Holy Cow I am emo lately. I am sorry for all of my faithful readers. I have slept, now, two nights without Tylenol PM or Xanex. Don’t fall asleep ‘til 3 in the morning and I am dragging my ass out of bed at 9, but I am trying to get a handle on things.
I have been immersing myself in alot of music. Getting excited about new bands and new-to-me musicians. Allison Miller is one of the new-to-me people I am interested in. She’s a drummer who plays with some of my favorite musicians and spoken word artists, such as Ani D, Melissa Ferrick, Erin McKeown, Alix Olson and Andrea Gibson. (Geez, I look like a homo or something!)
Well, Erin and Allison have formed a band called emma. Yes, lowercase. They describe themselves as electronic/ambient/minimalist. And indeed they are. The only place I have found a sampling of emma is on myspace.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=179469515.
So worth the listen. Between Allison’s amazing drumming and Erin’s yummy voice, I can’t get enough. I have written to them and asked for a release date or some way I can purchase a cd, as they are independent and unsigned. As soon as I hear back I will let you all know. Oh, also, they are both super hot dykes!! That might be some of my infatuation. Since I am kinda ho-ish.
This is an Ani D video, with lots of Allison drumming and did I mention she sings too? Fucking HOT!!!! Would you look at those dimples!!!
This is Erin McKeown. Do you think if I beg, she will write me a song and I’ll find the love of my life? It’s worth a try.
I would be half mad to try and find a video of emma on youtube because there are a million and one videos with Emma in the title and I just cannot look through them all. Plus I don’t think there are any right now.
So go to myspace people and get out of whatever funk you are in by looking up hot girl musicians. Hopefully you are not like me in wishing your mother would have forced you to do something musical. Happy Saturday!!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The Measure
MsJ asked me why I can’t just be alone. Why do I feel I need a girl in my life? I told her I don’t need anyone. I am perfectly capable on my own; which is true. I can run a household. Hold a job. Go to school. Parent. All of these things single.
But who cares; if I don’t have someone who cares about me, cheering me on. Oh yeah, we can bring my boys into this conversation. They won’t give a shit that I did it on my own for at least another 15 years. Maybe longer. They won’t validate me until I don’t need validation anymore.
I want to be motivated, I want to be loved. I want to share my achievements with someone. I want to share my life. I feel so alone. Nobody cares anymore. I don’t even care anymore. I’m just a robot doing what’s right for them. Watching everyone else in my life find love and validation.
They deserve it, but so do I. Where’s mine? So I sit alone in my room, crying, again. Wishing. Longing. Having a hard time typing because I am exhausted. It’s 10 to 2 in the morning and I am wishing the sun would rise again, so I can be tired in the light of the living. So I can talk to someone.
Any distraction will do. Housework makes being alone easier. Even if I am the only one who appreciates it. Even if I only get a brief moment to talk to someone who has way to many other things to do, like work or kids to care for. Instead of me who is worthless. No job. No self worth. Definitely no worth to anyone else.
I know I am closed off to you MR. On purpose. You don’t want anything to do with this life I have. You are too young to be wasting your time on me. If it’s anything, I am closed off to anyone interested. It’s too much for me to start over and begin to explain why I do the things I do. I just can’t do it right now.
So this is definitely a pity party for one. I’ll get over myself or I’ll be very convincing. Maybe I need to reconsider how I measure my self worth. Maybe I need to find some self worth before I can measure it.
I am going to try to sleep without drugs tonight. I have to go feed the dogs in the morning. I am going to spend the day by the pool and pretend that it’s what I want to be doing. When really all I want is to sleep, be held, be loved and be validated.
But who cares; if I don’t have someone who cares about me, cheering me on. Oh yeah, we can bring my boys into this conversation. They won’t give a shit that I did it on my own for at least another 15 years. Maybe longer. They won’t validate me until I don’t need validation anymore.
I want to be motivated, I want to be loved. I want to share my achievements with someone. I want to share my life. I feel so alone. Nobody cares anymore. I don’t even care anymore. I’m just a robot doing what’s right for them. Watching everyone else in my life find love and validation.
They deserve it, but so do I. Where’s mine? So I sit alone in my room, crying, again. Wishing. Longing. Having a hard time typing because I am exhausted. It’s 10 to 2 in the morning and I am wishing the sun would rise again, so I can be tired in the light of the living. So I can talk to someone.
Any distraction will do. Housework makes being alone easier. Even if I am the only one who appreciates it. Even if I only get a brief moment to talk to someone who has way to many other things to do, like work or kids to care for. Instead of me who is worthless. No job. No self worth. Definitely no worth to anyone else.
I know I am closed off to you MR. On purpose. You don’t want anything to do with this life I have. You are too young to be wasting your time on me. If it’s anything, I am closed off to anyone interested. It’s too much for me to start over and begin to explain why I do the things I do. I just can’t do it right now.
So this is definitely a pity party for one. I’ll get over myself or I’ll be very convincing. Maybe I need to reconsider how I measure my self worth. Maybe I need to find some self worth before I can measure it.
I am going to try to sleep without drugs tonight. I have to go feed the dogs in the morning. I am going to spend the day by the pool and pretend that it’s what I want to be doing. When really all I want is to sleep, be held, be loved and be validated.
Ice Cream Woes
In case my faithful readers in AZ didn’t know, Ben and Jerry’s is on sale at Fry’s. $2.27 a pint. Now I know I shouldn’t have bought four pints but I couldn’t choose which flavor I wanted. I guess it won’t be so bad if I don’t eat all four tonight. Right?
It’s two a.m. and I am still awake. But what’s new? Last night I slept without drugs. Tonight I don’t think I will be so lucky. How long will I be praying for daylight? Not just tonight, but how many nights? How many nights do I have to lie awake and think?
I know I need to do things, like the dishes and clean the snake cage; is that what’s keeping me up? Maybe it’s this weird girl situation. Yep. That must be it. They all say let her go. Stop thinking something’s gonna happen. It’s so strange. I’m not pining. I’m not wishing to see her.
I talked to her tonight like I always do. She said she ended romantic things because she felt smothered by me. Smothered! Me. I mean, how did I smother her. Text? Maybe I answered the phone too often. I was way backed off. I gave her the space she asked for. She started propositioning me, not the other way around. I maintain that she scared herself, but that being said, I don’t want to be a fool. I don’t want to know that she didn’t really like me.
Because she told me she did. She said it was true. She still says it. I think she feels safe now that she thinks I’m dating KK. Although nothing is happening there, it could. KK likes me. She really cute and funny and we are alot alike. I said all of this to MsJ and she said, oh no, it’s not really good to have so much in common.
I’m so confused about all of this. I’m so conflicted. All I really want I to sleep.
It’s two a.m. and I am still awake. But what’s new? Last night I slept without drugs. Tonight I don’t think I will be so lucky. How long will I be praying for daylight? Not just tonight, but how many nights? How many nights do I have to lie awake and think?
I know I need to do things, like the dishes and clean the snake cage; is that what’s keeping me up? Maybe it’s this weird girl situation. Yep. That must be it. They all say let her go. Stop thinking something’s gonna happen. It’s so strange. I’m not pining. I’m not wishing to see her.
I talked to her tonight like I always do. She said she ended romantic things because she felt smothered by me. Smothered! Me. I mean, how did I smother her. Text? Maybe I answered the phone too often. I was way backed off. I gave her the space she asked for. She started propositioning me, not the other way around. I maintain that she scared herself, but that being said, I don’t want to be a fool. I don’t want to know that she didn’t really like me.
Because she told me she did. She said it was true. She still says it. I think she feels safe now that she thinks I’m dating KK. Although nothing is happening there, it could. KK likes me. She really cute and funny and we are alot alike. I said all of this to MsJ and she said, oh no, it’s not really good to have so much in common.
I’m so confused about all of this. I’m so conflicted. All I really want I to sleep.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Exhaust
I am so tired I probably shouldn't be writing this at all. MsJ finally told me today that she had to stop dating me. Fine, I said. And finally. I'm so okay with this. What I wasn't okay with was the stringing along. She still wants to talk everyday and hang out. Just not romantically. Whatever. Girls mystify me. Boys are so simple, either they are happy or they're not. When they're not, you turn on a little porn and the world is right again.
Girls have to think. They have to...process. Then they have to stew. Finally, they get back to you with an answer. When did life become so complicated? When did dating become the Dr. Phil show?
Anyway, I'm just about the singlest I can be right now. I think I will be alright. I also think that when Ms. Right comes along, I will know and fight like hell to keep her at bay because I can't love anyone now. I just don't have it in me anymore. You ladies want to much. Anybody want a fuck buddy?
I should rephrase, anybody whose air conditioning is working want a fuck buddy?
Girls have to think. They have to...process. Then they have to stew. Finally, they get back to you with an answer. When did life become so complicated? When did dating become the Dr. Phil show?
Anyway, I'm just about the singlest I can be right now. I think I will be alright. I also think that when Ms. Right comes along, I will know and fight like hell to keep her at bay because I can't love anyone now. I just don't have it in me anymore. You ladies want to much. Anybody want a fuck buddy?
I should rephrase, anybody whose air conditioning is working want a fuck buddy?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I won my own wet tee shirt contest last night.
Let me explain. It’s about 105 degrees in my house at any time. My air is out and has been for the whole summer. I usually don’t turn it on til June 1st anyway, but not this year. I dump water on myself or take a shower and get in skimpy pj’s without drying every night before I go to sleep. Also, I take sleepy pills. It’s really not as bad as it seems. I think.
I am living in the house alone for the next three weeks. My kiddos are thankfully with my parents right now and onto HIS parents for the next two weeks. Hopefully I will be able to pull some funds together to fix this thing.
I have tried everything I know to fix it, which isn’t very much. I rewired from the thermostat to the inside unit, but that did nothing. My dad is coming into town tomorrow to help me, but he knows about as much as I do. I am not feeling optimistic.
I’ve been alone in this heat for six days now. Sweltering and quiet. I have been cleaning, sweating, writing, masturbating and talking to myself...a bunch. I talk to myself to motivate me, to make me stop crying, which I have been doing alot too, to tell myself I look pretty today. You name it.
Alone is a weird place to be. I am trying to have an open mind and open heart about it because it’s scary. MsJ is still around, but only through text or phone. Haven’t seen her since Sunday. The thing is that we have talked about things and we are right back where we were. A confusing place to be, really.
She likes me. She’s afraid of what may come with me. I’m afraid I am doing something wrong all the time. I want to see her this week, I have picked up my phone several times and texted her to come to the Mercury game with me tonight, but I keep erasing the text.
If I ask her to go, will she think I am desperate or want to see her all the time or will I scare her away? Is she fighting to keep me away as hard as I am fighting my urge to want to hang? And if I don’t ask her, will she think I don’t want to hang? I hate being in my head so much. The thing about talking to myself is that I can lie to myself or make truth hurt less. I can tell myself what I want to hear, but my head knows the difference.
Something else I have been questioning is how much all this torture is worth. Don’t I deserve someone who wants to see me? Or is this the universes’ way of telling me to slow the fuck down? Learn to be alone.
I am going to Flagstaff Pride this weekend. Going with a group of friends, none of whom are friends with MsJ. That leaves possibilities open for me. I really want to fuck and I love out of town girls. They are easy to get what I want and never see again. But is Flag far enough away? Only two hours.
Then there is MsJ. I really do like her and I should have enough sense to wait for her to come around, right? I’m not committed to her in any way, but fuck, I like the girl. I just want to fuck and be fucked, is that so much to ask for? Probably. There’s a plan for me. I sound like some religious freak!! Ha!
I am going to see Chris Pureka at Flag Pride. My now-not-so-secret fantasy is that she and I go back to her tour bus for a romp! Fat fucking chance, but really, I can dream. And dream I do. In my dreams she’s neither an exclusive top or a nellie bottom, but I get to do all the fucking. Her shirt’s unbuttoned but not all the way off, her jeans pulled down for just enough room for my hand. TMI, but I don’t care. I mean, who reads this anyway?
I am living in the house alone for the next three weeks. My kiddos are thankfully with my parents right now and onto HIS parents for the next two weeks. Hopefully I will be able to pull some funds together to fix this thing.
I have tried everything I know to fix it, which isn’t very much. I rewired from the thermostat to the inside unit, but that did nothing. My dad is coming into town tomorrow to help me, but he knows about as much as I do. I am not feeling optimistic.
I’ve been alone in this heat for six days now. Sweltering and quiet. I have been cleaning, sweating, writing, masturbating and talking to myself...a bunch. I talk to myself to motivate me, to make me stop crying, which I have been doing alot too, to tell myself I look pretty today. You name it.
Alone is a weird place to be. I am trying to have an open mind and open heart about it because it’s scary. MsJ is still around, but only through text or phone. Haven’t seen her since Sunday. The thing is that we have talked about things and we are right back where we were. A confusing place to be, really.
She likes me. She’s afraid of what may come with me. I’m afraid I am doing something wrong all the time. I want to see her this week, I have picked up my phone several times and texted her to come to the Mercury game with me tonight, but I keep erasing the text.
If I ask her to go, will she think I am desperate or want to see her all the time or will I scare her away? Is she fighting to keep me away as hard as I am fighting my urge to want to hang? And if I don’t ask her, will she think I don’t want to hang? I hate being in my head so much. The thing about talking to myself is that I can lie to myself or make truth hurt less. I can tell myself what I want to hear, but my head knows the difference.
Something else I have been questioning is how much all this torture is worth. Don’t I deserve someone who wants to see me? Or is this the universes’ way of telling me to slow the fuck down? Learn to be alone.
I am going to Flagstaff Pride this weekend. Going with a group of friends, none of whom are friends with MsJ. That leaves possibilities open for me. I really want to fuck and I love out of town girls. They are easy to get what I want and never see again. But is Flag far enough away? Only two hours.
Then there is MsJ. I really do like her and I should have enough sense to wait for her to come around, right? I’m not committed to her in any way, but fuck, I like the girl. I just want to fuck and be fucked, is that so much to ask for? Probably. There’s a plan for me. I sound like some religious freak!! Ha!
I am going to see Chris Pureka at Flag Pride. My now-not-so-secret fantasy is that she and I go back to her tour bus for a romp! Fat fucking chance, but really, I can dream. And dream I do. In my dreams she’s neither an exclusive top or a nellie bottom, but I get to do all the fucking. Her shirt’s unbuttoned but not all the way off, her jeans pulled down for just enough room for my hand. TMI, but I don’t care. I mean, who reads this anyway?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
phone sex
you asked me what i wanted to do to you
you caught me off guard
it was all in my head, but the surprise stopped my mouth from moving
my wheels were spinning
and i was swimming in your sex
you were lying there
my hands were caressing the length of your spine
exploring your hips
grasping your ass
i pulled you closer
i flipped you on your back
pinned your arms above your head with one hand
gently bit your nipples through your beater
your soft breath urging me downward
my free hand moved from clutching your waist
to tugging your shirt off
your back arched, pushing your hot wet sex against mine
i moved down with my mouth on your body
i smelled you, i wanted you more than i let on
i hoped you couldn’t tell
your shorts were pulled off in one powerful tug
there you were in your naked beauty
begging
it took all i had to just tease you
because i was teasing me too
your breathing turned to moaning
when my face was so near your tumescent clit
my breathing haphazard
my heart in my stomach
my stomach caught in the moment
that first taste, that first gentle lick
whimpers of ecstasy
you pulled my hair when i bit your hot tip just hard enough
my finger hovered scarcely inside
you hungered for the ascent
my tongue working circles
my hand wet with your cum
i slid inside
deep
you scratched and grabbed
you pulled, you steadied your hand on the headboard
i hit that place
that place that makes you cum hard and fast
you came
once
twice
three times
your cum on my face
on my hand on the sheets
you scratched my back til it bled, red lines welted
i came too
the night fragrant with you
the night sweltering from our bodies radiating
the night only half over
you caught me off guard
it was all in my head, but the surprise stopped my mouth from moving
my wheels were spinning
and i was swimming in your sex
you were lying there
my hands were caressing the length of your spine
exploring your hips
grasping your ass
i pulled you closer
i flipped you on your back
pinned your arms above your head with one hand
gently bit your nipples through your beater
your soft breath urging me downward
my free hand moved from clutching your waist
to tugging your shirt off
your back arched, pushing your hot wet sex against mine
i moved down with my mouth on your body
i smelled you, i wanted you more than i let on
i hoped you couldn’t tell
your shorts were pulled off in one powerful tug
there you were in your naked beauty
begging
it took all i had to just tease you
because i was teasing me too
your breathing turned to moaning
when my face was so near your tumescent clit
my breathing haphazard
my heart in my stomach
my stomach caught in the moment
that first taste, that first gentle lick
whimpers of ecstasy
you pulled my hair when i bit your hot tip just hard enough
my finger hovered scarcely inside
you hungered for the ascent
my tongue working circles
my hand wet with your cum
i slid inside
deep
you scratched and grabbed
you pulled, you steadied your hand on the headboard
i hit that place
that place that makes you cum hard and fast
you came
once
twice
three times
your cum on my face
on my hand on the sheets
you scratched my back til it bled, red lines welted
i came too
the night fragrant with you
the night sweltering from our bodies radiating
the night only half over
Sunday, June 15, 2008
why bother anymore?
why do i let myself fall? she really is great for me. and i am great for her, so wy is she doing this to me? better yet how could i have let this happen. i hate myself right now. i hate that i let her get a little close. i hate that she said things. i hate that i believed her. as short as two days ago she was calling me sweetie. she took it to the next step and i followed suit. i suck. this life sucks. i hate everything today. it’s all shit. my world is crumbling. why did i get to meet her parents? why did she send me all these texts? why did i think that she really liked me? because she said she did. and stupidly believed her. i stupidly thought what she said was true. i stupidly listened to my friends. fuck girls. there’s something wrong with each and every one of us. we all suck and it’s too bad woman are sexy, because if they weren’t i wouldn’t feel so bad about living this life alone. fuck it. what’s 30 more years of doing everything on my own. destiny that i have to be alone. there’s not one woman out there who can be my mate. i hate that i trusted myself. i hate that i let myself be happy. i hate i told her she was beautiful. she is, but i wasted a breath. she’ so special to me. the amazing, perfect woman. one problem, me. oh i got the i’m an asshole, i’m a jerk speech. It’s her not me. like i haven’t heard that before. then the text, “and i hope i haven’t ruined anything cuz i’m a jerk.” what happened to me that i became unloveable? was i ever? will i ever be? i hate this life. i hate that she did this when everything is going all wrong anyway. at least nobody will know what tears are for what.
today is day two of my road trip that i’m not on. the one i should be on but i told T i was seeing someone and got uninvited. please end this all. i just want to sleep forever. i don’t have the strength to continue.
today is day two of my road trip that i’m not on. the one i should be on but i told T i was seeing someone and got uninvited. please end this all. i just want to sleep forever. i don’t have the strength to continue.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Big Fat Horny Beast
I have this really serious problem. Ever since I started enjoying sex, that is when I started sleeping with women, I want it like a teenage boy. I can be reading a book on entomology and BOOM, sex on the brain.
Ensexalitis. I think I need a shunt or something installed. Like her cock or finger or her tongue....oh her tongue....roaming, licking, sucking...JESUS! Do you see what I mean?
Sexaholic, except not slutty. I just think about it ALL the time! I know you all are thinking, well J, just masturbate. I’ve been, kids. I think it only makes it worse. Single for 5 weeks and I just can’t contain myself! Someone fuck me already!!!
I suppose I could just go to the bar and get a little public bathroom action, but how tempting does that really sound? (Not that I wouldn’t do it, but with someone I know, not just some random girl. Although, that sounds HOT too!!) Holy Horny, Batman!!
Nighttime is the worst. Laying alone in my bed. Touching myself, wising my hand wasn’t connected to my own arm. Wishing the scenario wasn’t just in my head. Wishing her kisses weren’t figments.....Been sleeping for hours, awoken by her caress on my hip and the gentle brush of her lips on the back of my neck...when I stir she doesn’t wait, she just thrusts her fingers in, her palm hitting my hot spot. Sweaty and slippery wetness....
Holy fuck! My breathing is out of control. My brain is out of control. My vagina is out of control. This post must end so I can wipe my wet puss. TMI, I know, but hell, I’m sharing all this with you, might as well share the end result.
Ensexalitis. I think I need a shunt or something installed. Like her cock or finger or her tongue....oh her tongue....roaming, licking, sucking...JESUS! Do you see what I mean?
Sexaholic, except not slutty. I just think about it ALL the time! I know you all are thinking, well J, just masturbate. I’ve been, kids. I think it only makes it worse. Single for 5 weeks and I just can’t contain myself! Someone fuck me already!!!
I suppose I could just go to the bar and get a little public bathroom action, but how tempting does that really sound? (Not that I wouldn’t do it, but with someone I know, not just some random girl. Although, that sounds HOT too!!) Holy Horny, Batman!!
Nighttime is the worst. Laying alone in my bed. Touching myself, wising my hand wasn’t connected to my own arm. Wishing the scenario wasn’t just in my head. Wishing her kisses weren’t figments.....Been sleeping for hours, awoken by her caress on my hip and the gentle brush of her lips on the back of my neck...when I stir she doesn’t wait, she just thrusts her fingers in, her palm hitting my hot spot. Sweaty and slippery wetness....
Holy fuck! My breathing is out of control. My brain is out of control. My vagina is out of control. This post must end so I can wipe my wet puss. TMI, I know, but hell, I’m sharing all this with you, might as well share the end result.
The Secret To Life is Nudity
I am having such a hard time getting motivated to clean my house. It all seems futile and just a huge waste of time. The only room in the house that is almost always clean is mine. And I spend all my house time in it. I love my house. I used to spend gobs of time in other rooms, but I just can’t handle the clutter any more, so I hide.
Todays goals were to not be late getting kids to swimming, to wash the dishes, to take the kids to science center, and to mop the floor. All while doing the other normal feeding and keeping tidy crap.
It’s 8, it feels much later than it is because I spent a good hour crying and stupidly wondering if it is my burden to be alone for all eternity. (It’s not. I just sometimes feel sorry for myself and can’t see the light.) I laid on my bed and started talking myself into mopping in the morning. Texted MsJ for a little motivation and while waiting for her text I got out the supplies and told myself to stop being an asshole, I would feel much better when the kitchen was clean.
Then an angel came down from heaven and told me to get naked. Of course, naked housework! I felt like I was onto something, but didn’t know the magnitude of my divine epiphany ‘til much later.
I went and told K, my sis, what I was doing, so in case she came out she wouldn’t have a heart attack. She implied with her next statement that I was going about this all wrong, “You need to wear heals.” She handed me a pair and there I was in four inch black, patent leather, open toed heals and nothing else, mopping my merry little self to pure relaxation.
I decided to buy a curtain rod and make a curtain for my front door window and every night clean in the buff. I feel so good. I feel so accomplished. I feel so nude. Guess I better get dressed now, not all things need to be done naked.
Todays goals were to not be late getting kids to swimming, to wash the dishes, to take the kids to science center, and to mop the floor. All while doing the other normal feeding and keeping tidy crap.
It’s 8, it feels much later than it is because I spent a good hour crying and stupidly wondering if it is my burden to be alone for all eternity. (It’s not. I just sometimes feel sorry for myself and can’t see the light.) I laid on my bed and started talking myself into mopping in the morning. Texted MsJ for a little motivation and while waiting for her text I got out the supplies and told myself to stop being an asshole, I would feel much better when the kitchen was clean.
Then an angel came down from heaven and told me to get naked. Of course, naked housework! I felt like I was onto something, but didn’t know the magnitude of my divine epiphany ‘til much later.
I went and told K, my sis, what I was doing, so in case she came out she wouldn’t have a heart attack. She implied with her next statement that I was going about this all wrong, “You need to wear heals.” She handed me a pair and there I was in four inch black, patent leather, open toed heals and nothing else, mopping my merry little self to pure relaxation.
I decided to buy a curtain rod and make a curtain for my front door window and every night clean in the buff. I feel so good. I feel so accomplished. I feel so nude. Guess I better get dressed now, not all things need to be done naked.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Someone
I saw you in an dream.
I saw you in a flannel on the porch of our small A frame cabin
I saw you chopping wood and adding to the pile
I saw you hiking with our kids, telling them stories from your childhood
I saw you preparing a meal for 6 with me
I saw you taking a mid-afternoon skinny dip in the crick, your back muscles rippling
I saw you lay them down to slumber, with a kiss and hug to each one
I saw you come to me, with love and laughter in your eyes
I saw your chest rise and fall and I fell into rhythm with you
I felt you caressing me under the covers
I felt you press your body to mine, hardened nipples, supple breasts
I felt your quick breath on my neck
I felt your heat radiating from your core to your fingertips
I felt your soft kisses on my wanting mouth
I felt your hand explore my hips
I felt you quiver when you discerned my moisture
I felt your hard bites on my thighs
I felt your world explode in pleasure
I heard you tip toe softly out of the room
I heard you hum a soft tune while you made your first cup
I heard you greet our four legged friends
I heard your contemplative silence in awe of the sunrise
I heard you welcome the world into your heart
I heard you tell the neighbor how happy you are
I heard you regard the sun as mighty
I heard you tell our babies to still their thoughts and listen to the world around
I heard you whisper “I love you” into the soft breeze
I see your loving soul
I feel your genuine warmth
I hear your words impressed on me
I saw you in a flannel on the porch of our small A frame cabin
I saw you chopping wood and adding to the pile
I saw you hiking with our kids, telling them stories from your childhood
I saw you preparing a meal for 6 with me
I saw you taking a mid-afternoon skinny dip in the crick, your back muscles rippling
I saw you lay them down to slumber, with a kiss and hug to each one
I saw you come to me, with love and laughter in your eyes
I saw your chest rise and fall and I fell into rhythm with you
I felt you caressing me under the covers
I felt you press your body to mine, hardened nipples, supple breasts
I felt your quick breath on my neck
I felt your heat radiating from your core to your fingertips
I felt your soft kisses on my wanting mouth
I felt your hand explore my hips
I felt you quiver when you discerned my moisture
I felt your hard bites on my thighs
I felt your world explode in pleasure
I heard you tip toe softly out of the room
I heard you hum a soft tune while you made your first cup
I heard you greet our four legged friends
I heard your contemplative silence in awe of the sunrise
I heard you welcome the world into your heart
I heard you tell the neighbor how happy you are
I heard you regard the sun as mighty
I heard you tell our babies to still their thoughts and listen to the world around
I heard you whisper “I love you” into the soft breeze
I see your loving soul
I feel your genuine warmth
I hear your words impressed on me
Dyke Drama
Monday Afternoon
I told T about MsJ. She totally freaked out on me like I thought she would. She was teasing me about MsJ being my girlfriend. I told her she wasn’t but that we were seeing each other very casually. Silence on the other end of the phone. Mind you readers, I did not plan on telling her over the phone, especially when she was driving. It just happened. She told me that she had to get off the phone because traffic was heavy.
Less than a minute later she called back. She told me that she wouldn’t be meeting me for coffee, nor was I still invited on the road trip she is about to take. I figured all this already. She also said she couldn’t believe I had moved on so quickly. It’s been four weeks since the final break up. “Final break-up” being the important statement here. We have been teetering on separation since she freaked out at the Easter backyard camp out.
She hung up on me again. I thought she was really pissed at my calmness, boy was I correct! When she got home she called me again and told me to fuck off. She was mean and sarcastic. I told her that the conversation would end until she could speak to me with respect. That lasted all of two minutes. She couldn’t help telling me to fuck off several more times.
Now the thing is, she’s hurt and angry. She’s also, sadly immature in expressing her feelings. I feel really sorry for her. And I feel really sad that I have caused someone so much pain; I say this even after what comes next.
Text from T “You obviously only care about yourself. I should have kept you rebound material like you were supposed to be in the first place. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!”
Holy cow!! I didn’t respond. It’s a harsh text and I am not sure if she is trying to hurt me or just vent in a big, stupid way. At any rate, I don’t really feel hurt by it because I know it’s not true. She really love(s)(d) me.
Tuesday Morning
I am exactly where I need to be, I need to be exactly where I am. I am a blessing manifest....
“Hello”
“Did you go on myspace last night?”
“No, why?”
“Ummmmm...” Trepidation in the wavering voice of JLB.
“Oh, no. What did she do?”
“It’s her blog. Don’t read it. It’s really upsetting.”
Well, of course, now I have to read it. “Does it have my first and last name?”
“No.”
“How personal are the details?”
“Do you want me to just read it to you?”
“Yes, please.”
Because it’s her work, I won’t post it, but it was really very will written. The title is very catchy. It’s called....wait for it.....wait for it.....”Dear Jen, Fuck You”. Good, right? Now don’t be jealous, somebody could write an awesome poem about you someday too. The whole poem rhymes. I actually like it. Maybe I’ll get her permission to post it on here so all of you can read it. I better give it a few days though. She seems kinda mad.
Alright, that’s enough of my sarcasm. Actually most of what I just wrote is true. She’s a fantastic writer. She is evidently hurt by my calmness, as was cited in her poem.
I am a pretty even keeled person. I do better under high pressure. I stay very calm and take an authoritative position. Which is how I was yesterday. For me to tell her about MsJ and hurt her all over again, was really scary. I knew it would hurt her, I knew she would say the things she did. I could have waited until after the trip, but I think that would have been worse.
I hope she gets perspective soon, so we can get around to having a friendship. I guess only time can tell. All you praying folks, send some up to heaven for her. The rest of you can send her some healing thoughts and energy.
I told T about MsJ. She totally freaked out on me like I thought she would. She was teasing me about MsJ being my girlfriend. I told her she wasn’t but that we were seeing each other very casually. Silence on the other end of the phone. Mind you readers, I did not plan on telling her over the phone, especially when she was driving. It just happened. She told me that she had to get off the phone because traffic was heavy.
Less than a minute later she called back. She told me that she wouldn’t be meeting me for coffee, nor was I still invited on the road trip she is about to take. I figured all this already. She also said she couldn’t believe I had moved on so quickly. It’s been four weeks since the final break up. “Final break-up” being the important statement here. We have been teetering on separation since she freaked out at the Easter backyard camp out.
She hung up on me again. I thought she was really pissed at my calmness, boy was I correct! When she got home she called me again and told me to fuck off. She was mean and sarcastic. I told her that the conversation would end until she could speak to me with respect. That lasted all of two minutes. She couldn’t help telling me to fuck off several more times.
Now the thing is, she’s hurt and angry. She’s also, sadly immature in expressing her feelings. I feel really sorry for her. And I feel really sad that I have caused someone so much pain; I say this even after what comes next.
Text from T “You obviously only care about yourself. I should have kept you rebound material like you were supposed to be in the first place. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!”
Holy cow!! I didn’t respond. It’s a harsh text and I am not sure if she is trying to hurt me or just vent in a big, stupid way. At any rate, I don’t really feel hurt by it because I know it’s not true. She really love(s)(d) me.
Tuesday Morning
I am exactly where I need to be, I need to be exactly where I am. I am a blessing manifest....
“Hello”
“Did you go on myspace last night?”
“No, why?”
“Ummmmm...” Trepidation in the wavering voice of JLB.
“Oh, no. What did she do?”
“It’s her blog. Don’t read it. It’s really upsetting.”
Well, of course, now I have to read it. “Does it have my first and last name?”
“No.”
“How personal are the details?”
“Do you want me to just read it to you?”
“Yes, please.”
Because it’s her work, I won’t post it, but it was really very will written. The title is very catchy. It’s called....wait for it.....wait for it.....”Dear Jen, Fuck You”. Good, right? Now don’t be jealous, somebody could write an awesome poem about you someday too. The whole poem rhymes. I actually like it. Maybe I’ll get her permission to post it on here so all of you can read it. I better give it a few days though. She seems kinda mad.
Alright, that’s enough of my sarcasm. Actually most of what I just wrote is true. She’s a fantastic writer. She is evidently hurt by my calmness, as was cited in her poem.
I am a pretty even keeled person. I do better under high pressure. I stay very calm and take an authoritative position. Which is how I was yesterday. For me to tell her about MsJ and hurt her all over again, was really scary. I knew it would hurt her, I knew she would say the things she did. I could have waited until after the trip, but I think that would have been worse.
I hope she gets perspective soon, so we can get around to having a friendship. I guess only time can tell. All you praying folks, send some up to heaven for her. The rest of you can send her some healing thoughts and energy.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Two Weeks Ago
Two weeks ago it was mutual. Two weeks ago it didn’t hurt. To me it was real and logical. I think to you it was just words. I took those words to heart. You asked if I needed a break and I answered honestly. You seemed to accept my honest answer without question. Was that because you didn’t believe me? Was it because, in your mind, it couldn’t possibly be true? Remember when I told you my biggest fear was hurting you? Well, that time has come. I am so sorry you hurt so bad. I am so sorry I am the one causing your pain. I am sorry you think I did this so I could go make out or fuck some other girl.
The night we met, who knew we would be together this long? Who knew we would share our lives for a time? I have been thinking, would I give that up just to know you were happy at this moment? Maybe, but probably not. We learned and grew. We shared amazing experiences and taught each other about love. I learned new ways to love a person and to accept love.
This space in my chest that was a heart is aching and burning. I want so badly to go back to the beginning and feel that bliss, the whirlwind of happiness before the realities of our lives set in. Before it became clear that I am bound to my house, to my kids. Before the possibility and, now, eventuality of deployment snuck in. Before sex was an issue. Before my wash machine broke.
You are loving, supportive and so much fun to be around. To me, your smile lights a room. Your eyes sparkle like stars. I want this to be enough. Do you think I will come to my senses? Do you think I can see that we really do have a future? Maybe we do, but you are right about not prolonging the pain. You are right about there being no grey area right now. Perhaps through time, I will see that I made an error. If that time comes I will have to deal with your possible rejection. Another blow to a weakened heart. If that time comes and I am willing to take that chance, I will also be ready to accept what comes.
Please know that I love you. Know that I never had any intention to hurt you or make you sad. Know that I am hurting too. My pain and yours. And yours is deeper to me. I have hurt for so many years that my pain is a dull constant, one that was gone for a good portion of six months. I have only caused great sadness to a few people and the sickening pain I feel from you is acute. Know that our close friendship is something I hold dear and never wish to lose. Know that my love is true and real. Know that you are important to me.
The night we met, who knew we would be together this long? Who knew we would share our lives for a time? I have been thinking, would I give that up just to know you were happy at this moment? Maybe, but probably not. We learned and grew. We shared amazing experiences and taught each other about love. I learned new ways to love a person and to accept love.
This space in my chest that was a heart is aching and burning. I want so badly to go back to the beginning and feel that bliss, the whirlwind of happiness before the realities of our lives set in. Before it became clear that I am bound to my house, to my kids. Before the possibility and, now, eventuality of deployment snuck in. Before sex was an issue. Before my wash machine broke.
You are loving, supportive and so much fun to be around. To me, your smile lights a room. Your eyes sparkle like stars. I want this to be enough. Do you think I will come to my senses? Do you think I can see that we really do have a future? Maybe we do, but you are right about not prolonging the pain. You are right about there being no grey area right now. Perhaps through time, I will see that I made an error. If that time comes I will have to deal with your possible rejection. Another blow to a weakened heart. If that time comes and I am willing to take that chance, I will also be ready to accept what comes.
Please know that I love you. Know that I never had any intention to hurt you or make you sad. Know that I am hurting too. My pain and yours. And yours is deeper to me. I have hurt for so many years that my pain is a dull constant, one that was gone for a good portion of six months. I have only caused great sadness to a few people and the sickening pain I feel from you is acute. Know that our close friendship is something I hold dear and never wish to lose. Know that my love is true and real. Know that you are important to me.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I Didn't Do It
I am sitting at the souper salad, alone, writing this, feeling rather forlorn and probably looking pathetic. I don’t feel pathetic, just a little defeated. I’m thinking about ice cream and obese people. I am trying not to eat sugar again and succeeding. Until now. If I have sugar, I blow my no sugar for the week. If I don’t, I miss out on calories, caramel and a crappy mood tomorrow. But peanuts, oreos and sprinkles, oh my. Oh, stop self! Now I’m being pitiful!
Over My Head
Our six month was six days ago. It came and went without recognition. I know I thought about it, I’m sure she did. We had plans to go to a nice dinner. But instead we broke up for good, I think. I feel relief and sadness. Not so much sad for the relationship because what made us strong as a couple is what will keep us strong as friends, but sad that this is another person who couldn’t be my partner. When I look ahead and see my future, aside from the sustainable farm and nifty holistic business, I see living with someone, sharing responsibilities, co-parenting and really talking through decisions. Not just me making them and someone going along out of disinterest. Just by my very nature, she can’t be that person. She is neat and tidy. She never wanted kids. I’m a spontaneous freak, I’m overwhelmed with other shit, my house comes last and I am a mom. Do these things make me the odd one out? Is she out there?
I am attracted to women for so many reasons. Forget the physical for a moment, I know it’s hard, but try. Women are so much more logical and posses the sense of reason. Any woman I would be attracted to, whether friend or more, would be capable, intelligent, able to articulate an abstract thought and have a broad sense of humor. (She’d also have to be able to keep up with me. I’m a fiend! For fun, good music, laughs and great sex.) Anyway, a little off track. I am sure there is someone out there for me who fits my criteria and wants kiddos.
In return, I would be a shitty house-girlfriend, a slut in the bedroom, a true and loyal friend, a great camper, a spontaneous road-tripper, a sappy movie-watcher, a butch handy-woman, and a great mom.
T is so many of these things, not spontaneous and rather annoyed by my spontaneity, as I am to her rigidness. I am so afraid that when it comes down to it, she’s won’t change into the partner I need. Not that she should. She’s beautiful and amazing the way she is, but I think she would be much happier with someone with less baggage. It may not feel like it now, but I think she will be relieved when it finally hits her how much freer she can be without the confines of my motherhood. I want to keep her in my life for a long time to come. I want to see her truly happy, the way she was at the beginning of us.
I hope she wants the same for me. And I hope she can forgive the hurt I am causing her right now. I think what we are doing is the right thing.
I am attracted to women for so many reasons. Forget the physical for a moment, I know it’s hard, but try. Women are so much more logical and posses the sense of reason. Any woman I would be attracted to, whether friend or more, would be capable, intelligent, able to articulate an abstract thought and have a broad sense of humor. (She’d also have to be able to keep up with me. I’m a fiend! For fun, good music, laughs and great sex.) Anyway, a little off track. I am sure there is someone out there for me who fits my criteria and wants kiddos.
In return, I would be a shitty house-girlfriend, a slut in the bedroom, a true and loyal friend, a great camper, a spontaneous road-tripper, a sappy movie-watcher, a butch handy-woman, and a great mom.
T is so many of these things, not spontaneous and rather annoyed by my spontaneity, as I am to her rigidness. I am so afraid that when it comes down to it, she’s won’t change into the partner I need. Not that she should. She’s beautiful and amazing the way she is, but I think she would be much happier with someone with less baggage. It may not feel like it now, but I think she will be relieved when it finally hits her how much freer she can be without the confines of my motherhood. I want to keep her in my life for a long time to come. I want to see her truly happy, the way she was at the beginning of us.
I hope she wants the same for me. And I hope she can forgive the hurt I am causing her right now. I think what we are doing is the right thing.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
If I Were Interviewing Me
Last Thursday night, JLB and I went to Cherry Bomb. Dirty Phoenix wants to interview us for ourchart.com, about how far Jeanette and I have come since October. She kept saying it was sexy how butch I have become. I’m not sure I am. Not on the outside, at least.
How long have you been out?
Me: Exactly somewhere around a year and a month. That’s not too exact, but I’m drunk, so who the fuck cares.
Where were you before?
Me: Thinking about how I could be dead without my kids blaming themselves. I was married to man. Actually I am still married to him. We co-habitate, he hates it. I just don;t care enough to give it hate or love. We have three kids together. Boys. All boys. Being married seems to scare the girls away, but that’s who I am.
Tell me about the you before the gay you.
Me: Pretty much the same. Take charge kinda gal. I always have had a secret longing to have someone take charge for me for once though. Like someone who knows how my brain works and can take logical control and make a decision every once in a while. I like to fix shit; if I don’t know how, I learn quickly. I was and am laid back. I am not a jealous person. I was a sloppy dresser because I was already married and had nobody to impress. Turns out, I like to impress myself and shock my friends with my clothing choices.
When did you first suspect you gayness?
Me: Audra Valaro, 7th grade gym class. Great tits. Still does. (Well as of three years ago.) People ask why I love AZ so much, it’s because 6 month of the year are bathing suit season.
Why’d it take you so long?
Me: Mormons. I grew up in Mesa. Aside from Salt Lake City, the biggest Mormon community in the world. Well, maybe. Anyway, there was little opportunity. Although the more people I meet and re-meet, the more I realize were homos.
How is it being a gay mom?
Me: I prefer queer. Being a mom is great. Dating and motherhood seem to collide. I am very weary of the women who are way into kids. I don’t want them around just cuz they want kids or like mine. I have had to explain, more than I have really wanted to, that I am a person first and a mom second. Just like if I was an accountant, that would be my job, not my persona. And that really goes both ways, the woman who is freaked about the kids and the one who is drawn to them.
How many kids do you have?
Me: I have three boys. Three of the most beautiful, amazing, smart, witty wonderful children ever put on this earth. They re 9, 8 and 5 (in late May).
You mentioned earlier you prefer queer; why is that?
Me: I think sometimes gay gets a bad rap. Not that I am afraid of gay or fighting for the right to be gay. Really, I’m just a little tired of fighting. Queer is a more tame, all encompassing word. I am supportive of those who identify as gay, I just like queer.
Do you consider yourself butch?
Me: Hmm...(chuckle) Let me see, is wearing a dress butch? Sometimes I like the way the wind feels on my yoni. I do wear pants and shorts more often than not, but I like to feel sexy in a dress too. (I have been know to wear sequin panties from time to time.) On the inside though, that’s a different story. I like to hold the door, fix the appliances and change my own oil. I like my hair short and I like to be dirty, like camping. I think that if given the opportunity, I would be a fantastic top, but I do have my nelly bottom times. I really like my puss sucked and liked and fucked! So really, I don’t think I fit into this category. I’m a J. Let’s start a new category. Oh I forgot, I really like the more butch girls to date. A little boi on boi action!
It’s getting late, any last thoughts?
Me: I think I should go to bed soon. I’m beat and I have to work tomorrow. Peace, love and big hugs. Don’t rush this life. It may be a while ‘til you get to the next one.
How long have you been out?
Me: Exactly somewhere around a year and a month. That’s not too exact, but I’m drunk, so who the fuck cares.
Where were you before?
Me: Thinking about how I could be dead without my kids blaming themselves. I was married to man. Actually I am still married to him. We co-habitate, he hates it. I just don;t care enough to give it hate or love. We have three kids together. Boys. All boys. Being married seems to scare the girls away, but that’s who I am.
Tell me about the you before the gay you.
Me: Pretty much the same. Take charge kinda gal. I always have had a secret longing to have someone take charge for me for once though. Like someone who knows how my brain works and can take logical control and make a decision every once in a while. I like to fix shit; if I don’t know how, I learn quickly. I was and am laid back. I am not a jealous person. I was a sloppy dresser because I was already married and had nobody to impress. Turns out, I like to impress myself and shock my friends with my clothing choices.
When did you first suspect you gayness?
Me: Audra Valaro, 7th grade gym class. Great tits. Still does. (Well as of three years ago.) People ask why I love AZ so much, it’s because 6 month of the year are bathing suit season.
Why’d it take you so long?
Me: Mormons. I grew up in Mesa. Aside from Salt Lake City, the biggest Mormon community in the world. Well, maybe. Anyway, there was little opportunity. Although the more people I meet and re-meet, the more I realize were homos.
How is it being a gay mom?
Me: I prefer queer. Being a mom is great. Dating and motherhood seem to collide. I am very weary of the women who are way into kids. I don’t want them around just cuz they want kids or like mine. I have had to explain, more than I have really wanted to, that I am a person first and a mom second. Just like if I was an accountant, that would be my job, not my persona. And that really goes both ways, the woman who is freaked about the kids and the one who is drawn to them.
How many kids do you have?
Me: I have three boys. Three of the most beautiful, amazing, smart, witty wonderful children ever put on this earth. They re 9, 8 and 5 (in late May).
You mentioned earlier you prefer queer; why is that?
Me: I think sometimes gay gets a bad rap. Not that I am afraid of gay or fighting for the right to be gay. Really, I’m just a little tired of fighting. Queer is a more tame, all encompassing word. I am supportive of those who identify as gay, I just like queer.
Do you consider yourself butch?
Me: Hmm...(chuckle) Let me see, is wearing a dress butch? Sometimes I like the way the wind feels on my yoni. I do wear pants and shorts more often than not, but I like to feel sexy in a dress too. (I have been know to wear sequin panties from time to time.) On the inside though, that’s a different story. I like to hold the door, fix the appliances and change my own oil. I like my hair short and I like to be dirty, like camping. I think that if given the opportunity, I would be a fantastic top, but I do have my nelly bottom times. I really like my puss sucked and liked and fucked! So really, I don’t think I fit into this category. I’m a J. Let’s start a new category. Oh I forgot, I really like the more butch girls to date. A little boi on boi action!
It’s getting late, any last thoughts?
Me: I think I should go to bed soon. I’m beat and I have to work tomorrow. Peace, love and big hugs. Don’t rush this life. It may be a while ‘til you get to the next one.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
What Are You Going to Hell For? Random Anonymous Spurts of Sin.
I polled several people at my local coffee shop and I took advantage of the drunks at the bar next door, then later friends on the phone (also drunk). Some of these are mine. My REALLY good friends will be able to pick them all out. No worries if you can’t pick them all out, it doesn’t mean I don’t trust you, just that I didn’t remember til now!! Don’t ask me to tell you who said what, because I would never. That’s the point. I’m like a priest and if you’re lucky....I will absolve you of your sins, my child.
~Thinking about Down’s syndrome kids when I see the crosswalk sign that says “Slow Children”
~Burning ants with a magnifying glass
~Accidentally killing a kitten in the dryer
~Loving retarded people for all the wrong reasons (Not sex, dumb ass)
~Having sex in my friends (plural) bed
~Having sex in my parents bed
~Looking at porn on my parents bed
~Masturbation
~I love midgets
~Pooping in the pool and blaming on someone else
~Wanting to lick my gf’s butthole, baby
~Losing my virginity at 13 to a 16 year old in the chapel of church camp in Estes Park, CO
~Having a 4some at a trailer park public shower when I was 14, the girls were 21 and they thought I was Irish
~One night stand on a bench in front of office max
~One night stand in New Orleans, she made me take my cross necklace off
~Gave a BJ to my boyfriend in the back seat while my mom was driving
~Watched my mom’s porn
~Used to fall asleep listening to Dr Ruth, when I was 6
~Stole 20 bucks from a homeless dude once, I was homeless at the time
~Had sex with my parents.......Russian exchange student....a lot
~Stealing from the store I worked at
~Having sex while my friends were having sex on the next bed over
~Cheated on a college assignment
~Told girls I was gay, so I wouldn’t have to date them
~I’m a lesbian and I hate Ani D
~Had sex in my sisters bed left the condom on her pillow
~Faked orgasms with my last gf
~Ended an 11 year relationship between two guys. The one I fucked before he went to prison, the other while the one was in the slammer. Fell in love with both...dropped them both when they fell in love with me.
~1st (5) gay experience(s) were with my girl cousins’ boyfriend. No worries, she’s a lesbian now and he’s in prison.
~My last gf hit a cat in my car and killed it. We drove away.
~Kicked my friend’s chair out from under her in the cafeteria at school. She fell on her ass.
~Paid my sister to make my bed every morning, took the money out of her piggy bank to pay her.
~Told my sister bird shit was a tootsie roll, she ate it.
~Once treated my sisters infected earring hole with dog penis cream.
~Used my parents mini van for “work purposes” when I was really meeting people I met on the internet.
~Cheated on my husband.
~Worked at a restaurant, when someone just wanted a smoothie, I accepted the money, as a tip.
~I knit while I drive.
~Used to give my sister swirlies.
~My barbies had better sex than I ever have, until now, baby!
~I only played with dolls that shit themselves cuz they were more masculine.
~I thought about fucking women while HE was fucking me.
~I used to give him mercy fucks and call them “Fuck Fridays”.
~Accomplice to adultery
~Breaking the law
~Smoking crank at my parents house.
~Lying and cheating in general.
~Saying God Dammit in church.
~Gave my brothers’ wedding speech while I was I high on coke.
~Fucking a dude in the Amsterdam parking lot, halfway out of the car. I was supposed to be following a chic home...
~Ended three hetero marriages with kids by fucking the wives....I still love all the kids.
~I used to spank the dolls my mom made me because I hated dolls.
~I licked my cousins vagina in the sixth grade.
~Sometimes I wish I had a penis so I could fuck my gf with it.
~I used to make Ken sodomize Barbie.
~I used to give my Barbie dyke haircuts.
~I only went to church cuz my grandma bought me donuts.
~Had sex in the church my sister-in-law got married in, in the room she got dressed in
Leave your confessions in the comments if you dare or drop me an email and I will post them for you. It will feel a whole lot better to get these things off your chest! We’re all going to hell on a short bus and I’m driving!
~Thinking about Down’s syndrome kids when I see the crosswalk sign that says “Slow Children”
~Burning ants with a magnifying glass
~Accidentally killing a kitten in the dryer
~Loving retarded people for all the wrong reasons (Not sex, dumb ass)
~Having sex in my friends (plural) bed
~Having sex in my parents bed
~Looking at porn on my parents bed
~Masturbation
~I love midgets
~Pooping in the pool and blaming on someone else
~Wanting to lick my gf’s butthole, baby
~Losing my virginity at 13 to a 16 year old in the chapel of church camp in Estes Park, CO
~Having a 4some at a trailer park public shower when I was 14, the girls were 21 and they thought I was Irish
~One night stand on a bench in front of office max
~One night stand in New Orleans, she made me take my cross necklace off
~Gave a BJ to my boyfriend in the back seat while my mom was driving
~Watched my mom’s porn
~Used to fall asleep listening to Dr Ruth, when I was 6
~Stole 20 bucks from a homeless dude once, I was homeless at the time
~Had sex with my parents.......Russian exchange student....a lot
~Stealing from the store I worked at
~Having sex while my friends were having sex on the next bed over
~Cheated on a college assignment
~Told girls I was gay, so I wouldn’t have to date them
~I’m a lesbian and I hate Ani D
~Had sex in my sisters bed left the condom on her pillow
~Faked orgasms with my last gf
~Ended an 11 year relationship between two guys. The one I fucked before he went to prison, the other while the one was in the slammer. Fell in love with both...dropped them both when they fell in love with me.
~1st (5) gay experience(s) were with my girl cousins’ boyfriend. No worries, she’s a lesbian now and he’s in prison.
~My last gf hit a cat in my car and killed it. We drove away.
~Kicked my friend’s chair out from under her in the cafeteria at school. She fell on her ass.
~Paid my sister to make my bed every morning, took the money out of her piggy bank to pay her.
~Told my sister bird shit was a tootsie roll, she ate it.
~Once treated my sisters infected earring hole with dog penis cream.
~Used my parents mini van for “work purposes” when I was really meeting people I met on the internet.
~Cheated on my husband.
~Worked at a restaurant, when someone just wanted a smoothie, I accepted the money, as a tip.
~I knit while I drive.
~Used to give my sister swirlies.
~My barbies had better sex than I ever have, until now, baby!
~I only played with dolls that shit themselves cuz they were more masculine.
~I thought about fucking women while HE was fucking me.
~I used to give him mercy fucks and call them “Fuck Fridays”.
~Accomplice to adultery
~Breaking the law
~Smoking crank at my parents house.
~Lying and cheating in general.
~Saying God Dammit in church.
~Gave my brothers’ wedding speech while I was I high on coke.
~Fucking a dude in the Amsterdam parking lot, halfway out of the car. I was supposed to be following a chic home...
~Ended three hetero marriages with kids by fucking the wives....I still love all the kids.
~I used to spank the dolls my mom made me because I hated dolls.
~I licked my cousins vagina in the sixth grade.
~Sometimes I wish I had a penis so I could fuck my gf with it.
~I used to make Ken sodomize Barbie.
~I used to give my Barbie dyke haircuts.
~I only went to church cuz my grandma bought me donuts.
~Had sex in the church my sister-in-law got married in, in the room she got dressed in
Leave your confessions in the comments if you dare or drop me an email and I will post them for you. It will feel a whole lot better to get these things off your chest! We’re all going to hell on a short bus and I’m driving!
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
You Were Wearing What?
Popped that vicoden pretty late. Things didn’t really get started until later in the evening. Drag shows are fun, but the best part is how many broad spectrum butch types come out to play. Lots of eye candy. Yum yum. I think we all get the point, the girls are hotter when the kings are out!! Everyone is drinking around me and I start to get thirsty. “Ok Andy, just two Kamikozes.” ($1.50 shot special) The first one goes down nice and fast, the second is touching my lips when my ass starts vibrating.
It’s K, my sis. She never calls when I am out at the bar, so I know it must be something. I’m not prepared for what is about to unfold. She’s sobbing. Her car was hit from behind, the other driver fled and she’s hurt and confused. B drives me to help her. I called my mom on the way and my mom called my dad.
When we arrive, she is out of the car and shaken. The car is a total loss, the ass is dragging on the ground. Two hot cops, like ten not-hot cops. The chic cop standing with K was blonde and way cute. Being as I was not sober, I may have said rather loudly that the cop was super good looking. The Blonde Cop (BC) asked K for her registration and and proof of insurance. “In the glove box,” K said, “I’ll get it.” BC explains it is her job to get that stuff and for K to stay put.
K turns to me, fear in her eyes, “I left a blunt in the car.” Shit, K! K’s shaking in her boots now. BC opens the car door, goes for the glove box, then sniffs, keeps sniffing, then the flashlight starts roaming. Seats are being pushed forward. Compartments opened. Ah-ha!! Bingo, BC finds what she’s looking for. She also pulls out the paperwork. She calls her Sargent over for a sniff.
“Hello? Hi, Mom.” “Was she holding?” “Uhhhh...yes...” “Shit, how could she? Shit, why? Shit, Fuck, Dammit K[‘s whole first name]. I have told her time and again not to drive with that shit!” (What we should all understand is that, just like the old PSA of the early 90’s, we learned it from watching you Mom. Both my folks are pot smokers. My mom is more functioning than my dad, who is a giggler. “Uhh, hang on Mom, Dad’s on the other line.”
“Hello?” “J, it’s your dad. Was she holding?” “Ummm....yeah.” “Shit, J, why was she doing that? Doesn’t she know that this kind of arrest could ruin her life?” “I’m sure she does, Dad. Listen, Mom’s on the other line, can I call you back?” “Call me as soon as you know what’s happening...”
“Mom...?” “I’m here.” (Yucky, stern, “her” voice.) “What’s happening? Is she getting arrested, I have told her time and time again, Do Not Carry That Shit Around. Tell her I said that.” “I can’t really mom, she’s talking to the cop.” “Oh my god, oh my god.” I can just read her thoughts, ‘How will I explain this event of my white trash children to my sisters and brother? How did I fail my girls? They are pothead, lesbian whores. How could my girls fail me. I brought them up to be ladies..’ “Uhh, Mom, I’ll call you back.”
“They let me go. BC said she and the sarge would let it go, pretend they didn’t see it, but no more smoking in the car.” Ok, does this shit really happen in real life? I guess so. (Unless they’re about cockroaches, my stories are non-fiction. Who knows why some people get off and some people blow .01 over the legal limit? It’s a mystery.)
“Hello?” “Well?” “Hi Dad. It’s all good.” “What do you mean, It’s all good? Is she getting arrested?” “No...., it ok.” Seriously, I don’t know how much more clear I can be high on Vic, adrenalin and alcohol. I don’t know how much K told the BC about what she was really carrying. Hang on Dad, Mom’s ringing in...
“Hello?” “Well?” Jesus, maybe I should just three way. “She’s fine. It’s all good.” “What do you mean?” “I mean, they let it go.” “How is that? They just let her go? Well, why?” “I don’t know, I don’t think I should ask.” Shit I forgot about Dad on the other line. Hang up, hang up, call you later when I have more info.
BC- “The tow truck is here, you want to get any thing out of the car?” K needs her CD’s out of the center console. I get them...the blunt is still there!! They left it. They really did pretend not to see it. The luck of the Mexican-German-Dutch, I suppose. “K, do you need your coats?” I yell across two lanes. K thinks about it. Before she can answer, Sarge, says “Ask her if she wants her blunt.” I almost peed my pants right then and there. “I’m not gonna yell that in front of you, besides, I already know, Hell Yeah she wants it. She just got rammed in the backside!”
I am not sure if B will ever hang out with me again, but I am sure he laughed his ass off this night. We get what we can out of the car. On the way to B’s car, Mom calls..again. She’s asking me all sorts of questions while K is trying to tell us what BC said. Then, K, not knowing Mom was on the phone, says, “The best part is, when I got hit, all I was wearing was my panties, high heels and my coat.” Holy fuck!! “I don’t think you want me to tell Mom that.” “Shit, that’s Mom on the phone?”
Mom, “Blah, blah, blah, bla....What was she wearing? Tell me she did not just say only her panites...."
It’s K, my sis. She never calls when I am out at the bar, so I know it must be something. I’m not prepared for what is about to unfold. She’s sobbing. Her car was hit from behind, the other driver fled and she’s hurt and confused. B drives me to help her. I called my mom on the way and my mom called my dad.
When we arrive, she is out of the car and shaken. The car is a total loss, the ass is dragging on the ground. Two hot cops, like ten not-hot cops. The chic cop standing with K was blonde and way cute. Being as I was not sober, I may have said rather loudly that the cop was super good looking. The Blonde Cop (BC) asked K for her registration and and proof of insurance. “In the glove box,” K said, “I’ll get it.” BC explains it is her job to get that stuff and for K to stay put.
K turns to me, fear in her eyes, “I left a blunt in the car.” Shit, K! K’s shaking in her boots now. BC opens the car door, goes for the glove box, then sniffs, keeps sniffing, then the flashlight starts roaming. Seats are being pushed forward. Compartments opened. Ah-ha!! Bingo, BC finds what she’s looking for. She also pulls out the paperwork. She calls her Sargent over for a sniff.
“Hello? Hi, Mom.” “Was she holding?” “Uhhhh...yes...” “Shit, how could she? Shit, why? Shit, Fuck, Dammit K[‘s whole first name]. I have told her time and again not to drive with that shit!” (What we should all understand is that, just like the old PSA of the early 90’s, we learned it from watching you Mom. Both my folks are pot smokers. My mom is more functioning than my dad, who is a giggler. “Uhh, hang on Mom, Dad’s on the other line.”
“Hello?” “J, it’s your dad. Was she holding?” “Ummm....yeah.” “Shit, J, why was she doing that? Doesn’t she know that this kind of arrest could ruin her life?” “I’m sure she does, Dad. Listen, Mom’s on the other line, can I call you back?” “Call me as soon as you know what’s happening...”
“Mom...?” “I’m here.” (Yucky, stern, “her” voice.) “What’s happening? Is she getting arrested, I have told her time and time again, Do Not Carry That Shit Around. Tell her I said that.” “I can’t really mom, she’s talking to the cop.” “Oh my god, oh my god.” I can just read her thoughts, ‘How will I explain this event of my white trash children to my sisters and brother? How did I fail my girls? They are pothead, lesbian whores. How could my girls fail me. I brought them up to be ladies..’ “Uhh, Mom, I’ll call you back.”
“They let me go. BC said she and the sarge would let it go, pretend they didn’t see it, but no more smoking in the car.” Ok, does this shit really happen in real life? I guess so. (Unless they’re about cockroaches, my stories are non-fiction. Who knows why some people get off and some people blow .01 over the legal limit? It’s a mystery.)
“Hello?” “Well?” “Hi Dad. It’s all good.” “What do you mean, It’s all good? Is she getting arrested?” “No...., it ok.” Seriously, I don’t know how much more clear I can be high on Vic, adrenalin and alcohol. I don’t know how much K told the BC about what she was really carrying. Hang on Dad, Mom’s ringing in...
“Hello?” “Well?” Jesus, maybe I should just three way. “She’s fine. It’s all good.” “What do you mean?” “I mean, they let it go.” “How is that? They just let her go? Well, why?” “I don’t know, I don’t think I should ask.” Shit I forgot about Dad on the other line. Hang up, hang up, call you later when I have more info.
BC- “The tow truck is here, you want to get any thing out of the car?” K needs her CD’s out of the center console. I get them...the blunt is still there!! They left it. They really did pretend not to see it. The luck of the Mexican-German-Dutch, I suppose. “K, do you need your coats?” I yell across two lanes. K thinks about it. Before she can answer, Sarge, says “Ask her if she wants her blunt.” I almost peed my pants right then and there. “I’m not gonna yell that in front of you, besides, I already know, Hell Yeah she wants it. She just got rammed in the backside!”
I am not sure if B will ever hang out with me again, but I am sure he laughed his ass off this night. We get what we can out of the car. On the way to B’s car, Mom calls..again. She’s asking me all sorts of questions while K is trying to tell us what BC said. Then, K, not knowing Mom was on the phone, says, “The best part is, when I got hit, all I was wearing was my panties, high heels and my coat.” Holy fuck!! “I don’t think you want me to tell Mom that.” “Shit, that’s Mom on the phone?”
Mom, “Blah, blah, blah, bla....What was she wearing? Tell me she did not just say only her panites...."
Monday, April 07, 2008
Anniversary Thoughts (April 3)
Today is my wedding anniversary. Anyone remember last year? I took E to a hockey game and didn’t even remember it was my anniversary until I got home and saw the gift on my bed. I still remember, HE got me, the newest Post Secret book. It was sitting on my bed with a card and a note.
HE was so full of hope for the future. HE wanted so badly for our marriage to work out. I think now HE knows that it just couldn’t, that I couldn’t go on any longer, I was ready to just be dead.
This year, for the first time ever, I remembered without having to be reminded weeks before hand and without having to look on the silver champagne goblets. This year, also for the first time, I got HIM a gift. Less of an anniversary gift and more of an, “I’m sorry.” gift. I’m sorry I didn’t take into account HIS dreams when I followed mine. I’m sorry I didn't think about HIS feelings when I wanted to heal my wounds.
That being said, would I still choose the path that I am on now, knowing what I do today? Yes. Yes. and Yes. I finally belong. I finally fit my body. I know what my needs are and I can attend to them. My head isn’t such a jumbled fried mess anymore. I would hope I would be more sensitive to HIM.
HE was so full of hope for the future. HE wanted so badly for our marriage to work out. I think now HE knows that it just couldn’t, that I couldn’t go on any longer, I was ready to just be dead.
This year, for the first time ever, I remembered without having to be reminded weeks before hand and without having to look on the silver champagne goblets. This year, also for the first time, I got HIM a gift. Less of an anniversary gift and more of an, “I’m sorry.” gift. I’m sorry I didn’t take into account HIS dreams when I followed mine. I’m sorry I didn't think about HIS feelings when I wanted to heal my wounds.
That being said, would I still choose the path that I am on now, knowing what I do today? Yes. Yes. and Yes. I finally belong. I finally fit my body. I know what my needs are and I can attend to them. My head isn’t such a jumbled fried mess anymore. I would hope I would be more sensitive to HIM.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I Won I Won
So I entered a writing contest about a month ago. I won. I won I won I won I won I won!!!!! Who would have thought? I am so excited. The professor running the contest called me about 11:30 this morning and told me. He said I would have to read my piece aloud on April the 22. I started panicking, “Which piece won?” You see I entered in the Sex. poem and I am bold, but bold enough to read that out loud...not sure about that. He laughed and told me my fiction piece was the winner. (Conspiracy Theory Proven) I said, “Good. Not sure I would have enough guts to read the poem out loud.” He said the content of the poem was why it couldn’t win. So really, I won two of the three categories. But sex is still too scary, I guess. I feel on top of the world right now and really nervous!! I will practice reading every day. If anyone wants to come, it’s on April 22, at Gateway Community College. 40th St and Washington. The reading starts at noon. Holy cow!!!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Captured and Logged
Sitting at T's dorm on base and looking up some research for my gender projects paper. I am using free wireless connection from the bar that's on base. I just looked up Sugarbutch Chronicles, hit enter and WARNING!!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!! The 56th Squadron does not authorized this type of website. My "session information has been captured and logged". Dear goddess!!!!!! Whatever shall I do? Cuba just allowed it's citizen's to have cell phones, but they are communist, so all is explained, but we are in the US. Where are the rights? Fuck this place. Fuck a government who can claim freedom and yet still oppress it's people. Fuck the 56th and all it's tyranny!!!
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