I thought I was tanner, but I was just dirty!!

I just got out of a long, lovely shower. And home from a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG camping trip with just my boys. Wow, I never realized how much I need the company of other adults. On Friday after the tent was up, which A1 and A2 helped with, I made lunch, set up the sleeping bags, took a small walk until A1 got tired, made a fire, made dinner over said fire (vegan dogs on a stick; the kids had a blast with that one), cleaned up dinner, and waited for morning. In the middle of the night, a wind storm came and pushed the tent flat on top of us!! Nothing was broken and when I went outside to check, the wind was hardly blowing. Hmm. Then I saw that the embers were burning bright. That scared me a little because I am really afraid of starting a forest fire. (I thought the penis fear was queer , but I guess fear of starting forest fires is a little absurd too. ) Anyway, I tried to lay down, but then the tent was on my head again. I kept thinking it was like God's giant foot was stepping on my little head to tell me to go douse the embers. I got up, walked slowly for fear of waking bears, and watered the log. I felt so much better and was sure that there would be no more collapsing tent. Imagine my surprise when I laid down and God stepped on my face again... I fell asleep with the tent in my mouth. I slept for a good hour before the sun and sons rose to greet the day. I daydreamed for a few more hours. Mostly about sex and I could because they left the tent and were off exploring the surrounding cliffs. I masterbated and got up. haaaa. Saturday. Off to the lake for some sun right? I read the forcast and packed accordingly (bikini), but there was no sun and no tanning, but for a few minutes at back at camp. The kids played. I tried to drink but the Lynchburg Lemonade I bought was yuk, so there went that idea. Where was M.J. when you needed her most? I realized that I had cell service sometime in the night after I exuasted my remembered song library at the camp fire and read Bridge to Terebithia (hello!!! depressing!!!) to the kids. The neighbor campers, who were about a hundred yards away, were blasting some stupid music and I was texting J cuz he's the only person I could think of who would text me back. He asked me if I wanted to snuggle sometime, I didn't know what to say, so I told him I was going to try new things for a while. Woke up this morning. Waited for the kids to leave, touched myself again. Got up and packed up. Even though it was a leisurely time, I still managed to get everything done and be out by 10am. No shit. Anyone who knows me might think I am lying. I left the woods this morning with my boys who didn't want to leave. I know they had a good time and I guess that is what they needed. A little mom time. Who doesn't? Well me, my mom scares me. Wow alot of fears came out in this and some I actually deleted because I am not about to open up again, even to cyberspace. I know nobody reads this because only two people know about it, besides me of course. I think I will start reading other random peoples blogs and commenting just so they know someone cares. Now I am sitting in my house. No kids, not any more tan, but in my undies and a tank top with my wet hair over my back keeping me simultaneously refreshed and sultry. I would do it all over again. Even the no adults part. I even let the boys start the fire all by themselves while I was in bag. (Eat shit, Mama Q!!!!!!)

This is an email I just hit send on

I'm so....well let's say gorked, hebetudinous, somnolent... in case Mama Q suddenly gets myspace. Haha. I can't even remember why I wanted to message you in the first place....oh yeah. Mama Q was chatting with T's mom, V and LC. She told them it was hard making the decision to change jobs because if she ......................................................oh....haha......moved out, who would take care of J's kids. She told them that K (my baby...ish..) yells for her every morning. What the fuck? I might kick her newly capped tooth out. V of course stuck up for me. Mama Q needs to talk shit about me to someone who I don't hang out with, like...................................................................... ummmmm.................. well.......maybe, a bum. Yes, a bum. This is damn poetry...

Well I am pretty sure it might not be funny in the morning, but when I am reading it now, it's some funny shit. Trying to follow K's words, but they are coming out so slow.

My seven today

Sleeper- What Do I Do Now
Fionna Apple- Shadowboxer
Jejune-Greyscale
Coldplay- Fix You
Sugarland- Stay (especially the end)
Weezer- Undone
Nick Drake - Bryter Layer
Norah Jones- What Am I to You

So it's not the titles that matter, it's the content. Some I like for the end, some for the first line. If a random person, who didn't know these songs, read this, they might think I am so depressed I might kill myself at any moment. I might just, but not cuz I am sad now. I am fasting today, so tomorrow, I might think myself crazy for posting such nonsense. It makes sense to me now. My life is in chaos. I am drowning in self-doubt. I can tell myself all those things I tell others, but to me they are bullshit right now. Two weeks ago, things were spiraling and I didn't have a clue. I am so misguided and out of control. I am manic with the house. One moment I am in bed for three hours hysterical, the next I am on the roof trimming the china berry. On and on I go with no real end. I think it may be time to eat...

Alright

Well it's finally all out. As much as it hurt to hear it, at least I know. I questioned myself over and over about my intentions and decided that I would let my heart lead. I let my guard down. Until you I haven't let anyone in since I was 18. Ironically, I thought I would be the one to hurt you. I thought I would be the one to start thinking and let my brain take over. I fucking suck. I haven't felt this way in so long. I remember why nobody can get into me. You suck for thinking. We had so much fun together. We can talk forever and not even notice forever flew by. I knew this would happen. My horoscope told me so. So stupid that I even looked at it today. I just had to get up the guts to ask you. Here is my response. I know when I am distracting myself. J was a distraction. When he went away, I didn't care. I go out drinking as a distraction. I take off for the weekend as a distraction. I ignore HIM. HE was moving out anyway. Our marriage was over long before you came along. You had nothing to do with that. I really put myself out there with you. I was willing listen to my heart. I was willing to have emotion. I am actually glad it hurts so bad because I know I am not dead inside after all these years of being unhappy. That doesn't mean I want to keep hurting. I am sure that blog scared you. I took a real gamble letting you read it, it looks like I lost for now. Your friends aren't there with us. Just like mine aren't. How could they tell you anything about this? I am glad you have people to talk to, but you should have really talked to me. And definitley shouldn't have made me wait a whole week and made me have to ask you. If I post this after all this shit, I would be a real idiot, wouldn't I? Just opening myself to you again. I don't want to you to feel sorry for me. I'll get along just fine without that. So when you ask and I say I'm alright, you know what that means. Don't think too long. And don't listen to other people. Even me.

I think it's because I am tired

I feel really crazy today. I can't keep my mind on anything. No focus. No drive.

Blessings

When you are blind to your world, you miss all the subtle blessings in your life. I am not talking God stuff or anything. I have had a rough couple of days and I have learned a few lessons. How I felt is how someone is feeling now. What a terrible feeling. I have inflicted that pain on this person and I didn't know or remember the feeling. I will not change my path, but I will change the way I speak and use my body language. Last night I talked to K. She reminded me of my strong spirit and how it's love and unending acceptance can be overwhelming. Today a woman was sent to my door to sell something. This happens alot. She was really sent to show me all the small blessings around me. I know she wasn't sent to Phoenix for me. I told her so and she said she knew we were supposed to meet, but that there was another one she was really sent to. A friend for a reason, a friend for a season a friend for a life......which one, who knows? I may be behind on bills, have an empty pantry, but I have my friend who stays up all night to tell me I am good. I have earthangel_1965 to remind me there are like people in this world who share my dreams. I smell like her, she hugged me so many times. I have my midgets to teach me patience every moment. And so many others who I NEED in my life. Sometimes I lose track, but I always have it in my heart that there is a reason for every triumph and sorrow. Every heartbreak will repair. I hope I touch someone's life like so many touch mine.

Am I lost?

Three weeks ago, i knew my roles in life. I was an unhappy wife, a normal mom, a haphazard lover, an adultress, a weekend binge drinker, occasional pot smoker and generally mindless of my despair. This week I am a seperated wife (good with that), neglectful mother, space needer, confused non-lover, I still wear the scarlet letter, waiting for 5 o'clock drinker, pot smoker and all around low. Which is better...pretending it's all good or knowing it's not? Will it pass? I want to scream cry kick yell not use commas. I also want to curl up and sleep. It's 5 now.......pour me something tall and strong, I need a hurricane before I go insane. (I wonder if I could write a whole blog in song lyrics.) Self doubt. So confident until I let my guard down. Now I am out in the open, naked, wondering who's talking about me, what are they saying? I am feeling like a big idiot. It was real. I have to beleive that or I will be lost.

This weekend was UN-FANTASTIC

so I shouldn't even write about it. FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! I need to get myself under control. Seriously. Spent Saturday in the sun, drinking, freaking. I was definatly out of my element. (Not a huge partier.) And really insecure. My insecurity may have cost me. The vibe was fucked up! Last night was even worse. I learned a lesson. My own, don't ask. I went with an intoxicated driver against my better judgement. I actually gave in. I am usually really good at not giving in. FUCK!! I was a poor decision maker yesterday..... So I got really pissy after I got home today. I decided to go on a walk. I walked for 3.5 hours and covered 9 miles. Kick ass. I wanted to call my sister or K or even Mama Q for a ride after the first 5 miles, but I didn't. I feel so fucking accomplished. Nine miles!! I really needed to think, I guess. I forgot about my kick-ass burrito for breakfast. Shout out to the burrito maker who didn't have to give me all those extra veggies for free. Shit shit shit. Stupid fucker. I am sorry.

Am I manic?

Last night should be a good indicator. No I'm not. I just am getting really short tempered with HIM. I want HIM away for a while. I don't want to see HIM every day. Today everything was all good again. Like HE didn't say *FUCK YOU* to me four times last night. Last night I learned I can talk myself in or out of anything. I was about to become trailer trash. Nothing wrong with living in a trailer, except where the trailer park is... kinda scary. What's the plan, my plan? Do I have a plan? Can I plan not to plan? Does everything need a plan of action? Can't some things just be? FUCK!!!! I am in a holding pattern. Neither doing nor not doing. Just here. Every day is new. Everyday is also routine, rhythmic. I'm good with that. Does that mean I am complacent? Complacentsy indicats satisfaction. Satisfied- to fulfill one's desires, expectations, needs or demands. My desires and needs have been put on hold. (My choice, I know it.) Therefore, I am not compalcent. Neither content. Why am I trying so damn hard to lable myself when I hate that I am being labled by others right now? Is it okay to be selfish (a description, not a lable) when so many little people need me? Am I fucking them up? Is it neglect or me letting them be themselves? I am a pretty laid back mama. I am really even keeled most of the time. Big A asked last night of I loved him. Is that him needing reassurance right then or is he really qustioning that? I have a lot of questions and so few answers. I realized about two months ago that a coversation always starts with a question. How are you? What are you doing, reading, selling? There may be the obligatory *hi*, but the exchange couldn't go far with out a question. I am so tired of answering questions. I am going to hide in my room now. Away from all the questions disguised as concern. I'm fine. I have to be. Why waste the energy on anger or grief? So in two years, we will revisit the question of whether or not I am manic. Maybe I will have a big emo blow up. Let it all go in one 6 month rage. Who knows?

We

Thanks for an awesome night. I know you listen. I hope you realize how much you mean to me and to everyone who's life you touch. You are an amazing person. I can tell you that a bazillion times and I hope you hear it just once. It's so important to be able to laugh and be ourselves. You afford me that.

So Now it's Friday...

SHE shared alot with me last night. The first journal entry I read was tremendous. It was sad and hopeless, yet reassuring. I am not alone. Not so trapped in my own head. Always wondering what others are thinking, but somehow not really caring until they tell me something I didn't want to hear. They don't even know me. How can she say that? I only know what I know and I try to be really careful about what I say. Only talking about certain things when I am asked. Well I need to get over it cuz I only have two more months to hang out before SHE leaves, so I need to suck it up and be myself no matter what. I will just choose my quiet self sometimes. I hope I never make you feel like I know everything because I learn new things every day. Everytime SHE touches me, I can't concentrate and I think SHE thinks I am not responding, I am. Thank you for letting me in a little. ENOUGH!! So now to other things. My highest priority has also become my biggest annoyance. I am not resentful, just lost right now. I had dreams. I wanted to be a marine biologist, a paramedic, a midwife, a scholar. To say I am *just* a mom undermines my efforts to be a good mom. (I say this about myself.) I am a good mom. I do what I think is right by me. I wish I could have known what growing up slowly would have been like. People say that I only have this time in thier lives once, but I only have this time in MY life once also. I need to find the balance. Peace. I am exausted. I am spent and pulled in every direction. People need so much from me and I can't say no. I can make my peace in a few situations and I find my voice more than not, but then people call me a bitch. I MAKE MISTAKES and that's ok...right? blah, blah, blah I am going out to commune with nature this Friday. I need to be outside.

Is it Friday yet?

3 weeks together everyday and some nights. Did it. My expectations were higher for myself. I was nervous, SHE kept it light. Sleeping at my house isn't good. We wake alot. Can't get comfy. If it ends, HE will be so happy and all knowing. I hate HIM worse for that. Then what? Another girl? A boy? HIM? I am neglecting my family, but HE is over here every*fucking*day. Nights, mornings, weekends. I have to spend mucho time away from home. Time away from the kids. HE and SHE fight, but not with eachother, only through me. I don't think SHE can handle the whole family thing. I don't blame HER. I don't like them either right now. No*no*no yells all the time, then there is old ichy tooth and I can't forget about sweaty eyes. Then there's K. She needs me to be her ear, but I don't have an ear in her. I am in love, but so conflicted. (If you read this, I don't take love lightly, but don't be afraid, I am not obsessive, nor do I have expectations of you.) There is so much pressure. Pressure to fit a label, to learn a whole new way, to be the old me. Me is re-invented everyday. I don't have to make a choice today, right now. I want to have it all my way, GOD DAMMIT!! This life is mine. I have choosen each path I have taken so far and I am very aware of where I am now, but I am at a fork and I can't turn around once I make the choice, therefore I must ponder. Am I using or being used? Is it even a question of that. SHE asked me yesterday if SHE was just a distraction. Yeah maybe not, I have been able to see things in a new light. SHE lets me feel genuinly happy. We have so much and so little common ground. Our twentys were night and day. My demons were domestic, HERS imported. I knew what I was doing that day at the park. I welcomed you in the woods. I enjoy every minute we are together. I honestly don't know what to do with you, what to say to you, how to make you feel good. SHE is everything I wanted, but nothing I expected. Kind, patient, beautiful, fun, funny, loving, affectionate, so imperfectly perfect, strong, brave, proud, HER smile is amazing...Did she test me the other day with the picture? See my reaction? I am really willing to do alot for HER. But I don't know if the willingness is mutual. Is it? SHE is leaving anyway. Once she is gone, I am afraid I will lose HER forever. Her old ways will catch up and it's not that I don't have faith in HER. What a terrible curse. But is it more of a burden than mine? We are in two sepeate ball parks but playing the same game. Getting dumb now, gotta go to bed. Finish watching LW, season 1, waiting for Friday.

I'm the biggest asshole...or I like girls?

It's been a fucking weird week. HE moved out. I went to CA for 30 minutes. I like a girl. I fucked up my anniversery, bad, I had a date with someone else that night. Ok so, HE slept at HIS new place for the first time on Sunday night, that was until I called HIM at 9:30 and told HIM HE needed to come home so I could go on a rescue mission to Cally. The girl was in need of a ride home for various non-postable reasons and I had to make a split decision, here comes the song, Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble, If I go it will be double. So sitting in my town at a gas station, I asked WWKD? And K said, if it was you stranded I would already be on the road. That sealed it. On the road again... so at 11pm, I was on the road to PS, CA. At threee fifteen, I got there, by three thirty, we were leaving. Safe, sound and sick. That shit really fucks with a person. A few heaves later and we were off again. I checked her pulse, felt her head and held her hand the whole way, I didn't know what else to do. Home safe and sound, but exausted by nine am. At my house we tried to sleep, then around two, I did it. I kissed her. I was unsure if she liked it, but she keeps coming back for more, so now I have less doubt....or really, none. I had tickets for the hockey game on Tuesday, so I asked her out. We went, but it turns out Tuesday was my anniversery. How bad do I suck? HE remembered and got me a card and a book and I took out my lover. I'm an asshole-ee-ol-ee-ole. 2nd night away and HE was just that, away. HE comes over everyday and I let HIM. She says I should just tell HIM I have moved on, but how can I when I don't even know for sure if I have? Oh wait, I have and I like it. HELL YEAH!! I really like her. Like close to love. I must, cuz who drives 10 hours in a row for someone who is just ok? So recap, I like girls, oh and HE knows, and I am an asshole, but a really good friend. Hmmmm....And it's only wednesday.

Today

Ok. Do you ever have one of those days where the world is right? The future doesn't seem like a mystery? I guess the cliche' would be a moment of clarity. It happens to me every once in while and today is one of those days. Beauty is all around me. It's the weather I know. In winter, I curl up under a blanket all day, super melancholy. I hate to be cold. I need the sunshine.

Sleeping Naked and Other Fabulous Fantasies

I haven't slept naked in such a long time. If I do, I am inviting HIM to touch me. It makes my stomach turn to think about it. Like last night, I showed HIM some pics on my phone that were a little sexy....to HIM that means, Fuck Yeah, I'm gonna get some. Is it all men who think sex is intimacy? They are wrong. Intimacy is so different. I need intimacy. I WANT to be fucked!!!!!! I want to sleep naked and wake up in the middle of the night and make love, roll over in his arms and sleep some more, then do it again in the morning. Morning breath wouldn't matter because this is a fantasy and things like that don't happen in fantasies. Why can't he let me go and move on? Why can't I figure out why in the world he still "loves" me? What does love mean? Is it just comfort? Or is it pure happiness every time he walks into the room? I want to want my man. I want to jump him every time I see him. Kiss him and nap with him. Hear the sharp, startled intake of breath when he wakes from the nap, looks around and realizes that he just napped. Heartbeat, gentle breathing, warm body, arms strong enough to push all the bad away. (I'm still fantasizing here, definitely not reality...) And since this is fantasy, he could make me cum with his dick, not his tongue. Don't get me wrong, oral is good, but it just can't sustain a girl forever. If I was on my own, could I be alone? Or am I one of those girls who needs a man all the time? I am certainly very independent, but I want to be vulnerable too. I want to have a MAN around who lets me be scared, lonely, and unhappy every once in a while. He also lets me do the heavy lifting sometimes, but not ALL the time. Back to the sex, I love a man who will interlace his fingers with mine and hold my hands while we make love. I love the weight of a man, not the overweight though. I love to be desired. So how long to wait to see if things get better? Forever? Will it help if I don't daydream about all the other men in my life? How long 'til I can sleep naked again?

What I am Supposed to be

I am supposed to be cleaning the house and the yard. I am supposed to be organizing the biggest school fundraiser. I am supposed to be going outside and hanging with my 4 yaer old cuz that's why I wanted to stay at home, right? I should be planting those beautiful flowers D gave me. I should be getting the breaks fixed or the oil changed. I should be loving my husband and being faithful. I should be honest... or maybe not. I should be happy for those more fortunate than me. Should I keep in touch with old friends or feel guilty I don't? I shouldn't be thinking about His arms, or hIs dick or hiM and I taking slumber together. I definately shouldn't be blogging all of this. As obscure as it is, someone will know. HIM. He who now checks up on me, texts me stupid things to see if I respond. He who will probably check my favorites when he gets suspicious enough. How do I hide my blog? Cuz I sure as hell can't remember how to find it without my own link. And what if plain sight is the best place to hide it? Why am I hiding anyway? He knows I am done. He knows all of my feeling toward HIM. I keep thinking of "The Hundred Secret Senses". Will I repeat this life again? Am I destined to know the same souls every life time until I get it right? If so, unless something drastically changes, I will do this again soon. But when I do it again, will he be my man or is he not my soul mate and I am just killing time with him this lifetime. According to R Steiner, my children's souls chose us to be there parents long ago when we were all still in "heaven". That would indicate that we are soul mates, but how could my soul mate be so different from me? We like nothing the same and we do nothing the same. I am so tired of thinking and re-thinking. I think when I was a teenager, I had a mis-carriage with hIs baby. With R.S. in mind, how does this relate? Why did the soul of that child come and go? Sometimes I think it was the soul of number 1 and that's why I had him so young, because he wasn't born the first time. But that doesn't make sense either because if the soul of the child chooses it's parent souls, then how could it choose one father then decide to be born to another? Maybe there was supposed to be another soul in my life and now it just haunts me like something I was supposed to do.

I can't title my blogs because I am not witty enough. I guess that goes with having an over stuffed head. I did the dishes tonight. What a relief. I can go to bed knowing I have one less thing to do tomorrow. Phew. I still have to figure out how to get the kids home from school. With my hus at jury duty...which he likes, I have nobody to help. Our exchange student can take the bus, she gets out 10 minutes before the boys, but the two schools are across town from eachother. Have I mentioned how much I dis- like my husband. I think he is a dick. He has turned into a fight-picker and emotional abuser. He tries to fight with me in front of the ES. How uncomfortable for her. I try to ignore him, but she still squirms. I think he wants to embarrass me in her presence, like he is controlling of the situation. I just say ok and go about what I am doing. I am a stay at home mom now. I have worked previously all seven years that I had kids. I missed out on firsts and what-not. R (my hus), on the other hand, was out through school during that time and was able to be at home with them. How quickly he forgets the schedule and vigor of a day with kids. Only now, I drop the kids off, pick them up, see them to practices, except 3 nights a week when he is responsible for that. ( I had to get a night job because my cousin is getting married in Europe and I want to go. He is angry because, although he said he would be okay with me saving the money, he now wants me to contribute to the household income.) He's a fucker. I really wish I never married him. The only thing good he ever did was give me three beautiful boys. I would leave him in a second if it didn't mean giving up my days with my boys. He and I are so different. He wants money, power, money, fame, money. I want to buy a piece of land someplace with mild seasons and live off the land. Have babies on the kitchen table, the same table I made our daily bread on. I want to milk cows and make butter, grow harvest and can fruit and veggies. Shear my sheep to make yarn for socks, shawls, sweaters, bags. I want to live a very simple life. He doesn't. He acts like I forced him to be vegetarian. And the kids, who by the way, don't mind. He won't even eat veggies. He says it's because I don't like his curry. I DON'T LIKE CURRY!!!! Period. Whoever said opposites attract never had to live with R. I am embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. He is a slob. He has gained so much weight. Take care of yourself, for fucks sake, R!!! When he is at home, he watches TV, something that I am totally against for the kids, but he lets them do anyway, because he is addicted. He says that's the way he was raised, so it is good enough for his kids. Well it isn't good enough for mine. He yells all the time. My kids have friends who won't come over if he is home because they are scared of him. He is short tempered and belittles the kids. It breaks my heart that he does this. I am exhausted now. I have to go to bed, luckily, I trained the baby, he's almost three to sleep between us a few months ago. Now I don't even have to touch him. One more thing, I switched my wedding ring to the other hand about a week ago, he still hasn't noticed. I am on the hunt for a good fuck and a little companionship.

I always have a lot on my mind. Things I should have said, but thought of later. Stupid inventions. Fantasies I want to share with just one person. I can't sleep because of it. I bite my nails. I have a lot of tension in my back. I grind my teeth at night. Some would say I need help, but I think I just need companionship. I am not fat or ugly or anything like that. I have acne, which I am sure nobody really cares about, but me. When I look at my face that's all I see. I blame it on the thyroid meds I take, but sometimes, after a long night at work, I don't feel like washing my face. Or brushing my teeth. I feel like my world is spinning. I can't keep one thought in my head long enough to articulate it. I am lost in my head. I get a great idea, but forget it a minute later. It takes me a million years to tell a story, because I talk about other things at the same time...tangents and the point of my story is lost. I have a superiority complex...the one I hate in other people. Don't worry, I hate this trait in myself as well. I am too strong and strong willed for my own good. People who are getting to know me think I am great, but then I become an asshole to some. I really can't stand a lot of people because they remind me of myself. I hate being talked down to. I may not have a degree, but I am intelligent. (This is where I make a really stupid spelling mistake.) Once again, so much going through my tiny brain, that I can't even be coherent. The purpose of this blog is to let it all out. I don't know if anyone will ever read it. I have made it available to everyone, but I don't read random blogs unless I am invited, so why would anyone read this. More about me tomorrow...if I can remember my user name and pass word.