Fam Damnily

So I have removed myself from my maternal family.It really bothers me. Not because I miss them. They are assholes. Always waiting for me to fuck up. I am outing my family in this blog, telling those secrets that were never supposed to be common knowledge. Swept under the rug. Maybe that's what the problem is, my sister EM and I got pregnant before we married, the outcome is OUT, you can see it. Is that the difference? My cousins, who did much worse things than us, were treated like perfect princesses. At least two were arrested for big things, one for smuggling drugs across the Mexico/US border (she also had a baby before marriage) and the other for felony shoplifting. They all drank like fishes in high school and had mucho sex. I didn't do any of these things and yet I am the one singled out. I was reamed when I chose to be vegetarian. What the hell? Anyway, the last straw was a trip to Mexico, a funeral and the aftermath. EM and her friends went to MX for three day, I thought it would be fun to drop in on their party. E, A and I got there Saturday mid morning and left Sunday night. The house was left clean, money was left in the jar, nothing broken, nothing lost. The way we got it. A week later, Uncle B dies. About a month before this, UB came to me in an early morning dream and let me know he was sick and going to die. My mom called later that day and I told her I already knew. It was like I had made peace with my uncle. So he dies and I have plans to go out the Thursday of his viewing. I don't need to see his corpse. I get up super early for the funeral, drive to Tucson to attend. My bitch of a mother sat next to my dad's sister at the funeral ,but wouldn't make room for my dad. He had to sit alone. I went and made a small scene about sitting with him. Hung at my Aunt B's and visit with family. Most of the fam is outside in 100plus heat. No thank you. I stayed inside and talked very briefly to the people around who came in and out. Then I left. I had a silent auction to run at 4. Got home, had a fun night. Woke up and was hanging with E when, duhn duhn duhn, my cell phone rings, DWYER shows on the screen. "Shit, this can't be good." I said to E. "Um Hello?" It's Aunt B calling to give me a new asshole. Did I have fun In Mex? Were there any problems? Cuz usually people call her and tell her if there are problems. No problem I say. Well in that case, as far as she is concerned I can rent next time I'm down there. Eek, alrighty then. Phew, is that it? Not quite sista. "Now is there anything you need to say to me?" Strained voice, angry, angry. Not that I can think of. "Something that you could say to your cousins, so appalling, in my house, they felt they had to come and tell me right away?" (That's not exactly what she said, but pretty close.) Holy fuck, what could I have said and when? I was high at the funeral, but not the reception. Definitely not stoned then. At the grave site to the car, I said something to my dad about not wanting to be around the fam that much, cuz their version of giving a shit, is gossip. So that was it, a private conversation, on the way to my car, was overheard by my cousin and relayed to my Aunt as being had at the house. So my Aunt asks me "Why did you even bother coming?" How the hell do I answer that. Obligation brought me there? Once again, what the hell? Then as if that wasn't enough, she tells me "No one cares about you, yesterday was about Uncle B." Well then. I get it. So the aftermath, EM, who's trip to MX is was in the first place, does not even get one word spoken to her about not calling or about not attending the funeral. So, I enrolled in school, got a phat grant and am moving on with my life. Just without them. I will also be bridging the gap my mother made between me and my dad's family. All holidays were spent with mother's family, then dad's secondary. I know my cousins on m's side soooo much better, but I will try to fix that. I'm sorry dad that you have had to live with this shit for so long. Sever now. They're not worth the trouble.

Are We There Yet?

More precisely, am I there yet? No. I can't even see the end. Will I ever love myself enough to allow anyone else to love me? Am I just waiting out this life alone until I die? I hate this life. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to be, how to be. I think of me in so many different scenarios, but none fit. I want so badly to find my place in this world. I want to be important, a contributor. As it is I am a big lump. I am a nobody. I don't have a job, much less a career path. I don't have anyone to share my deepest thoughts and dorkiness with. I want to be held and I want to want to hold that person back. I want to die. (No suicide watch please, not gonna do anything to myself.) I just can't continue like this. LOST. I turn one way and I get trapped in a spider web. I get out of that sticky situation only to find myself knee deep in quicksand, sinking sinking sinking. Someone may cross my path, pull me out and lead me to a sunny pasture, but it always rains. Each triumph is followed by a tragedy. How can I look back and wish I didn't take a certain path when I could never possibly know where a different path may have led me? It could be worse. Or maybe better. There are so many things in this life I am grateful for not knowing first hand. For the most part, my friends are also life's refugees. Setting up camp in the darkest part of the forest, wondering why they can't see ahead. Sometimes they are looking backwards, trying to get out the way they came in. Some are just giving up and dying. Some are hoping that the dark is light, so much that they believe they are ok. Some are just running in circles, hiding behind trees or setting camp up in a different place every night. Some don't even need camp because they can't sleep, can't sit still. I wander between all these people and wonder where I fit in. We all see that pasture sometimes, but we rarely see each other in the light at the same time. We rejoice when someone makes it out, but cheer more loudly when they are back in with us. Safety in numbers. The crazy's stick together. I am in the middle, I am at the bottom, I HOPE. Now how do get to happiness? How do I get There?

I'm Proud of You

I have realized with some terrifying observations, that I reveal too much of myself all the time. I talk alot. Anytime something happens to me, even around me, I have to tell someone. So what gives? I have been observing myself, as I mentioned above and I I think I know why I do this. I want someone to feel proud of me. My mom never did, never does. More and more I have come to see this. (I'm having major mom issues right now.) I remember once wanting to tell my mom about a good grade and I walked out back and caught her smoking pot. Instead of being able to tell her, she yelled at me to go back inside. Later, she asked what it was I needed and she said, Oh That's Good. To me, it was better than good. If it was just good, I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of potential let down; which is what I mostly got. I know she is not proud of me because I struggle with this very issue with my boys. And because I am aware of it, I overcompensate sometimes. My parents were less than proud when I go prego with A1. I realize that they were disappointed, but I seemed to have things together. An apartment, a savings account, a job with health benefits, the boy was staying with me. (You know what they say about hindsight.) My point is that, although, I was young and dumb, I made a grown up decision and had a little back-up. Maybe they didn't have to be proud right at that moment, but after I had A1 and I didn't go on welfare or drugs... Maybe pride isn't the word I am seeking. Acceptance. That's easier, right Mom? I guess not to her. I am not going to tell my parents about me going back to school. I figure, they will find out when I send out graduation invites. If I tell my dad, he has a knowledge that my mom doesn't, then she finds out, then finds out that he knew first and my dad's in the doghouse...again. See my mom has never really accepted my dad either. You know, she has never accepted anyone. I know it's not just me... Anyway, if I tell my mom, she tells my aunts and uncles, who tell my cousins and somehow, their lack of acceptance oozes it's way back to me and I am left wondering what I did wrong. I know that not much of this makes sense to a reader, but my internal dialogue and I get it. My point is, I need to be accepted for who I am. I don't get that from the one unit I should, so I seek it out. Please listen to me, take interest, maybe be proud to be my friend. Now to correct this in my parenting. I could gush, but that's not real. I could brag, but nobody likes that. I actually don't know the first thing about being proud of my babies. I am much more accepting of people who live outside the box than my mom ever was. But what about those differences that I find challenging. Like A1, is the slowest mother fucker I know. Seriously, nobody is slower. I can say I hate it! Everything take 5 times longer, like getting out of the car today. He had no shoes on. He knew we were going to get out of the car. And yet the three of us waited in the heat for him to get his damn shoes on. Or he has to finish a chapter or a story in those fucking highlights mags. I want to really believe that he is retarded so I can peg a reason for his slowness. "This is my oldest, A1, (whisper) He's retarded. We're working on getting his shoes on before we leave the house.." Why can't I accept that he is a slow mother fucker and actually plan for his need for extra time. He could be a series of periods after a sentence, a llllllloooooooonnnnnnnnggggg pause. I turn off the car, K and A2 open the door, I step out into the 100 degree heat. I turn to A1.........................................................he gets out of the car and shuts the door. We are on our way. Does he need the attention? This is not a new scenario, it did not just start because of the domestic turmoil. So feedback on this blog would be good. If A1 told me he was gay or, God forbid, wanted to join the military, I could accept that. But if he leaves the house again to go on a swimming play date and it dawns on him a half hour later that he didn't bring his trunks, I might kill him. I never wanted to be anything like my mom. I hate her parenting, so much that I almost hate her for it. I hate the way she raised me and taught me to raise my own. I have changed so much, but something as simple as acceptance is too much for me to change. Why?

She didn't really mean it, but she may have a point

The kids are home. They don't miss a beat. It's been loud, messy, stressful and, admittedly, funny at times. The three nights before they got home, I partied like a rock star. Drink, drank DRUNK. I was sober Friday night...until we got back to E's. Our annual Bunco for Boobs and Silent Auction was held on Friday. It was nothing like last year. This year barely anyone showed or spent. It was very disappointing. E was a little down after the auction, so I did what any friend would do, I took her dancing!! We had a really good time, I was even sober. On the way home we listened to sad music and talked and listened. When we got back to her house, she said something so sad. She said she would rather have never known true happiness and lived her life naive, than to feel the pain after the happy. The next morning, I asked her if she meant it, she said no, but I know part of me wishes it everyday. Why does there always have to be an opposite? Does anybody know happiness without pain? Does anybody know neither?

The rest of the weekend was fun. With a few exceptions. My Aunt B called and ripped me a new one. Various reasons, none of which I argued, but I had valid arguments. She will think what she wants and I give up caring. I am done with my mom's side of the family. In fact, I may be done with my mom. Hate is a strong word, so I choose the next word down from that. I knew there was a huge reason I choose amazing people as friends. They are my family, not those I was born into.

Went dancing Saturday night again. I got to drink this time. E blamed me for some of her pain. I feel like an asshole. What I said was true and from the heart, but some part of me thinks that she thinks I am trying to sabotage her. I know you read this, so let it be known that I am definitely not.

Hung with the kids on Sunday. That night I called HIM over to watch the kids while I grocery shopped. I got home and HE stayed... I am sick thinking about it. HE's moved HIMself back in. I am not sure if I move out what rights I am giving up. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I feel like a crazy person. Not breathing, crying, sobbing, frantically filling in holes in the backyard, doing laundry, moving HIS shit out of my room. I don't know if I can handle all of this. I think I may have to be committed soon. I am really alone in this. There are wonderful people around me, but nobody can do what I need to do. My world is in chaos and I can't get it orderly.

Where would I be now, if I had not allowed myself that brief and lustful happiness ten years ago?

Do you ever wish?

I wish I could melt into my favorite songs. Like I was the person who wrote the song or who it was written for. To have feelings so strong that they were worth writing songs about. I always wanted to write a blog of all song lyrics. I always add song lyrics to my posts, but sometimes they are too subtle or obscure to notice. I have been listening to alot of music lately. New songs, old favorites. It's funny how a song can bring up crazy memories or a new song can remind you of someone, someplace or sometime. "Blister in the Sun"-Violent Femmes, Kallee, Laura and me all in the front seat of Kal's dodge car with no shocks or struts. Bouncing along with a cooler full of soda in the trunk. Never without Dr. Pepper. That summer gas was 99 cents at the AM/PM. We filled up everyday and cruised around Mill every night. Java Road, Descendants God, break dancing on the corner where the PF Changs is now. "Bus to Beelzebub"-Soul Coughing, Brian, Kim, Linz, late nights, watching the sun rise, eating Taco Bell at 430 in the morning. Cruising Mesa, sitting on the window sill of Brians blue car, no shirt, just a bra after a monsoon storm. My first drag of a cigarette. Remember that, Brian? I almost fell off the car, or maybe I did. "Destination Course"-Spaceman Spiff, Mark, Kallee, Laura, AnnMarie, Lil' Kim, first show at the Nile, upstairs. Then later in the basement. "Tapin' up my Heart"- Mr. T Experience, Linz and I went to the coffee shop in downtown Mesa to meet before classes at MCC. Linz, remember TOM? Cute glasses boy. Bought my vintage record player at that coffee shop. Kathryn, remember that Piebald show and hanging at your house afterwards? Coloring books and crayons. "Lovefool"-the Cardigans. Meet and greet at Gibsons sponsored by Joe Trevino and Sony music. Hanging out with Nina, talking about their guest appearance on 90210. (Oh, the 9-er.....) Promise Ring, Mineral, 764-Hero, the beginning of Emo. Shows every night. The First Warp Tour at Desert Sky, 4th of July '96. Moshing, skanking, dancing, smuggling food in, saying I was diabetic. Skinny dipping afterwards til the sun rose. Jimmy Eat World playing free shows at the Nile. Westen, Lifetime, Safehouse, Pauls ex Kendra wanted to kick my ass, my grrls had my back. <3 Linz, Megan, Kim. Pharcyde and Souls of Mischief, my first hip hop show with Rob. My love of electronica started after the Prom when we went to that rave. My mom never found out. "I Cross My Heart"-George Strait, the only song I danced to at Prom. We looked good!! "Everything Sucks Today"-Descendants, night Ryan and I hooked up. 6 months later......."Pumpkin Eyes"-Silver Scooter, the test comes out positive and my life is upside down. "Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset"-Modest Mouse, 1998, Boston's with Melissa C, 8 months along, videotaping the massive amount of drugs coming out of Isaac Brock's deep pockets. "You Gave Your Love to Me Softly"-Weezer, wedding song. Lake Powell, 1999, blizzard, cold feet and cold feet (no typo) wrinkled shirt, smoking weed with my mom for the first and LAST time. During the last 9 years, I have been living in the past. Listening to old music. Wishing I was back there. Not realizing the memories I could have been making. "The Sweet Escape"-Gwen Stafani, the Cash Inn, my first Lesbian bar experience with Erin, trying to two step and line dance. I have two left feet. Ha! "Smack That"-Akon, El Dorado Hot Springs, Dixie, we weren't supposed to talk. It was supposed to be a totally introverted experience. Oh, well, we tried. Drove home from there in our bras. "Want To"-Sugarland, seriously too many memories to mention. Dixie, Erin, Justin. "I Can't Take It"- Lola, road trip to Powell with KimB. Dry Beaver Creek, spirit totems at mile marker 444, dreams and revelations. How many times did we listen to this? There are so many more music memories. I am trying to live in the present. The past was yesterday and it has made me who I am today. "You fall apart again, and you can find a friend. Don't turn to someone else, cuz they won't understand. Don't wanna hear you say that you miss yesterday, if you don't like what you see, that means nothing to me.." New experiences, new friends, old friends, memories. Maybe they were all written for me alone.

Making Decisions

So many things to decide. HE wants to move back in. I will have to leave if he does. I have lined up a place to live and the people are really great. I would have to leave my kids at home. I would drive home everyday to be with them, then leave at night. I would have to work almost every night. I have so much coming out right now I can't even type. Today is a good day. I am really weepy, but I am alone and have few plans. I'm going to see a sad movie later. I am going alone. I need to be alone, I guess. Really tho, what are my need vs my wants? I have so many plans this week. And none of them really have anything to do with what needs to be done. Alot of drinking involved. I am working my lame 4 hours tonight. There's always happy hour at Applebees after in case I need to get my drink on. My great Uncle Bud died on Saturday night. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I did have a dream a month ago that he would die, so I actually made peace then. The day of the dream, my mom called and told me that he was very sick and I already knew. So he's dead and I HAVE to go to the funeral. If I don't, and it should be my choice, but it's not, I will be even more shunned from the family. It will be very umcomfortable. I hate funerals. Let it be known that I do not want a funeral. I want all of my friends and family to take road trips to my favorite places and dump my ashes. No memorial service, NO fucking funeral or burial. Say goodbye in your own way, not some psuedo-traditional way. Anyway, I have to go to Tucson for this shit. Be supportive to a family who does not support me. Last week my sis K went to a party at my Aunt B's and they all asked her about me. Not one of those mother fuckers has bothered to pick up the phone and ask me. Fuck them. Then I am the asshole when I say that to them. So keep my mouth shut, or confront. Just another decision. So I keep thinking me living on my own will be good for me. But what about the kids? They are on a roadtrip right now with the inlaws. I don't really miss them. I am having fun. I know tho that it will get old after a while, right? I am afraid it won't. That I will be one of those mom's who doesn't live with her kids because she doesn't want to. I love my boys. I can't even deal with my thoughts for a blog. That's sad. I also need to get a better job, or promote, but I don't want to work at Target much longer. I should go back to school to make something of myself. But who's to say I haven't. I'm getting hot. This is getting stupid. Once again, I don't want to deal, so I am taking a shower and pretending like my life is great.

WWIII

Long day Friday. Supposed to dance with KR, but we both decided cancel would be better. Get home around 11. Gotta be up at 430am. Road trip in the morning. Clean sheets. Pack. Go to bed. Something on my head. Stray hair on my arm. What the fuck? Roach jumping from my arm to my bed. Running around and around. On my pillow. Under my sheets. On the headboard. Whap!! Fucking bastard, DIE!! Near miss, got it's hind. Runs behind my bed. Shaking and breathing hard. Holy fucking shit, what is flying at my head? It's a moth, it's a duck....it's the roach, coming in for the kill. Kamikaze stylie. I duck. It misses. Lands in the bathroom for refuel. My Flip Flop Fleet is already engaged. Bombs away. So long sucker. Still shaking. HE calls. Talking Talking Talking. Some story about a friend who fucked a local rock star in my bed 8 years ago. Holy shit, rebirth. On the door. No it's still on the bathroom floor. Another? God no!! It prepares to take flight, but my FFF is on it. Bam.Bam.Bam. Falls to the ground and before it can be taken hostage, it flees. Jesus Christ, there is a third.....and a forth. HE is still on the phone. Get the Raid HE says, you deserve this for kicking me out HE says, no one will help you now HE says. Hang up. I don't need this. Hysteria. Short breath, crying, shaking uncontrollable, pacing in small well lit square in living room. Call D. She will save me. Just keep me company while I wait out the attack. They must give up sometime. Surrender mutha fuckers, I yell. K, my sis, comes home. She has to pee. Don't go in there I yell. What the hell is in there, what did you do? Why are you hysterical? Roaches. A whole platoon. They sent one on recon and I killed it and they all came to kill me. She pees upstairs. D insists on talking to K. D wakes V. He's on his way. She's on hers. K reassures D that the pilot that started the attack was GINORMOUS!! Back up is on it's way. In the meantime, K and I are gearing up for the fight of our lives. There's one. Thwack!! The one I raided is twitching in the sink. Three down. Twelve to go. Fresh troops. V arrives. He's armed....with a candy cane? Well, moral support then. D walks in. Business casual in her jammies, killing machine flip flops and no bra. The hunt begins. By 2 a.m., the battle is over. Nine of their men were lost in battle. Three of ours lost sleep, but thank goddess, we walk away with our lives. K in bed. V and D go home. I try to sleep, but I now I suffer from PTSD. The battle is over, but the war is just beginning. Look out world. A sewer by you could be bombed at any time. Plug your sinks and tubs, close your outside doors, buy a cat (get it fixed), and arm yourself with bug killer. IT'S ON!!

What A Long Strange Trip

Holy Moley. I am stressing hard core right now. I'm at my folks house. Brought a friend with me. I was supposed to have this fucking fantastic weekend wakeboarding, but instead, I am wishing I was home. I guess I will start with last night, although this week deserves some props. I had no kids all week. I took care of four, yes four, sick people. I am really sick of sick people. I guess I am going to start on Monday even though it's Saturday night. E, A and I got back from Mexico around 2 am Monday morning. I actually can't remember Monday. I feel like I have lived lifetimes since then. Tuesday, I hung out with E almost all day. That night, we went to a Mercury game. I was wasted. What's new these days, huh? Anyway, I had a great time. I met some new people. One, I seem to be thinking about. I can't think about getting to know someone now. I am trying to know myself. I am really self conscious about all my baggage. It seems that I will get to know someone and they will find out about my situation and it will all be worthless. Besides, I don't need anyone in my life right now. That person would probably get sick too and I would have to take care of them. I am not resentful, ya'll, but a fourth person just got sick on me today and I just want everyone to be well. Back to tues. During the game, J texted me and basically told me to Fuck Off cuz i was already drunk when we were supposed to go get a drink together. Haven't talked to him since. Probably won't again. After the game, we thought about going out dancing, but the two I was with didn't want to and I was too drunk to go alone, cuz I shouldn't have been driving. So no dancing for me! On the way home, I laid some verbal vomit all over E. I told her alot of what was on my mind and it felt good. Later I was worried that she felt burdened. She did, but hopefully not anymore. I stayed up pretty late. Wed I woke up, found a wakeboard on Craigslist. Drove to fucking Queen Creek to buy it. On my way, HE called to offer me a job at HIS work for cash. I accepted, but after I found out that HE offered it to H first. Holy hell, H? Are you invading everywhere? Don't worry sista, I don't blame you. It just gets crazier for you. I work for HIM. After I leave, I go to E's and take her to the doctor. She is still swollen and generally shitty. After we get back from the doc, we hang out. Then A, her "not-girl", comes over and E jumps from one sym-pathetic to another. D called and wanted to go dancing...early, like 7. Nobody goes out that early, I tell her. She accuses me of blowing her off for E. Not even. E has A now, I have been replaced. Ha ha. I go home and D says she's on her way. By this time, its late. She gets there and she's fucking sick. Puking!!!!!! And she still wants to go out. The vibe sucks in the car. V is trying to be comforting. I am wanting to jump from the car. She eats, feels a little better. We go to Cash. I am trashed...again. Had another anyway tho. It's poker night there, so no dancing. Nice atmosphere tho. Moving on to Glam. Not a good scene. Moving again to BS West. What the hell, I'll have another. I danced my ass off. D joined a gay football league. That was funny. I was a third wheel again. That sucked, luckily, I was too drunk to really notice. We left pretty early cuz D got sick again. I was supposed to be at HIS work the next morning at 10. As you can imagine, I overslept. I called and said I was gonna be late. He gave me shit, so I decided I would earn his shit. I stopped at Mama Java's and J was there. I ended up talking to her for another hour. She told me to get a lawyer fast. She and I are very similar. It's like talking to myself sometimes. Anyway, that talk was really good. I was an hour and a half late for work. Ha ha. Thursday night I got my tongue re-pierced. Love it. Then I went to the Vine for a drink and dinner with HIM and my sis. C called and said she was so sick she couldn't move. I brought her crackers and vitawater and sat with her til she fell asleep. I went home, so ready for bed, then came 1:30am text from HIM asking me to text HIM that everything would be OK. I called instead. Big fucking mistake. We got in a huge fight. He kept on insinuating that I was a bad mother. That I put my "new lifestyle" ahead of my boys. I told HIM that I was getting a lawyer. There was an underlying reason why he was shitty tho. He has a crush on a girl. NO FUCKING WAY GUESS WHO? That's right H. Mutha Fucking H. Holy hell. First E then HIM. Wow. Well, I guess he can move on. I'm over it. He made an ass of himself I guess over text and so I spent the night on the phone with HIM. Til 4 am. I had to be up at 7 to get Ki to the doc at 75th Ave and Deer Valley. I'm up, I get her there and we hang all day. D calls freaking about the auction. Ki and I spent the afternoon looking at chics on myspace. She likes the more femme ones and I like them more boi. It was fun. She really let me in on a lot. I had no idea that she was so lesbian at heart. It was a real eye opener. Anyway I left there. Went to D's. Put on make-up all by myself. Usually my sis does it. I was supposed to go out with KR, but we mutually cancelled. I had a secret agenda and lost my guts. I wanted to go clubbing and hunting for the girl I met the other night. But it was not to be as I needed to be up at 430am to drive to Page to wakeboard all weekend. Which brings us to present day....I think. I have really lost track. Picked up Ki at 5am. On the road. Got here at 1030. Trip was really fun. We took a bunch of pics. When we got here, the house was tense as hell. My other sis was an argumentative bitch. My mom...well she was just herself. My dad and her fought all day. Put me down at lunch for letting baby K paint his face in drag. Ki was really mad and called them fuckers over text. Finally we are going out to the lake. I can't wait to get into the water. I am gonna pick it up quick and run with it. I should be pro by next year.... well I can dream. We waited in the sun for 30 minutes and Dad didn't show up with the boat. Turns out the brakes locked on the trailer. No wakeboarding for me. Ki is sick. She probably won't even go with us in the a.m. The trailer is fixed. I am really tired. I am also embarrassed about the fam. I just want to be home. Luckily, home seems to be text away. Thanks KR. Tomorrow we have a whole itinerary planned for the return trip. Hope at least that goes as planned. For now....

Loose

Not my giney, asshole!! No ma, I am really drunk right now. Who knows what will come out in this blog. Went to Mexico Saturday morning. Come home Monday morning around 2 am. I had a fucking blast. I do believe the only time I was sober was (not on the car ride, that's for damn sure) when I passed out at 7pm Sat night. At least all my friends passed out with me. What a strange ride this has been. Friday was fucked up. Drama with E and H. Holy fucking shit. I actually puked because I was so pissed. Never happened. I was shaking and crying and trying to hold it together for 7, yes 7 little kids, but I vomited. Situation, irrelevant. But the strangest thing happened. I immediately told them both, right then, that what they did was uncool, then I told them that I couldn't talk to them right then and later I called each separately. I know what I felt and i remember my hands shaking and the puking, but I don't recall the feeling. I was, am, not even pissed anymore. Tonight I went out to see the Mercury play. Fun shit. Met some hot girls. Hung out with E's "girlfriend", not H, names A. A is a really cool girl. We are going to hang with the 'rents on the lake this weekend together. Kinda funny actually. I actually asked E if it was OK, which I really didn't need to do. Less drunk now. Talked to sis on the phone. Going now to bed. G'Night. More later, cuz I have a feeling today had some serious breakthroughs. My cobwebs are gone. Literally and figuratively.

I Have Smoke Down My Pants and Other Things I Like

*I like taking a cold shower and feeling the heat of the day run off the top of my head and down my back.
* I like the lonely sound underwater.
* I like the perceived sound a zit makes when you pop it.
* I like random hugs from friends.
* I like the songs of the night birds.
* I like catching myself in the mirror and really liking what I see for just a second.
* I like deciphering sloppy T9 texts. They make me laugh.
* I like the warmth that runs through my body at the beginning of a buzz.
* I like daydreaming in my bed while the real world is in full swing around me. I like more when my daydreams really happen later on.
* I like that rare feeling of an instant connection with a stranger. It happens to me when I need it most.
* I like the anticipation of a first kiss.
* I like reading other peoples blogs.
* I like to wake up Sunday morning, log onto Post Secret and cry while nobody is around.
* I like the sound of sirens. It reminds me of running code with my dad when I was a kid.
* I like the smell of clothes saturated with smoke. I love my daddy.
* I like being a part of inside jokes.
* I like having a psychic moment. Like knowing who's on the phone while it's ringing (no caller id) or thinking about a person from the past and them turning up in my life moments later. Both things happen quite often.
* I like how the TV gets really loud then fades when you fall asleep with it on.
* I like remembering my dreams. Like last night I dreamed I was eating dog food. I have been reading Running With Scissors.
* I like how I feel like I lost an amazing friend when I finish a good book.
* I like knowing that friend could be a dust cover away if I need them again.
* I like how three months ago I was emotionally blocked, hadn't cried in years, and some shit went down and now I cry when my carpool kid plays a solo of Amazing Grace in the school's end of year concert.
* I like interpreting body language while I am people watching.
* I like making up my own dialogue for Spanish soap opera's based on tone and movement.
* I like wearing no underwear and knowing that nobody knows, but some would like to.

So since I told myself enough is enough, I feel pretty fucking good. Had a little jealous pout the other day and felt really dumb afterwards. Anyway, I am getting my shit done. Little by little, by and by and all that jazz. I actually love all these things listed above and I know there are so many more nuances that make me want to live for a long time. I really love my boys. As for the smoke down my pants, I'm on that. Ciao.

Just for Today

I will not wish I was something I am not. I will not hope to be anyone I can never be. I will accept my limitations. I am who I am today. I can change and today I accept that the change may be slower than I want. I cannot live in this rut anymore. So today I will set small goals for myself and be proud when I accomplish them, but if I don't complete one, but for lack of trying, I will add it to my list tomorrow. I am one person and I have to stop sometime, but I cannot be lazy anymore. Nor can I let emotion hold me down. No more weeping. The change is in me, the motivation is here.

Alrighty then, where that came from I don't know, but seriously... I have to stop all this emo shit. I am allowed to be emotional, but that's all I am right now. Crazy insane. I analyze everything to fit this awful preconceived notion. I make bad things happen when I do that. Wow there is more daily mantra in me yet.

I'm logging off now before I start a program to "get you motivated". I did start a program on Saturday. "Pre-Hydration and Re-Hydration to prevent De-Hydration". That's good shit. It's a drinking thing...it works. If you would like the whole program contact me. I will hook you up!! Pretty much guaranteed no hangover.

Broken Eggs

E and I had a long talk last night which left me feeling sick to my stomach and even more hopeless. Not her fault. Everything she said was right. I do need to make the changes necessary to be happy again. I do need to make myself do it because I am so unmotivated that I will just get more depressed if I don't do something now. I also realized, after crying all morning, that I ALWAYS put all my eggs in one basket. And I ALWAYS drop my basket and my dreams break and ooze all over the place. My soul exposed...again. And even though I know this, I feel like I can't stop it. I took off my wedding ring last night and put it away. A sad step to move forward. There is nothing attached to it, but I really don't want HIM to hurt anymore. Or is it that I don't want to see HIM being mopey anymore. Do I have guilt? Impossible, I don't harbor such emotions. Well maybe I do...how's your stomach, E? Ha. Moving on, like let's say to someone foreseeing me with a man taking care of me... I just don't see that and here comes that nauseating pull on my insides. I have never and will never need a man to take care of me. I am guessing, however, that because we were stoned at time of conversation, that this person meant, perhaps, someone who will let me be vulnerable. The crushing part is that, going back to the eggs, it was a man foreseen. I am really freaked out about typing this, but I had just a little hope that girls were in my future because maybe that's what was to fill in my lifelong void. Maybe if I had some sort of identity, I would be whole. Maybe if I had something concrete, something I knew for sure in my life, that I could be happy for once. Truly happy. Now, maybe not. I mean one person's opinion really could mean nothing or everything. I am a raft losing air, collapsing in on myself, sinking deeper into a nowhere. Well I just cried, again, and I am going to publish this and probably feel foolish when I reread it in a few days. I accomplished a goal last night when I took that ring off, now a million more small goals to conquer. Each one will lead me to my yet undetermined goal for life. For now though, the proverbial hen can keep her eggs, I can't look at another yoke for a while.

here I am on the up

Just a day after devestation and I am up up up. The difference is that I have not been alone since yesterday around 4. I didn't realize how much comfort my kids give me. Just them being around is comfoting in a way. A2 is playing alone and K is sleeping, but I know they are here. So alone with my thoughts, bad. I met someone today. Not that kind of someone. She is already way involved, but her story is very similar to mine. Married with kids, chose girls and happiness, got divorce, happy with girl. We are gonna hang out some time and talk. My sister KP was with me at the time and she said something that made me realize that although I mostly don't think so, I am an okay mom. She said *I love parents like my sister who let their kids be themselves and they accept it.* (The girl I met has a son who dresses in drag and plays with brats dolls. He's 8.) What an awesome kid and mom. I openly accept my children. My slow (not mental, but physical, literally) 8 year old. My pistol 7 year old. And my 4 year old Dr. FrankNFurter. I love those boys, that's not to say I don't get frustrated, cuz I do often. Things are bad in my head right now. I am all twisted and half of the time fucked up, but I will learn to live within my boundries. I can take flight unrestricted without hurting anyone, when I figure out how. For today, because who knows what tomorrow's sun will bring, I am okay. I think I am still a little fucked up from last night, but that's helping I suppose. I would be afraid for me, if I wasn't me, if I read this last week of posts. Holy Hell.

I am in HELL

Saturday, no one home. I have no gas in my car. No biggie, right? I'm a big girl, grown up, I can get gas for my car, except I can't. I have 35 dollars in my account. What to do, what to do? I have no food in the house, I need gas for the car, and HE has the money. Probably not much left though, being as he had to get his paycheck early so we could pay mortgage. So money is just a small fraction of this hell that is my life. I will make money without having to work, even if one of my best friends did take my business from me. I was too lazy to make anything of it, so she did. I just want to sleep forever. Not deal anymore. No more. The house is a FUCKING pig sty. I can't control those boys and what's more is that I don't want to. I don't want to be their mom anymore. They yell at me, hit me, tell me they hate me, I let them, I deserve it, right? I allowed myself to be careless and selfish and I need to take it. I don't take that shit from anyone. Except 3 assholes under 10. I want to be gone. I hate this house and all the dreams I thought would be connected to it. I hate everything. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate myself. I hate that I am not a good mom or house keeper. I hate that I don't want to be good at either of those. I hate that I don't have a talent. I hate that I admire so many and I can't even look at myself. I hate that everyone I meet is better than me. I hate that I don't want to be better. I want to be curled up somewhere far away, no people around me. I'll go out tonight. I will smile and make people laugh. I will be charming and fun and happy, but I am dying inside. I could snap at any moment. Thank god for vodka. Although I am almost out of that too and I know I need gas and food first. I have to start on cleaning the house AGAIN. The little assholes aren't home to wreck it for another 5 hours, then the process begins again. I hate this life, this hell. The only thing missing is brimstone.

read between the h's

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True Story

Two Target employees walk into a Walgreens. The one tries several hairpieces on her tits, the other a squirrel on her giney. Short, bald Wal-ployee squatting in the toy aisle. "Excuse me, can you tell me where you keep the beaver food?" (Secret snickering from the adjoining aisle.) "The beaver food? I'm not sure we carry beaver food. We do have rabbit food though." "But we have a beaver, not a rabbit." "Doesn't your beaver eat wood?" Holy fucking almost lost it, but then this comes. "No...our woodchuck does though..." Can't hold it... "Let's just go check by the rabbit food." Follow, follow, follow... "We have Kibbles N Bits." "My beaver doesn't want Bits..." Second Target employee- "Can't Pussy wait to eat until morning?" Oh no she did not, oh yes she did... "You named your beaver Pussy?!" Two Target employees look at said Wal-ployee. "Um, yeah, what's wrong with that?" Can't hold it any longer, going to burst. Walk run to the door, "Thanks, and our beaver, Pussy thanks you too." Holy tight fuckin' abs after that shit. A, you fucking made my night!!!!!

Will this fucking nightmare end?

Just goes on and on and on. Like I will be running forever. Always exposed. It started as a bad dream and I thought I could control it, but now I feel queasy all the time. My hands shake, my mind can't focus. All I have are my dreams that I can't remember most of the time. I can't make it all go away. I just want some peace from this anger swirling around me. I can't make myself love HIM. I can't. My heart is in a million and one pieces, scattered throughout the earth. One piece with every person I have ever met. Some people have bigger fragments than others. I want them all back. I want to feel whole again. I don't even remember what whole feels like. Whole is probably as desolate as this fraction of heart I live with now, but without experience. I said I wished I was dead and maybe whole for me would be dead. You gave me back my ability to feel raw. To be vulnerable, except, then, you left me there to figure how to cover up again. Clothes-napping while I was skinny dipping. Not even a towel. I am falling falling falling and it feels like I will never touch grounded and well and healthy. I am falling asleep, the only reprieve I have from this nightmare called ME.

It's the big M.D.

The dreaded day has arrived.HE gave me a ...Thank you card? I don't get it. If HE chose that beause he knows that I hate the commercialism of M.D., then why even support Hallmark at all? A Thank You Card? The boys gave me a mothers day card and A1 gave me a crocheted pot holder and A2 gave me a hand made book mark, which is perfect because i just bought new books. I am pretty into all of the books i bought. I forget how much I love to read and I never realize how carried away I become in outside life until i have to remember that I love reading. So desperate to get out, I forget to go in sometimes. I spent all day away from my kids. They went out and when I knew they would come back in, I went out. I went to K's (the K stands for her real name, but I call her by a nickname, so K will henceforth be known as D, cuz I get confused, plus my littlest one is K) to swim while she and her family were out. It was a perfect afternoon. I was safe, I could read and swim and get out and feel relaxed, even if it was only for 2 hours. I may have hit on something there. Safety. Could it be that I don't feel safe when HE is around? I don't mean physical harm, although I could probably take someone in a fight before HE could. I mean , safe from anger, name calling, accusing eyes, rumor starting, HIS eminating depression and so on. Nah, that's just an excuse. I just don't want to feel guilt. Lost my thoughts. A1 was digesting loudly and couldn't sleep cuz the grumble was too much. Gave him water, read the LCC and tried to come back here. No go. Bis morgan.

Why

everyday i wonder why you are in my life. why you haunt my thoughts. i wonder why i put up with your shit and come back for more. why do i let you hurt me over and over? at first I thought I knew why, but it's all different now. you are inconsistant and inconsiderate. you don't know a thing about my life, or so it seems. everyday i want to hear from you. at first, i wanted badly to contact you, but in time, i have realized you will call me when you need to. every broken plan, every un-thought-through word that comes from you slices my skin, opens up a new wound and a new wonder, makes me feel sick to be a part of this fragment of my life. why? why do you do it? why do i let you? why? i know you have no idea you are doing it. this is normal for you. i just wish i knew why.

I Hate Mother's Day Because I Don't Deserve It

So I thought I could just let it go as just a title, but there is too much left unexplained. Last night was one of those nights I always need, but dread. A cry night. I was so distraught, I called a new-ish friend. That didn't work out. No offense, but "Just do it" wasn't really what I was looking for. I know what I need to do and it is hard. If I do the math, divorce immediately effects 5 people, then our parents make 9, then our siblings make it twelve, their kids make it 17. Then all of our friends lose a little hope as well. Hope for their own rocky futures. Hope for their own sliding relationships. Then there is my hope. All is lost right now. I am so down, I don't see a way out. I am confused about my sexuality, my future, my kids, whom, at the moment are confused themselves, about what is right vs. what is necessary. I have to re-evaluate all my dreams, reconfigure my goals, learn a new way of life. I have to find a really inventive way to make a living without going to a job. For the first time in my life, I am not sure I have it in me. My energy is drained. My walls are being built higher and higher with each new hurt. I am running so fast and far, I can't see what is right in front me and I know there must be something. There just must be. Today HE texted me and used a code I use on my blog. Is HE really violating my last attempt at privacy? Or is HE just as creative as I am? As for the title of this heavy entry, I feel like I don't even know my kids. I am my mom...that makes me feel sick. I can be that cool mom, but I will never be a great mom. All I see is surface. Some people can look at their kids and really know them, I just don't have it in me. I always whine about intimacy, but my poor boys lack it so severly from t heir mom, I should be taken away from them. They never asked for me to be in their lives, it was forced. I remember when they were babies, I had such dreams for them. Now I hope they survive the daily mental abuse I dish. When they grow up will they be assholes like him or me? Would it be better if I wasn't in the picture? No. I know the answer to that. I am the mom from YaYa Sisterhood. Ashley Judd, just not pretty. I go from cool to huge mean bitch in two seconds. All I need is a bunch of pills. I am going to go to the batting cages to beat the hell out of some balls, since I was let down yet again. Too tired to think and it's only 3pm. Mom's day is tomorrow, do you think they will know what i am thinking when I open their beautiful handmade gifts?