!) I have always talked to them like gro

Woke up shitty

Smoked last night. That's a small reason why I am so emo today. I can't even stay here to type this. HE is home. Fat and sweaty. Where does the money go? HE gets cash every week, but hasn't given me any. Does HE spend all the money during the weekend? HE doesn't want to watch the kids so I can work more, but HE doesn't give me any cash. I could go to the bank but we have bills. I feel so out of control. I hate him living here. I changed my myspace name. SO EMO!!! I swear I am a teenage boy... Met a girl Thursday night. I think she likes me. We talked twice yesterday. She's pretty cool. But... I don't know. I have to stop all this thinking shit. I hate my situation. I want to run away. I really want to nap for a long time. Days, weeks, months, outside, listening to the world in nature. San Diego next weekend. Where will the money come from? I will find it somewhere. I always do. I should just sell my body. It seems to be all people are interested in. I'm going on a drive.

It's the bomber part of the jager bomber

that makes me stay up so late writing blogs in my panties and bra. (No worries, I ttok pictures to remember what a dumb ass I was.) I guess this may be the most honest you will get me. I kissed a chic tonight. It was a good kiss. She may not have been hot, but christ, e, were you one of those popular bitches i would never be freinds with in HS? I was helping a sista out. The girl was distraught. and a good kisser. Ok amybe not so honest and stupid. I just deleted my honesty. Why did you pull that shit with J? Warning honey. Don't like on the spot. As it turns out I was never friends with the cheer leaders either. Fancy that. My belly is so full of liquid that needs to come out, it's not funny. I had an awesome night. I loved my walk. Especially the part where I conversed with my dearly beloved. I will go dancing again with tranny (don't care what the Katrina...the hurricane, says,) again. She and I work well together. I mean dance. Ha. I am so tired and drunk that if the make out girl saw me, she would run. I was told I have amazing eyes. That was nice. people are nice. Despite the fucking drama, I love lesbians. Women. A was great. She smiled at me the minute I walked into the Cash. I knew she liked me. Then she followd me to E Lounge. Ha. I must be onto something. Why does having kids make me feel ashamed? Maybe it's the married part. I don't really care. There will only be one now. Only one. No matter how many I kiss. Only one. You can't judge a book by it's cover. A little fluff never hurt a cool girl. I am fucked up. Shit. When I read this in the morning will I take it down immediatly? I should, but I know I will wait til KR reads it. Girl, stop being ...de ja vou.... depressed. You will find a job in no time. We all know you are qualified for so much more that you apply. Don't worry....good thing typing doesn't slur. I am really worried about my car. I should have told the barkeep I was leaving it. Shit Miss Mary, I ain't the only one who don't got nk root. I'm a sissy. Movie line, but NOT!!!! There is a roach somewhere behind me. i hear it clicking, but my belly ois too big to move, Shit...... Signing off. I love you.

Zen and The Art of Masterbation

I used to be an avid masturbater. What happened? Sometimes I did it twice in a day. That's alot for a mom of three, by the way. Now? Two weeks ago was my last time until today's feeble attempt. I just spent an hour in my room, sans interruptions and could not get off. What the fuck? I finally did and it was a small meaningless earthquake. No aftershocks. What is happening to me? Have I lost my will to live...I mean cum? I am more active now than I was even a month ago, so what gives? Furthermore, my masturbation fantasies (word used lightly) have become a little violent. Like I have to be forced to climax. TMI, huh? I think my lack of drive has alot to do with the fact that I don't necessarily want sex right now. Not sure if I would turn it down if the right person came along, but what I really crave is touch. Simple touch. Hand holding, kissing, caressing, someone to sleep next to, intertwined legs, rhythmic sleep breathing. Pure and simple, but somehow hard to get. Why is it everyone is so interested in fucking? Yeah, it feels good, but it's over in a moment. Even if you spent the night, that's only a few hours. Did you know that simple human touch aids in digestion? Babies who aren't touched enough fail to thrive. They die. They could have a bottle and diaper change every two hours, but they still die. I won't die, but I sure feel like it sometimes. K, my not-so-baby, still sleeps with me sometimes. I love waking up next to him, til he starts playing with my hair. He's warm and snuggly and so beautiful. He smiles when he sees me. Where's his grown up equivalent, without the hair thing? I want something so simple, to be held. To wake up happy. That's not to say sex could not be involved, but not so fast. I'm not talking relationship either. Just love. Are you out there?

Posted without a title

I feel like when I have a good day my blog is shit. My writing lacks, my imagination is sleepy. By good day, I mean I almost lost it til I found a soda can and converted it into a pipe and took a 2:30 toke. That was two hours ago. I am still a little stoney and I have to go to work, which is always fun!! I talked to an old friend today and I feel very confident in my assessment of people. I choose amazing people to surround myself with. (Sometimes a bit challenging, too.) I can read most people well, even if I can't figure out the motivation behind their actions. Always one. I have laughed alot today. Yes, earlier happenings may have contributed to the giggles, but smiling and laughing are good no matter how they come about. Sometimes I wonder if I write for myself up here or for the 3 people who read this crap. I mean, am I being as honest and open as I should be, knowing my thoughts are up for judgements or questions? No. The answer is no. If I was, I would post all those "secret" blogs. No E, you can't read them. If we are going to know each other in 18 years, we will have to have something new to talk about. I am having a day where I feel like I can to anything. My life really isn't a trap, not even a road block. I can put the kids in the car and hit the road. I can move if I want to. I just have to plan a bit in advance. I have to write this down for a tomorrow when I am not feeling this way. Who knows, maybe if I always have a mid-day snack, everything would be perfect! I feel like singing. Oops, the MJ makes me think I can. Stopping this stupid blog now. Shit HE just walked in while I was blogging. Now HE's gonna search for it. Hide Hide Hide!!

RandomThoughts (of (un)kindness)

You are not my friend. I am definitely a friend to you, but you are incapable of truly letting yourself love. You will never appreciate me without judgement. This weekend you fucked up. Thursday, you broke plans to hang with some asshole. We had these plans for a month, worse than that, I actually let myself get excited about it. I was really looking forward to hanging out. Friday night, dinner. You got kicked out of your house. I understood that plans changed, but you are too self involved to call. That sucks. Saturday, once again plans made to hang out. You were going to go to the shower with me, but you backed out. We were supposed to hang at KR and L's. Instead I hung with you and A. Great! Fucking Great! That's exactly what I was envisioning for the weekend. Having to try to include myself in your fun. You suck. And your apologies are lame and half-hearted. Your excuses are numbing. We all have alot of shit going. You backing away is fine, but that's just another in the great excuse book. When I back away, you will probably not even feel it til you get hungry. You wouldn't even know. Worse than that, when you figured it out, you would just talk some "poor me" shit up to someone who cares about you, but you are just using for the time being. I would do anything for my friends, I have shown you that. But you don't deserve another ounce of my energy or love. I left today feeling more stressed out and beaten than ever before. You finally pushed me too far. I hope that falls into your plans of never letting anyone in to avoid hurt. Our conversation was a disappointment, like I knew it would be. Even if A wasn't there, you would have still had the same reaction. It's not for making jokes. I actually have feelings invested in this friendship. I really wish you could let your heart feel something. The pain of loss is not as great as the joy of love. It kills me to tell you these things. I hate when people call me out, it hurts like hell to have your weakness put into words. In the end, you have a chance to come out stronger and better for yourself. Hit me up when you are ready to put effort into this.

The Vagina Movielogs

Three Men and a Little Vagina, James and the Giant Vagina, My Own Private Vagina, Fried Green Vaginas, Stand By Vagina, Saving Private Vagina, If These Vaginas cCould Talk II, Vanilla Vagina, Top Vagina, Gone With The Vagina, A Streetcar Named Vagina, Full Vagina, Mama's Vagina, 28 Vaginas Later, Perfect Vagina, Lost at Vagina, O' Vagina Where Art Thou, Vagina and the Beast, Sound of Vagina, Little Red Vaginahood, Steele Vaginas, Princess Vagina, The Three Vaginas, Silence of The Vaginas, My Left Vagina, Vagina is Beautiful, Searching for Bobby Vagina, Million Dollar Vagina, Sisterhood of the Traveling Vagina, Boy's in the Vagina, Lady and the Vagina, Dirty Vagina, Vagina's in the Mist, Twin Vagina's, Blood Vagina, About a Vagina, The Cutting Vagina, Pretty Vagina, Analyze Vagina, Vaginadraft, The Last of thge Vagina's, Edward Vaginahands, 50 First Vaginas, The Secret of Vagina, Vagina Beauty, Robin Hood Prince of Vaginas, Bend It Like Vagina, You've Got Vagina, Old Vagina, Vagina Actually, Sleepless in Vagina, Sleeping With the Vagina, The Dark Vagina, Bridgett Jones Vagina, Up in Vagina, friday After Vagina, Where the Red Vaguna Grows, To Kill a Mockingvagina, The Devil Wears Vagina, children of the Vagina, The General's Vagina, Miracle on Vagina Street, St Elmo's Vagina, The Story of Vagina, Me Myself and Vagina, Being Vagina Malkovich, What's Eating Gilbert Vagina, Dazed and Vagina, Vagina Tines at Ridgemont High, Vagina's Just Want tio Have Fun, Vagina's Dont Cry, When Harry Met Vagina, Mad Vagina, Passion of the Vagina, What the Vagina Do we Know, Pink Vagina's, Save the Last Vagina, Band of Vagina's, Vagina Off, Saving Vagina, City of Lost Vagina, Back to the Vagina, War of the Vaginas, Vagina Balls, Bill and Ted's Vagina Adventure, Vagina of Fire, Vagina's Gone Wild, The Little Vagina, Pete's Vagina, Vagina Pan, vagina Immpossible, from the Halls of Vagina, Good Vagina Hunting, Big Vagina, Willy Wonka and The Vagina Factory, Farenheit Vagina, Secrets of the Ya Ya Vaginahood, Poisen Vagina, The Truth About Cats and Vaginas, Vagina Bites, A Clockwork Vagina, A Vagina To Remember, Benny and Vagina, Sweet Vagina, I Know What You Did Last Vagina, Thanks foir Vagina, Dances With Vagina, Fun With Dick and Vagina, Bone Vagina, Meet the Vaginas, Encino Vagina, Enter the Vagina, Karate Vagina, Crouching Tiger Hidden Vagina, 200 Vaginas, Home Vagina, Vagina's Take Manhattan, Fear and Loathing in Vagina, The Lawnmower Vagina, Vagina Man, Last Vigina, Not Another Scary Vagina, Charlie's Vaginas, 10 Things I Hate About About Vagina, How To Lose a Vagina in 10 Days, Vagina Diaries, Like Water for Vagina, Dude Where's my Vagina?, Gone in 60 Vaginas, The Fast and The Vagina, Breakfast At Vaginas, What Vagina's May Come, Forest vagina, 8 Vagina, The Longest Vagina, Feild of Vaginas, Mrs. Vaginafire, Vagina Starter, A Vagina Runs Through It, The Color Vagina, Paint your Vagina, Vagina on the Roof, The Vaginacracker, Blue Vagina, Are We Vagina Yet?, Major Vagina, Schindler's Vagina, Road Vagina, National Lampoon's Vagina, An Officer and a Vagina, Saturday Night Vagina, Full Metal Vagina, Varsity Vagina, Mystic Vagina, Final Vagina, Vagina Effect, Vagina Park, Midnight in The Vagina of Good and Evil, Pet vagina, Honey I Shrunk The Vagina, Life is Vagina, Walk the Vagina, Vagina's World, Vaginas 11, Vagina Hard, Notes on a Vagina, Murder by Vagina, Murder on the Vagina Express, 2001 Vagina Oddessy, Vagina Spray, 40 Year Old Vagina (Ha Ha! This one's special for E), Knocked Vagina, Vagina Liar, There's Something About Vagina, Happy Vagina, The Other Vagina, Natural Born Vagina, Vagina I Am, Vagina and Whale, Pulp Vagina, Flash Vagina, Scent of A Vagina, Vagina House Rules, An American Vagina in Paris, Vagina Under the Stairs, Toy Vaginas, A Vagina Story, Vagina and Juliet, A Perfect Vagina, Vagina Strikes Back, The Vagina The Witch and the Wardrobe, Vagina Records, Brokeback Vagina, Vagina Mountain, Better Than Vagina, Vagina Matters, Cool Vaginas, The Mighty Vaginas, Mt Vaginamoore, Mr. Hollands Vagina, American Vagina X, Tale of Two Vaginas, Leaving Las Vagina, The Vagina Next Door, Tales From the Vagina, The Vagina's Advocate, Punch Drunk Vagina, The Sword and the Vagina, Brewsters Vaginas, Battle of the Vagina, Vaginajuice, Adventures in Vaginasitting, Vagina Finger, Legends of the Vagina, Planes Trains and Vaginas, Drop Dead Vagina, First Vagina's Club, Singing in the Vagina, It's a Wonderful Vagina, The Invisible Vagina, Dick Vagina, The Sweetest Vagina, Stranger Than Vagina, Wild Wild Vagina, Vaginas From The Egde, Inspector Vagina, House of 1000 Vaginas, Yellow Vagina, Smoking Vagina, West Side Vagina, Vagina and Vagina-er, Vagina Games, Air Firce Vagina, Raiders of the Lost Vagina, Vagina Movie, Vagina Hanger, The Vagina Luck Club, A Million Little Vaginas, Frankenvagina, Night of the Living Vagina, Where the Vagina Is, Streets of Vagina, Enemy of the Vagina, Late for Vagina, Vaginas on the Side, Riding in Cars With Vaginas, Maria Full of Vagina, Serial Vagina, Little Shop of Vaginas, But I'm a Vagina, Vaginabusters, Tthe Pursuit of Vaginas, Oncfe Upon a Time in Vagina, Spy Vaginas, Vagina Girls, Best in Vagina, Laura Croft Vagina Raider, Rocky Horror Vagina Show, So I Married a Vagina Murderer, The Last Vagina, Vagina Floats, Vagina City, Harry Vagina and the Sorcerer's Stone, The Little Vagina That Could, Vagina House Rocks, A Vagina Apart, The Vagina's of Beverly Hills, Close Encounters of the Vagina Kind, The Ususal Vaginas, Cecil B Vagina, Resivour Vaginas, the Land Before Vagina, Life Vagina, A Vagina Less Ordinary, Vagina Disturbence, Cape Vagina, Vagina Rowanda, The Day After Vagina, Finding Vagina, The Last Vagina, Hand That Rocks The Vagina, Pretty In Vagina, 16 Vaginas, Farewell My Vagina, Memoirs of a Vagina, Sweet Home Vagina, Vagina Weaver, Night at the Vagina, A Mid-Summer Night's Vagina, Thelma and Vagina, The Sound of Vagina, The Last Vagina Scout, Mi Vida Vagina, Beverly Hills Vagina......

One Stoney Night......

I could come out of this PE#1

I could blame the alcohol. Or the MJ. S really likes this girl or wants her. I probably should have not let her advance. But the attention feels good. Especially when the object of my attention is busy. Haha!! You my nummer one fren. I luv you long time!!! But if I keep on this path, I could make enemies everywhere I go. I am definitely more interested in making friends with S than fucking B. Although, her stomach was so tight...and soft. Ahhh.... back on track. I know this community is very small and I don't want to rock the boat. I have never had so much drama in my life. Since March, it has been rumors and hurt feelings and cry cry cry. She said she said bullshit. All the time. I wonder if anyone has really studied the reasons behind lesbianism. I get it that some girls are just born to love fa-ji-ta, but others turn to it. (Throat clearing) Is there an emotional imbalance? A need to be in chaos? If so, I fit in perfectly. Great. I have found a home. I'm no longer an orphan! Thank you Mommy Warbucks!!

Last night was the fourth of July. I am pretty sure we went up to the mountain to see fireworks, but I don't remember many. I got a head massage and a back massage. I licked and got licked. I earned a nickname and lived up to another. I handled E's butthurtedness. Got stoned and missed out on getting restoned. Smalking, Smitting, and Smimming. Turned down a boy, turned down a boy, turned down a boy. You left me with a strange boy, jackass. Well I'm over it. Ha!

I love my friends. I love you all!! I don't do well with being an enemy, so S, I am sorry. I really didn't mean any harm, but I was perfectly aware of your intention and I ignored them for my own benefit. I suck. I have guilt. Will you still dance with me?

I think the heat is making me delirious. <3<3<3<3

So much

The divorce thing is on hold. Why? I am too lazy. I know it's the right decision. I just can't get my ass in gear. The A/C broke yesterday, oh yeah, this whole week we are under heat advisories. It only about 98 in the house. No problem. I called HIM to tell HIM it was broken and he said, *oh*. Typical. Really. I'll take care of it. With all three kids in tow, I will learn how to fix an AC unit. It was so goddamn hot in the house last night that I slept on the trampoline. My back is killing me. I need to buy a cot or something. HE got a credit card. Such a bad idea. HE doesn't even pay HIS student loans and now HE wants to add more debt on. Idiot. I mean really. HE's 31, HE should get money management by now. I would think. You don't have it, you shouldn't spend it. Will it come to bite me in the ass later? I plan to keep only my debt. I have two credit cards, very low balances, but I don't want anymore. HE can have HIS credit card and student loan debt. Anyway. I don't like thinking about HIM, it puts me in a bad mood. I want to be done already. Move on. I can't wait, but apparently I can.

Item number two. The sex life seems to be heating up. But do I want it to? Met a girls Saturday night. Made out with her all night on and off. Met another girl Saturday night. She was quiet and nice and I thought she liked me, but she keeps texting E. Huh, oh well. The first girl is horny and up front about it. I could have sex with her immediately. (See previous post)

Too hot to continue. I am falling asleep. Could be the heat, could be the vodka. Going to nap now.

Why can't I just FUCK?

I could have her. Or rather let her have her way with me. Tonight, tomorrow, whenever, really. But when I get close, and I have been very close, I can't do it. Is it morals? Fear? Maybe I just don't really like her that way. I like her attention, I admit it. I like that she thinks I'm hot. I even like that E doesn't like her, but she is so withholding. I can't get her to reveal anything. Is that the trick to casual sex? The less you know about the other person, the less of an attachment after sex. But I have a hard time getting off without attraction. What's wrong with me? I could have made a move on L last Thursday, but I didn't. My excuse was E was right there. But apparently, that was not the excuse Saturday night. I was shitty that night. I was selfish. Who gets that way in front of their friends? Never before and hopefully not after. That was so rude and kinda funny that it was me. I kept laughing because her line was classic. "We have nothing in common, but I think you're hot and I want to make out with you." And I did. Anyway, I thwarted her strong advances in the car, in the bathroom, at her house. I feel like I should just do it, for two reasons. Experience and (maybe a little) to get her gone. She's a nice girl, but she's right, we really are opposites. Then there's E. She keeps telling me NO. I have my own mind, but she has more experience than me. It's kinda like a first job. You take what you can get, to gain experience, then each job, you are better paid and happier. (Ha ha, I already hear the hooker jokes!) So fuck it.....right? My mind is jumbled. No real answer. No good advice. Maybe I will go to her party tonight for a while. Maybe I'll get fucked.

Fam Damnily

So I have removed myself from my maternal family.It really bothers me. Not because I miss them. They are assholes. Always waiting for me to fuck up. I am outing my family in this blog, telling those secrets that were never supposed to be common knowledge. Swept under the rug. Maybe that's what the problem is, my sister EM and I got pregnant before we married, the outcome is OUT, you can see it. Is that the difference? My cousins, who did much worse things than us, were treated like perfect princesses. At least two were arrested for big things, one for smuggling drugs across the Mexico/US border (she also had a baby before marriage) and the other for felony shoplifting. They all drank like fishes in high school and had mucho sex. I didn't do any of these things and yet I am the one singled out. I was reamed when I chose to be vegetarian. What the hell? Anyway, the last straw was a trip to Mexico, a funeral and the aftermath. EM and her friends went to MX for three day, I thought it would be fun to drop in on their party. E, A and I got there Saturday mid morning and left Sunday night. The house was left clean, money was left in the jar, nothing broken, nothing lost. The way we got it. A week later, Uncle B dies. About a month before this, UB came to me in an early morning dream and let me know he was sick and going to die. My mom called later that day and I told her I already knew. It was like I had made peace with my uncle. So he dies and I have plans to go out the Thursday of his viewing. I don't need to see his corpse. I get up super early for the funeral, drive to Tucson to attend. My bitch of a mother sat next to my dad's sister at the funeral ,but wouldn't make room for my dad. He had to sit alone. I went and made a small scene about sitting with him. Hung at my Aunt B's and visit with family. Most of the fam is outside in 100plus heat. No thank you. I stayed inside and talked very briefly to the people around who came in and out. Then I left. I had a silent auction to run at 4. Got home, had a fun night. Woke up and was hanging with E when, duhn duhn duhn, my cell phone rings, DWYER shows on the screen. "Shit, this can't be good." I said to E. "Um Hello?" It's Aunt B calling to give me a new asshole. Did I have fun In Mex? Were there any problems? Cuz usually people call her and tell her if there are problems. No problem I say. Well in that case, as far as she is concerned I can rent next time I'm down there. Eek, alrighty then. Phew, is that it? Not quite sista. "Now is there anything you need to say to me?" Strained voice, angry, angry. Not that I can think of. "Something that you could say to your cousins, so appalling, in my house, they felt they had to come and tell me right away?" (That's not exactly what she said, but pretty close.) Holy fuck, what could I have said and when? I was high at the funeral, but not the reception. Definitely not stoned then. At the grave site to the car, I said something to my dad about not wanting to be around the fam that much, cuz their version of giving a shit, is gossip. So that was it, a private conversation, on the way to my car, was overheard by my cousin and relayed to my Aunt as being had at the house. So my Aunt asks me "Why did you even bother coming?" How the hell do I answer that. Obligation brought me there? Once again, what the hell? Then as if that wasn't enough, she tells me "No one cares about you, yesterday was about Uncle B." Well then. I get it. So the aftermath, EM, who's trip to MX is was in the first place, does not even get one word spoken to her about not calling or about not attending the funeral. So, I enrolled in school, got a phat grant and am moving on with my life. Just without them. I will also be bridging the gap my mother made between me and my dad's family. All holidays were spent with mother's family, then dad's secondary. I know my cousins on m's side soooo much better, but I will try to fix that. I'm sorry dad that you have had to live with this shit for so long. Sever now. They're not worth the trouble.

Are We There Yet?

More precisely, am I there yet? No. I can't even see the end. Will I ever love myself enough to allow anyone else to love me? Am I just waiting out this life alone until I die? I hate this life. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to be, how to be. I think of me in so many different scenarios, but none fit. I want so badly to find my place in this world. I want to be important, a contributor. As it is I am a big lump. I am a nobody. I don't have a job, much less a career path. I don't have anyone to share my deepest thoughts and dorkiness with. I want to be held and I want to want to hold that person back. I want to die. (No suicide watch please, not gonna do anything to myself.) I just can't continue like this. LOST. I turn one way and I get trapped in a spider web. I get out of that sticky situation only to find myself knee deep in quicksand, sinking sinking sinking. Someone may cross my path, pull me out and lead me to a sunny pasture, but it always rains. Each triumph is followed by a tragedy. How can I look back and wish I didn't take a certain path when I could never possibly know where a different path may have led me? It could be worse. Or maybe better. There are so many things in this life I am grateful for not knowing first hand. For the most part, my friends are also life's refugees. Setting up camp in the darkest part of the forest, wondering why they can't see ahead. Sometimes they are looking backwards, trying to get out the way they came in. Some are just giving up and dying. Some are hoping that the dark is light, so much that they believe they are ok. Some are just running in circles, hiding behind trees or setting camp up in a different place every night. Some don't even need camp because they can't sleep, can't sit still. I wander between all these people and wonder where I fit in. We all see that pasture sometimes, but we rarely see each other in the light at the same time. We rejoice when someone makes it out, but cheer more loudly when they are back in with us. Safety in numbers. The crazy's stick together. I am in the middle, I am at the bottom, I HOPE. Now how do get to happiness? How do I get There?

I'm Proud of You

I have realized with some terrifying observations, that I reveal too much of myself all the time. I talk alot. Anytime something happens to me, even around me, I have to tell someone. So what gives? I have been observing myself, as I mentioned above and I I think I know why I do this. I want someone to feel proud of me. My mom never did, never does. More and more I have come to see this. (I'm having major mom issues right now.) I remember once wanting to tell my mom about a good grade and I walked out back and caught her smoking pot. Instead of being able to tell her, she yelled at me to go back inside. Later, she asked what it was I needed and she said, Oh That's Good. To me, it was better than good. If it was just good, I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of potential let down; which is what I mostly got. I know she is not proud of me because I struggle with this very issue with my boys. And because I am aware of it, I overcompensate sometimes. My parents were less than proud when I go prego with A1. I realize that they were disappointed, but I seemed to have things together. An apartment, a savings account, a job with health benefits, the boy was staying with me. (You know what they say about hindsight.) My point is that, although, I was young and dumb, I made a grown up decision and had a little back-up. Maybe they didn't have to be proud right at that moment, but after I had A1 and I didn't go on welfare or drugs... Maybe pride isn't the word I am seeking. Acceptance. That's easier, right Mom? I guess not to her. I am not going to tell my parents about me going back to school. I figure, they will find out when I send out graduation invites. If I tell my dad, he has a knowledge that my mom doesn't, then she finds out, then finds out that he knew first and my dad's in the doghouse...again. See my mom has never really accepted my dad either. You know, she has never accepted anyone. I know it's not just me... Anyway, if I tell my mom, she tells my aunts and uncles, who tell my cousins and somehow, their lack of acceptance oozes it's way back to me and I am left wondering what I did wrong. I know that not much of this makes sense to a reader, but my internal dialogue and I get it. My point is, I need to be accepted for who I am. I don't get that from the one unit I should, so I seek it out. Please listen to me, take interest, maybe be proud to be my friend. Now to correct this in my parenting. I could gush, but that's not real. I could brag, but nobody likes that. I actually don't know the first thing about being proud of my babies. I am much more accepting of people who live outside the box than my mom ever was. But what about those differences that I find challenging. Like A1, is the slowest mother fucker I know. Seriously, nobody is slower. I can say I hate it! Everything take 5 times longer, like getting out of the car today. He had no shoes on. He knew we were going to get out of the car. And yet the three of us waited in the heat for him to get his damn shoes on. Or he has to finish a chapter or a story in those fucking highlights mags. I want to really believe that he is retarded so I can peg a reason for his slowness. "This is my oldest, A1, (whisper) He's retarded. We're working on getting his shoes on before we leave the house.." Why can't I accept that he is a slow mother fucker and actually plan for his need for extra time. He could be a series of periods after a sentence, a llllllloooooooonnnnnnnnggggg pause. I turn off the car, K and A2 open the door, I step out into the 100 degree heat. I turn to A1.........................................................he gets out of the car and shuts the door. We are on our way. Does he need the attention? This is not a new scenario, it did not just start because of the domestic turmoil. So feedback on this blog would be good. If A1 told me he was gay or, God forbid, wanted to join the military, I could accept that. But if he leaves the house again to go on a swimming play date and it dawns on him a half hour later that he didn't bring his trunks, I might kill him. I never wanted to be anything like my mom. I hate her parenting, so much that I almost hate her for it. I hate the way she raised me and taught me to raise my own. I have changed so much, but something as simple as acceptance is too much for me to change. Why?

She didn't really mean it, but she may have a point

The kids are home. They don't miss a beat. It's been loud, messy, stressful and, admittedly, funny at times. The three nights before they got home, I partied like a rock star. Drink, drank DRUNK. I was sober Friday night...until we got back to E's. Our annual Bunco for Boobs and Silent Auction was held on Friday. It was nothing like last year. This year barely anyone showed or spent. It was very disappointing. E was a little down after the auction, so I did what any friend would do, I took her dancing!! We had a really good time, I was even sober. On the way home we listened to sad music and talked and listened. When we got back to her house, she said something so sad. She said she would rather have never known true happiness and lived her life naive, than to feel the pain after the happy. The next morning, I asked her if she meant it, she said no, but I know part of me wishes it everyday. Why does there always have to be an opposite? Does anybody know happiness without pain? Does anybody know neither?

The rest of the weekend was fun. With a few exceptions. My Aunt B called and ripped me a new one. Various reasons, none of which I argued, but I had valid arguments. She will think what she wants and I give up caring. I am done with my mom's side of the family. In fact, I may be done with my mom. Hate is a strong word, so I choose the next word down from that. I knew there was a huge reason I choose amazing people as friends. They are my family, not those I was born into.

Went dancing Saturday night again. I got to drink this time. E blamed me for some of her pain. I feel like an asshole. What I said was true and from the heart, but some part of me thinks that she thinks I am trying to sabotage her. I know you read this, so let it be known that I am definitely not.

Hung with the kids on Sunday. That night I called HIM over to watch the kids while I grocery shopped. I got home and HE stayed... I am sick thinking about it. HE's moved HIMself back in. I am not sure if I move out what rights I am giving up. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I feel like a crazy person. Not breathing, crying, sobbing, frantically filling in holes in the backyard, doing laundry, moving HIS shit out of my room. I don't know if I can handle all of this. I think I may have to be committed soon. I am really alone in this. There are wonderful people around me, but nobody can do what I need to do. My world is in chaos and I can't get it orderly.

Where would I be now, if I had not allowed myself that brief and lustful happiness ten years ago?

Do you ever wish?

I wish I could melt into my favorite songs. Like I was the person who wrote the song or who it was written for. To have feelings so strong that they were worth writing songs about. I always wanted to write a blog of all song lyrics. I always add song lyrics to my posts, but sometimes they are too subtle or obscure to notice. I have been listening to alot of music lately. New songs, old favorites. It's funny how a song can bring up crazy memories or a new song can remind you of someone, someplace or sometime. "Blister in the Sun"-Violent Femmes, Kallee, Laura and me all in the front seat of Kal's dodge car with no shocks or struts. Bouncing along with a cooler full of soda in the trunk. Never without Dr. Pepper. That summer gas was 99 cents at the AM/PM. We filled up everyday and cruised around Mill every night. Java Road, Descendants God, break dancing on the corner where the PF Changs is now. "Bus to Beelzebub"-Soul Coughing, Brian, Kim, Linz, late nights, watching the sun rise, eating Taco Bell at 430 in the morning. Cruising Mesa, sitting on the window sill of Brians blue car, no shirt, just a bra after a monsoon storm. My first drag of a cigarette. Remember that, Brian? I almost fell off the car, or maybe I did. "Destination Course"-Spaceman Spiff, Mark, Kallee, Laura, AnnMarie, Lil' Kim, first show at the Nile, upstairs. Then later in the basement. "Tapin' up my Heart"- Mr. T Experience, Linz and I went to the coffee shop in downtown Mesa to meet before classes at MCC. Linz, remember TOM? Cute glasses boy. Bought my vintage record player at that coffee shop. Kathryn, remember that Piebald show and hanging at your house afterwards? Coloring books and crayons. "Lovefool"-the Cardigans. Meet and greet at Gibsons sponsored by Joe Trevino and Sony music. Hanging out with Nina, talking about their guest appearance on 90210. (Oh, the 9-er.....) Promise Ring, Mineral, 764-Hero, the beginning of Emo. Shows every night. The First Warp Tour at Desert Sky, 4th of July '96. Moshing, skanking, dancing, smuggling food in, saying I was diabetic. Skinny dipping afterwards til the sun rose. Jimmy Eat World playing free shows at the Nile. Westen, Lifetime, Safehouse, Pauls ex Kendra wanted to kick my ass, my grrls had my back. <3 Linz, Megan, Kim. Pharcyde and Souls of Mischief, my first hip hop show with Rob. My love of electronica started after the Prom when we went to that rave. My mom never found out. "I Cross My Heart"-George Strait, the only song I danced to at Prom. We looked good!! "Everything Sucks Today"-Descendants, night Ryan and I hooked up. 6 months later......."Pumpkin Eyes"-Silver Scooter, the test comes out positive and my life is upside down. "Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset"-Modest Mouse, 1998, Boston's with Melissa C, 8 months along, videotaping the massive amount of drugs coming out of Isaac Brock's deep pockets. "You Gave Your Love to Me Softly"-Weezer, wedding song. Lake Powell, 1999, blizzard, cold feet and cold feet (no typo) wrinkled shirt, smoking weed with my mom for the first and LAST time. During the last 9 years, I have been living in the past. Listening to old music. Wishing I was back there. Not realizing the memories I could have been making. "The Sweet Escape"-Gwen Stafani, the Cash Inn, my first Lesbian bar experience with Erin, trying to two step and line dance. I have two left feet. Ha! "Smack That"-Akon, El Dorado Hot Springs, Dixie, we weren't supposed to talk. It was supposed to be a totally introverted experience. Oh, well, we tried. Drove home from there in our bras. "Want To"-Sugarland, seriously too many memories to mention. Dixie, Erin, Justin. "I Can't Take It"- Lola, road trip to Powell with KimB. Dry Beaver Creek, spirit totems at mile marker 444, dreams and revelations. How many times did we listen to this? There are so many more music memories. I am trying to live in the present. The past was yesterday and it has made me who I am today. "You fall apart again, and you can find a friend. Don't turn to someone else, cuz they won't understand. Don't wanna hear you say that you miss yesterday, if you don't like what you see, that means nothing to me.." New experiences, new friends, old friends, memories. Maybe they were all written for me alone.

Making Decisions

So many things to decide. HE wants to move back in. I will have to leave if he does. I have lined up a place to live and the people are really great. I would have to leave my kids at home. I would drive home everyday to be with them, then leave at night. I would have to work almost every night. I have so much coming out right now I can't even type. Today is a good day. I am really weepy, but I am alone and have few plans. I'm going to see a sad movie later. I am going alone. I need to be alone, I guess. Really tho, what are my need vs my wants? I have so many plans this week. And none of them really have anything to do with what needs to be done. Alot of drinking involved. I am working my lame 4 hours tonight. There's always happy hour at Applebees after in case I need to get my drink on. My great Uncle Bud died on Saturday night. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I did have a dream a month ago that he would die, so I actually made peace then. The day of the dream, my mom called and told me that he was very sick and I already knew. So he's dead and I HAVE to go to the funeral. If I don't, and it should be my choice, but it's not, I will be even more shunned from the family. It will be very umcomfortable. I hate funerals. Let it be known that I do not want a funeral. I want all of my friends and family to take road trips to my favorite places and dump my ashes. No memorial service, NO fucking funeral or burial. Say goodbye in your own way, not some psuedo-traditional way. Anyway, I have to go to Tucson for this shit. Be supportive to a family who does not support me. Last week my sis K went to a party at my Aunt B's and they all asked her about me. Not one of those mother fuckers has bothered to pick up the phone and ask me. Fuck them. Then I am the asshole when I say that to them. So keep my mouth shut, or confront. Just another decision. So I keep thinking me living on my own will be good for me. But what about the kids? They are on a roadtrip right now with the inlaws. I don't really miss them. I am having fun. I know tho that it will get old after a while, right? I am afraid it won't. That I will be one of those mom's who doesn't live with her kids because she doesn't want to. I love my boys. I can't even deal with my thoughts for a blog. That's sad. I also need to get a better job, or promote, but I don't want to work at Target much longer. I should go back to school to make something of myself. But who's to say I haven't. I'm getting hot. This is getting stupid. Once again, I don't want to deal, so I am taking a shower and pretending like my life is great.

WWIII

Long day Friday. Supposed to dance with KR, but we both decided cancel would be better. Get home around 11. Gotta be up at 430am. Road trip in the morning. Clean sheets. Pack. Go to bed. Something on my head. Stray hair on my arm. What the fuck? Roach jumping from my arm to my bed. Running around and around. On my pillow. Under my sheets. On the headboard. Whap!! Fucking bastard, DIE!! Near miss, got it's hind. Runs behind my bed. Shaking and breathing hard. Holy fucking shit, what is flying at my head? It's a moth, it's a duck....it's the roach, coming in for the kill. Kamikaze stylie. I duck. It misses. Lands in the bathroom for refuel. My Flip Flop Fleet is already engaged. Bombs away. So long sucker. Still shaking. HE calls. Talking Talking Talking. Some story about a friend who fucked a local rock star in my bed 8 years ago. Holy shit, rebirth. On the door. No it's still on the bathroom floor. Another? God no!! It prepares to take flight, but my FFF is on it. Bam.Bam.Bam. Falls to the ground and before it can be taken hostage, it flees. Jesus Christ, there is a third.....and a forth. HE is still on the phone. Get the Raid HE says, you deserve this for kicking me out HE says, no one will help you now HE says. Hang up. I don't need this. Hysteria. Short breath, crying, shaking uncontrollable, pacing in small well lit square in living room. Call D. She will save me. Just keep me company while I wait out the attack. They must give up sometime. Surrender mutha fuckers, I yell. K, my sis, comes home. She has to pee. Don't go in there I yell. What the hell is in there, what did you do? Why are you hysterical? Roaches. A whole platoon. They sent one on recon and I killed it and they all came to kill me. She pees upstairs. D insists on talking to K. D wakes V. He's on his way. She's on hers. K reassures D that the pilot that started the attack was GINORMOUS!! Back up is on it's way. In the meantime, K and I are gearing up for the fight of our lives. There's one. Thwack!! The one I raided is twitching in the sink. Three down. Twelve to go. Fresh troops. V arrives. He's armed....with a candy cane? Well, moral support then. D walks in. Business casual in her jammies, killing machine flip flops and no bra. The hunt begins. By 2 a.m., the battle is over. Nine of their men were lost in battle. Three of ours lost sleep, but thank goddess, we walk away with our lives. K in bed. V and D go home. I try to sleep, but I now I suffer from PTSD. The battle is over, but the war is just beginning. Look out world. A sewer by you could be bombed at any time. Plug your sinks and tubs, close your outside doors, buy a cat (get it fixed), and arm yourself with bug killer. IT'S ON!!

What A Long Strange Trip

Holy Moley. I am stressing hard core right now. I'm at my folks house. Brought a friend with me. I was supposed to have this fucking fantastic weekend wakeboarding, but instead, I am wishing I was home. I guess I will start with last night, although this week deserves some props. I had no kids all week. I took care of four, yes four, sick people. I am really sick of sick people. I guess I am going to start on Monday even though it's Saturday night. E, A and I got back from Mexico around 2 am Monday morning. I actually can't remember Monday. I feel like I have lived lifetimes since then. Tuesday, I hung out with E almost all day. That night, we went to a Mercury game. I was wasted. What's new these days, huh? Anyway, I had a great time. I met some new people. One, I seem to be thinking about. I can't think about getting to know someone now. I am trying to know myself. I am really self conscious about all my baggage. It seems that I will get to know someone and they will find out about my situation and it will all be worthless. Besides, I don't need anyone in my life right now. That person would probably get sick too and I would have to take care of them. I am not resentful, ya'll, but a fourth person just got sick on me today and I just want everyone to be well. Back to tues. During the game, J texted me and basically told me to Fuck Off cuz i was already drunk when we were supposed to go get a drink together. Haven't talked to him since. Probably won't again. After the game, we thought about going out dancing, but the two I was with didn't want to and I was too drunk to go alone, cuz I shouldn't have been driving. So no dancing for me! On the way home, I laid some verbal vomit all over E. I told her alot of what was on my mind and it felt good. Later I was worried that she felt burdened. She did, but hopefully not anymore. I stayed up pretty late. Wed I woke up, found a wakeboard on Craigslist. Drove to fucking Queen Creek to buy it. On my way, HE called to offer me a job at HIS work for cash. I accepted, but after I found out that HE offered it to H first. Holy hell, H? Are you invading everywhere? Don't worry sista, I don't blame you. It just gets crazier for you. I work for HIM. After I leave, I go to E's and take her to the doctor. She is still swollen and generally shitty. After we get back from the doc, we hang out. Then A, her "not-girl", comes over and E jumps from one sym-pathetic to another. D called and wanted to go dancing...early, like 7. Nobody goes out that early, I tell her. She accuses me of blowing her off for E. Not even. E has A now, I have been replaced. Ha ha. I go home and D says she's on her way. By this time, its late. She gets there and she's fucking sick. Puking!!!!!! And she still wants to go out. The vibe sucks in the car. V is trying to be comforting. I am wanting to jump from the car. She eats, feels a little better. We go to Cash. I am trashed...again. Had another anyway tho. It's poker night there, so no dancing. Nice atmosphere tho. Moving on to Glam. Not a good scene. Moving again to BS West. What the hell, I'll have another. I danced my ass off. D joined a gay football league. That was funny. I was a third wheel again. That sucked, luckily, I was too drunk to really notice. We left pretty early cuz D got sick again. I was supposed to be at HIS work the next morning at 10. As you can imagine, I overslept. I called and said I was gonna be late. He gave me shit, so I decided I would earn his shit. I stopped at Mama Java's and J was there. I ended up talking to her for another hour. She told me to get a lawyer fast. She and I are very similar. It's like talking to myself sometimes. Anyway, that talk was really good. I was an hour and a half late for work. Ha ha. Thursday night I got my tongue re-pierced. Love it. Then I went to the Vine for a drink and dinner with HIM and my sis. C called and said she was so sick she couldn't move. I brought her crackers and vitawater and sat with her til she fell asleep. I went home, so ready for bed, then came 1:30am text from HIM asking me to text HIM that everything would be OK. I called instead. Big fucking mistake. We got in a huge fight. He kept on insinuating that I was a bad mother. That I put my "new lifestyle" ahead of my boys. I told HIM that I was getting a lawyer. There was an underlying reason why he was shitty tho. He has a crush on a girl. NO FUCKING WAY GUESS WHO? That's right H. Mutha Fucking H. Holy hell. First E then HIM. Wow. Well, I guess he can move on. I'm over it. He made an ass of himself I guess over text and so I spent the night on the phone with HIM. Til 4 am. I had to be up at 7 to get Ki to the doc at 75th Ave and Deer Valley. I'm up, I get her there and we hang all day. D calls freaking about the auction. Ki and I spent the afternoon looking at chics on myspace. She likes the more femme ones and I like them more boi. It was fun. She really let me in on a lot. I had no idea that she was so lesbian at heart. It was a real eye opener. Anyway I left there. Went to D's. Put on make-up all by myself. Usually my sis does it. I was supposed to go out with KR, but we mutually cancelled. I had a secret agenda and lost my guts. I wanted to go clubbing and hunting for the girl I met the other night. But it was not to be as I needed to be up at 430am to drive to Page to wakeboard all weekend. Which brings us to present day....I think. I have really lost track. Picked up Ki at 5am. On the road. Got here at 1030. Trip was really fun. We took a bunch of pics. When we got here, the house was tense as hell. My other sis was an argumentative bitch. My mom...well she was just herself. My dad and her fought all day. Put me down at lunch for letting baby K paint his face in drag. Ki was really mad and called them fuckers over text. Finally we are going out to the lake. I can't wait to get into the water. I am gonna pick it up quick and run with it. I should be pro by next year.... well I can dream. We waited in the sun for 30 minutes and Dad didn't show up with the boat. Turns out the brakes locked on the trailer. No wakeboarding for me. Ki is sick. She probably won't even go with us in the a.m. The trailer is fixed. I am really tired. I am also embarrassed about the fam. I just want to be home. Luckily, home seems to be text away. Thanks KR. Tomorrow we have a whole itinerary planned for the return trip. Hope at least that goes as planned. For now....