Getting Back to Me

I have been lost for a while. The last gf did a number on me and still continues to try, although I think she is genuinely oblivious to what she is doing. I have moved on and I am seeing someone else. After being on the other's roller coaster, this relationship almost seems to be lacking something. Oh yes, drama and mystery, not the good, sexy kind either. I think I can live without that. She is good to me and my kids. She helps with chores and other household responsibilities. She loves camping, is a vegetarian, loves gardening and generally being dirty. She also wants her own peice of land to homestead on. She's a is very earth-based in her choices. She rides a motorcycle, so she's HOT! She has a great sense of style and she knows herself. Her name on here shall be TK. TK and I have been friends since December and only recently, six weeks today, started dating. There was always a strong attraction, but she was dating my friend and I the other girl. And after my break-up, I had to find myself again. (I realize now that the girl is definitly not the girl I was meant to be with. She is a super girl, but not for me. I don't really want to talk about her anymore.)


TK and I started hanging out during my last week of finals. She helped me write the impossible logic paper by making me dinner and reminding me to breath periodically. Up until then. i just considered her a friend, but that night I started to consider her. I was so anti-dating that she hadn't occurred to me before. I really battled my feelings for her because I still loved the last one. I let her spend the night here that night, but I didn't let anything happen. After a few more nights of studying and dinner, I finally relented and I kissed her. Was so nice and so different. She is so sensual, I love the way her body moves. She is also very strong, in body and mind. She can hold me.

I had given up on the dream of finding someone who was enough like me that we could be harmonious, but different enough to keep us both interested. She is very smart, has a degree in forensic psychology, but doesn't work in the field right now because she got burnt out. She understands that happiness is not money and stuff. We have these amazing conversations for hours about politics, activism, current events and everything in between. She doesn't just roll over for my wants, nor does she expect me always give into her. Camping with TK was just as I had hoped. She and I have different camping strengths and we work well together without much verbal communication.

As an aside, when we went camping, I tried to do everything myself because that is what I am used to and she had to keep reminding me that she was capable and likewise. She is very independent and has also never been with someone who complimented her like I do.

Back to getting back to me, I can be me when I am with her. I don't have to be made up all the time. I don't feel ashamed of my lack of labels on my clothes. I can wear a dress when I want and not be judged. (I rarely wear a dress outside the house, but I do like them sometimes.) I never thought being with someone could be so effortless and comfortable without being boring. I walked into my house the other day and for the first time it felt like home. I am home. I am home in her arms and out. I have started being vegan again. Today is day two. She wants to try too and with her being veggie already, it won't be a stretch. We eat home prepared dinners together almost every night. We still go out on our own and I will never lose track of my friends.

My semester begins in August and I will be really busy again, but I know that I have the support I need to have a great semester. Plus, I have already proven to myself that I can do this all on my own. I am strong and capable. (PS The picture is of her, not me.)

Day Eleven of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

when it seems like i need to give up
when it feels like my heart can’t continue to beat
when i think the miles will erase your smell from my memory
when i don’t feel your touch anymore
when you are sick and i am helpless
when you cry and i can’t dry your tears
i know we can look and see the same heavens
i know we can wish on the same stars
i know the moon pulls on your heart like she does mine
we will emerge, each, more powerful
we will realize longing and love
we will feel more, know more, be more

Life Up Til Now Summary

I’m just going to write tonight. My semester is coming to an end and it is so busy with tests, papers, papers and more papers. I am exhausted. This semester has been the toughest one I have had in 2 years. I started off the semester with a girlfriend, I end it with a person I am so in love with it is stupid. Right before my birthday, she broke up with me to take care of some things in her life. Healing from an injury, feeling out some feelings with other people, you know the regular stuff. I hope what she has found is that I am pretty fuckin great and she need not look further. (There’s so much more I need to write about her in a bit.) Schoolwork has been tough. I had a full credit semester, so I have been really busy. At least a paper per week.

Also A1 started Little League. He’s cute in his uniform and eager to be good, which I think will take him a long way. I see so much of myself in him. It’s scary. I see all the hurt for the world around, all the injustice processing in his eyes. i see how sensitive he is about how people treat him. He can only take so much before it just bursts from his little eyes. He is a very young ten. I love that about him. He’s also a very trying ten. He is super smart, but is not quite sure how to articulate all he has in his brain. One can see the wheels turning in his head non-stop. The child is always on, just like me. He stays up late at night, he cries, he reads, he talks to himself. He talks about killing himself sometimes, only when he is so mad and frustrated with himself. See, he is so scattered that he forgets to do things, bring things, or where he put things. Why would any sane and loving god give him my traits?

A2 is plugging right along. I think he feels so much, but he says so little. Like his dad. (Sigh) I am trying to rectify this. He has taken up skateboarding, but not on wheels. He uses a broken fence post. I am hoping to buy him a complete deck soon, so he can really get to business. I talked to one of the board shops and they like to sponsor the little people and want to see him on a real board. It would be so cool if he skated for a pro shop. He is still feeling out the living between two homes deal. He seems to do well, but there are transition problems. The dad likes to drop them off with cookies, slushes and crappy toys from the dollar section at Target. From all three, but less from A2, I hear how much better it is to live with dad. (Dad gives them an allowance also, something I can’t afford.) A2 has been my knight and defender throughout the last two years. At times I think he is too grown up, too fast. He is very well versed in the gay lingo and lifestyle and very accepting. He smiles so much, but when he gets mad, which is not very often, he is MAD! The injustice he feels is injustice he feels is directed towards him, unlike A1 who feels the outside worlds pain.

K baby is growing so much every day. i look at his first day of school picture and I hardly recognize the baby walking with his lunch-box. He has made so many friends and is accepting of all people. He loves me with all of his heart. When we have a fight, he is usually the first to apologize. The corners of his mouth move to a frown and the tears start flowing, “I’m sorry, Mommy.” he will cry out. It’s heartbreaking. We don’t fight often, but when we do it’s a doozy. He still wants to sleep with me every night and I want to let him. It breaks my heart when every night I have to tell him no. I do my homework in my room and he stays awake the whole time. The three of them sleep in a loft bed and it is really hard for me to get him down once he is asleep, but every once in a while I will bring him to bed once he is asleep and I am ready to shut off the lights. It’s nice sleeping next to him. He cuddles my head. He stares me awake in the mornings. He runs his fingers through my hair. He is unconditional love personified. He will be continuing Kindergarten in the fall. I am very happy with this decision, but his dad is not. He does not want to pay for aftercare anymore. I am going to try and help, but at this point, I am already struggling to pay my bills.

I have decided to continue on to the nursing program. It is something I have been interested in and I think it’s about time I settle into something for a bit so I can save up for my farm in Canada. (Going to Canada in August! I am really excited and so is she.) I compared my life with hers, an act I don’t often commit because our lives are so different. What I found were many similarities. After she recovers from her injury, she still has a long way to go to be the best in her sport. Before I was looking at it like once she recovers, she’s on top again. What I realized is that there is a lot of work in between. And then I looked at myself. I am recovering from the last ten years and have only been working at me and my independence for two years. How can I possibly expect the world so soon? I can’t. Even without a goal date, I must persevere and be calm and happy with my decisions. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle, but I will struggle with purpose.

She has been gone for a month and a week. Originally, she was to be gone for five months, now it’s looking like six. I think I will be seeing her in two weeks. When she left we were back together, but without a label. We were making love and sleeping in each others arms, I love her, she loves me. When she left, I wasn’t sure what we were or precisely what I meant to her. It took me four weeks to ask her. Up until that night I was so afraid of what she might say, but that day I decided that if I was not the same to her as she was to me, I would have to move on. Even just a rebound relationship would have to do at this point. When I finally asked her, she said that she meant o bring this up before she left and was sorry she didn’t. (She was very sick and we has to take her to the hospital three days before she left.) She said she couldn’t ask me to wait because she had waited for someone who came back and the feelings weren’t there. She said it hurt her so bad, she would never ask me to do the same. The conclusion was that we both still very much love each other and if we are meant to be we will be.

After that conversation, I felt so good. For a week. I just miss her so much. I know she is hurting and I want to be there for her. I want to go on walks with her and help her put aside her pain for just moments of the day if I can, but I can’t. I am here. I am bound here. (I am trying not to say stuck here, because it sounds so much more negative.) At the moment my ties are here. This is where my kids and school are. There is time for me to be who I want to be sometime down the road I guess. As you can plainly see I am not completely convinced. This is a place where I am struggling. So many of my friends are moving away to bigger cities, cooler jobs, places I want to be. I am here. I am in a hell that I cannot escape. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two back. Or worse, at terrible times I feel stagnant.

I have alienated my friends. I don’t want to hang out with most of them. I have become very quite and reserved with my words. I am so stuck in my head most of the time that I am missing the things going on around me. I got in trouble at work for not being my cheerful self. I am really upset about that. I can’t be super happy all of the time. I am too busy for happy. Sad, I know. I have however written some beautiful poetry lately. I have been forcing myself to go out and participate with my friends in our normal activities, but I just end up tuning them out. The one thing I have enjoyed lately is hiking. The only problem with that is the person I have been hiking with is falling in love with me. Her words. So now I feel like I have to back away from the situation. She’s a cool girl, but I am just not ready to give up my love for HER. This summer will be a tough one. Finding money to pay bills, keeping my mind off her, keeping the kids busy for free. It’s so much to think about. I really want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok and I want to believe them, because I haven’t believed anyone before.

A Place to Go

It used to be that I thought
making love was a physical act
But now you are gone;
so far away, a visit is an event
It occurs to me how many
different ways there are to make love

We made love with a silent stare
held over many minutes
Your chestnut eyes imploring
my soul, drinking me in
A kiss about to happen
our breath caught in the moment

We made love with a whisper
a song for your ears only
Words you longed to hear
but were too afraid to ask for
I love you, you’d sigh
with eyes closed in a dream

We made love with our laughter
coming from deep within
A mutual enjoyment of
each others company
Some nights it didn’t stop
until we laughed ourselves to sleep

We made love in those moments
when the rivers broke the levy
Times when all was lost,
except the hope we found in our embrace
Why? I asked, to which you had no reply,
but the strength of your arms

We made love last night with written word
you begging of me that justice was done
A short message with all I have,
all I want to give, if you’ll just let me
A heart put at ease, by another
so full to burst, it ached in my chest

So you see, my love, this distance
is mere miles on a map
Making love to you is a memory
i can recall when I need to
A place to go where you touch my heart
when you cannot touch my hand

Love Dream Haiku

Arms wrapped around me
The heat, your skin on my back
Remembering you

Day 10

Every Monday and Wednesday, I sit out in my front yard and listen to and watch my environment.

Today I watched blades of wheat grass get bullied by the breeze, only to stand tall when the battering was done.

Another look revealed these weeds gesturing in conversation with one another.

And still a different perspective, a dance between earth and wind; the graceful push and pull that is compromise at the least and propagation at its height.

The Tide

Its queer how a broken heart
can change the rhythm
of the tides of life.
The ebb of sadness and
the flow of happiness
can change with the season
or the moment.
When the tide is in,
the life is sustainable,
when it’s out,
all life is impeded.
Priorities are pooled in small,
limited spaces.
The life giving qualities
would run out
if the tide did not come back in.
Rivers of tears can
temporarily rejuvenate,
but just when the gasping starts
again and life begins to strangle,
the moon releases it’s pull
and and the life-giving water
steadily cascades in,
to include the pools with the ocean.
Things begin to feel normal,
even the out tide can seem
less claustrophobic.
Almost ignorable.
The moon, herself,
may not have been visible,
but her influence is just the same.
There are tumultuous moments
with beautiful lightning displays,
where the sea is illuminated
transitorily,
black turning turquoise.
It foams and froths.
The waves reach higher than wonted
and the sea swirls with intensity,
bringing up oxygen and nutrients
to prepare for the next ebb.

Thus continues this rhythm
until it becomes habitual
and the mind feels nothing
but the customary senses,
until a new cadence has replaced
the former and the broken heart
has all but forgotten the garrote
once wound so tightly,
encircling and suffocating her.
The healing waters of the flow
cleanse and resuscitate
her beat to steady,
she feels life charge into her
and is ready again to share
the ephemeral love that brings
hope of no further ebb.
Though the outflow is ineluctable,
in certain seasons it is shorter
and more tolerable
and like the deep blue
expects and prepares
for this eventuality,
so must I.
The moon that is my beloved
will bring me to my knees,
begging once more
for the release that exclusively
she has the power to proffer.
To be influenced by such control
is out of mine,
but neither can she disengage
from our affaire de coeur;
for when the battle clouds clear
and demons have been slain
and once again her full radiance
shines upon
my still surface hiding fast undercurrents,
our need for each other is
incontrovertible.

Day Nine of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

old pictures/memories buried/some part of that life was good/sometimes i miss the predictability/i know i am right where i should be/i know these struggles will all be worth it/sometimes i get scared/then i look at old pictures and know i am better now

Day Eight of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

so many
words
spoken
tears
cried
laughs
bellowed
memories
made
thoughts
reflected
storms
watched
babies
rocked

knitting
reading
conversing
ruminating

we talk
about
girls
God
parenting
life stories
woes
triumphs
goals
the sad
the beautiful
the incomprehensible
the unjust

no one
ever leaves the
swing without
answers

Day Seven of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

a chance at
some sort of
normalcy

i took him
on the light rail
today

we shopped
at all the cool
stores

he ordered and
paid for his own
pizza

just a kid
walking around
tempe

just one of
many teenagers
milling

a chance to
show the world
independence

Day Six of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

"make me some
beany weinies
roomie"

"wash yourself
a spoon,
homo"

"i have
a spoon
gay-face"

Day Five of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

"i told my friends you were gay"
so matter of fact he was
"mommy, why don't they vote for love"
innocent and inquisitive
"i love you mommy"
and i know that will never change

Day Four of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

two friends
out to
lunch

two beers
down the
hatch

two friends
are feeling
relaxed

Day Three of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

that day they
had a plan
my three knights
would sell
the neighbors
oranges

the clever one
wrote the sign
the savvy one
chose the price
the cute one
sold the most

they made
eight dollars
working as one
that fun day
they split it
without a fight

Day Two of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

playing hookie
hiding out from
the truancy police

the sun warms
my feet and
i listen to birds

my mind wanders
freely like
the sparrow up high

Day One of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

The "Thirty Days of Gratitude" blog was a brain child of JLB. One day when I was feeling particularly glum, she suggested that I do a photo series for 30 days of things I am grateful for. This was to remind me of all the often unnoticed beauty and love that surround me daily. So this was yesterdays photo. I couldn'y get it up til tonight, but from now on, I will try and get it up every day on time.




perfect
day
come out and
play

she said i
will
we talked for
hours

honesty and
openness
ease of
conversation

all ends well
with a
a perfect goodnight
kiss

I'm Sorry

I just can't get her out of my head. I am still crying every day. Not all day. Somedays it's just a tear and others a downpour. I don't know what's wrong with me. Fuck! I'm fucking pathetic. How did I manage to let a girl get to me like this?

Missing Us (Still)

I’m at the first place we met up after our initial meeting. It’s almost the same, except you’re not here. You were though. You were looking to the north, watching for the three. always a constant eye on them, without need for reward. When I would get up to look, you would reassure me that they were safe. You put your arm around me that day, so tentative and gentle, the same as last night. You took my breath away that day and you still do every time I look at you. I knew you would break my heart. The night before, you laid your head on my shoulder, a small, well remembered gesture. In my head, I promised to always be strong for you, as long as you were part of my life.

You met me at work one day, you brought me a book. I wanted so badly to kiss you, but we were in front of my boss’s window. “Thanks for the time in between”, was written in the book you gave me. Time in between what, I asked. In between all your other responsibilities, you said. You noticed. I called in late to work and took you to the airport. We talked, we laughed, we watched each other; was easy conversation. When it was time for you to go, I asked if I could kiss you. You said yes. I did. We worked. When you came home, we made love for the first time. So perfect. Like a puzzle, we fit perfect into each other. I slept. I never sleep the first night with someone. But with you, i did.

As I write this now, I am weeping. I cry because the love is not gone. I cry because I don’t know our future. I cry because you make me happy. I cry because I am angry with myself for crying. I cry because when I say I love you, I really want to say, I’m still so in love with you. But I don’t want to make it worse for you, so I don’t tell you. Last night you held me. I felt it, it was real. When you tell me love me, you mean it. You give me hope and take it away in the same breath. Who you are inside is who I love. I’m not sure that’s a concept you are used to.

Plato spoke of a love that is so deep and spiritual that it transcends previous comprehension of beauty. You make the world more beautiful for me. Now the sun shines warmer on my shoulders, the sky is bluer. I see your smile in every happy face, I hear your laugh in the wind. The very thought of life without you weighs heavy on my chest; it suffocates me. Just when I get strong enough, you hold me and I fall apart again. Am I deceiving myself? I really miss you. My body aches to be near you, it’s a physical pain.

I love you. Some days I wish I didn’t. You have changed me. You broke me, but I will rebuild stronger. You leave in a month for 5 months. Will we survive? Will we fortify our friendship? We each walk alone in two different worlds. We acknowledge that neither would survive in each others realm, but could these two places find a sound meeting ground?

her ache

after every break and repair her shape changes subtly
when will she become unrecognizable?
will she just not repair one time?
can the small cracks i never bothered to fix, splinter together and smash her fragile frame?
is there a time i just won’t feel the pull of her longing pounding in my chest anymore?
ever she beats, tormenting me with her resilience
pushing me to try again, to let her unleash her flood of love
is it the being loved or the loving she thrives on?
in my pursuit of understanding her, i give into her control, to let her lead me
i follow her from one ache to another, each time hoping to make a stop at peace

logical love

how is it possible that i have known her for so little time and i can’t get her out of my brain. i mean the love isn’t even logical. we live in two different worlds. think about different things. know life differently. and want two lives seeming in contrast with one another. my smart brain tells me this break up is a good thing. my emo lame-o brain remembers all the laughs we had. all the longing looks. those perfect nights. her smell. her taste. smart brain says she’s gone for four months this year and up to nine months in a playing year. emo brain wants to be held and loved. emo brain wants to hear her laugh again. emo brain wants to talk about scary stuff with her some more. smart brain is screaming for me to just accept it. emo brain is (much to the dismay of smart brain and whole person) holding just a glimmer of hope she comes to her senses. smart brain’s not sure emo brain is going to forget her any time soon. emo brain might need to shut down for a long time. i might just be a little intoxicated. its all true. i miss her so much it’s stupid. my body is aching to feel her, sense her near me. my chest feel like it will explode. and my brain won’t go to sleep. fucking girls. fucking her. fucking sadness. why the hell didn’t I stop myself from loving her? I hate myself for loving someone who can't fully love me.