I can't title my blogs because I am not witty enough. I guess that goes with having an over stuffed head. I did the dishes tonight. What a relief. I can go to bed knowing I have one less thing to do tomorrow. Phew. I still have to figure out how to get the kids home from school. With my hus at jury duty...which he likes, I have nobody to help. Our exchange student can take the bus, she gets out 10 minutes before the boys, but the two schools are across town from eachother. Have I mentioned how much I dis- like my husband. I think he is a dick. He has turned into a fight-picker and emotional abuser. He tries to fight with me in front of the ES. How uncomfortable for her. I try to ignore him, but she still squirms. I think he wants to embarrass me in her presence, like he is controlling of the situation. I just say ok and go about what I am doing. I am a stay at home mom now. I have worked previously all seven years that I had kids. I missed out on firsts and what-not. R (my hus), on the other hand, was out through school during that time and was able to be at home with them. How quickly he forgets the schedule and vigor of a day with kids. Only now, I drop the kids off, pick them up, see them to practices, except 3 nights a week when he is responsible for that. ( I had to get a night job because my cousin is getting married in Europe and I want to go. He is angry because, although he said he would be okay with me saving the money, he now wants me to contribute to the household income.) He's a fucker. I really wish I never married him. The only thing good he ever did was give me three beautiful boys. I would leave him in a second if it didn't mean giving up my days with my boys. He and I are so different. He wants money, power, money, fame, money. I want to buy a piece of land someplace with mild seasons and live off the land. Have babies on the kitchen table, the same table I made our daily bread on. I want to milk cows and make butter, grow harvest and can fruit and veggies. Shear my sheep to make yarn for socks, shawls, sweaters, bags. I want to live a very simple life. He doesn't. He acts like I forced him to be vegetarian. And the kids, who by the way, don't mind. He won't even eat veggies. He says it's because I don't like his curry. I DON'T LIKE CURRY!!!! Period. Whoever said opposites attract never had to live with R. I am embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. He is a slob. He has gained so much weight. Take care of yourself, for fucks sake, R!!! When he is at home, he watches TV, something that I am totally against for the kids, but he lets them do anyway, because he is addicted. He says that's the way he was raised, so it is good enough for his kids. Well it isn't good enough for mine. He yells all the time. My kids have friends who won't come over if he is home because they are scared of him. He is short tempered and belittles the kids. It breaks my heart that he does this. I am exhausted now. I have to go to bed, luckily, I trained the baby, he's almost three to sleep between us a few months ago. Now I don't even have to touch him. One more thing, I switched my wedding ring to the other hand about a week ago, he still hasn't noticed. I am on the hunt for a good fuck and a little companionship.

I always have a lot on my mind. Things I should have said, but thought of later. Stupid inventions. Fantasies I want to share with just one person. I can't sleep because of it. I bite my nails. I have a lot of tension in my back. I grind my teeth at night. Some would say I need help, but I think I just need companionship. I am not fat or ugly or anything like that. I have acne, which I am sure nobody really cares about, but me. When I look at my face that's all I see. I blame it on the thyroid meds I take, but sometimes, after a long night at work, I don't feel like washing my face. Or brushing my teeth. I feel like my world is spinning. I can't keep one thought in my head long enough to articulate it. I am lost in my head. I get a great idea, but forget it a minute later. It takes me a million years to tell a story, because I talk about other things at the same time...tangents and the point of my story is lost. I have a superiority complex...the one I hate in other people. Don't worry, I hate this trait in myself as well. I am too strong and strong willed for my own good. People who are getting to know me think I am great, but then I become an asshole to some. I really can't stand a lot of people because they remind me of myself. I hate being talked down to. I may not have a degree, but I am intelligent. (This is where I make a really stupid spelling mistake.) Once again, so much going through my tiny brain, that I can't even be coherent. The purpose of this blog is to let it all out. I don't know if anyone will ever read it. I have made it available to everyone, but I don't read random blogs unless I am invited, so why would anyone read this. More about me tomorrow...if I can remember my user name and pass word.