If...

If we met at a different time, if you could still play, if I didn't have so much school, if we would have let each other in, if I fought harder to keep us, if I just kept my knowledge of the kiss to myself, if we weren't intoxicated, if you didn't kiss her, if I didn't have expectations, if you weren't already cracked, would things be different?, would I be crying every day?, would you be sitting on your patio, smoking, wishing you were not here? So much of my pain is watching you struggle. It's nearly unbearable to see you hurting so bad. I wish I could take your pain on. I can handle it. I just want you to be happy. With or without me in your life. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for so many laughs. Thank you for your passion. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you.

Such a Baby

This pain is intolerable. I can't stand this weight in my chest anymore. I want her near. I want her to hold me and tell me there's been a mistake and we can go on happy, because we weren't unhappy. She's just as raw as I am, hurting just as bad. I think that makes it worse that she's hurting so bad, because I am hurting worse cuz she is. Fucking no win circle. I am sleeping alone again tonight. Crying myself to sleep again. I should be all dried up. When will it stop feeling like my world is collapsing in on my chest and pushing the air right out of me?

tender hearts

the tears just won’t stop
every idle moment brings a new wave
it’s so consuming and overwhelming
my eyes burn from sunrise to sunset
it wasn’t supposed to end that night

making it harder and easier
are my three valiant knights
quietly rallying around me
and demanding i meet their requirements
they sense the sad, they don’t know why

when i saw the new picture
two new streams started down my face
it’s evident how much she is hurting
and my heart is shattered in a thousand pieces
this can’t be right, this can’t be finished

she made a promise
to hold me that way again
she doesn’t make promises
so this must be real
but i feel foolish holding this hope

so i need to give her thinking room
let her be with herself
but it’s too much for me
knowing she’s so close and i can’t touch her
i miss her terribly

If we're both

so sad, is it the right decision? We are both hurting so bad. Isn't one person supposed to be happier? The night of January 11 was one of the saddest of my life. We are both just so sad. Ca someone tell me if it's right? Should I fight to keep us together? I just want to hold her. Want all the hurt to go away. Want her in my arms again.

matters of her

no matter how bad it hurts
she still keeps
pounding
in her cave

each pound reminds me
that my hell continues
til
she decides to

stop

when will she decide
that i have
had enough
breaking
and repairing

when?

will the pain
surrounding
her finally push her to
surrender and

succumb

if she turned
to stone
un-penetrable

would the heavy
weight of her
pounding granite
feel

better

than the empty
pain of
want

her presence
leaves little
room

to breathe

i feel her laying
slightly to
my left
warming
revitalizing
pushing me

but i don’t
want her there
anymore
i
don’t
think

she drags me
kicking and
screaming
to bliss


then she leaves
me
to navigate
her journey

alone

I Love You

To believe in three words so much
that all humanity is based on the
middle word alone
is asinine

Titleless

It's not often that I write so honestly and expose more than just surface emotion, THEN POST, but I am going to try to hit the post button when I am done. It may only be up for a second, before I freak and take it down.

I am not sure about this girl I am dating. I am sure that I love her, don't get me wrong. The thing is, is that sometimes I feel like I am just biding my time with her. I feel like we really don't have much of a future. I hear you all saying, "Nobody knows what the future hold." True, my lovies, nobody, not even me, knows what the future has in store for any of us. Who knew I would be here right now?

I know that we are so different and yet when we are together, those differences disappear. She melts into me and I into her, yet we can be so separate and still comfortable. (I have to admit that I am still holding back a lot of emotion and fear, because I am not writing this on Word first. Possibly, though, if I was writing in word I would never even have the chance to post. I am trying though.)

Alright, sometimes I feel really self aware around her. I can read her so easily most of the time and I can sense when she's questioning being with me. It makes me wiggle in my seat just a little. I try to act normal, but I think that just exaserbates the situation. I feel like she questions her choice of a girlfriend that is poor and less, shall we say sophisticated, than her. Then I remember that she loves me and I haven't, until Thursday night, questioned that. (Thursday, she finally called me and pretty much told me she was singlehandedly deciding the future of our relationship. At that point I questioned how strong the love and respect was.)

Just when I start feeling so insecure, she pops off with an amazing text or a gift or a fantasic date or, the best, words whispered in my ear.

She and I have different goals, values, ages. She has a lot still left to learn about how life really is. She has been handed every opportunity, I work for my mine. I don't begrudge her that. In fact, I think it would be harder to fall flat on my face from such a height, then to start out on my ass. Her world is crashing around her; it is a fragile world she lives in. I want to be there for that crash. I want to help her wash her bloody nose and get back on her feet. I know she will withdraw, this has become very evident.

Three times now she has pulled away. Once when she questioned being a mom to my kids, which I never asked her to do. Once when she got very depressed and ran back home to her uber controlling dad. (nothing to do with me.) And this last fight we had. In some ways I am very jealous that she can run because I can never get too far without one of three or all three getting hungry, needing to pee or not wanting to leave in the first place. I envy her freedom, or do I? Perhaps if I had her freedom to withdraw, I would never resurface. She is strong enough to resurface. A quality I admire in her as well as wish she didn't have to use.

She's so used to hiding from and simultaniously dealing with the pain, she sees no other way. And antidepressants help too. I refuse to deal with my pain using a daily dose. (Drunk cupcake baking doesn't count since I haven't drank since.) Her way of dealing frightens me because I can't be around all the time to not let her pull away. I wish I could stand between her and herself, but I also don't want to be her saviour all the time. Part of me hopes thats she will see that talking about certain things and throwing caution and trust to the wind may not be as hazardous as they sound. I want to be her rock.

I am also very aware that we are still in the getting to know you stage. We have been together since the moment I met her three and a half months ago. Yet, she has been out of town for about forty of those days, with minimal contact. When she gets back in town there are hours used up getting back into the comfort zone. (I like my freedom when she is gone, I want a little more communication, but otherwise...) Being still in this getting to know you phase of our relationship, neither of us fully trust the other. I still tell her only surface hurts, I know that's all she shares with me, as evidence of something she said Thursday night. She said I just should have known how sad she was. (Not a fair assumption, I know. I told her so.) Hopefully, one day, I will know how sad she is by her mannerisms alone. Hopefully.

We have so much to learn from each other yet. We still haven't seen each other since the fight on Tuesday. It's Saturday. She texted last night and asked if we could start over. I said yes. Of course I said yes. I am not ready to end this thing yet. I am so curious of why we are together, what this crazy universe has in mind, that I don't want to let her go...just yet, if not ever, but like I said before, I have no idea where this life will lead us.

I like to think I am very present with her. For the most part, I am. Only when I start to feel a little off balance, do I think into the future and the lives we both envision. Her big house with windows facing a lake holding our motorboat. My one room cabin in the woods, wood-burning stove to heat the place, drinking from the stream down the path. Her incredibly fast, fancy Audi; my worn leather feet. Yet there is a middle ground that I have often thought of. She wants a place by the lake. We can build with straw bails. My practice could be an out building. Then the questions start forming. Will she grow out of the allure of money equals comfort and happiness? Will I come to realize that a comfortable lifestyle is something I like? Will she start thinking for herself instead of relying on "what's always been done" in her family? (ie The women don't work.) Can we learn to communicate more effectively? Is she the one who I will learn the most from? How will I evolve?

I am working on my patience, I really am, but it's hard not to want to know all the answers now. Especially when I want to know in the name (excuse) of saving further hurt. I really tried to be super honest and open in this post. I think I was, but I also know there is still so much I deleted that I will have to write in Word and not post.

Today

I am so much more sad today than last night. She texted last night just to make sure I got home safe. It was a nice enough text. It took me a while to text back because I couldn't think of what to write. I'm home seemed too short and mad and anything else seemed like I was justifying my position. I settled on telling her that I know what it's like to have your world rocked.

I texted today to tell her I hoped she had a good lunch date. Hours later I got one back. Now it's 615 in the evening, almost 24 hours since the fight and I am so sad. I just want to hear from her. I called and left a message, but haven't heard back. I fucking hate this time between a fight and a make up. I'm on edge and it doesn't help that the little ones mirror my mood.

I'm just sad. Why do fights always have to be about stupid shit? When will it all be better?

Sadly,

me

UPDATE: She finally texted and said she needed space tonight. I was already drunk and baking cupcakes by then. I fucking miss my gf. I really love that girl.

That Sucked

We just had our first fight. She is very upset that her injury has put her out of the game for the year. She has known this since Thanksgiving, but it sinks in further every day. Today offered her another reminder that she can't play. She barely brushed on it. She didn't and doesn't tell me her feelings when they are bad. It's just inferred. She was really distant to me. Really distant. She kept making little remarks to me and using what I felt was a snide tone.

Finally, it got to me. I asked her if she was frustrated with me and if not, what was she frustrated with because it was very apparent. She told me to leave. That she couldn't believe that I would add my sensitivities to her bad day. I could have waited til tomorrow to tell her how I felt. Obviously I couldn't. I just don't like being talked to like that. I tried to rationalize with her, but it's good I left.

I'm home now. I really want to tell her that I know. I know what it's like to have the life you envisioned for yourself torn from your grasp. I am so frustrated with her for not sharing exactly how she is feeling. I've been there, I know what it's like. I maybe should have been more sensitive to how she is feeling because I do know.

Possibly even more frustrating is the little lesson I am catching onto. I was really angry with her for not sharing her feelings when I haven't once let on how fearful I am. She has no clue what goes on in my head. I don't tell her because I don't want to burden her. How can I be angry with her for something I do (or, really, don't do)?

New Years Update

Met the parents. I need to start at the beginning of the night. She came to pick me up. When she walked in, she stopped and just looked at me. Then she said, "You look hot." Right. I did good with the outfit. In the kitchen, she told me that she got me a New Years gift, since we decided not to exchange christmas gifts. I said that wasn't fair and there was no such thing as a New Years gift. She said it's a Canadian thing. I called bullshit. She said "Canadian underground." (Witty girl, she is.) I closed my eyes as instructed and when I opened them, she was holding a necklace. The charm is a perfectly weighted white gold ball, with one side of the ball carved out and a small diamond set in the center. I was speechless. I love it.

With the necklace on, we headed out the door. When we got to her house, I was told to wait out by the car while she retrieved her parents. I was super nervous at this point and this standing and waiting didn't help. Her mum came out first. She looks like a really short Hillary Clinton. I introduced myself and held out my hand, which was promptly pushed away and replaced by a hug. Was nice. Her dad was next. Like a giant Nick Nolte, he lumbered toward me and hugged me.

I was a less nervous by now. The ride to the Ocean Club seemed like it took forever. They asked me a zillion questions about me, my kids, my schooling, my work, my future plans. My goal to be a doctor and how I will achieve it. I felt like I talked too much. (I asked her later and she said I didn't.) She said something that I didn't hear. I said, "What's that, hun?" This is something I say alot, to anyone.

When we got to the restaurant, we were immediately served champagne. I usually don't like champagne, but this was tasty. Maybe because I was so needing it, maybe because it wasn't the usual Brut my family serves at New Years. We were seated right in front of the live band, so at least there wasn't much talking. A toast to the New Year and new friends. Cheers. "Lemondrop Martini, please." (In Ocean Club speak, that is two martinis for the price of one. To regular bar standards, it's about four shots of vodka. Can anyone else see a problem?)

After the toast, the couple next to us was seated. He's huge and goofy looking. She's absolutely gorgeous. And when she takes her coat off, her boobs are just staring at me. I couldn't help, but look. I remember that I am being watched, so I quickly turn back to my drink and look up just in time to see her dad watching me check out the girls tits. Good one, self! Fuck.

I have to pee. I excuse myself from the table. Stand up and oh shit, I'm a little tipsy. I have to walk really slow, they can't know. Especially because I just ordered another martini. In the restroom, I meet Pinky. She the bathroom attendant, because people in Scottsdale can't get their own paper towels. I tipped Pinky well because I would hate to be stuck in the bathroom all night on New Years. She's pretty funny. In typical me style, I make friends with the bathroom attendant. Apparently while I am in the bathroom, my gf's dad says to her, "So you two are just friends?" She says, "Yes, we're friends." She can sure skirt around the truth.

Back the table, my gf asks me if I had noticed the chic with the boobs. I told her of course and I told her that her dad catching me looking once was enough for me. My other martini was there. Yum. I start to have to tell myself that every move I make must be slow and controlled. Once I make contact with the glass, I must have a firm grip on it before I move it to my lips. And so it went, this dialogue in my head. Her mom staring at me the whole time, her dad judging me, sizing me up, making sure I am worthy of his daughter. (At this point he can't get it out of her, her gayness remains a secret.)

The matre de, James, walks up to my gf and they exchange hugs. He puts his hand on my shoulder and say, "It's nice to see you again." Her dad tilts his head at this. See James is in on the big gay secret.

I have to go again. Slow and steady, I don't think I am really walking crooked, just seeing crooked. "Hey Pinky, girl. How you doin?" You know those stupid MySpace surveys going around right now about 2008? There's one question about the dumbest thing you did while drunk. Well here it is. "Pinky, you want me to go get you a plate of that Alaskan King Crab? I'll bring it back in here for you." She replies, "Girl, you a riot. I'll lose my job. Now you want some lotion?"

Eleven o'clock. She tells her parents we are leaving. And so we go. I am super trashed. I NEVER get this trashed. I am always so good at stopping myself before sloppy. Yeah, not so much this time. Hugs and thank you's all around. We decide to come back to my place. I'm thinking we should have a fire, then I'm thinking, Fuck I'm drunk. I can't light a damn fire. I'll burn my house down. So we sit on the porch swing and smoke some weed. I thought I was fucked up before, well I had another thing coming. We weren't paying attention to the time, so when the first gunshots of New Years rang out, we were a little surprised. Much kissing ensued.

The next day after she left, I received these texts:

"Mum loves u by the way, dad likes you but didn't like u calling me hun lol, im like dude she calls everyone hun, hes like its how she said it" (This particular text was accidently sent to her dad. And he asked if lol meant lots of love. Great.)

Next text:

"Hes like shes infatuated with u, its the way she looks at u..."

Next text:

"He asked me if u were just a friend..."

Oh yeah, the man is onto us. (I feel like a teenager.) Still she refuses to tell him. He's practically begging her. It's her thing, but what he thinks of me is rather unnerving. I feel like a dirty old (wo)man stalker preying on the young and innocent. They leave in the morning. Nice people, but I will be glad to have my secretive gf back all to myself. Sheesh!

Here Goes Nothing

Tonight is New Years Eve. I am going out with her and her parents. Which means I am meeting them for the first time. I am so nervous. Everyone keeps telling me to be myself. Problem is she's not out to her parents. They know, but she's not officially told them , so no hand holding and NO kissing!!! They'll like me, but will they like me as their daughters girlfriend? I feel like I am going to toss my cookies. I'm excited and nervous and happy and scared. She'll be here in an hour and a half. i wonder if they are nervous to meet me? Knowing I am having sex with their little girl. Even if it's unconfirmed. This is called nervous rambling. My fingers re even shaking like my voice would be if I was talking this out. Wish me luck! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Is There a Point When Losing Yourself Turns Into an Evolution of Self?

I have felt very lost and unsure as of late. I can remember when the feelings started stirring and what brought them about. It's her. It's my financial inferiority to her. I decided early on that it would start to weigh on her that I was poor. And I am. You would never know by certain things, but if you look at my bank account, I'm poor. In fact below poverty level would best describe me. The difference has never bothered her. It bothers me though.

She never flaunts her status. I never look out of place when we go out. There's just my feeling of not belonging in her world. I even think that as a person, I am good enough for her. I also think that I am projecting all of these feelings on her and in my own sadistic way, I am pushing her away.

Onto the above titled question. I feel like I have lost myself in trying to be someone better for her. Like I am buying clothes like crazy and eating foods I don't normally eat. Just to make myself feel like I fit with her. In the beginning, before I decided in my head that she would get tired of my financial situation, I was happy. I think she was happier too. (Her happiness, though, wanes and waxes as it is, so who knows why.)

The food I consume must be wrangled under control. I was dabbling in the dairy a little before her, but I was still really careful about how much I ate. Now, it seems that it's a free for all. The clothes are breaking my already broken bank. Then again, I love looking good. I love the way it feels when people pay attention to me cuz I look good. I really don't give two shits about most people I meet because I meet so many and I am picky about my friendships; so why all the sudden do I care what they think about my clothes?

This whole outward appearance thing has been evolving for the last two years though. Since I became single and came out. I have wanted to look good, but my own style. Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking at the latest Cosmo for my New Years outfit or anything. I'm not that into it for God's sake. Just care about myself a little more now.

I also want to make very clear that she is NOT the reason for my self-conciseness. I am. These are all thoughts in my head. She has never asked me to be anyone but myself. So is this just a new extension of me? An evolution? Or am lost in some stupid notion of having to be someone I am not for a girl? Comments are welcome, as always. And please be honest.

For Their Sake

I really need to pick myself up off the ground and get the spirit. I just can't. I mean what did they ever do to get a sad mom? It's not fair to them. I used to love Christmas. Now I hate it. I hate everything it stands for. The buying frenzy (cause I'm broke), the lights (cause I have nobody to drive around and look at them with. Believe me, the kids complain), the parties (because I am alone) the baking (because I never want to be fat again) the people making it about family (cause I don't have one).

A friends mom emailed me from out of town and asked me to get something for her daughter from her so she would have something to open. My mom would never think about doing that. My mom hates me.

It's supposed to be a magical time of year for the kids. Instead they have been watching me cry for the week. They don't deserve me, the should have been born to someone who has their shit together. I forced myself to put up the tree, but I couldn't even help them decorate it. When I was kid, the whole family would decorate together. My mom would put on her Johnny Mathis Christmas album and we would lovingly unwrap the ornaments and remember each one from the year before.

I know when I lost the magic. It was the Christmas of 98. My new year started off with me telling my parents I was pregnant. My mom called me a slut, a whore, what have you. She called A1 a bastard. All of these things in front of my roommate who also had a child out of wed lock. Except my mom went and found my roommate and her son to tell them that she was a lovely mother and that her son was not a bastard. The terrible labels belonged to me alone. That year, we had no money for a christmas tree and Ry, formally the fat man (who is still fat, but I don't care to give him so much of a name anymore) asked his dad to borrow money to buy a tree because it meant so much to me. In Ry's haste and because he didn't give two shits, he bought a tiny, DEAD tree.

He didn't care. The one holiday I cared so much about, he didn't. Every night I cried myself to sleep staring at that dead tree wishing for the simpler times of no kids, no cares. I love A1 and all my boys and most times of the year, I would never wish they were someone else's. Now I do. Now I wish they had someone who could decorate the tree with them. Someone who could get out of bed. Someone who had wrapping paper right now.

You Know You Do

You know that utterly amazing feeling of meeting this great person, having that instant connection? You know you do. Even if you're married, you probably still dream of it. I know I did. I love that feeling. What I don't love is that it goes away. When she goes away. And doesn't call, but every three days, because its not her way. Nevermind your feelings. Nevermind that you even brought it up to her that communication is necessary. That you need it. Then she comes back in town and things are suppose to be perfect again. And they are. Is it because you're putting your feelings aside? Not sure? Neither am I.

Right now and really every time she leaves and there is little communication, I feel a great disconnect. In the beginning she told me that all of her gf's have cheated on her and I couldn't figure out why. Now I know it's because she's a wee selfish. Honey, just cuz you don't feel like communicating, doesn't mean you don't have to.

I think I will know the real extent of this lack on Xmas. I hate Xmas. I don't want to go into the why's now, but I cry alot around this time. If I get a text on Christmas, which is also our 3 month anniversary, I might have to rethink things. Who am I kidding? She'll be back, I'll be closed off for a couple of hours and then BOOM, right back into routine, til she leaves again. (All this is really starting to take a toll on my self-confidence.)

I don't ask for much. The talk doesn't even have to be on the phone. Emails. Pictures. Texts. But not just on her time. But when I need her too. It always something. It's not like I need her all the time. In fact, i go through most of my day not thinking about her much. And even that's scary. Shouldn't I be thinking about her more? The only thing I have been thinking lately is if I am somehow trying to sabotage this relationship.

I have a hard time thinking about a future with her. She wants the big house, brand new even, a strain in the environment. New furniture. A virgin piece of land. I want a one room cabin with an old wood burning stove in the heat the whole place. At least she agreed to look into straw bale building. People, I know it's really early in the relationship to be thinking this way, but I question whether or not to bide my time with her, or cut my losses before the hurt runs deeper.

People change. I certainly am not the same person I was 7 years ago when I was her age. She's really young. She's lived an extremely privileged life. I sometimes think I am a novelty to her. A taste of real life.

Don't get me wrong. She has amazing qualities and we have amazing conversation. Laying with her in bed is perfect. We fit. We have fabulous sex. (I am showing her that penetration is a good thing, just like someone showed me.) She is so soft and 98% percent of the time give super advice. The other two percent was for when she told me spanking was good. Otherwise, the girl keeps me grounded. She puts me in my place when I set adrift. She smells good. She's beautiful. She's such a deep thinker. Wow, sometimes the words that come out of her mouth are intense. We laugh in abundance. We cry together. She is so strong; in character and physical strength. She can calm me without words. She seems to know me. She needs me. She seeks comfort in my arms. She's warn and generous. She is also compassionate.

Maybe her lack of communication is a sign from the universe that when I think I need someone, I really just need me. I must rely on me. Maybe I am making excuses. Xmas is in a day. She gets back in 4 days...with her parents, who she outted me to. She's not even out to them, although from the line of questioning, the are begging her to trust them to love her no matter what. I am not sure how all this will work while they are here. I do know that I have a date with all three of them on New Years at the swanky Mastro's Ocean Club. I will be taking advantage of the all you can drink lemon drop martini's; that's for damn sure!!

I guess I will find the right solution to my dilemma in good time. I just need to be patient and remember that I am not stuck in a dead end future anymore.

Friendship by Henry David Thoreau (Merry Christmas my friends)

I think awhile of Love, and while I think,
Love is to me a world,
Sole meat and sweetest drink,
And close connecting link
Tween heaven and earth.
I only know it is, not how or why,
My greatest happiness;
However hard I try,
Not if I were to die,
Can I explain.

I fain would ask my friend how it can be,
But when the time arrives,
Then Love is more lovely
Than anything to me,
And so I'm dumb.

For if the truth were known, Love cannot speak,
But only thinks and does;
Though surely out 'twill leak
Without the help of Greek,
Or any tongue.

A man may love the truth and practise it,
Beauty he may admire,
And goodness not omit,
As much as may befit
To reverence.

But only when these three together meet,
As they always incline,
And make one soul the seat,
And favorite retreat,
Of loveliness;

When under kindred shape, like loves and hates
And a kindred nature,
Proclaim us to be mates,
Exposed to equal fates
Eternally;

And each may other help, and service do,
Drawing Love's bands more tight,
Service he ne'er shall rue
While one and one make two,
And two are one;

In such case only doth man fully prove
Fully as man can do,
What power there is in Love
His inmost soul to move
Resistlessly.

Two sturdy oaks I mean, which side by side,
Withstand the winter's storm,
And spite of wind and tide,
Grow up the meadow's pride,
For both are strong

Above they barely touch, but undermined
Down to their deepest source,
Admiring you shall find
Their roots are intertwined
Insep'rably.

The Reason Behind My (Un)Motivation

I haven't felt my usual self lately. I don't want to work or go to school. I am just so angry about all the anti-gay measures that passed. I HATE that I work at a place that I love, but 98% of the people are super Christians. All but one voted Yes on 102. They trust and like me enough to let me work with kids and pray for me, but not to give me rights. I think by the first of the year, I will have a new job. I can't work side by side with them anymore. I don't need to be in an all gay environment, I just need to be with open minded and hearted people. I have no problem with religion either. It's not for me, but that's ok. I just can't be around so much hatred and ignorance. I need an ally there. I am really sad that it has to come to this. It's the only thing I can think of that's bringing me down. I have an amazing girlfriend who I am falling more madly in love with every moment. I have great friends, enough student loan money to supplement what I can't afford and awesome kids who keep my busy and on my toes. Everything else is great. It's no use trying to reason with them to see it from my point of view. The church tells them how to live and that's how they do it. Stopping now. Too sad to write about any more.

Her

All these feeling I have for her are undeniable.
I haven't even tried,
like usual,
to push them away for fear of later pain.

I want to be fully
consumed
by her.

I want to wake every morning

with her by my side,

with her in my arms,

with her scent embedded in my olfactory,

the touch of her skin lingering on my fingertips.

I hear her
laugh
in the
wind.

Her smile
brightens
my darkest thoughts.

The taste of her

sweet body

lasts on my tongue.

Her breath on my
neck
awakens my soul.

The softness of her
eyes
right before she kisses

me

can take me to heaven
and
back.

She is my
balance.
She is my
calm.
She is my
hope.

This is only the
beginning.
What is to come
remains
to be seen.

My future is inspired
With her by my side,
countering my harsh
with her softness.

Good Things to Come?

Election night was bittersweet. Obama won. I am still not convinced that he's not the anti-christ, but at least according to what I have read, the Rapture happens before the anti-christ comes into power. So far, no Rapture; this might be an ok thing. I pretty much knew that Prop 102, here in AZ, would pass. I knew because people I talked to were sure it wouldn't. They were complacent. I and several others, on the other hand, fought like it had every chance to pass.

I wish I could be complacent. I wish I could complacent. I go to work and think, gee these people really value and respect me. Instead, I look at all my uber-Christian co-workers and think, "Wow, you people really are happy to just follow the word of your preacher, who is just as apathetic with the word of his mentor." Nobody really took into consideration that these amendments aren't really about marriage, but about the rights afforded by marriage.

I won't get into the rights here, because most of the people who read this are well versed in the rights they are currently denied, now as a constitutional law. I will say that my relationship with my coworkers is strained because of their ignorance, but I am even more upset with my own community.

It used to be a rarity to have a "gay" friend. Now it's very much more prevalent. I would say almost every one knows someone who is gay, so gay is out there, but not enough. Just as white and black people tend to segregate themselves into different neighborhoods and social situations, so do queers. Almost every large city has a gay district. All the bars, shops and perfectly decorated lofts are located there. It's where, if you could afford to live in that fag mecca, you would in a heartbeat. Some people, I am guilty too, only go to gay bars. For many reasons, this is a safe and happy way of life.

We live in these bubbles and occasionally pop out to go to straight club for an acquaintances or coworkers birthday. Oh, and political rallies the week before an election that has the potential to make us constitutionally second class citizens. Where was the anger before that? Where was the drive to fight? It was put into finger pointing about who should be raising the money, who raised more, who's responsibility it was to make and distribute signs and buttons. it was pointed at each other, Such a waste of energy.

So what really caused Prop 102, 8, 2 and 1 to pass? I believe fear drove the people to vote as they did. What is causes fear? Simply put, the unknown. Many of the bloggers that I follow talk about how the "outside community" doesn't know us. What they see is the two really hot doctors kissing on Grey's Anatomy, the amazingly slutty* antics of the girls on L-Word or the boys from QAF and stereotypes of bull daggers and drag queens. They don't see law abiding, tax paying, open minded, big hearted, child rearing citizens and PEOPLE. Who's fault is that?

Ours. We can't expect to live in our predominantly gay neighborhoods, have mostly gay friends and have only gay causes on our agenda, then demand to be excepted. We MUST step out of your bubble, ladies and gentlemen. We MUST stop segregating ourselves. Be part of the "outside community" in a huge and undeniable way. I dream that we get to a point where we drop the "outside" from community. That's what we are fighting for isn't it? Inclusion and yet we live exclusive lives of our own design.

MAKE the world see you as equal.

Ok this is last thing I want to talk about in this disjointed blog post. Follow this link. Do you see something wrong with half of these pictures? I do. Fighting hate with hate? Really? I mean for reals? That always accomplishes so much. (<- That's sarcasm.) We can fight this without hateful slogans and demeaning signs. I say. Go for dignity. It may take longer to get the point across with dignity, but boy will it feel better in the end.

http://bittenbyazebra.jalbum.net/Prop%20H8%20Demonstration%20(NYC,%20Nov.%2012,%202008)/

That's all I got for right now.

(*Let it be know that the word slutty is an adjective to describe how other's may conceive women and men who sleep with many. I think live and let live. Just be safe.)

Thoughts Before The Election

I don’t want to live in this country anymore.

I am so sick of all this fighting. I am ashamed of what this election has brought forth in this country. I am even more ashamed that all of this underlying RACISM and blatant HATE exist in a country that’s motto is liberty and justice for all. It’s just all bullshit now. There is no liberty. There is no justice.

I have only seen the worst of people this election year. I may not respect my opposition’s opinion, but I will not deface their signs, steal their ads, make up lies about them, hack their websites, attack their religious practices, or spout racism and hate all over the media. Am I and a (relative) handful of other people the only people who see what this is doing to our country and our world?

I have seen fundraising in paramount proportions. Where is this money going? To fight for rights which we should already have. Rights that should have been afforded with the original constitution. This money is also going to measure that would take these rights away from citizens. Or, rather further keep these rights from American citizens.

All the while, our economy is so poor that people I know have lost their jobs. Others are losing their homes. I am talking losing the roof over their heads. HOMELESS. Some with children.

Our children are losing themselves to media and advertising ,their parents handing over their parenting rights to the TV and blaming the producers and writers for their children’s erratic behaviors.

Our nation is growing food for fuel. A fine idea indeed, except that hunger is abundant, our land is being raped of nutrients and our skies still continue to fill with dust and smog.

Our country is full of “I want it now-ers”. We want our cake now. We don’t care if it’s the cooks only grandchild’s 1st birthday, if the field the wheat came from is so poisoned that the farmers wife and children are dying of a brand new, indefensible cancer, or that the eggs are laid by chickens made lame by human indifference. This is just a metaphore. Insert, toys, electronics, stupid oppressing laws, or whatever you want in place of cake. Its all the same.

Instead of thinking about our actions and future, we just take and take and take until we have to invent something else to take because we’ve depleted our original supply. To live aware is a new age concept. There are books written and movies made about it. The thing is that living an aware life should not be a foreign concept.

It’s not even hard. Be aware that our actions have consequences, both positive and negative. Think about what you are doing and saying before you do it. Really think. The words that you think are as powerful as the ones that come out of your mouth because your inner thoughts determine your outer presence.

In this election, people’s inner thoughts are finally coming out. The negativity and HATE that I have felt in our toxic country is finally surfacing. HATE looks like my co-workers and neighbors. HATE looks like my fellow protesters. HATE is comments on a blog meant to spread love. HATE is slogans and chants at political rallies. HATE is not voting for someone based on skin color and name. NAME for fuck’s sake. People what are we coming to?

So either we all come to a collective decision to live aware or we all drown in our negativity, sadness, anger, grief, and stuff we buy to forget these things. I will not drown and if I can help it, neither will you.

New Photo Blog, MySpace and FaceBook

L and L, JLB and I started a No On 102 grassroots campaign. Please visit the blog at www.noon102.blogsome.com and friend yourself at the myspace at www.myspace.com/noon102 or somewhere on the Facebook. I'll get back to you on that. Check it out and put it on your #1 spot!!! WE WILL DEFEAT THIS!!!!!!!!