Too Exhausted to Make Sense

So I think KTJ and I are on the outs, but I am really not sure. She told me we could be "lover-friends". Whatever that means..Stupid stoney conversations. She says my relationships are too complex. In a way she is correct, I addressed this in my well-liked Boundaries blog. E and I are not doing so good. I am really sad about that. She's my girl and I really miss her. I am still just as dependable and reliable as I ever was, just can't move yet. I am on the job hunt again. God, there is so much to write about today that I don't even know where to start. I am falling behind in school work. I am a little freaked about that. The KTJ thing is on my mind. E situation abounds. My dad asked my sister if I was gay, then told her it didn't matter anyway as long as I was happy. Why couldn't he ask or tell me those things? And if he thinks it, my mom must, but she barley speaks to me, so that isn't a conversation we will be having anytime soon. Did I mention I am stressed about school. I should be reading now, but all U want to do is nap. I have an exam tomorrow. I have met several new woman lately. I also made out alot last night. It ws a bathroom 4some. I actually avoided kissing one of them, thank Goddess. Unfortunatly tho, one of them is KTJ's best friend and the other is the bf's ex. Oh, I think it valid to mention that KTJ knows and/or saw. I guess I pretty much fucked that up. In my defense, what little defense it is, KTJ was there with another girl. I am not sure if the girl was lez tho. She came off as straight girl to me, but she was all over KTJ, so I don't know.I haven't talked to KTJ since because I went way over my minutes this month. Like I'm thinking $50 over... Ouch. So I am on the hunt for a job and an apartment. I have to get out of this house, away from HIM. I have never lived on my own in a cozy little place and I think it's time I do that. Of course I would bring the kids, so I wouldn't be totally alone. HE will get them Tues/Thurs and every other weekend. I think it's better for the kids cuz HE is really mean to them. I hate HIM more and more every day. I am happy without a man in my life. The women in my life give me everything I need. Hmmm....I never thought about it like that before. There is really very little I need from a man. I like that. This is so random. Sorry for whoever reads it. Space Cadet out!

10-4

As I was driving home down 48th Street last night, I realized that I had been down this road already once today. Where were the arrows and the orange encouragement signs? There was no sign of the greatness that walked through there just 8 hours before. It was all gone. A job well done. To think I was dreading this year. And it turned out to be our best event yet. I was nervous that we wouldn't be able to work as a team. It came to me yesterday how much the Shoemaker/Paul split bothered me. I understand that things change and evolve, but I don't always have to like it. Right? At the event there is not much drama. People have a job to do and they do it. There is down time and play time and work time. And all goes smoothly. Why isn't real life like this. We have a job, we do it. It's time to play, we play. Everybody takes resposibility for themselves and their actions. It's as close to magic as I get. Then it ends. Just like that. Celtic music, tears, goodbye for a year and poof. Hell returns. Some of my most cherished friendships have been made during this annual journey. New ones are being forged as I type. My phone was off, but once or twice a day for three days, I left my computer at home. My focus was on my task and my experience. Sometimes I see something that reminds me of the event and I want to tell someone; they can listen, but they will never feel the warmth in my heart. Upon returning to my real life, I chose to do my best to not participate in the drama anymore. I need to figure my life out. I need to really examine what is important to me. It will take me sometime. These are some highlights from the weekend. "Drink, pee, no IV!". (Commas optional.)Mardi gras. "Kill Cancer, Get him!!" Whiffle ball, frisby, football. Oh shit, that hit someone's tent, play dead. Nipple tat's and flashing. Suspended by packing tape to a side of a Ryder truck. New friends, old faces. Love. D-runk! "Nice mule, do you ever do sweet jumps?" I won a spirit pin. (That really meant alot.) "Who rocks the house, I say the crew rocks the house, and when they rock the house, they rock it all the way down! Hey!!" Petting the kitty, getting kicked off stage. HOT Cory on her Harley! Holy hell sister! Hugs. Feeling someones beating heart with my own. A previously withheld hand laid on a shoulder out of remembered love and reverence. Weak hello's and strong goodbyes. The same food that tastes good all over. Pillow sharing with a very new friend. Rubbing really gross feet. Budget truck donuts in a ghetto parking lot. Drive by diet coking. "H2hO is in the hizouse...." The walky with the most gas. Cow bell. 10-bitch100. Bloody bone mentionings. Interupted sex dream....twice. Laughing with Elizabeth while she was having an asthma attack and further worsening it, but it was worth it, right Elizabeth. Seeing Sheryl at the finish line after seeing her connected to an IV. Mary finished all 60 miles after she passed out. Eat Mary, gosh. Tara, Luca and Jill, the Alaskan Airlines flight attendants. Helpless clit fondling. Serving the food with Ashley, hopeless without my walky! Mysterious Misty, started alone, but I'll be damned if I was going to let her finish alone!! WeTodd, Kim Teely, Alan, Christy, Helena (the closeted lez, you know you are, quit fooling yourself), Hot showers, warm hearts, cool nights, cold water; all in a weekends work.

Setting Boundaries

What will this cost me? Could be everything, I suppose. I could lose my friendship, the closeness we have. I have to do something. I am a really touchy feely person and to lose touch will be devistating to me. I have lived so many years without intimacy, without feeling like I was wanted as a person, not a body. I lived without wanting to be with the person I was with, without wanting to touch or be touched. Now I yearn for it. Now I look for it everywhere. Now she says she wants to be my uncomplicated friend. My friend who is my rock. Until all my complex relationships are solved. Complex? Solved? What does this all mean? She's right. But I had to figure out on my own what I think she was saying. Thank goddess for D because it would have taken my dense head forever to figure this one out. I have no boundaries. My need for physicality and sexuality may have cost me something good. And to put a stop to what little intimacy I have may gain me nothing from her, but in the long run will I find what I am looking for? This half relationship I have with her is intense. It borders on abusive, more than I like to admit. Can we redefine our friendship without destroying it? Without destroying eachother? KTJ doesn't want to get hurt. I know in my heart what my relationships are and but I don't know the order of priority... I know that I should come first no matter what, but I don't know how to do that without someone else getting hurt. I am going to have to be alone for a bit. But where, how? I am also going to really have to open my heart up to several people, at my own risk, knowing full well that it will hurt so bad. Am I strong enough? Do I really have it in me? So many complicated issues. How did I let myself get here? How will I get out? It used to be easy, my thoughts were to clean my house, clear my mind. But, it's really not like that, is it? My mind can't be cleared. My heart is a mess and I don't know how to fix it. When did I become....me? How can I change me? How can I let go of the past and forge to the future? I'm pullin away from it all so that I can gather my thoughts. I will talk to you each individually. I am afraid. Terrified of the outcome. Of my future. Of not ever being wholly loved. By myself.

I Fucking Hate Pretentious AZ Bitches

What is up with girls in Az? There are some really cool chics, but mostly dumb assholes. I didn't want to fuck. Jesus Christ I didn't even want her number. I just wanted to dance, motherfucker. Just shake my groove thing. But newsboi bitch couldn't even say no. I didn't really even want to dance with her. Just wanted to get JLB a little sumpin sumpin. But shit, yo. You think I just asked her to have my finger in her butt. God Damn. I mean, it was a dance, I didn't even like the song. Her shit do stink, prolly worse than mine. KTJ just rocks. JLB rocks too. I totally rock. E woulda rocked if she weren't so lame tonight. Did I mention I like vicaden? BS was in a shitty mood again. But she was really hot and I almost forgot she's one of them. Stuck up fuckheads. Fuckin' bitches. Geez.Suck it AZ motherfuckers. Eat twat, but not mine, cuz honestly, it's too tasty to be wasted in your mouth. I'm feelin' done now. Better. A little. Fuckin' whores.

This Jealousy

So I'm seeing this girl, KTJ and there seems to be a little jealousy that is coming from two people in particular. It comes across as negative words and thoughts and at times anger and frustration. It makes me feel sad, confused and a little resentful. I have listened to and watched both of you with your exploits. I have been happy for you. I have given my ear and my shouder when you needed it, but now that the roles are reversed, you both are not there for me. Say something kind. I feel happy when I am with her. She has her demons, just as I do and you do. I admit, I feel a little sad when I feel left out because either of you is spending time with someone else, but I don't think I have ever been catty (except with a certain OF) and in somecases just mean. Let me know if I have. Please be happy for me. She makes me feel so comfortable. She is affectionate, openmided, strong, willing to let me be vulnerable sometimes, as well as let me take care of her. She doesn't make fun of me if I wear a goofy outfit. Conversation is easy and flowing. We laugh together...alot. On the otherhand, we can have a serious debate and not get mad at eachothers opinion. She's not afraid of the public opinion, a quality I admire. I'm scared as hell of this girl. Scared that she doesn't feel the same about me, even if she has told me she does. Scared that I will let myself fall and get hurt when I crash. I am trying hard to take this for what is in the present. I am not looking positive toward the future because I don't want to get my hopes up, but I need to start looking at tomorrow and projecting many blessed things happening. I promise you, my dear friends, that I will not forget the lovely women who hold me up daily. I love you all very mch and I will readjust my time to fit everything in, but without overextending myself.

TJK

Will I let myself go? Can i let her in? Can I risk the pain and gamble the happiness? What if this is real? What if it's not? What if the other is who I am supposed to be with and the emotions we juggle are real? Always looming in the back. Always there. I have a lot of deep down what-if's that i have to let go of. But i guess for progression sake, I have to deal with those fears sooner or later. But I think I have found someone who allows me to truly be me. No judgement, no condescension, no facade. There she is in all her clippered fur glory, living peacefully under the radar. Finding beauty in so much. Working hard for her life. Sleeping peacefully in udder darkness. Please let me feel life again. At any cost.

Where is it?

I have asked the question over and over. Where is it I belong? Sometimes it's a place I am wondering, sometimes a caste. Do I remember my road trip fondly because I miss the open road? Did I feel the peace in the forest that I remember? Was it the grand adventure I tell people? Or did I warp it to be just how I wanted to remember? No. I feel like all I remember is real. I do not want to own a house anymore. I do not want my children to grow up stagnant. I want life around me. Not greed, or wanting or wishing. I want real freedom. I want to be free of these pressures I feel to be a good woman, a good wife (working on that one), a good mother, a provider. I can be all of these things on my own terms. I can define what each of these is for myself. My transformation from yesterday me to today me happens every night. I learn something, I lose something, I meet someone, I disregard another. I drop my puzzle and reconfigure. Every morning is new, but how many tomorrows do I have? How can I keep questioning without taking action? I am so afraid to make a wrong choice, to fuck up, but am I fucking up by not choosing? What would it take for me to be out on the road again? What would it take for HIM to let me take the kids? Is it good enough for me to only have the summers on the road? What will this dream cost me and the kids and who will be brave enough to support me, possibly go with me? Will I die along the way? Maybe, but I will die having lived. A little piece of me dies every day while I wither in this life I am afraid to let go of. I am a take charge woman, SO TAKE CHARGE SELF!!!! Do this. Make it happen for you, self.

You Should Be Pissed Too!

How is it ladies and gentlemen that we have let breastfeeding go from the norm to taboo in just 30 years? Even the fundamentalist christian right has no argument as to why breastfeeding is so bad. Only the christian scientist do; and really how can I argue with an alien?! If this were shown on TV now, parents would crucify the network, boycott sesame street. What is so unnatural, so wrong? When did we become a country of simultaneously
whorey and modest folk. Your two year old daughters are dressing in halter tops and butt shorts, but quick, hide them from a ....breast? Feeding a baby? How the fuck do these right wing assholes and righteous fuckers think Eve fed Cane and Abel? Furthermore, what the hell do these people think babies ate before corporate America came in and made them fake food? I've got news for you people!!!! Jesus suckled at a tit!!! And virtuous Mary DID NOT cover with a recieving blanket, hide in her stall or nurse next to the hole that served as her toilet. Biologically, my breasts were made for the purpose of sustaining my childs life. And they have in a restauraunt, at a bowling alley, in the company of friends and strangers, at work, at a hockey game, in my bedroom, with the door open, at the mall and any place else my child's inert need arose; all without hiding what I was doing! Please reconsider what you think is gross, immoral, indescreet, inappropriate and unnatural.

Procrastination

Why is it that I can't even buy a computer? I don't even want to look at them, but I know I want one. I have the money. I put off the tooth thing until it was a root canal. The divorce til HE was happy and it would be less bitter. I talked to SS last night about starting a new relationship. I said I didn't want one. But sometimes I do. How far could it go? Which phase of life would I find myself in when it ends in heartbreak and tears? Why do I have to think like that? Is it possible for one love to last forever? To look back and think gee, I've been happy, lucky and in love since I met you a lifetime ago. What an amazing possibility. Is favoring sexual chemistry for what is definitely a safe, boring bet, the right thing to do? Is is okay for me to remain singlish for a while? And E, how does the dating more than one person thing go? How do you keep up? So I am putting off answering these questions. What a surprise right? I think I am getting sick and I am super tired. A little frustrated too.

Apparently

Being married doesn't make that big of a difference. It's funny when I finally let it go and let things happen, they happen. Just like that. I am the luckiest girl in the world. At least today. I must try to remember this feeling of complete contentment. It could be because whatever I smoked with my sister K yesterday was hella good and is residual. Or it might be cuz I kissed a hottie last night and I am still riding that. Holding onto post make-out texts. Hoping to do it again later today. HE is happy. He has a gf. It's a little strange, but cool. The kids like her. She has been a family friend since before we were a family. She was at our wedding. He was fucking her before me. I could definitely see her as the kids step mom. Hmmmmm.... Back to the hottie...

I'm not mad at you

Hello my friends. I am in retreat mode. I am not mad at any of you, I just need personal reflection time. I love you all and I will be back to myself soon. Those of you new to this, it's normal. I shall return soon.

HumDrum

"U r entertaining my brain..Tell me that ur not married..It just occurred to me i just assumed u aren't" That means she likes me, right? But I am married, on paper, so that's bad? Grrrrr...So frustrated..I mean we talked after and I explained. Then tonight she cancelled out hang out tomorrow, cuz her friend needed her. Rescheduled open ended for next week. Wait and see wait and see wait and see. Always wait and see. I don't wanna wait. I just want something. I thought things were going well for me. They are, I just have to keep telling myself. BBS still hasn't called me. Waiting......So impatient. Fuck. Then there's SS. What a doozie. I have not written her name, yet. What a woman! Too fucking bad she's so fucking far away. We have amazing conversations, we can talk for hours and most of the time we do. I have shared so much, sometimes I think too much. But i know once she's in, I am open for heart break. So everyday, I think, I should end this now before either of us gets hurt. I should change the way I think about her. I should not allow myself to be so open with her, but everyday, I change my mind. You see, it's so easy to just let things be. It's so easy to pretend hearing about the other girls doesn't hurt. She's there. She listens when nobody else can. I am hurting so bad, not knowing why now? Why her? Why there? I just wish I could let go. Let everything happen. I got a text yesterday that said don't wish things are good only when they are bad, wish they are good all the time. I am sick of wishing. Fuck Cinderella, wishes never come true.

Hello Today!! What a strange week it's been. E's been out of town, it seems like forever. I guess we will start with Thursday. Cherry Bomb! My sister EM came into town Thursday evening while I was at school. I picked her and JLB up and we went to the Cash. The line was really long there, so we changed plans and went to Vibe to kill time before Cherry Bomb. There is this amazing looking butch bartender at Vibe. I made sure to order all my drinks from her. We drank and danced, then left and went to CB. CB was very fun. I made out with Orange Face's girlfriend!!! That was the highlight of night. The kissing was alright, but the fact that I found out later who it was made the whole thing that much better. After that little tryst, I hung out with my friends and looked around for E'sK and realized that she hadn't been in the whole time. I asked E where she was and the answer was in her car. I found out later that she couldn't pay the cover, so she didn't go in. Also, E wanted to make out with JLB, so having E'sK in there would not have been conducive. (The next morning E and E'sK jetted off to SF and somehow I got wrangled into taking them to the airport.) E and E'sK left and we went back to Vibe so JLB could see FA; see, suck face, whatever. In the meantime, I was stupid drunk and I had started drinking water . I couldn't believe it when it happened, but the ALB bartender started hitting on me. She asked my name and we held the shake for a while. We'll just call her Butch Bartender S, or BBS. I was so stupid drunk, I told her she was hot and asked her if she gets that alot. I was surprised to hear her so no. Hmmmmm... Well then, can I kiss you? Wow, holy drunk and stupid. To which she responded laughing, not at me, no. She asked when I would be in again and I told her that I would be back Saturday for Boycott. She has a beautiful smile. I went back Saturday and finally at 15 til 2, I asked for her number. She gave it to me and I have called, left message but no return call. Well, I guess I am not so sure how sexy persistence really is. She works at the bar all day and night, so I feel like the ball's in her court, but I really want to talk to her, you know? See what she's like. Anyway, I took the kids to Rainbows Fest on Sunday with JLB and her two girls. Kids are a chic and fag magnet. At a certain booth, I caught a young lady's eye. Really cute girl, who later recognized my kids. We had a mini convo about how dating mom's is easier for me because mom's get the intricacies of being a mom. She tells me that I was wrong and that others get it too. I asked her if she get's it. Yes. Somehow convo moved to my diet and and JLB says too bad there is no good place to get a vegan pizza. I say, no there are a few, but I like Eddies in Tempe. KTJ, that's her name, asks where it is and I tell her it's by Pita Jungle. I've never been to PJ. Well then, I say, there are two placed I need to take you. JLB remarks that I am smooth, I deny hitting on KTJ. They both disagree, so I ask KTJ if it's ok, she says yes, so I ask her if I can call her. She says yes. Yesterday, we talked for 45 minutes then texted non-stop for 5 hours, then talked for another hour. The texting ended and talking started when she asked if I was still married and guessed I wasn't. I could have lied. But then again, I couldn't. the reaction was what I expected. I wish to be divorced and figure out all the stupid shit like custody and house selling later. I just want to be undone from this tie. I fucking hate it. GO WITH YOUR GUT! my gut told me over and over not to marry, that we would have a life without this ring and paper, but I still did it. NEVER OVERRIDE YOUR GUT!!! So i guess I need to wait and see where all this goes. It was a good confidence boost none the less.

Impatient

What is the plan for this life.? I am getting tired of living and waiting for the ultimate end. And what if the end arrives and it's anticlimactic? What if all this pain is a waste? What if I am no better off in ten years, twenty years, fifty years than I am now? I want to know now if I should continue. Will I ever find my place in this world? It's definitely not where I am now, that's for sure. I want to just say fuck it all. I want to quit. Quit it all. It's all too much me. I wake up everyday to discontent. Unrest. Why bother anymore?

i forgot about this til now

So I went out with and active-duty-for-3-more-days marine last night. She was fucking fabulous. I had only chatted with her briefly over email and text, so when I went to pick her up, I was surprised that neither off us missed a beat. It was like we were old buddies. I took her to a hockey game. When the national anthem started, I stood. I felt really wrong about that. I don't usually stand for the NA, but I felt like if I didn't it would cause conflict. So I stood. I averted my eyes from the flag. That's weird. Like the flag is the boogie man, but I felt so compromised that if I looked at the flag, I would become part of the masses. I don't think she noticed me fidgeting. That's it.

maybe, should it end?

Why let myself get deep? It's useless. Distance is too much. But then I ask, how much does a physical relationship matter? Why even get my hopes up when there is no way to do anything about it? Just feeling lame today, I guess. Super moody. Way down. It's E's birthday. I was supposed to be there, but I couldn't be. We made the plans together, but I guess you can never predict someone new. I truly hope they are having a wonderful time. I have felt pretty stable over the last few weeks but now I just feel like running. I just want out of my skin, my home, my state, my country (hard to stake claim to that one). I just want to be someone else, someone with a fabulous life. Not someone who is always struggling. I am too tired to continue. It's just too much right now. Today is Sunday, I should be hanging with my kids, but HE took them all day. Haven't seen them in a week, now I have to wait another week. They probably think I hate them. HE probably tells them that I do. I really hate my job. My goal is feeling out of sight. Deflated. Off to spend money I don't have and put on weight I don't need.

My current mood: Confused

About 5 minutes to blog. Have a job. Hate it. Wish to god I was with my kids. I want to pick them up and nap with KK. I want to make them healthy meals. I want my boys so bad, it hurts like hell. Met someone. She doesn't live here. Of course. It's better that way I suppose. I don't know why yet, but I am sure it will all come out later. Like the Je situation. but this one is really too good to be true. Fuck it all to hell!!! FUCK. No home internet til Saturday. Lost without my outlet. The good old imlettinggo. I should change it to ilostcontrol. Hhhhhhhh... Break over.

Brian

I just want you to know I miss you so much. I can't wait to talk to you. I am hoping that if you have limited access you to the Internet, you check this and know I love you and I support you!! I will see you soon. <3

You know you have a friend when:

*She slithers under the stall door at a bar to hold your hair.
*She comes over in the middle of the night after she had the stomach flu all day to kill cockroaches with you.
*She comes up with silly, amazing ideas, like sing along Sundays, and makes them something to look forward to
*She lets you spend the night, so you have someone to wake up to.
*She nicely tells you the way to cure a learned lisp, even though she doesn't really like what you said to your kid.
*She is invited to hang at your house while your out and she vacuums the whole thing.
*He/she calls when you least expect it and most need it.
*She lets me be mad at her and confront her, because that's my nature, even though it's not hers.
*There is an open door policy at her house.
*She misses me, even if we only talked 24 hours ago.
*All of you genuinely love my kids. I see it and I love you that much more for it.
*No matter what other person she is with, when the Umbrella song comes on, I am the one she dances with.
*Likewise with the Buttons song.
*She lets me dirty dance with her girlfriend.
*She watches all three of my midgets on 3 hours of sleep.
*She see through my sarcastic texts
*She lets me drunk dial her and I am the first one she drunk dials
There is so much more...I will add more when it comes to me... Love you all!!!

The Origin of the Species' Tension

Tribe: a division of some other people. Division? Absolutely. Is it possible that hate, strife and human friction (not the good kind) began when people started dividing into tribes? I believe so. The division continues. More people put themselves into a box, a tribe, when they fall victim of a label. I will not be labeled. A label is a defining adjective. I don't have a definition. Stop labeling me. I am an individual and the only group I belong to is humanity. I started this blog on Friday and have since had several conversations with D. I have always been an individual. There is not really a time I blend on accident, or even on purpose. I am accepting of who I am and I stand by the choices I have made. But it's not good enough for me alone to be un-labeled. With labels come stereotypes. There's no arguments there. Yet, we perpetuate this attitude. We continue the cycle and even fall victim to our own labels that someone else gave us. So, E, when I answered A2's question about whether or not I wanted to be a lesbian, my answer was no, not because I don't like what I am doing, but because I don't fall into , nor want to be in, that box. It's too narrow. I am Jen. I am a human. I love. I do good where I can; I label and stereotype too, but with alot of conscious awareness, I can stop.