A few weeks ago, after a customer commented on my new tattoo, I realized that I am growing up to be the person I wanted to be when I envisioned growing up. I have tats and piercings. I go to college and frequent my favorite coffee shop. My pants haven't fit my waist since I was seven, and I have the body to pull off LOW rise jeans. There are a few things that still don't work with my 15-year-old version of my 34-year-old self, but I'm getting there.
One huge component is how I live and raise our kids. I live a very modest life. My rent is my biggest bill and I gladly pay it because I love the home I have made this house into. The kids go to a laid back "hippie" school, it's a Steiner school, for anyone who wants to know. They are versed in all forms of art, music, drama and get to play in the sunshine, rain, snow mud and anything in between. They play sports and Number 3 is joining the Earth Scouts this month. I work only three days a week and go to school five days a week. My loans pay for most of my expenses right now. I weighed the consequences of taking out so much money to the benefit of being able to concentrate on my school work and, most important to me, being able to be with the kids.
My friend emailed me today and asked for advice. She is thinking about quitting her job and working from home. She's scared to death and asked for tips on how to do it. Without too much thinking this is the advice I gave her:
Sheer will, perseverance and faith that you can do it. Honestly, I'm not sure how I do anything anymore. I just believe that I can, take what comes and own it; good or bad. That doesn't mean I don't struggle, cry, scream, give up or complain, but at the end of one of those moments, I wipe my snot and remember that I have felt like giving up before and it's all worked out.
Most of the time, my plans are basic, not thought through. I'm not sure if that's good because I don't have expectations or bad because if I don't really have a plan, then I really don't have a back-up plan. Except I do have a back-up, I suppose. It is faith in my convictions, faith that, once again, I will be okay, faith that I am supposed to be where I am right now, no matter where it is. This isn't based in religion or God, just belief in magic, I guess. The magic in me.
I guess what I am saying is super-cliche, but follow your heart. Do what's right for you. In my case that meant breaking apart my family, losing my home and my car, leaving my friends and living without running water for 7 months. And that doesn't include what I have done to keep my relationship with Tris thriving. I believed that leaving [the kids dad], so many years ago, was what my heart was telling me to do. I believe that doing everything in my power, without giving up myself, is what I have to do for my romantic relationship. I believed that moving to Flagstaff was the best choice I could make for my family.
On my hard days, and I do have them, I remember what I believe. I make a list of the things I am grateful for and do not pause to mourn the things I have lost in my journey. If working from home is what you want to do, I support you. You may have to make a list of the things you are willing to give up to make that dream come true, but if you are willing to put them on the list in the first place, then you are probably willing to part with them. Simplifying my life was the best thing I have ever done, but that is just me. I know you will take the next step in the direction your life will take, just be willing to accept whatever direction that is.
Oh. And I make my bed every day because there is subtle satisfaction in doing one little thing for myself, even if the rest of my day is devoted to everyone else. (I learned this from my friend, Katy. In fact, she practically made me make my bed every day. Now, it's a habit and I relish in the fact that I get to slide into tight sheets every night. )
I retyped this mostly for myself. This is what I tell people and what it probably true, but from my perspective, I am only doing what I have always done. Maybe it's ordinary, maybe extraordinary, maybe it's just mi vida loca. Anyway you see it, I make my life the way I want it because, to me, there is no other option. I hope you are realizing your dreams and not letting fear hold you back from the reality that could be yours if you just jump. So plug your nose, when you are ready, and be prepared for whatever temperature that water is when you hit.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 01, 2011
talk to me about love
talk to me about love. there are different kinds of love.
there’s the love of a child for a parent. it is reverential, mystic, magical, necessary, obligatory. it grows with awareness, shrinks with stubbornness, then grows again with age and understanding.
likewise, the love of a parent for a child is obligatory, sacrificial, educational, so strong it can break a soul, and mostly unconditional.
friendship love is different. there’s no obligation, no ties that bind, in every moment, a choice is always present to continue loving. you can choose to sacrifice for her, be loyal to her, turn your back on her when she’s wounded, suffer through a loss with her, or feed her soul.
the love you can give to a partner is much the same, by choice. sometimes we feel morally and legally bound to suffer with and sacrifice for our lovers. sometimes we just want to; maybe for comradery, martyrdom, self punishment, empathy, sympathy, or simply because we don’t know what else to do.
all of this may (or may not) lead to love for self. love for self should be, well, selfish. there should be no comprise, sacrifice, obligation. it should always be unwavering, magical and even reverential.
there is a price to pay for other loves; and it’s mostly self love. compromise. you give a little of you, she gives a little of her; and not even at the same time. who’s the score keeper of comprise? the one with the resentments? do you have resentments because you are keeping score or are you keeping score because of your resentments?
wants and needs of a loving relationship...is there a difference? do you really need her to sleep by your side most nights? or do you just want her there? it’s nice to be warm, comforted, safe and companioned, but it is possible to fall asleep without her. do you need her to help with daily life? or do you just want her there to share in the joys, work, rewards and sorrows of family life? of course you want her there, but as proven before, she doesn’t have to help in order to get the job done. do you need her to answer the phone in a crisis? or do you just want to hear her supportive words and strong voice? the crisis will pass regardless.
do you stay in a love that is heartbreaking at the worst of times and soul changing at best, even if her soul is closed for renovations for a while? or do you choose to overlook that her soul and yours have been intertwined since heaven? when her eyes looked into yours for the first time, they read your fears and dreams. when her hand touches your body, measurable electricity is created. when she laughs, you know there has to be a God. when she cries, your heart tears open. when you make love, you know there is a possibility world peace. can you overlook these things?
you can choose to walk away. you can choose to find another, who will be all these things that she is not, but may also bring a new set of wants to the relationship. you can let go of all those what-if questions and move on. or you can keep them and wonder for the rest of your separated lives. will you always think of her when you walk into the forest? or feel her hand on your hip when a warm breeze blows your shirt? will you always feel her touch in another’s caress? smell her in a foreign place? will you always long for her arms to protect you in their strong embrace? will you remember how you fit into the c shape of her body when you two curled into each other and gave into asleep? will you regret it? or will you forget all about it?
would it be easier to never have loved her or anyone for that matter? would it be better to live an isolated life, void of any kind of love; distanced from all with the potential to love?
all love changes a person. all love is painful. all love is a choice, in the long run. what will you choose?
there’s the love of a child for a parent. it is reverential, mystic, magical, necessary, obligatory. it grows with awareness, shrinks with stubbornness, then grows again with age and understanding.
likewise, the love of a parent for a child is obligatory, sacrificial, educational, so strong it can break a soul, and mostly unconditional.
friendship love is different. there’s no obligation, no ties that bind, in every moment, a choice is always present to continue loving. you can choose to sacrifice for her, be loyal to her, turn your back on her when she’s wounded, suffer through a loss with her, or feed her soul.
the love you can give to a partner is much the same, by choice. sometimes we feel morally and legally bound to suffer with and sacrifice for our lovers. sometimes we just want to; maybe for comradery, martyrdom, self punishment, empathy, sympathy, or simply because we don’t know what else to do.
all of this may (or may not) lead to love for self. love for self should be, well, selfish. there should be no comprise, sacrifice, obligation. it should always be unwavering, magical and even reverential.
there is a price to pay for other loves; and it’s mostly self love. compromise. you give a little of you, she gives a little of her; and not even at the same time. who’s the score keeper of comprise? the one with the resentments? do you have resentments because you are keeping score or are you keeping score because of your resentments?
wants and needs of a loving relationship...is there a difference? do you really need her to sleep by your side most nights? or do you just want her there? it’s nice to be warm, comforted, safe and companioned, but it is possible to fall asleep without her. do you need her to help with daily life? or do you just want her there to share in the joys, work, rewards and sorrows of family life? of course you want her there, but as proven before, she doesn’t have to help in order to get the job done. do you need her to answer the phone in a crisis? or do you just want to hear her supportive words and strong voice? the crisis will pass regardless.
do you stay in a love that is heartbreaking at the worst of times and soul changing at best, even if her soul is closed for renovations for a while? or do you choose to overlook that her soul and yours have been intertwined since heaven? when her eyes looked into yours for the first time, they read your fears and dreams. when her hand touches your body, measurable electricity is created. when she laughs, you know there has to be a God. when she cries, your heart tears open. when you make love, you know there is a possibility world peace. can you overlook these things?
you can choose to walk away. you can choose to find another, who will be all these things that she is not, but may also bring a new set of wants to the relationship. you can let go of all those what-if questions and move on. or you can keep them and wonder for the rest of your separated lives. will you always think of her when you walk into the forest? or feel her hand on your hip when a warm breeze blows your shirt? will you always feel her touch in another’s caress? smell her in a foreign place? will you always long for her arms to protect you in their strong embrace? will you remember how you fit into the c shape of her body when you two curled into each other and gave into asleep? will you regret it? or will you forget all about it?
would it be easier to never have loved her or anyone for that matter? would it be better to live an isolated life, void of any kind of love; distanced from all with the potential to love?
all love changes a person. all love is painful. all love is a choice, in the long run. what will you choose?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
fifteen months
I have been dealing with alcoholism and all the behaviors that accompany it for a little over a year. I have loved my alcoholic for over two years, but did not recognize the alcoholism for almost a year. It's quite a touchy subject to write about because some of you who follow know the person that I am effected by. I have wanted to share my story for a long time, but I know that I have to be in a non-emotional space in my head to do that. It seems that today may be that day. The purpose of this post is not to bitch about my life, it is to enlighten everyone, whether or not you are affected by alcoholism.
Being consistently drawn to people afflicted with the disease of alcoholism is a disease in itself. It is a form of co-dependency. Co-dependents often feel the need to help anyone and everyone, even, and maybe especially, when they don't ask for help. For me, in the beginning of this current relationship, I would just pop up with lunch when she didn't have any. I would research some herbal way to get her through some medical ailment, then purchase the supplies. I would take charge of her recovery, when she decided that going dry was a good idea. All of this I did without her asking. I felt that I anticipated her needs and hat made me a good girlfriend. I ignored the problem, then I stressed about it. I paid for doctors visits, before we were serious. (Let's be real, we were serious from the beginning, after all, we are lesbians!) Then I played the victim. I do all this for her and she can't even stay sober at such and such event. I hold her barf pan and stay up all night making sure she doesn't die of alcohol poisoning and she can't even (insert whatever I felt she should be doing here..) I felt entitled to be listened to and have my advice followed because I did all these things for her.
Then one day, after almost a year being together, but only a few months of feeling inadequate and less important than alcohol, it clicked. She has a problem with alcohol. My dear friend had been telling me this for a while now, but I didn't listen. I made many excuses for her behavior, another symptom of my disease. I lied to myself and to others. She only over-drinks on the weekends, she only really drinks beer, I've only seen her drunk only a handful of times and so on. I began talking to others living with/in alcoholism. Their stories were mine, although some were not. My alcoholic is quite functioning compared to others. (Even now, I feel the compulsive need to defend her. She's a good person. Those that know her can attest to that, those of you who don't can just take my word for it.)
I decided to seek help for me to deal with her problems. Can anyone see the problem there? I made a decision to be completely honest with my councilor, which seems like the logical thing to do, but I had gone to see a councilor before, but only told half the story. During the intake, after only an hour, L, the councilor, told me that I was co-dependent and that I was most likely in a relationship with an alcoholic. I was freaking out. I kept saying "I can hang out alone. I can go to the movies, out to eat, to the bar, and whatnot, alone". I came home and relayed the info to a friend who confirmed with a "Duh!". Friend after friend said the same thing. They were all wrong. They had to be.
Upon insistence from L, I read Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody. Are any of you familiar with the 5 stages of grief? Stage one is shock and denial. I was shocked that there was something wrong with me! Afterall, I went to the councilor to get a diagnosis for her! Then I quickly accepted and five minutes later, I denied it again. This has happened continuously throughout my 15 month journey. I was even in a state of denial last week. Stage five is acceptance. I would say that I am there...most of the time. Owning up to my shortcomings has been extremely humbly and sometimes even makes me feel a little self righteous, because I can see my addiction in others so quickly.
I started going to Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a twelve step program based on Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I have been slow and thorough going through my steps. Just as I committed to honesty with my councilor, I also committed to honesty within the program. I am not going to push Al-Anon on anyone. It's not perfect, neither is anyone who goes to meetings. We all have short-comings, we all fall back into our holes of self-pity and self-righteousness and we all still enable our fellows to depend on us. The difference is that now, I see my shortcomings, I can crawl out of my hole faster and sometimes even sidestep the hole in the first place and I recognize my enabling and ask for help to contain it. I don't take on the world, only biting off what I can comfortably chew. It feels good to be in those rooms. I can be myself, in all my sadness and joy.
I also attend an AA meeting once a week. Hearing the stories of recovering alcoholics gives me hope. They still struggle. Even though the disease is under control, they still have it. I have seen women I love fall in and out and, humbly, back in to recovery. I have heard the stories of debauchery. I have been to some of the places they describe with my alcoholic. I find hope in that room that recovery, mine and hers, will be in our home someday.
She still actively drinks. I am not ready to give up on her, although I sometimes think life would be easier without her in it. All I can do is continue to get some sort of recovery myself. When I feel the angriest or lowest is when I have to force myself into those rooms. When I am happy and have joy to spread, I need to be in the rooms, because there may be someone who is at their lowest who may see me and feel hope, as has happened to me. I am not cured, not even close. I have not even begun to dig deep, but healing is beginning to happen for me. I feel an ounce of strength and hope today and that is better than yesterday.
Being consistently drawn to people afflicted with the disease of alcoholism is a disease in itself. It is a form of co-dependency. Co-dependents often feel the need to help anyone and everyone, even, and maybe especially, when they don't ask for help. For me, in the beginning of this current relationship, I would just pop up with lunch when she didn't have any. I would research some herbal way to get her through some medical ailment, then purchase the supplies. I would take charge of her recovery, when she decided that going dry was a good idea. All of this I did without her asking. I felt that I anticipated her needs and hat made me a good girlfriend. I ignored the problem, then I stressed about it. I paid for doctors visits, before we were serious. (Let's be real, we were serious from the beginning, after all, we are lesbians!) Then I played the victim. I do all this for her and she can't even stay sober at such and such event. I hold her barf pan and stay up all night making sure she doesn't die of alcohol poisoning and she can't even (insert whatever I felt she should be doing here..) I felt entitled to be listened to and have my advice followed because I did all these things for her.
Then one day, after almost a year being together, but only a few months of feeling inadequate and less important than alcohol, it clicked. She has a problem with alcohol. My dear friend had been telling me this for a while now, but I didn't listen. I made many excuses for her behavior, another symptom of my disease. I lied to myself and to others. She only over-drinks on the weekends, she only really drinks beer, I've only seen her drunk only a handful of times and so on. I began talking to others living with/in alcoholism. Their stories were mine, although some were not. My alcoholic is quite functioning compared to others. (Even now, I feel the compulsive need to defend her. She's a good person. Those that know her can attest to that, those of you who don't can just take my word for it.)
I decided to seek help for me to deal with her problems. Can anyone see the problem there? I made a decision to be completely honest with my councilor, which seems like the logical thing to do, but I had gone to see a councilor before, but only told half the story. During the intake, after only an hour, L, the councilor, told me that I was co-dependent and that I was most likely in a relationship with an alcoholic. I was freaking out. I kept saying "I can hang out alone. I can go to the movies, out to eat, to the bar, and whatnot, alone". I came home and relayed the info to a friend who confirmed with a "Duh!". Friend after friend said the same thing. They were all wrong. They had to be.
Upon insistence from L, I read Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody. Are any of you familiar with the 5 stages of grief? Stage one is shock and denial. I was shocked that there was something wrong with me! Afterall, I went to the councilor to get a diagnosis for her! Then I quickly accepted and five minutes later, I denied it again. This has happened continuously throughout my 15 month journey. I was even in a state of denial last week. Stage five is acceptance. I would say that I am there...most of the time. Owning up to my shortcomings has been extremely humbly and sometimes even makes me feel a little self righteous, because I can see my addiction in others so quickly.
I started going to Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a twelve step program based on Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I have been slow and thorough going through my steps. Just as I committed to honesty with my councilor, I also committed to honesty within the program. I am not going to push Al-Anon on anyone. It's not perfect, neither is anyone who goes to meetings. We all have short-comings, we all fall back into our holes of self-pity and self-righteousness and we all still enable our fellows to depend on us. The difference is that now, I see my shortcomings, I can crawl out of my hole faster and sometimes even sidestep the hole in the first place and I recognize my enabling and ask for help to contain it. I don't take on the world, only biting off what I can comfortably chew. It feels good to be in those rooms. I can be myself, in all my sadness and joy.
I also attend an AA meeting once a week. Hearing the stories of recovering alcoholics gives me hope. They still struggle. Even though the disease is under control, they still have it. I have seen women I love fall in and out and, humbly, back in to recovery. I have heard the stories of debauchery. I have been to some of the places they describe with my alcoholic. I find hope in that room that recovery, mine and hers, will be in our home someday.
She still actively drinks. I am not ready to give up on her, although I sometimes think life would be easier without her in it. All I can do is continue to get some sort of recovery myself. When I feel the angriest or lowest is when I have to force myself into those rooms. When I am happy and have joy to spread, I need to be in the rooms, because there may be someone who is at their lowest who may see me and feel hope, as has happened to me. I am not cured, not even close. I have not even begun to dig deep, but healing is beginning to happen for me. I feel an ounce of strength and hope today and that is better than yesterday.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thank You!
I know I haven't written on this blog, or any of my others for that matter, in forever, but I am grateful to everyone who follows my rambles.
Moving has been a little rough. More than a little I guess since I haven't even been able to write, but today the sun is shing and I can smile. My friend Leaner, who comments frequently on this blog had her third lovely baby this morning. It was a home birth. Congrats to you, love, and I wish you and your family my very best. I can't wait to read your birth story. I wish I could be there to meet little N!
Pushing for positive. I may be boring and non-emo for a while. Well, let's hope so. This is my life afterall and I can make it whatever I want.
Moving has been a little rough. More than a little I guess since I haven't even been able to write, but today the sun is shing and I can smile. My friend Leaner, who comments frequently on this blog had her third lovely baby this morning. It was a home birth. Congrats to you, love, and I wish you and your family my very best. I can't wait to read your birth story. I wish I could be there to meet little N!
Pushing for positive. I may be boring and non-emo for a while. Well, let's hope so. This is my life afterall and I can make it whatever I want.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Status Update
Sometimes I want my status update to say, "Hating myself right now." But I don't really want to hear from people regarding that. I just want to get it off my chest. Not really loving myself lately. Feeling like all I do is not really right. It's wrong in fact. Except that I know I do things that are good and right, but I let the screw ups over shadow them. I haven't been like this in a long time. It's a familiar, sickening feeling. Unwelcome and uncontrollably here. I am 33. Shouldn't be in control of my emotions by now? Shouldn't I be able to resist the urge to cry? I feel like a damn teenager.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
In Silence
That's how I spend much of my week. I keep my mouth shut and my ears open. I learn about the people around me simply by listening. I still make judgements, but I don't do it out loud as often. In my silence, I listen to my own inner voice. I really pay attention to the thoughts in my head. I rationalize in a more rational manner. Being silent has it's draw backs. I question myself regularly. That's a very uncomfortable place for someone who is always right to be in. I make peace with myself more often and more quickly now. In a way I mourn the loss of my silence during the weekend. Alone, but not lonely. Ok with myself. What a place to be.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Next Right Action
It has become apparent that I am the cause, root and be all end all of my problems. No surprise right? But nobody likes to look at themselves and acknowledge that. I did and now I am confessing it to all of you. I am it. I make my problems. I solve them, in by no means the best way possible, but with the only tools I have ever known.
Some words one never wants to hear, "I love you, but I don't know how to feel. You make me feel so guilty." And I do. I have done it to all my lovers. The only tool I have to fix that is silence. I just won't talk about it. That way the other person thinks all is peachy, while I struggle to convey my feelings without anyone feeling guilty. That actually doesn't work either, but what else do I have?
This isn't a poor me post. I am responsible for making men feel small, pissing off all of my relatives and pushing away my girlfriend. Just me. Not her. Not anyone else.
So tell me, what is the next right action?
Some words one never wants to hear, "I love you, but I don't know how to feel. You make me feel so guilty." And I do. I have done it to all my lovers. The only tool I have to fix that is silence. I just won't talk about it. That way the other person thinks all is peachy, while I struggle to convey my feelings without anyone feeling guilty. That actually doesn't work either, but what else do I have?
This isn't a poor me post. I am responsible for making men feel small, pissing off all of my relatives and pushing away my girlfriend. Just me. Not her. Not anyone else.
So tell me, what is the next right action?
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