I Just Can't Seem to Shake This

I am trying not to still hate Christmas. I think for the first time in a long time, the kids had the full magic of Christmas morning. I didn't though. They let us sleep in until 7. Exactly. Then when they came to wake us up, TK got mad. I had to whisper in her ear that it was her idea to get up then and that it was Christmas. So she was grumpy from the moment we woke up. I was trying to keep a light tone, but she kept bringing it down. Was a super hard day for me. Normally, I would have been sad to let the kids go with him, but yesterday it was a relief. I will be happy when all this shit has passed. I made a wagon wheel coffee cake, a tradition for my family, another thing I haven't done in several years and I made breakfast. Was OK, but there is this heaviness that is hanging over the house. Something uncommunicated. Something so sad. I hate it and I hate Christmas. I guess I was really hoping she would be my Christmas star, some light on this shitty time of year, but she was darker than me. I just want to be normal. I don't want to think about what I am eating, how many resources I am consuming, my kids exposure to brain numbing media. I just want to be the same as everyone else, just for a bit. Then my family would like me. Then I would not be so alone in a world that thinks all I ever do is preach. I want to wake and and be back in classes and worry about that stuff so I don't have to deal with this stuff. I hate Christmas. PS Jesus wasn't even born this day, so all those stupid cards are just an ad ploy.

The Number One Reason I Hate Christams

TK left the house today in a self-loathing rage. She barely said goodbye and she blew at least one stop sign, which means also that she is gonna speed the whole way to work. Why? you ask. Well, I will tell you. Money. And not the money to pay the bills because that's done, but money to buy gifts. Obligation. She doesn't want to be perceived as the poor sister. It's Christmas, that's just what you do. Who fucking says? Why is it that Americans are forced to grow up with this STUPID notion that Christmas is all about who gives the best gifts? Fuck everyone who teaches their kids that a store bought, designed obsolete, polluting, plastic pieces of shit are better than anything handmade. All these people who are getting second jobs to buy their kids the next big landfill item, remember these toys are designed to fall apart after so long or become last years technology. Also remember that the "happiness" that toy brings is fleeting and the "joy" of giving is forgotten once the credit card bills come in. Consider what it even takes to make all those toys and electronics. And so it begins, there is not enough money in the world to make someone happy, but there is enough LOVE. Practical and beautiful hand-made gifts can be the wave of the future and the way we save our souls and planet. We all have talents that we haven't tapped into. Reflect on this before you buy anything unnecessary. I can't tell you all enough how sad my heart is right now.

Let's Talk About Sluts

It's a soapbox kind of day. Sorry.

Yesterday I was listening to the radio and the DJ's were talking about Tiger Wood's recent indiscretions. The woman DJ called his lovers sluts.

Two things:

Number 1: Tiger's private life is just that. He can do what he wishes, when he wishes. It is not up to the people to judge him, to say that he must be held to a higher standard because he is in the public spotlight. Dear people, you put him there. These are your morals that you are imposing on him, obviously not his. If he is not being an appropriate roll model to the children, too bad for you. He is a golfer. Why don't you try turning off your television and becoming an appropriate roll model for YOUR own children? I know, it's hard and you are not even in the public's eye, but I think you can do it.

Number 2: Why is it that the women who slept with Tiger are the sluts? They had CONSENSUAL sex. What makes only a woman a slut? Why can men have all the sex, without a label, that they want and even be exalted for it?

Argument 1: the Bible. Only Jesus was immaculately conceived, people. That makes Mary the only non-sex haver in the bible, until she birthed Joseph's non-Messiah kids. And lets get this straight, your Bible is full of incest, legal rape, legal murder and bastards. Abraham and Sarah were half siblings, sharing a father. Furthermore, up until recently, only the very rich could marry. That would have excluded most of us and all of the humbled Bible figureheads, including Mary and Joseph.

Argument 2: the very definition of slut. A slovenly and promiscuous woman. So she is dirty and likes to have sex. Hmmmm.... I am pretty sure that the women Tiger had sex with were not slovenly. (Having had sex with a pro-golfer for many months, I am somewhat of an expert on what they look for.) I am also sure that having sex does not make someone bad. Even having oodles of it. We've already surmised that not everyone is married, now lets look at why you are having sex, married or not and regardless of gender and sexual identity. It feels fucking good! That's why. Obviously, I am not having sex to make babies and neither are most of you. So there is no other reason when we boil it down. (Sorry if you are one of the people who aren't finding pleasure in consensual sex.)

There is no reason to label anyone who has sex. Not even with a famous person. There are many men, even famous one who have sex with people other than their wives, Republican senators with men, Presidents with interns, rock stars with fans, sports legends who spread AIDS, etc. and who takes the bad rap? The one with the vagina is always to blame. (Except in the case of the gay seducer.) The words of the local poet Selah may sum this up, "see, you may find a woman tempting, but that does not make her a temptress". Let's all change the way we think.

Who has the control?

Last weekend I went to the Tempe Arts Festival. I have been trying to only take the bus and rail or ride my bike at least one day a week, a commitment I upheld this day. After a hour and a half, I arrived in Tempe. Where the train let off was where the fair started. I went to cross the street, against the light with no traffic coming when I heard a man yelling.

"HEY HEY HEY!!!!"

I turned to see who was yelling and at what. To my surprise, it was a cop yelling at ME.

"You can't cross now", he said.

"Why not?" I asked. I told him I wasn't asking to be insubordinate, but because I was sure I was breaking no law.

"Do you see the little red hand?"

"Sir, what I see is you being condescending to me. Now what is the law I would be breaking to cross this street. I am at an intersection. There are no cars coming. So, so far, I am not jay walking nor am I obstructing or impeding traffic."

"I will write you a ticket."

"On what grounds, sir?'

"It's a..." He looks to his partner fro a little assistance.

"Isn't is a 28...6...46?", the partner says.

"Yeah, that's what it is."

So I did what any decent citizen should do. I googled a 28-6-4-6 from my phone. I check Maricopa county and Tempe police statutes to no avail.

"Thank you." I turned to a woman and her husband. She said that there was no reason for us to be held here and she again thanked me. I thought about just razing the crowd and having everyone cross, but surely I would be arrested or ticket for something riot like then.

"Sir, according to your website, this is your website, right?" I held the phone to him. "According to your website, there is no 28-6-4-6. Do you have anything else that might hold me here?"

"I will ticket you for going against a traffic light."

"Sir, I am not traffic. I looked both ways and behind to make sure I wasn't going to get in the way of a right turn. If I was in my car, I would most certainly not try to cross against the light."

Then the other one said something about making sure we don't get hit by a train. The train was behind me. I inquired if the train would be derailing and sliding into the intersection I was about to cross anytime soon. At that point, the light turned to green.

"Do you see the little green man now?" That was the sarcastic first cop.

I looked at him and I said, "Well, I see a little man." Then I crossed.

Before anyone gets defensive about their cop husband or wife or self, please note, I was respectful until his last sarcastic comment. I didn't and still do not believe I was breaking any laws by crossing an empty street. I also think that this man wasn't stopping me for my own safety, but instead for an unconscious need to control. I think this is a perfect example of the state's control over the citizen. Our government is getting away with being voice for the people instead of the people being a voice for our government.

The people have grown complacent and lazy. This may be an innate human condition for most, but not me. I am tired of keeping my voice quiet while a small minority of people make the rules for a large majority and I am so tired of the majority's apathy. This country has reverted to the monarchy we were before we fought the British for our independence. The congress and the Senate are the new Parliament.

What are your issues? What would you like to see done in this country? I, for one, would like to see true equality. I would like to see the people running the government, not the other way around. I would like to see this war for oil ended and the war on pollution started in a big way. I would like to see mpg laws for cars and trucks raised so much that all new cars MUST use hybrid technology. I would like to see an honest government who doesn't take money in exchange for votes, in other words, I would like to see lobbying outlawed. I would like to see an intelligent community thinking about future implications of their right-now-wants. I would like to see a day when I couldn't be arrested and suspected of terrorism for writing this blog. Thank you, Patriot Act. I would like to see that the government cannot limit the use of the Internet. Here are two articles I found:

http://newsmax.com/Newsfront/obama-internet-fcc/2009/09/20/id/335106


http://www.wired.com/epicenter/2009/09/net-neutrality-announcement/

I don't think all laws are bad. I want to have honesty and integrity upheld. I want the people, my friends, to remember that we are the voice! Start speaking!

Day 12 of Thirty Days of Gratitude

his plump little hand in mine,
but it won't be forever
as the baby fat leaves
his tiny fingers,
his need to hold
me close will also leave
I've seen it already
with the two slender fingered olders
for now though, I will
hold tight to the grime of his day

Irrational, I Know

I haven't had my period in 7 years! Yes 7! I had number 3 and then I got an IUD and left it in for an extra year. It's been out for about a month and the thing is coming; I can feel it! I have cramps and bloating and soreness everywhere! I don't really remember what it's like and I don't remember how to deal with such a monster! I decided to bleed again because it's natural and because I want another kid. (I know, I'm ridic!) And, since I am going balls out with this post, the sex is way better without it!

So I decided to buy a Diva Cup. She's my new best friend and I don't even know if she works yet. Wish me luck!

How Long Will Stuff Mean More Than Love?

A woman down the street killed herself. She blew her head off with a shotgun. Brain matter flew across the street well into the empty lot. She was new to the block, in fact when she did it, she had been here for two weeks. She moved in with her sister and niece after her husband died. Not only did he die, but she lost her home because she couldn't afford it anymore. Why did she do it?

Several people at TK's work are getting engaged and committed. They are all wearing these huge rocks on their fingers. All paid for on credit. Are such huge diamonds really necessary? The real rarity of a diamond is controlled by the blood-filthy diamond industry, why pay so much and really own nothing?

TK woke up this morning early. I envisioned a morning of coffee and cards and hopefully love making. She called the bank to inquire about a car loan. We are down to one gas guzzling truck. The solution, trade it in and get a smaller vehicle. Sounds good, right? It's the American way. By doing this we would be spending much less money on gas and helping the world by not consuming. We would also be adding to our monthly debt and apparently ruining my sweet morning.

My solution is to ride my bike more often, to and from school. Or take public transportation. Her solution is to hide in herself and feel inadequate. I cannot abide by this. I cannot see how a car could ruin a persons whole day and put a person in such a tailspin of self hate. But all people have experienced this. The need for something overshadows the love others have for us. Or in the case of the flashy diamonds, takes the place of.

The two people with the huge rings have major problems. One of the people has only known and was only seeking material love (of her own admission), one of the people wants real love, but feels contractually bound to the giver. What has the grandness of gaudy fashion really afforded them? What can it afford any of us? Why do we insist upon living so far out of our means and searching for happiness among mounds of things when as far as we need to look is under our own roof? In the bed next to us. In the next room taking tiny breaths. Across the phone line wishing we were home. Who needs all of this shit? Not me. And not her. Because it makes no difference what I die with if I lived with unhappiness.

Sticking Up For Me, For Us and For the Future

On Monday, I left my Gender Studies class in tears. When I first walked in, one of my table mates made a "That's so gay" comment. I promptly called him out on that. Later in the class we were looking at paintings from the Renaissance and more modern times when someone said, "Homo" and another said, "I see a whole lotta fruit in that painting." I tried not to be defensive, I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. We then had to show pictures that we chose to epitamize masculinity or femininity. I chose a photo of Leslie Feinberg, a transgender author, activist and speaker. My group chose me to speak up about my photo, but I couldn't. I could not get past the earlier ignorance, I did not have it in me to try and teach people who I deemed unteachable.

Since Monday, I have been plotting what I would say to the class. All of my scenarios included using other derogitory names and inserting them where gay goes in "that's so gay". I finally had my chance to speak up in class today. Even though we were running late getting out of class, my classmates lent me their ears and I eliquaintly stated my case as to why "That's so gay" makes one look ignorant and can hurt the people around said one.

If even one of those kids leaves class with a sense of why we should be careful and think about our words, then I have changed the world. Even if someone leaves the class and makes fun of the sensitive lesbian in the gender class, s/he will have relayed this lesson to someone else's ear. "That's so gay" is such a trivial thing to fight against, but even the biggest buildings use sand to support the cement foundation. I am just one grain of salt, but I feel mightier than a boulder today!

They Seeds Are Sown

My number one and I got up early this morning and buried the seeds in our new garden. It's the first time that I have not been the sole gardener. It feels so great to have her by my side while we turn the dirt and plant our food. I want to cry when I think of how amazing she is and how much I need her in my life. I have never needed somebody like I need her. I have always had the attitude that I could do it all on my own and that I never needed anybody's help. Now that she is here, I want to share her load and mine. Here are some new pics.

Just watered.




The schematic of what's planted.

The Soil is Cooking Now

I have been doing hard labor lately. I tilled the garden I haven't used in two years. It was hard work! I thought I would share some pictures from my big sweaty adventure. After I tilled the whole thing, a process that took over four hours, TK and I added four large bags of organic manure, four large bags of organic compost, a bag of phosphates and 5 pounds of blood meal, which it turns out is dark brown, not red. We water it every other day to keep it moist, but other than that, we won't do anything until the 26th when we plant the first round of crops. I can't wait to see those little green babies popping out of the soil! Here are some pics. A couple of before shots, some of us working in the garden and some after shots! I will post more as we keep going!

Before.




I just gone tilling.


TK watering after the soil treatment.


The After Picture.

Implications

Sometimes we don't think about what our words and actions as being bigger than in our own little worlds. Sometimes we do, but don't care. Last night, TK and I rode the light rail to Mill. We walked around Mill, had dinner at Hippies Cove, a burrito place, then we walked to Hippie Gypsy, one of our favorite stores, then to Mojo Yogurt where we enjoyed a shared delight. While we were eating, we watched an open mic night at Mill's End Coffee Shop. (I feel like I'm doing a plug for Mill businesses. Except Mojo, all of the businesses are locally owned.) The MC said that he hoped and prayed it wouldn't rain. All the while, I was hoping and praying that it would, even thinking about how much it would cost to replace my phone if it got too wet.

On the way home, I was thinking out loud with TK that the selfish hope of the MC, if it had any power and maybe it does, could totally change everything. If it did rain, it would be a nicer day today, the streets would be washed and cooled, the trees and plants would get watered, my garden soil wouldn't be as hard to break up if the water softened the ground. There are so many things that rain could positively accomplish for us.

I like how sometimes my eyes get opened by a slight murmur in this giant world. I need to be careful of my thoughts and doings. What I say may have only a small effect on me, but huge implications for something or someone else. Thank you universe for being subtle with this lesson.

TK Birthday Camping Trip

Me.


Her.


Us.


Home.

BIg Changes Coming

I am not sure how much I have written about my current relationship. I started feeling like each one was the same and they were getting boring to write about and super boring to read. This new one is different though. She and I have very many things in common. We camp, we cook, we clean and we love being at home together. In short, she's not going anywhere. I will write more another time, but I would rather live life with her than write about it.

She is like my muse. I won't say that she gives me strength, courage and tenacity, but I will say that with her, I have diminished my fear of tapping into these energies. My house is clean all the time, my yard is nice and projects that I didn't want to complete before are getting completed. I have a new roof. I am saving up for a new hot water heater. This weekend, we are planting a garden.

Planting a garden seems like something I would have been able to do before her, but it's not easy to plant a garden when you lay in bed all day and think about planting a garden. We have our organic garden planned out, including drawings and planting schedules. I would like to eat mostly the food that we grow. It will be much cheaper than buying organic at the stores. And I know that it is for sure organic.

We are using the old garden plot in the backyard. (Alright, quick confession that makes me so cliche...she lives here now. She still has her apartment, but since May, she has been here, save for one night when the air went out. Ok, I'm such a lesbian! (Even though I still identify as queer.) I am such a stereotype! It totally works for us, but I am sure that you all have heard that before though. Blah!) That's out now! We have been working on the backyard now for two weeks and it looks great! I am going out there in a few to get the rest of the plot weeded. We are adding compost, manure, blood meal and phosphate this weekend so it can cook for two weeks.

When it is all done cooking, we will be succession planting carrots, peas, squash, cucumbers, lettuce and spinach, strawberries, green beans, onion and garlic, cabbage, pumpkins and tomatoes. The squash and cucumbers will be trained to grow up the four foot picket fence between us and the neighbors, the peas and green beans will be planted on the wires surrounding the garden to keep the dogs out. The strawberries are going to be dug into the existing area around the grapes that already grow up the posts and trellis around the garden. (The grapes act as shade in the summer.)

We will be planting herbs in containers on the back porch and will be adding fruiting trees in spring, including lavender, basil, oregano, thyme, aloe vera (cactus, I know), peppermint, lemon balm and mint for the herbs and apple and pomegranate for the fruit trees. The peach tree already does and amazing job of producing juicy yumminess. I also hope to add some blackberries and raspberries to the mix soon. We will be growing everything from organic, heirloom seeds from our local nursery. Together we ruled out places like Home Depot and Lowes as we would rather support our local community businesses. There is a company in Tucson that can help us with out pest control

So the garden is my latest conquest, our conquest, I should say. I have had successful gardens before and expect this one to be no different, just better and hopefully sustaining us through the winter until we till and plant the spring garden. She also wants to build a fire pit in the yard and I am all for that, but the food comes first.

On a side note, school is going great. I have decided that I do not want to work in a hospital setting practicing western medicine for 10 hours a day, so I am graduating in May with my AA and AS (Associates in Science) then moving onto NAU where I hope to double major in forestry and elementary special ed. I would like to continue working with the notion of nature deprivation, but taking it a step forward and and testing to see if being in a natural environment (with needed support) can help to organize the brain with autism. So, yes, that means I would be moving for a bit...I am a little scared of that. More later, I suppose.

Off to till and weed!

She Speaks, Yet Again

The transmission on the van that I still owe 9000 dollars on. The A/C in the house that I just has fixed last year. And now the hard drive on my two year old Mac Book. Gone. Lost. For good. (Luckily, I backed up onto an external hard drive a couple of months ago.) So the universe, or she when I am mad at her, speaks to me. Time and again, she sends small notes, but I guess she has been trying to tell me something and I wasn't listening. To refresh, last time, after I screamed at her "What more?", she responded by sending someone to my house to break into it.

So what exactly could all this mean? The nearest I can tell is that I am really disconnected with the things and people who really matter. Am I really always plugged in, driving, or spending all my time in my room? Yes. One short, not so hard look reveals that I am. I live in my car and live for my phone and my computer. When the computer crashed today, I told the repair man that my lover was sick. He was confused as all hell, but then he caught on.

So after a long cry and talking it out on the phone with friends (TK was not available and I would really love to talk to her right now, but no service) I went and picked apples from my parents apple tree. I felt so good with the breeze blowing on my skin and the sun filtering through the leaves to kiss my skin. That is where I belong. In nature, Not here writing this blog or on my phone coordinating a night of country dancing. that's not where my heart lies. I long to be outside when I am inside and never want to go in when I am out.

I never wanted a cell phone. I was so reluctant to get one and now I have my yahoo, facebook, myspace and weather channel apps downloaded on my crackberry. I am never without it. I won't let my kids watch TV, so why would I allow myself to be constantly connected to my phone or computer?

So I need to make some changes. (Some have been made for me...) It won't be easy. I am not sure how I will do my papers for this upcoming semester, which promises to be VERY paper heavy. I will make due though. I know I will. As I said in my last post, I am supported now. I feel it, I know it. I have hated the van since I got it. I think I will give it back to the bank and take the financial hit. The A/C is fixed, but I know I can live without it and the computer? I will get it fixed, but I will not be on it nearly as much.

Maybe subtle hints don't work for me. I must be dense when it comes to the universe's whispers, but when she yells, I hear. I hear her loud and clear today.

Gay Boys in Short Shorts

I had long ago given up on my dream of finding my soul mate. I mean we all rationalize from time to time that there is no such person. Then we get stars in our eyes when a potential person comes along. Soul mate could be defines two ways I suppose. One, the person you are destined to be with or ,two, your ideal mate. The first means there is only one for you, the second that there are many, but maybe after you find the first one you just stop looking. I am pretty sure I can stop looking now. The best part is that she has been around for a while.

I had a small emotional breakdown over the electric bill two weeks ago. Ok, maybe not so small. I am pretty stressed about the bills and what-not. Shit was in jeopardy of getting shut off every month. Gets old all this struggling, but never fear, I sold the meager 401k I held and will survive for the summer!! Woohoo! Back to the slightly underexaggerated emo breakdown, I wanted to throw something, namely the pile of mail and bills that keep stacking up and she let me but then she held me while I cried. She assured me that she would be there for me. The thing she didn't do was tell me what everybody else has, "It's gonna be ok." I really hate that. It's like the lame excuse for life. Shit sucks, but it's gonna be okay. As if by some miracle, all the troubles will disappear. HE told me that the whole time we were married and nothing went away and nothing was ok. She just held me, she let me cry, she let me throw the mail and without a word, helped me clean it up.

I broke down that day. I don't usually do that. Especially not in front of ANYONE. I felt safe and supported for once in this last 12 years. I felt like I could be crazy for a minute and there would be no judgement. She has had her moments too and I can honestly say that I think nothing different of her. Well, maybe I think she is just that much more amazing and strong.

I have these fantastic dreams of my house becoming the home I have always dreamed about and I feel like those dreams will soon be my reality. The sky in the living room, the raised bed gardens, the composting fence, the living picket fence, the green roof, the chicken coop and the sheep or goat lawn manicurist. She doesn't think I am nuts or overboard, She knows, like I do that all of this can be accomplished by just us. And like me she envisions little cost because we will salvage most of our material.

I feel like my place in this world is saved. I am not lost anymore. I am not scared anymore. I feel like I can finally breathe and that everything will be ok.

Getting Back to Me

I have been lost for a while. The last gf did a number on me and still continues to try, although I think she is genuinely oblivious to what she is doing. I have moved on and I am seeing someone else. After being on the other's roller coaster, this relationship almost seems to be lacking something. Oh yes, drama and mystery, not the good, sexy kind either. I think I can live without that. She is good to me and my kids. She helps with chores and other household responsibilities. She loves camping, is a vegetarian, loves gardening and generally being dirty. She also wants her own peice of land to homestead on. She's a is very earth-based in her choices. She rides a motorcycle, so she's HOT! She has a great sense of style and she knows herself. Her name on here shall be TK. TK and I have been friends since December and only recently, six weeks today, started dating. There was always a strong attraction, but she was dating my friend and I the other girl. And after my break-up, I had to find myself again. (I realize now that the girl is definitly not the girl I was meant to be with. She is a super girl, but not for me. I don't really want to talk about her anymore.)


TK and I started hanging out during my last week of finals. She helped me write the impossible logic paper by making me dinner and reminding me to breath periodically. Up until then. i just considered her a friend, but that night I started to consider her. I was so anti-dating that she hadn't occurred to me before. I really battled my feelings for her because I still loved the last one. I let her spend the night here that night, but I didn't let anything happen. After a few more nights of studying and dinner, I finally relented and I kissed her. Was so nice and so different. She is so sensual, I love the way her body moves. She is also very strong, in body and mind. She can hold me.

I had given up on the dream of finding someone who was enough like me that we could be harmonious, but different enough to keep us both interested. She is very smart, has a degree in forensic psychology, but doesn't work in the field right now because she got burnt out. She understands that happiness is not money and stuff. We have these amazing conversations for hours about politics, activism, current events and everything in between. She doesn't just roll over for my wants, nor does she expect me always give into her. Camping with TK was just as I had hoped. She and I have different camping strengths and we work well together without much verbal communication.

As an aside, when we went camping, I tried to do everything myself because that is what I am used to and she had to keep reminding me that she was capable and likewise. She is very independent and has also never been with someone who complimented her like I do.

Back to getting back to me, I can be me when I am with her. I don't have to be made up all the time. I don't feel ashamed of my lack of labels on my clothes. I can wear a dress when I want and not be judged. (I rarely wear a dress outside the house, but I do like them sometimes.) I never thought being with someone could be so effortless and comfortable without being boring. I walked into my house the other day and for the first time it felt like home. I am home. I am home in her arms and out. I have started being vegan again. Today is day two. She wants to try too and with her being veggie already, it won't be a stretch. We eat home prepared dinners together almost every night. We still go out on our own and I will never lose track of my friends.

My semester begins in August and I will be really busy again, but I know that I have the support I need to have a great semester. Plus, I have already proven to myself that I can do this all on my own. I am strong and capable. (PS The picture is of her, not me.)

Day Eleven of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series

when it seems like i need to give up
when it feels like my heart can’t continue to beat
when i think the miles will erase your smell from my memory
when i don’t feel your touch anymore
when you are sick and i am helpless
when you cry and i can’t dry your tears
i know we can look and see the same heavens
i know we can wish on the same stars
i know the moon pulls on your heart like she does mine
we will emerge, each, more powerful
we will realize longing and love
we will feel more, know more, be more

Life Up Til Now Summary

I’m just going to write tonight. My semester is coming to an end and it is so busy with tests, papers, papers and more papers. I am exhausted. This semester has been the toughest one I have had in 2 years. I started off the semester with a girlfriend, I end it with a person I am so in love with it is stupid. Right before my birthday, she broke up with me to take care of some things in her life. Healing from an injury, feeling out some feelings with other people, you know the regular stuff. I hope what she has found is that I am pretty fuckin great and she need not look further. (There’s so much more I need to write about her in a bit.) Schoolwork has been tough. I had a full credit semester, so I have been really busy. At least a paper per week.

Also A1 started Little League. He’s cute in his uniform and eager to be good, which I think will take him a long way. I see so much of myself in him. It’s scary. I see all the hurt for the world around, all the injustice processing in his eyes. i see how sensitive he is about how people treat him. He can only take so much before it just bursts from his little eyes. He is a very young ten. I love that about him. He’s also a very trying ten. He is super smart, but is not quite sure how to articulate all he has in his brain. One can see the wheels turning in his head non-stop. The child is always on, just like me. He stays up late at night, he cries, he reads, he talks to himself. He talks about killing himself sometimes, only when he is so mad and frustrated with himself. See, he is so scattered that he forgets to do things, bring things, or where he put things. Why would any sane and loving god give him my traits?

A2 is plugging right along. I think he feels so much, but he says so little. Like his dad. (Sigh) I am trying to rectify this. He has taken up skateboarding, but not on wheels. He uses a broken fence post. I am hoping to buy him a complete deck soon, so he can really get to business. I talked to one of the board shops and they like to sponsor the little people and want to see him on a real board. It would be so cool if he skated for a pro shop. He is still feeling out the living between two homes deal. He seems to do well, but there are transition problems. The dad likes to drop them off with cookies, slushes and crappy toys from the dollar section at Target. From all three, but less from A2, I hear how much better it is to live with dad. (Dad gives them an allowance also, something I can’t afford.) A2 has been my knight and defender throughout the last two years. At times I think he is too grown up, too fast. He is very well versed in the gay lingo and lifestyle and very accepting. He smiles so much, but when he gets mad, which is not very often, he is MAD! The injustice he feels is injustice he feels is directed towards him, unlike A1 who feels the outside worlds pain.

K baby is growing so much every day. i look at his first day of school picture and I hardly recognize the baby walking with his lunch-box. He has made so many friends and is accepting of all people. He loves me with all of his heart. When we have a fight, he is usually the first to apologize. The corners of his mouth move to a frown and the tears start flowing, “I’m sorry, Mommy.” he will cry out. It’s heartbreaking. We don’t fight often, but when we do it’s a doozy. He still wants to sleep with me every night and I want to let him. It breaks my heart when every night I have to tell him no. I do my homework in my room and he stays awake the whole time. The three of them sleep in a loft bed and it is really hard for me to get him down once he is asleep, but every once in a while I will bring him to bed once he is asleep and I am ready to shut off the lights. It’s nice sleeping next to him. He cuddles my head. He stares me awake in the mornings. He runs his fingers through my hair. He is unconditional love personified. He will be continuing Kindergarten in the fall. I am very happy with this decision, but his dad is not. He does not want to pay for aftercare anymore. I am going to try and help, but at this point, I am already struggling to pay my bills.

I have decided to continue on to the nursing program. It is something I have been interested in and I think it’s about time I settle into something for a bit so I can save up for my farm in Canada. (Going to Canada in August! I am really excited and so is she.) I compared my life with hers, an act I don’t often commit because our lives are so different. What I found were many similarities. After she recovers from her injury, she still has a long way to go to be the best in her sport. Before I was looking at it like once she recovers, she’s on top again. What I realized is that there is a lot of work in between. And then I looked at myself. I am recovering from the last ten years and have only been working at me and my independence for two years. How can I possibly expect the world so soon? I can’t. Even without a goal date, I must persevere and be calm and happy with my decisions. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle, but I will struggle with purpose.

She has been gone for a month and a week. Originally, she was to be gone for five months, now it’s looking like six. I think I will be seeing her in two weeks. When she left we were back together, but without a label. We were making love and sleeping in each others arms, I love her, she loves me. When she left, I wasn’t sure what we were or precisely what I meant to her. It took me four weeks to ask her. Up until that night I was so afraid of what she might say, but that day I decided that if I was not the same to her as she was to me, I would have to move on. Even just a rebound relationship would have to do at this point. When I finally asked her, she said that she meant o bring this up before she left and was sorry she didn’t. (She was very sick and we has to take her to the hospital three days before she left.) She said she couldn’t ask me to wait because she had waited for someone who came back and the feelings weren’t there. She said it hurt her so bad, she would never ask me to do the same. The conclusion was that we both still very much love each other and if we are meant to be we will be.

After that conversation, I felt so good. For a week. I just miss her so much. I know she is hurting and I want to be there for her. I want to go on walks with her and help her put aside her pain for just moments of the day if I can, but I can’t. I am here. I am bound here. (I am trying not to say stuck here, because it sounds so much more negative.) At the moment my ties are here. This is where my kids and school are. There is time for me to be who I want to be sometime down the road I guess. As you can plainly see I am not completely convinced. This is a place where I am struggling. So many of my friends are moving away to bigger cities, cooler jobs, places I want to be. I am here. I am in a hell that I cannot escape. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two back. Or worse, at terrible times I feel stagnant.

I have alienated my friends. I don’t want to hang out with most of them. I have become very quite and reserved with my words. I am so stuck in my head most of the time that I am missing the things going on around me. I got in trouble at work for not being my cheerful self. I am really upset about that. I can’t be super happy all of the time. I am too busy for happy. Sad, I know. I have however written some beautiful poetry lately. I have been forcing myself to go out and participate with my friends in our normal activities, but I just end up tuning them out. The one thing I have enjoyed lately is hiking. The only problem with that is the person I have been hiking with is falling in love with me. Her words. So now I feel like I have to back away from the situation. She’s a cool girl, but I am just not ready to give up my love for HER. This summer will be a tough one. Finding money to pay bills, keeping my mind off her, keeping the kids busy for free. It’s so much to think about. I really want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok and I want to believe them, because I haven’t believed anyone before.

A Place to Go

It used to be that I thought
making love was a physical act
But now you are gone;
so far away, a visit is an event
It occurs to me how many
different ways there are to make love

We made love with a silent stare
held over many minutes
Your chestnut eyes imploring
my soul, drinking me in
A kiss about to happen
our breath caught in the moment

We made love with a whisper
a song for your ears only
Words you longed to hear
but were too afraid to ask for
I love you, you’d sigh
with eyes closed in a dream

We made love with our laughter
coming from deep within
A mutual enjoyment of
each others company
Some nights it didn’t stop
until we laughed ourselves to sleep

We made love in those moments
when the rivers broke the levy
Times when all was lost,
except the hope we found in our embrace
Why? I asked, to which you had no reply,
but the strength of your arms

We made love last night with written word
you begging of me that justice was done
A short message with all I have,
all I want to give, if you’ll just let me
A heart put at ease, by another
so full to burst, it ached in my chest

So you see, my love, this distance
is mere miles on a map
Making love to you is a memory
i can recall when I need to
A place to go where you touch my heart
when you cannot touch my hand

Love Dream Haiku

Arms wrapped around me
The heat, your skin on my back
Remembering you