The transmission on the van that I still owe 9000 dollars on. The A/C in the house that I just has fixed last year. And now the hard drive on my two year old Mac Book. Gone. Lost. For good. (Luckily, I backed up onto an external hard drive a couple of months ago.) So the universe, or she when I am mad at her, speaks to me. Time and again, she sends small notes, but I guess she has been trying to tell me something and I wasn't listening. To refresh, last time, after I screamed at her "What more?", she responded by sending someone to my house to break into it.
So what exactly could all this mean? The nearest I can tell is that I am really disconnected with the things and people who really matter. Am I really always plugged in, driving, or spending all my time in my room? Yes. One short, not so hard look reveals that I am. I live in my car and live for my phone and my computer. When the computer crashed today, I told the repair man that my lover was sick. He was confused as all hell, but then he caught on.
So after a long cry and talking it out on the phone with friends (TK was not available and I would really love to talk to her right now, but no service) I went and picked apples from my parents apple tree. I felt so good with the breeze blowing on my skin and the sun filtering through the leaves to kiss my skin. That is where I belong. In nature, Not here writing this blog or on my phone coordinating a night of country dancing. that's not where my heart lies. I long to be outside when I am inside and never want to go in when I am out.
I never wanted a cell phone. I was so reluctant to get one and now I have my yahoo, facebook, myspace and weather channel apps downloaded on my crackberry. I am never without it. I won't let my kids watch TV, so why would I allow myself to be constantly connected to my phone or computer?
So I need to make some changes. (Some have been made for me...) It won't be easy. I am not sure how I will do my papers for this upcoming semester, which promises to be VERY paper heavy. I will make due though. I know I will. As I said in my last post, I am supported now. I feel it, I know it. I have hated the van since I got it. I think I will give it back to the bank and take the financial hit. The A/C is fixed, but I know I can live without it and the computer? I will get it fixed, but I will not be on it nearly as much.
Maybe subtle hints don't work for me. I must be dense when it comes to the universe's whispers, but when she yells, I hear. I hear her loud and clear today.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Gay Boys in Short Shorts
I had long ago given up on my dream of finding my soul mate. I mean we all rationalize from time to time that there is no such person. Then we get stars in our eyes when a potential person comes along. Soul mate could be defines two ways I suppose. One, the person you are destined to be with or ,two, your ideal mate. The first means there is only one for you, the second that there are many, but maybe after you find the first one you just stop looking. I am pretty sure I can stop looking now. The best part is that she has been around for a while.
I had a small emotional breakdown over the electric bill two weeks ago. Ok, maybe not so small. I am pretty stressed about the bills and what-not. Shit was in jeopardy of getting shut off every month. Gets old all this struggling, but never fear, I sold the meager 401k I held and will survive for the summer!! Woohoo! Back to the slightly underexaggerated emo breakdown, I wanted to throw something, namely the pile of mail and bills that keep stacking up and she let me but then she held me while I cried. She assured me that she would be there for me. The thing she didn't do was tell me what everybody else has, "It's gonna be ok." I really hate that. It's like the lame excuse for life. Shit sucks, but it's gonna be okay. As if by some miracle, all the troubles will disappear. HE told me that the whole time we were married and nothing went away and nothing was ok. She just held me, she let me cry, she let me throw the mail and without a word, helped me clean it up.
I broke down that day. I don't usually do that. Especially not in front of ANYONE. I felt safe and supported for once in this last 12 years. I felt like I could be crazy for a minute and there would be no judgement. She has had her moments too and I can honestly say that I think nothing different of her. Well, maybe I think she is just that much more amazing and strong.
I have these fantastic dreams of my house becoming the home I have always dreamed about and I feel like those dreams will soon be my reality. The sky in the living room, the raised bed gardens, the composting fence, the living picket fence, the green roof, the chicken coop and the sheep or goat lawn manicurist. She doesn't think I am nuts or overboard, She knows, like I do that all of this can be accomplished by just us. And like me she envisions little cost because we will salvage most of our material.
I feel like my place in this world is saved. I am not lost anymore. I am not scared anymore. I feel like I can finally breathe and that everything will be ok.
I had a small emotional breakdown over the electric bill two weeks ago. Ok, maybe not so small. I am pretty stressed about the bills and what-not. Shit was in jeopardy of getting shut off every month. Gets old all this struggling, but never fear, I sold the meager 401k I held and will survive for the summer!! Woohoo! Back to the slightly underexaggerated emo breakdown, I wanted to throw something, namely the pile of mail and bills that keep stacking up and she let me but then she held me while I cried. She assured me that she would be there for me. The thing she didn't do was tell me what everybody else has, "It's gonna be ok." I really hate that. It's like the lame excuse for life. Shit sucks, but it's gonna be okay. As if by some miracle, all the troubles will disappear. HE told me that the whole time we were married and nothing went away and nothing was ok. She just held me, she let me cry, she let me throw the mail and without a word, helped me clean it up.
I broke down that day. I don't usually do that. Especially not in front of ANYONE. I felt safe and supported for once in this last 12 years. I felt like I could be crazy for a minute and there would be no judgement. She has had her moments too and I can honestly say that I think nothing different of her. Well, maybe I think she is just that much more amazing and strong.
I have these fantastic dreams of my house becoming the home I have always dreamed about and I feel like those dreams will soon be my reality. The sky in the living room, the raised bed gardens, the composting fence, the living picket fence, the green roof, the chicken coop and the sheep or goat lawn manicurist. She doesn't think I am nuts or overboard, She knows, like I do that all of this can be accomplished by just us. And like me she envisions little cost because we will salvage most of our material.
I feel like my place in this world is saved. I am not lost anymore. I am not scared anymore. I feel like I can finally breathe and that everything will be ok.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Getting Back to Me
I have been lost for a while. The last gf did a number on me and still continues to try, although I think she is genuinely oblivious to what she is doing. I have moved on and I am seeing someone else. After being on the other's roller coaster, this relationship almost seems to be lacking something. Oh yes, drama and mystery, not the good, sexy kind either. I think I can live without that. She is good to me and my kids. She helps with chores and other household responsibilities. She loves camping, is a vegetarian, loves gardening and generally being dirty. She also wants her own peice of land to homestead on. She's a is very earth-based in her choices. She rides a motorcycle, so she's HOT! She has a great sense of style and she knows herself. Her name on here shall be TK. TK and I have been friends since December and only recently, six weeks today, started dating. There was always a strong attraction, but she was dating my friend and I the other girl. And after my break-up, I had to find myself again. (I realize now that the girl is definitly not the girl I was meant to be with. She is a super girl, but not for me. I don't really want to talk about her anymore.)
TK and I started hanging out during my last week of finals. She helped me write the impossible logic paper by making me dinner and reminding me to breath periodically. Up until then. i just considered her a friend, but that night I started to consider her. I was so anti-dating that she hadn't occurred to me before. I really battled my feelings for her because I still loved the last one. I let her spend the night here that night, but I didn't let anything happen. After a few more nights of studying and dinner, I finally relented and I kissed her. Was so nice and so different. She is so sensual, I love the way her body moves. She is also very strong, in body and mind. She can hold me.
I had given up on the dream of finding someone who was enough like me that we could be harmonious, but different enough to keep us both interested. She is very smart, has a degree in forensic psychology, but doesn't work in the field right now because she got burnt out. She understands that happiness is not money and stuff. We have these amazing conversations for hours about politics, activism, current events and everything in between. She doesn't just roll over for my wants, nor does she expect me always give into her. Camping with TK was just as I had hoped. She and I have different camping strengths and we work well together without much verbal communication.
As an aside, when we went camping, I tried to do everything myself because that is what I am used to and she had to keep reminding me that she was capable and likewise. She is very independent and has also never been with someone who complimented her like I do.
Back to getting back to me, I can be me when I am with her. I don't have to be made up all the time. I don't feel ashamed of my lack of labels on my clothes. I can wear a dress when I want and not be judged. (I rarely wear a dress outside the house, but I do like them sometimes.) I never thought being with someone could be so effortless and comfortable without being boring. I walked into my house the other day and for the first time it felt like home. I am home. I am home in her arms and out. I have started being vegan again. Today is day two. She wants to try too and with her being veggie already, it won't be a stretch. We eat home prepared dinners together almost every night. We still go out on our own and I will never lose track of my friends.
My semester begins in August and I will be really busy again, but I know that I have the support I need to have a great semester. Plus, I have already proven to myself that I can do this all on my own. I am strong and capable. (PS The picture is of her, not me.)
Friday, May 08, 2009
Day Eleven of "Thirty Days of Gratitude" A Photo and Poetry Series
when it seems like i need to give up
when it feels like my heart can’t continue to beat
when i think the miles will erase your smell from my memory
when i don’t feel your touch anymore
when you are sick and i am helpless
when you cry and i can’t dry your tears
i know we can look and see the same heavens
i know we can wish on the same stars
i know the moon pulls on your heart like she does mine
we will emerge, each, more powerful
we will realize longing and love
we will feel more, know more, be more
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Life Up Til Now Summary
I’m just going to write tonight. My semester is coming to an end and it is so busy with tests, papers, papers and more papers. I am exhausted. This semester has been the toughest one I have had in 2 years. I started off the semester with a girlfriend, I end it with a person I am so in love with it is stupid. Right before my birthday, she broke up with me to take care of some things in her life. Healing from an injury, feeling out some feelings with other people, you know the regular stuff. I hope what she has found is that I am pretty fuckin great and she need not look further. (There’s so much more I need to write about her in a bit.) Schoolwork has been tough. I had a full credit semester, so I have been really busy. At least a paper per week.
Also A1 started Little League. He’s cute in his uniform and eager to be good, which I think will take him a long way. I see so much of myself in him. It’s scary. I see all the hurt for the world around, all the injustice processing in his eyes. i see how sensitive he is about how people treat him. He can only take so much before it just bursts from his little eyes. He is a very young ten. I love that about him. He’s also a very trying ten. He is super smart, but is not quite sure how to articulate all he has in his brain. One can see the wheels turning in his head non-stop. The child is always on, just like me. He stays up late at night, he cries, he reads, he talks to himself. He talks about killing himself sometimes, only when he is so mad and frustrated with himself. See, he is so scattered that he forgets to do things, bring things, or where he put things. Why would any sane and loving god give him my traits?
A2 is plugging right along. I think he feels so much, but he says so little. Like his dad. (Sigh) I am trying to rectify this. He has taken up skateboarding, but not on wheels. He uses a broken fence post. I am hoping to buy him a complete deck soon, so he can really get to business. I talked to one of the board shops and they like to sponsor the little people and want to see him on a real board. It would be so cool if he skated for a pro shop. He is still feeling out the living between two homes deal. He seems to do well, but there are transition problems. The dad likes to drop them off with cookies, slushes and crappy toys from the dollar section at Target. From all three, but less from A2, I hear how much better it is to live with dad. (Dad gives them an allowance also, something I can’t afford.) A2 has been my knight and defender throughout the last two years. At times I think he is too grown up, too fast. He is very well versed in the gay lingo and lifestyle and very accepting. He smiles so much, but when he gets mad, which is not very often, he is MAD! The injustice he feels is injustice he feels is directed towards him, unlike A1 who feels the outside worlds pain.
K baby is growing so much every day. i look at his first day of school picture and I hardly recognize the baby walking with his lunch-box. He has made so many friends and is accepting of all people. He loves me with all of his heart. When we have a fight, he is usually the first to apologize. The corners of his mouth move to a frown and the tears start flowing, “I’m sorry, Mommy.” he will cry out. It’s heartbreaking. We don’t fight often, but when we do it’s a doozy. He still wants to sleep with me every night and I want to let him. It breaks my heart when every night I have to tell him no. I do my homework in my room and he stays awake the whole time. The three of them sleep in a loft bed and it is really hard for me to get him down once he is asleep, but every once in a while I will bring him to bed once he is asleep and I am ready to shut off the lights. It’s nice sleeping next to him. He cuddles my head. He stares me awake in the mornings. He runs his fingers through my hair. He is unconditional love personified. He will be continuing Kindergarten in the fall. I am very happy with this decision, but his dad is not. He does not want to pay for aftercare anymore. I am going to try and help, but at this point, I am already struggling to pay my bills.
I have decided to continue on to the nursing program. It is something I have been interested in and I think it’s about time I settle into something for a bit so I can save up for my farm in Canada. (Going to Canada in August! I am really excited and so is she.) I compared my life with hers, an act I don’t often commit because our lives are so different. What I found were many similarities. After she recovers from her injury, she still has a long way to go to be the best in her sport. Before I was looking at it like once she recovers, she’s on top again. What I realized is that there is a lot of work in between. And then I looked at myself. I am recovering from the last ten years and have only been working at me and my independence for two years. How can I possibly expect the world so soon? I can’t. Even without a goal date, I must persevere and be calm and happy with my decisions. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle, but I will struggle with purpose.
She has been gone for a month and a week. Originally, she was to be gone for five months, now it’s looking like six. I think I will be seeing her in two weeks. When she left we were back together, but without a label. We were making love and sleeping in each others arms, I love her, she loves me. When she left, I wasn’t sure what we were or precisely what I meant to her. It took me four weeks to ask her. Up until that night I was so afraid of what she might say, but that day I decided that if I was not the same to her as she was to me, I would have to move on. Even just a rebound relationship would have to do at this point. When I finally asked her, she said that she meant o bring this up before she left and was sorry she didn’t. (She was very sick and we has to take her to the hospital three days before she left.) She said she couldn’t ask me to wait because she had waited for someone who came back and the feelings weren’t there. She said it hurt her so bad, she would never ask me to do the same. The conclusion was that we both still very much love each other and if we are meant to be we will be.
After that conversation, I felt so good. For a week. I just miss her so much. I know she is hurting and I want to be there for her. I want to go on walks with her and help her put aside her pain for just moments of the day if I can, but I can’t. I am here. I am bound here. (I am trying not to say stuck here, because it sounds so much more negative.) At the moment my ties are here. This is where my kids and school are. There is time for me to be who I want to be sometime down the road I guess. As you can plainly see I am not completely convinced. This is a place where I am struggling. So many of my friends are moving away to bigger cities, cooler jobs, places I want to be. I am here. I am in a hell that I cannot escape. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two back. Or worse, at terrible times I feel stagnant.
I have alienated my friends. I don’t want to hang out with most of them. I have become very quite and reserved with my words. I am so stuck in my head most of the time that I am missing the things going on around me. I got in trouble at work for not being my cheerful self. I am really upset about that. I can’t be super happy all of the time. I am too busy for happy. Sad, I know. I have however written some beautiful poetry lately. I have been forcing myself to go out and participate with my friends in our normal activities, but I just end up tuning them out. The one thing I have enjoyed lately is hiking. The only problem with that is the person I have been hiking with is falling in love with me. Her words. So now I feel like I have to back away from the situation. She’s a cool girl, but I am just not ready to give up my love for HER. This summer will be a tough one. Finding money to pay bills, keeping my mind off her, keeping the kids busy for free. It’s so much to think about. I really want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok and I want to believe them, because I haven’t believed anyone before.
Also A1 started Little League. He’s cute in his uniform and eager to be good, which I think will take him a long way. I see so much of myself in him. It’s scary. I see all the hurt for the world around, all the injustice processing in his eyes. i see how sensitive he is about how people treat him. He can only take so much before it just bursts from his little eyes. He is a very young ten. I love that about him. He’s also a very trying ten. He is super smart, but is not quite sure how to articulate all he has in his brain. One can see the wheels turning in his head non-stop. The child is always on, just like me. He stays up late at night, he cries, he reads, he talks to himself. He talks about killing himself sometimes, only when he is so mad and frustrated with himself. See, he is so scattered that he forgets to do things, bring things, or where he put things. Why would any sane and loving god give him my traits?
A2 is plugging right along. I think he feels so much, but he says so little. Like his dad. (Sigh) I am trying to rectify this. He has taken up skateboarding, but not on wheels. He uses a broken fence post. I am hoping to buy him a complete deck soon, so he can really get to business. I talked to one of the board shops and they like to sponsor the little people and want to see him on a real board. It would be so cool if he skated for a pro shop. He is still feeling out the living between two homes deal. He seems to do well, but there are transition problems. The dad likes to drop them off with cookies, slushes and crappy toys from the dollar section at Target. From all three, but less from A2, I hear how much better it is to live with dad. (Dad gives them an allowance also, something I can’t afford.) A2 has been my knight and defender throughout the last two years. At times I think he is too grown up, too fast. He is very well versed in the gay lingo and lifestyle and very accepting. He smiles so much, but when he gets mad, which is not very often, he is MAD! The injustice he feels is injustice he feels is directed towards him, unlike A1 who feels the outside worlds pain.
K baby is growing so much every day. i look at his first day of school picture and I hardly recognize the baby walking with his lunch-box. He has made so many friends and is accepting of all people. He loves me with all of his heart. When we have a fight, he is usually the first to apologize. The corners of his mouth move to a frown and the tears start flowing, “I’m sorry, Mommy.” he will cry out. It’s heartbreaking. We don’t fight often, but when we do it’s a doozy. He still wants to sleep with me every night and I want to let him. It breaks my heart when every night I have to tell him no. I do my homework in my room and he stays awake the whole time. The three of them sleep in a loft bed and it is really hard for me to get him down once he is asleep, but every once in a while I will bring him to bed once he is asleep and I am ready to shut off the lights. It’s nice sleeping next to him. He cuddles my head. He stares me awake in the mornings. He runs his fingers through my hair. He is unconditional love personified. He will be continuing Kindergarten in the fall. I am very happy with this decision, but his dad is not. He does not want to pay for aftercare anymore. I am going to try and help, but at this point, I am already struggling to pay my bills.
I have decided to continue on to the nursing program. It is something I have been interested in and I think it’s about time I settle into something for a bit so I can save up for my farm in Canada. (Going to Canada in August! I am really excited and so is she.) I compared my life with hers, an act I don’t often commit because our lives are so different. What I found were many similarities. After she recovers from her injury, she still has a long way to go to be the best in her sport. Before I was looking at it like once she recovers, she’s on top again. What I realized is that there is a lot of work in between. And then I looked at myself. I am recovering from the last ten years and have only been working at me and my independence for two years. How can I possibly expect the world so soon? I can’t. Even without a goal date, I must persevere and be calm and happy with my decisions. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle, but I will struggle with purpose.
She has been gone for a month and a week. Originally, she was to be gone for five months, now it’s looking like six. I think I will be seeing her in two weeks. When she left we were back together, but without a label. We were making love and sleeping in each others arms, I love her, she loves me. When she left, I wasn’t sure what we were or precisely what I meant to her. It took me four weeks to ask her. Up until that night I was so afraid of what she might say, but that day I decided that if I was not the same to her as she was to me, I would have to move on. Even just a rebound relationship would have to do at this point. When I finally asked her, she said that she meant o bring this up before she left and was sorry she didn’t. (She was very sick and we has to take her to the hospital three days before she left.) She said she couldn’t ask me to wait because she had waited for someone who came back and the feelings weren’t there. She said it hurt her so bad, she would never ask me to do the same. The conclusion was that we both still very much love each other and if we are meant to be we will be.
After that conversation, I felt so good. For a week. I just miss her so much. I know she is hurting and I want to be there for her. I want to go on walks with her and help her put aside her pain for just moments of the day if I can, but I can’t. I am here. I am bound here. (I am trying not to say stuck here, because it sounds so much more negative.) At the moment my ties are here. This is where my kids and school are. There is time for me to be who I want to be sometime down the road I guess. As you can plainly see I am not completely convinced. This is a place where I am struggling. So many of my friends are moving away to bigger cities, cooler jobs, places I want to be. I am here. I am in a hell that I cannot escape. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two back. Or worse, at terrible times I feel stagnant.
I have alienated my friends. I don’t want to hang out with most of them. I have become very quite and reserved with my words. I am so stuck in my head most of the time that I am missing the things going on around me. I got in trouble at work for not being my cheerful self. I am really upset about that. I can’t be super happy all of the time. I am too busy for happy. Sad, I know. I have however written some beautiful poetry lately. I have been forcing myself to go out and participate with my friends in our normal activities, but I just end up tuning them out. The one thing I have enjoyed lately is hiking. The only problem with that is the person I have been hiking with is falling in love with me. Her words. So now I feel like I have to back away from the situation. She’s a cool girl, but I am just not ready to give up my love for HER. This summer will be a tough one. Finding money to pay bills, keeping my mind off her, keeping the kids busy for free. It’s so much to think about. I really want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok and I want to believe them, because I haven’t believed anyone before.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Place to Go
It used to be that I thought
making love was a physical act
But now you are gone;
so far away, a visit is an event
It occurs to me how many
different ways there are to make love
We made love with a silent stare
held over many minutes
Your chestnut eyes imploring
my soul, drinking me in
A kiss about to happen
our breath caught in the moment
We made love with a whisper
a song for your ears only
Words you longed to hear
but were too afraid to ask for
I love you, you’d sigh
with eyes closed in a dream
We made love with our laughter
coming from deep within
A mutual enjoyment of
each others company
Some nights it didn’t stop
until we laughed ourselves to sleep
We made love in those moments
when the rivers broke the levy
Times when all was lost,
except the hope we found in our embrace
Why? I asked, to which you had no reply,
but the strength of your arms
We made love last night with written word
you begging of me that justice was done
A short message with all I have,
all I want to give, if you’ll just let me
A heart put at ease, by another
so full to burst, it ached in my chest
So you see, my love, this distance
is mere miles on a map
Making love to you is a memory
i can recall when I need to
A place to go where you touch my heart
when you cannot touch my hand
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
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