Hey Fat Man!!

Why do you constantly want to pick fights with me around your girlfriend? You don’t have to prove the size of your dick to us. (Un)Fortunatly, we both are in the know. By the way, if you keep eating like that, it will be harder to find your dick. No worries though, a man really isn’t measured by the size of his cock, but by how he treats his family, how he provides for them, how he shows love for them. There, my for-custodial-purposes-only friend, is where you really lack. I hate to say it, but being a man doesn’t really fit your boy-size body. (Oh, by the way, I cut the footies off your jammies this morning. The hole left by your machete for a toenail, was un-mendable.) So stop picking fights with me. I didn’t do anything, but walk up onto the porch while you and your gf were talking about something amazing like Justice League or Batman or world peace. (I threw that last one in to be funny..) It makes her uncomfortable, which is why I don’t fight back. Also, I find your third chin a little distracting because it and the second one flap together and compete with the visual space that is your mouth and I can’t figure out where the words are coming from. Congrats on the chin pubes though. Where’d you find a place that would implant leg hair onto so many layers of face? Anyway, have a good night. As always, hope your dreams are full fuzzy unicorns and buxom babes in leopard print.

To You: Excerpts From Anne Sexton

Love? Be it man. Be it woman.
It must be a wave you want to glide in on,
give your body to it, give your laugh to it,
give, when the gravelly sand takes you,
your tears to the land. To love another is something
like prayer and can’t be planned, you just fall
into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief. <– Anne Sexton

I have learned so much over the last nine months about myself, my world, my life, my behaviors and my connections to them all. I can tell you my journey has only just begun and will only end when I die. I measure my life in what I envision will be said about me after I die. My legacy, I suppose.

(Totally incomplete, but as I stare at it, I can't remember my train of thought, so I end it now. Unfinished.)

Soft, Loud, Obnoxious, Appropriate

I am truly alone in this world. And that’s okay. I have a wonderful girlfriend. I have three beautiful boys. I have a D. I have a home and friends I can lean on. My life is complete. So what am I getting at? I am alone in my thoughts. Nobody else is in my head. There are not many mind readers in my realm. Therefore, I must learn to be clear in what I say, what spews from my brain to my spout. It’s not that I don’t think about what I need to convey, I think I over-think it. Then I vomit words and I have to clean them up before I can really get to the core of what I am trying to say. Sometimes, I feel like I should stop talking altogether, like Chuck. (Amazing Grace and Chuck, an awesome 80’s movie) Of course, Chuck stopped talking in protest to nuclear warfare. That’s beside the point. I am learning. My life is a journey. I remember being a kid and speaking so softly that my teachers used to have to tell me speak up. Then, when I finally found my voice, my family liked it better when I was a mute. Not to mention that I mostly didn’t think before I spoke. I am blunt; bet you didn’t know that. So then I had to learn that there is a time and a place for certain words, comments, suggestions and the like. Now here I am, having learned all these lessons, and now I must learn to just process enough, not over-process. I have to learn to be concise and eloquent. I won’t always make sense, but I will certainly try. Oh, except here, on this blog. It’s my place to ramble, to spit out whatever is on my mind. This is my lesson of the month. I should write a lesson learned every month, although, I think I may be learning them more frequently, since I am open to suggestions!!

Reflections of 2007

Garden Club, somewhere in Phoenix, last night. It’s a woman’s group. A support group. What do I need support for anyway? I have lived this long without a support group, but my beautiful friends have been inviting since, really the first moment I met them. So, I’m there, I’m listening to what they have to say about why they joined the group and how long they’ve been going. It occurs to me that I have had the biggest year of my life, so far. So I’m going to recap, because even though this all happened to me, I didn’t recognize the magnitude of my journey, until now. I didn’t acknowlegde what a full life I have lived in the past year, how much I have grown, how instrumental my openness to life has been in my progression.

2006 was a rotten year. Fighting, complaining, fighting, gossiping, fighting. I decided that 2007 would be my year. “I am turning thirty. I am going to embrace the next decade and remake my life. Redefine my existence.” But how? Just turning thirty won’t be enough, but how things have unfolded surpassed anything I may have ever dreamed.

My thirtieth birthday was spent with my, still and always, best friend D. She rented a cabin for us in Heber-Overgaard, AZ. There was a huge snow storm. We almost didn’t make it before the road closed for the weekend. We woke up on my birthday to a fantastic snow storm. I ran outside in my jammies and played in the snow. My Pagen goddess knew what she was up to when she made my world so beautiful the moment I awoke to my new decade. That day, we met a beautiful couple who run a coffee shop and two young men who, because of car trouble, crossed our path. We drank, played in the snow, drank, ate, drank and has such special times. D, I don’t think you could ever know how important you are in my life and what a perfect beginning to my life makeover you gave me.

A beautiful, painful, hopeful and always rewarding friendship sprouted in March. She is such an amazing woman. I fell in love with her. We had a brief period of more than friends. And a heartbreaking, for me, end to this brief period. I often beat myself up about that. How could I have let my guard down? How could I let myself get so hurt? How could I feel so much, so soon? But I was feeling. I am feeling. I am no longer numb. I wanted so badly to be around her, that I endured many painful hours listening to her talk about all the other woman she was lusting after. I let myself down over and over when I went out with her and one of her girls. I’d get my hopes up when she said the words to me that I could manipulate into what I thought I wanted to hear. Eventually I accepted that we were just going to be friends. In the meantime, she allowed me to enter her world. She taught me things, she let me learn things for myself. She takes me down to the deep and dark and she lifts me up to brighter days. She’s my roller coaster ride. I love her so much, sometimes I wonder if she really knows how much and sometimes I wonder why I love her so much. She continues to break my heart in new and painfully purposeful ways.

I asked HIM to move out in March. HIS first weekend gone, I had to cal HIM back. After that HE lived in HIS office. I can’t even imagine how that felt to HIM. I actually, coldly, don’t really care. HE wasn’t kind to me during that time. For a long time, I felt it was my duty to accept that emotional pain HE was inflicting on me because I hurt HIM first. I initiated the end of the marriage. I gave up hope for our family to be together forever. I still have not really allowed myself to deal with HIM, so this paragraph is short. Suffice it to say that my marriage terminated in 2007.

After E, I had short, meaningless flings with other woman. I learned not to let my guard down. I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone for a long time. I made out here and there, but I never gave into the temptation of something real. I went to two pride festivals this year. One was here in AZ and the other was in San Diego. In SD, I met and made out with a chic I thought was super cool. We spoke on the phone every day. We read a book together, long distance. She was a breath of fresh air for me. Smart, funny, cute and far away. Far away enough to not let myself fall. Go me!! After another visit to SD, she called me and told me that she was an asshole, a pot head, a jerk and whatever other demeaning thing she could think of. She wanted to push me away. I suppose what she didn’t realize was that I was not anywhere close. I called her out on it. She said she didn’t want to start a relationship, I’m not quite sure when I gave her the impression that I did. Anyway, we are once again on speaking terms. She has stopped what she deems as destructive behavior and is making amends of sorts. I think she is amazing for changing that about herself.

E motivated me to stand up for myself, to advocate for me, to better myself. But how? I was a sexually confused, busy with everything but me, mom of three small children. (Children who I didn’t even really know.) I had an estranged husband, who woke up only to call me names and degrade me. Until one day, I finally snapped. HE couldn’t make me feel anything. I am in charge of my feelings. And HE of HIS. I am no longer responsible for how HE feels or what HE does with those feelings. I signed up for classes, a course of study. I am going to be someone after I am done being a mom, but wait, I will never be done with that. I STARTED SCHOOL!!! Something that was dream with many excuses. I received grants and loans, I studied, I passed. I did better than pass. I exceeded my goals. I earned the highest grade in my math class. 115% overall. I am a smart cookie!! Woohoo!!

I am finally sticking up for myself with my family. I am so tired of being the black sheep because they say I am. I was yelled at one too many times. The thought of unconditional love is only associated with my friends, the family I choose for myself. That is not the way it should be. I should be able to count on my birth family for anything. I have withheld my company and my children. It’s almost more than I can bear. I hate doing this, but I can’t let my children around people who don’t respect my beliefs. I don’t expect them to adopt them for their own lives. In fact I have little expectation for my family. I guess that’s what happens when I get let down over and over.

I met someone. She is beautiful, amazing and so gentle with my tender heart. She accepts me for who I am. She challenges me, she always calls me out when I contradict myself. I have met my match. She has her own convictions and beliefs, she doesn’t need mine.

What will I take from 2007? Everything it had to give me. I have only begun to decipher Jen, but I will continue to be open to myself and the universe. New friends, new challenges, new love. I will never forget my history, my-stand-by-me-through-anything friends, my losses. Everyday is a new journey. Everyday will bring happiness and may also bring pain. I have really begun to observe my patterns and I can choose to change them. I met my children this year and, really, they met me. We are rediscovering each other as I type. Thanks to all of you who have been with me, stay with me or are new to me. You help shape me to who I am and will be. Even those of you who are complete assholes. You remind me why i never want to be unhappy again and why it is so important for me to be kind.

There are four days left in this year and I intent to make each one of them life changing. Who knows who or what will come into my life in that time. So 2008, you will not defeat me, I own you!!!!!! Much love and peace!!!!

* With one day to go, I came out out my dad. He said he already knew. He only had one question, “Is this an experiment?” Ha! It was actually anti-climactic. So now only 11 hours to go, and the world is mine.

Hi Hazel

So I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Iraq and wondering what really happens to us if you go. Is it really an eventuality? You go and my life here keeps moving on, just with an empty bed and an empty, searching heart. Your life, on the other hand, goes in fast forward. Combat training, more computer training, learning a new culture, meeting new people. You change, you grow. As will I, but in more subtle ways. What if you see things you can’t explain? What if your friends die? What if I am not enough to support you when you get back? What if you don’t come back? Four months is a blink of an eye, when it’s through. It will be an agonizing first month, followed by a time of acceptance, then you are back. But, who is coming back?

My chest feels like it is caving in on itself. My stomach is queasy. My mind is racing a million miles a second. My heart hasn’t beat normally since we talked this afternoon in your car. My soul is searching for reasons why I met you now. Why I love you so. What is my lesson? Is it patience? I can patiently wait for you. Our lives will continue, but together? Hopefully. And stronger.

I know I am crazy to be thinking all of this stuff now; it’s not like you have orders to leave. As much un-planning as I do, there is also a fair amount of anxious future planning. I like to fly by my seat, but this seems different. I could have a girlfriend serving a sentence in Iraq, IN A WAR, for Goddess’ sake. So many things about that one statement are so completely unlike anything I could have ever imagined for myself.

You have come out of nowhere; I was blind-sided one night at the Cash Inn Country. You, in your hat, with your newly exed girlfriend, arriving with a girl I am dating. What are the fucking chances that this would blossom into so much more than a bathroom four way (well threesome for me, hahahahaha!!!)? When did love become so difficult? Who would have thought this STUPID war would effect me so much more than rearranging my schedule to protest it?

I just want you to say Fuck You to THEM. Out yourself, it’s your ticket out; but I know I wouldn’t do it. I would stick it out because I signed up for it, with full knowledge of what the job entailed. I will tell you right now though, I WILL FIGHT and PROTEST ‘TIL THIS WAR IS OVER and no other person has to go through these same emotions.

So when I write you, can I pick a boys name to write to you from, so I can send explicit mail? I could be your back home boi friend. Can I tell you I love you on the phone? How often will we get to hear each other’s voices? Can I keep your cologne with me, so I can smell you when I want? Can we have phone sex? Ok, ok, I already know that answer..but I can still ask, right?

I love you babe. In this short time, I have fallen in love. You are beautiful, amazing, patient, graceless (at least on the trampoline), caring, accepting of my crazy ways, funny and my perfect match. My missing puzzle piece. You will always have a little piece of my heart.

I think I can finally sleep now,

J

Her Response: New Home

I was going to have a couple drinks
But two turned into five
Any other time, I'd have thought myself crazy
For this full-on nose dive

Waters whose currents
were a mystery
Lands unknown
My heart, by a thread
My sleeve, its' new home

But somehow
It beats in my chest
Heavy, Fast
The rhythm making its' way
To my hips and the Rest
Of

My body
Warm, with the meeting of
blue and hazel, alone

Current's back
More familiar now
You remind me to breathe
I had forgotten how

Both Hands

Beautiful.
Considerate.
Talented.
Soft.
Amazing.
Sexy.
Smart.
Willing.
Strong.
Athletic.
Healthy.
Sensual.
Accepting.
Flattering.
Compassionate.
Wonderful.

It seems I can't think of any more words.
It also seems I'm falling hard.
Someone, no one, help me.
My heart is so full.

Slight dread.
Pushing out those thoughts.
74 of 82 days left.
Renewal, Endorsement.

So warm, even alone.
You.
Me.
Nobody else exists.

This is what it feels like.
No what if's.
No wondering if it's real.
It's nice to be conscience again.

Too Exhausted to Make Sense

So I think KTJ and I are on the outs, but I am really not sure. She told me we could be "lover-friends". Whatever that means..Stupid stoney conversations. She says my relationships are too complex. In a way she is correct, I addressed this in my well-liked Boundaries blog. E and I are not doing so good. I am really sad about that. She's my girl and I really miss her. I am still just as dependable and reliable as I ever was, just can't move yet. I am on the job hunt again. God, there is so much to write about today that I don't even know where to start. I am falling behind in school work. I am a little freaked about that. The KTJ thing is on my mind. E situation abounds. My dad asked my sister if I was gay, then told her it didn't matter anyway as long as I was happy. Why couldn't he ask or tell me those things? And if he thinks it, my mom must, but she barley speaks to me, so that isn't a conversation we will be having anytime soon. Did I mention I am stressed about school. I should be reading now, but all U want to do is nap. I have an exam tomorrow. I have met several new woman lately. I also made out alot last night. It ws a bathroom 4some. I actually avoided kissing one of them, thank Goddess. Unfortunatly tho, one of them is KTJ's best friend and the other is the bf's ex. Oh, I think it valid to mention that KTJ knows and/or saw. I guess I pretty much fucked that up. In my defense, what little defense it is, KTJ was there with another girl. I am not sure if the girl was lez tho. She came off as straight girl to me, but she was all over KTJ, so I don't know.I haven't talked to KTJ since because I went way over my minutes this month. Like I'm thinking $50 over... Ouch. So I am on the hunt for a job and an apartment. I have to get out of this house, away from HIM. I have never lived on my own in a cozy little place and I think it's time I do that. Of course I would bring the kids, so I wouldn't be totally alone. HE will get them Tues/Thurs and every other weekend. I think it's better for the kids cuz HE is really mean to them. I hate HIM more and more every day. I am happy without a man in my life. The women in my life give me everything I need. Hmmm....I never thought about it like that before. There is really very little I need from a man. I like that. This is so random. Sorry for whoever reads it. Space Cadet out!

10-4

As I was driving home down 48th Street last night, I realized that I had been down this road already once today. Where were the arrows and the orange encouragement signs? There was no sign of the greatness that walked through there just 8 hours before. It was all gone. A job well done. To think I was dreading this year. And it turned out to be our best event yet. I was nervous that we wouldn't be able to work as a team. It came to me yesterday how much the Shoemaker/Paul split bothered me. I understand that things change and evolve, but I don't always have to like it. Right? At the event there is not much drama. People have a job to do and they do it. There is down time and play time and work time. And all goes smoothly. Why isn't real life like this. We have a job, we do it. It's time to play, we play. Everybody takes resposibility for themselves and their actions. It's as close to magic as I get. Then it ends. Just like that. Celtic music, tears, goodbye for a year and poof. Hell returns. Some of my most cherished friendships have been made during this annual journey. New ones are being forged as I type. My phone was off, but once or twice a day for three days, I left my computer at home. My focus was on my task and my experience. Sometimes I see something that reminds me of the event and I want to tell someone; they can listen, but they will never feel the warmth in my heart. Upon returning to my real life, I chose to do my best to not participate in the drama anymore. I need to figure my life out. I need to really examine what is important to me. It will take me sometime. These are some highlights from the weekend. "Drink, pee, no IV!". (Commas optional.)Mardi gras. "Kill Cancer, Get him!!" Whiffle ball, frisby, football. Oh shit, that hit someone's tent, play dead. Nipple tat's and flashing. Suspended by packing tape to a side of a Ryder truck. New friends, old faces. Love. D-runk! "Nice mule, do you ever do sweet jumps?" I won a spirit pin. (That really meant alot.) "Who rocks the house, I say the crew rocks the house, and when they rock the house, they rock it all the way down! Hey!!" Petting the kitty, getting kicked off stage. HOT Cory on her Harley! Holy hell sister! Hugs. Feeling someones beating heart with my own. A previously withheld hand laid on a shoulder out of remembered love and reverence. Weak hello's and strong goodbyes. The same food that tastes good all over. Pillow sharing with a very new friend. Rubbing really gross feet. Budget truck donuts in a ghetto parking lot. Drive by diet coking. "H2hO is in the hizouse...." The walky with the most gas. Cow bell. 10-bitch100. Bloody bone mentionings. Interupted sex dream....twice. Laughing with Elizabeth while she was having an asthma attack and further worsening it, but it was worth it, right Elizabeth. Seeing Sheryl at the finish line after seeing her connected to an IV. Mary finished all 60 miles after she passed out. Eat Mary, gosh. Tara, Luca and Jill, the Alaskan Airlines flight attendants. Helpless clit fondling. Serving the food with Ashley, hopeless without my walky! Mysterious Misty, started alone, but I'll be damned if I was going to let her finish alone!! WeTodd, Kim Teely, Alan, Christy, Helena (the closeted lez, you know you are, quit fooling yourself), Hot showers, warm hearts, cool nights, cold water; all in a weekends work.

Setting Boundaries

What will this cost me? Could be everything, I suppose. I could lose my friendship, the closeness we have. I have to do something. I am a really touchy feely person and to lose touch will be devistating to me. I have lived so many years without intimacy, without feeling like I was wanted as a person, not a body. I lived without wanting to be with the person I was with, without wanting to touch or be touched. Now I yearn for it. Now I look for it everywhere. Now she says she wants to be my uncomplicated friend. My friend who is my rock. Until all my complex relationships are solved. Complex? Solved? What does this all mean? She's right. But I had to figure out on my own what I think she was saying. Thank goddess for D because it would have taken my dense head forever to figure this one out. I have no boundaries. My need for physicality and sexuality may have cost me something good. And to put a stop to what little intimacy I have may gain me nothing from her, but in the long run will I find what I am looking for? This half relationship I have with her is intense. It borders on abusive, more than I like to admit. Can we redefine our friendship without destroying it? Without destroying eachother? KTJ doesn't want to get hurt. I know in my heart what my relationships are and but I don't know the order of priority... I know that I should come first no matter what, but I don't know how to do that without someone else getting hurt. I am going to have to be alone for a bit. But where, how? I am also going to really have to open my heart up to several people, at my own risk, knowing full well that it will hurt so bad. Am I strong enough? Do I really have it in me? So many complicated issues. How did I let myself get here? How will I get out? It used to be easy, my thoughts were to clean my house, clear my mind. But, it's really not like that, is it? My mind can't be cleared. My heart is a mess and I don't know how to fix it. When did I become....me? How can I change me? How can I let go of the past and forge to the future? I'm pullin away from it all so that I can gather my thoughts. I will talk to you each individually. I am afraid. Terrified of the outcome. Of my future. Of not ever being wholly loved. By myself.

I Fucking Hate Pretentious AZ Bitches

What is up with girls in Az? There are some really cool chics, but mostly dumb assholes. I didn't want to fuck. Jesus Christ I didn't even want her number. I just wanted to dance, motherfucker. Just shake my groove thing. But newsboi bitch couldn't even say no. I didn't really even want to dance with her. Just wanted to get JLB a little sumpin sumpin. But shit, yo. You think I just asked her to have my finger in her butt. God Damn. I mean, it was a dance, I didn't even like the song. Her shit do stink, prolly worse than mine. KTJ just rocks. JLB rocks too. I totally rock. E woulda rocked if she weren't so lame tonight. Did I mention I like vicaden? BS was in a shitty mood again. But she was really hot and I almost forgot she's one of them. Stuck up fuckheads. Fuckin' bitches. Geez.Suck it AZ motherfuckers. Eat twat, but not mine, cuz honestly, it's too tasty to be wasted in your mouth. I'm feelin' done now. Better. A little. Fuckin' whores.

This Jealousy

So I'm seeing this girl, KTJ and there seems to be a little jealousy that is coming from two people in particular. It comes across as negative words and thoughts and at times anger and frustration. It makes me feel sad, confused and a little resentful. I have listened to and watched both of you with your exploits. I have been happy for you. I have given my ear and my shouder when you needed it, but now that the roles are reversed, you both are not there for me. Say something kind. I feel happy when I am with her. She has her demons, just as I do and you do. I admit, I feel a little sad when I feel left out because either of you is spending time with someone else, but I don't think I have ever been catty (except with a certain OF) and in somecases just mean. Let me know if I have. Please be happy for me. She makes me feel so comfortable. She is affectionate, openmided, strong, willing to let me be vulnerable sometimes, as well as let me take care of her. She doesn't make fun of me if I wear a goofy outfit. Conversation is easy and flowing. We laugh together...alot. On the otherhand, we can have a serious debate and not get mad at eachothers opinion. She's not afraid of the public opinion, a quality I admire. I'm scared as hell of this girl. Scared that she doesn't feel the same about me, even if she has told me she does. Scared that I will let myself fall and get hurt when I crash. I am trying hard to take this for what is in the present. I am not looking positive toward the future because I don't want to get my hopes up, but I need to start looking at tomorrow and projecting many blessed things happening. I promise you, my dear friends, that I will not forget the lovely women who hold me up daily. I love you all very mch and I will readjust my time to fit everything in, but without overextending myself.

TJK

Will I let myself go? Can i let her in? Can I risk the pain and gamble the happiness? What if this is real? What if it's not? What if the other is who I am supposed to be with and the emotions we juggle are real? Always looming in the back. Always there. I have a lot of deep down what-if's that i have to let go of. But i guess for progression sake, I have to deal with those fears sooner or later. But I think I have found someone who allows me to truly be me. No judgement, no condescension, no facade. There she is in all her clippered fur glory, living peacefully under the radar. Finding beauty in so much. Working hard for her life. Sleeping peacefully in udder darkness. Please let me feel life again. At any cost.

Where is it?

I have asked the question over and over. Where is it I belong? Sometimes it's a place I am wondering, sometimes a caste. Do I remember my road trip fondly because I miss the open road? Did I feel the peace in the forest that I remember? Was it the grand adventure I tell people? Or did I warp it to be just how I wanted to remember? No. I feel like all I remember is real. I do not want to own a house anymore. I do not want my children to grow up stagnant. I want life around me. Not greed, or wanting or wishing. I want real freedom. I want to be free of these pressures I feel to be a good woman, a good wife (working on that one), a good mother, a provider. I can be all of these things on my own terms. I can define what each of these is for myself. My transformation from yesterday me to today me happens every night. I learn something, I lose something, I meet someone, I disregard another. I drop my puzzle and reconfigure. Every morning is new, but how many tomorrows do I have? How can I keep questioning without taking action? I am so afraid to make a wrong choice, to fuck up, but am I fucking up by not choosing? What would it take for me to be out on the road again? What would it take for HIM to let me take the kids? Is it good enough for me to only have the summers on the road? What will this dream cost me and the kids and who will be brave enough to support me, possibly go with me? Will I die along the way? Maybe, but I will die having lived. A little piece of me dies every day while I wither in this life I am afraid to let go of. I am a take charge woman, SO TAKE CHARGE SELF!!!! Do this. Make it happen for you, self.

You Should Be Pissed Too!

How is it ladies and gentlemen that we have let breastfeeding go from the norm to taboo in just 30 years? Even the fundamentalist christian right has no argument as to why breastfeeding is so bad. Only the christian scientist do; and really how can I argue with an alien?! If this were shown on TV now, parents would crucify the network, boycott sesame street. What is so unnatural, so wrong? When did we become a country of simultaneously
whorey and modest folk. Your two year old daughters are dressing in halter tops and butt shorts, but quick, hide them from a ....breast? Feeding a baby? How the fuck do these right wing assholes and righteous fuckers think Eve fed Cane and Abel? Furthermore, what the hell do these people think babies ate before corporate America came in and made them fake food? I've got news for you people!!!! Jesus suckled at a tit!!! And virtuous Mary DID NOT cover with a recieving blanket, hide in her stall or nurse next to the hole that served as her toilet. Biologically, my breasts were made for the purpose of sustaining my childs life. And they have in a restauraunt, at a bowling alley, in the company of friends and strangers, at work, at a hockey game, in my bedroom, with the door open, at the mall and any place else my child's inert need arose; all without hiding what I was doing! Please reconsider what you think is gross, immoral, indescreet, inappropriate and unnatural.

Procrastination

Why is it that I can't even buy a computer? I don't even want to look at them, but I know I want one. I have the money. I put off the tooth thing until it was a root canal. The divorce til HE was happy and it would be less bitter. I talked to SS last night about starting a new relationship. I said I didn't want one. But sometimes I do. How far could it go? Which phase of life would I find myself in when it ends in heartbreak and tears? Why do I have to think like that? Is it possible for one love to last forever? To look back and think gee, I've been happy, lucky and in love since I met you a lifetime ago. What an amazing possibility. Is favoring sexual chemistry for what is definitely a safe, boring bet, the right thing to do? Is is okay for me to remain singlish for a while? And E, how does the dating more than one person thing go? How do you keep up? So I am putting off answering these questions. What a surprise right? I think I am getting sick and I am super tired. A little frustrated too.

Apparently

Being married doesn't make that big of a difference. It's funny when I finally let it go and let things happen, they happen. Just like that. I am the luckiest girl in the world. At least today. I must try to remember this feeling of complete contentment. It could be because whatever I smoked with my sister K yesterday was hella good and is residual. Or it might be cuz I kissed a hottie last night and I am still riding that. Holding onto post make-out texts. Hoping to do it again later today. HE is happy. He has a gf. It's a little strange, but cool. The kids like her. She has been a family friend since before we were a family. She was at our wedding. He was fucking her before me. I could definitely see her as the kids step mom. Hmmmmm.... Back to the hottie...

I'm not mad at you

Hello my friends. I am in retreat mode. I am not mad at any of you, I just need personal reflection time. I love you all and I will be back to myself soon. Those of you new to this, it's normal. I shall return soon.

HumDrum

"U r entertaining my brain..Tell me that ur not married..It just occurred to me i just assumed u aren't" That means she likes me, right? But I am married, on paper, so that's bad? Grrrrr...So frustrated..I mean we talked after and I explained. Then tonight she cancelled out hang out tomorrow, cuz her friend needed her. Rescheduled open ended for next week. Wait and see wait and see wait and see. Always wait and see. I don't wanna wait. I just want something. I thought things were going well for me. They are, I just have to keep telling myself. BBS still hasn't called me. Waiting......So impatient. Fuck. Then there's SS. What a doozie. I have not written her name, yet. What a woman! Too fucking bad she's so fucking far away. We have amazing conversations, we can talk for hours and most of the time we do. I have shared so much, sometimes I think too much. But i know once she's in, I am open for heart break. So everyday, I think, I should end this now before either of us gets hurt. I should change the way I think about her. I should not allow myself to be so open with her, but everyday, I change my mind. You see, it's so easy to just let things be. It's so easy to pretend hearing about the other girls doesn't hurt. She's there. She listens when nobody else can. I am hurting so bad, not knowing why now? Why her? Why there? I just wish I could let go. Let everything happen. I got a text yesterday that said don't wish things are good only when they are bad, wish they are good all the time. I am sick of wishing. Fuck Cinderella, wishes never come true.

Hello Today!! What a strange week it's been. E's been out of town, it seems like forever. I guess we will start with Thursday. Cherry Bomb! My sister EM came into town Thursday evening while I was at school. I picked her and JLB up and we went to the Cash. The line was really long there, so we changed plans and went to Vibe to kill time before Cherry Bomb. There is this amazing looking butch bartender at Vibe. I made sure to order all my drinks from her. We drank and danced, then left and went to CB. CB was very fun. I made out with Orange Face's girlfriend!!! That was the highlight of night. The kissing was alright, but the fact that I found out later who it was made the whole thing that much better. After that little tryst, I hung out with my friends and looked around for E'sK and realized that she hadn't been in the whole time. I asked E where she was and the answer was in her car. I found out later that she couldn't pay the cover, so she didn't go in. Also, E wanted to make out with JLB, so having E'sK in there would not have been conducive. (The next morning E and E'sK jetted off to SF and somehow I got wrangled into taking them to the airport.) E and E'sK left and we went back to Vibe so JLB could see FA; see, suck face, whatever. In the meantime, I was stupid drunk and I had started drinking water . I couldn't believe it when it happened, but the ALB bartender started hitting on me. She asked my name and we held the shake for a while. We'll just call her Butch Bartender S, or BBS. I was so stupid drunk, I told her she was hot and asked her if she gets that alot. I was surprised to hear her so no. Hmmmmm... Well then, can I kiss you? Wow, holy drunk and stupid. To which she responded laughing, not at me, no. She asked when I would be in again and I told her that I would be back Saturday for Boycott. She has a beautiful smile. I went back Saturday and finally at 15 til 2, I asked for her number. She gave it to me and I have called, left message but no return call. Well, I guess I am not so sure how sexy persistence really is. She works at the bar all day and night, so I feel like the ball's in her court, but I really want to talk to her, you know? See what she's like. Anyway, I took the kids to Rainbows Fest on Sunday with JLB and her two girls. Kids are a chic and fag magnet. At a certain booth, I caught a young lady's eye. Really cute girl, who later recognized my kids. We had a mini convo about how dating mom's is easier for me because mom's get the intricacies of being a mom. She tells me that I was wrong and that others get it too. I asked her if she get's it. Yes. Somehow convo moved to my diet and and JLB says too bad there is no good place to get a vegan pizza. I say, no there are a few, but I like Eddies in Tempe. KTJ, that's her name, asks where it is and I tell her it's by Pita Jungle. I've never been to PJ. Well then, I say, there are two placed I need to take you. JLB remarks that I am smooth, I deny hitting on KTJ. They both disagree, so I ask KTJ if it's ok, she says yes, so I ask her if I can call her. She says yes. Yesterday, we talked for 45 minutes then texted non-stop for 5 hours, then talked for another hour. The texting ended and talking started when she asked if I was still married and guessed I wasn't. I could have lied. But then again, I couldn't. the reaction was what I expected. I wish to be divorced and figure out all the stupid shit like custody and house selling later. I just want to be undone from this tie. I fucking hate it. GO WITH YOUR GUT! my gut told me over and over not to marry, that we would have a life without this ring and paper, but I still did it. NEVER OVERRIDE YOUR GUT!!! So i guess I need to wait and see where all this goes. It was a good confidence boost none the less.