I’m just going to write tonight. My semester is coming to an end and it is so busy with tests, papers, papers and more papers. I am exhausted. This semester has been the toughest one I have had in 2 years. I started off the semester with a girlfriend, I end it with a person I am so in love with it is stupid. Right before my birthday, she broke up with me to take care of some things in her life. Healing from an injury, feeling out some feelings with other people, you know the regular stuff. I hope what she has found is that I am pretty fuckin great and she need not look further. (There’s so much more I need to write about her in a bit.) Schoolwork has been tough. I had a full credit semester, so I have been really busy. At least a paper per week.
Also A1 started Little League. He’s cute in his uniform and eager to be good, which I think will take him a long way. I see so much of myself in him. It’s scary. I see all the hurt for the world around, all the injustice processing in his eyes. i see how sensitive he is about how people treat him. He can only take so much before it just bursts from his little eyes. He is a very young ten. I love that about him. He’s also a very trying ten. He is super smart, but is not quite sure how to articulate all he has in his brain. One can see the wheels turning in his head non-stop. The child is always on, just like me. He stays up late at night, he cries, he reads, he talks to himself. He talks about killing himself sometimes, only when he is so mad and frustrated with himself. See, he is so scattered that he forgets to do things, bring things, or where he put things. Why would any sane and loving god give him my traits?
A2 is plugging right along. I think he feels so much, but he says so little. Like his dad. (Sigh) I am trying to rectify this. He has taken up skateboarding, but not on wheels. He uses a broken fence post. I am hoping to buy him a complete deck soon, so he can really get to business. I talked to one of the board shops and they like to sponsor the little people and want to see him on a real board. It would be so cool if he skated for a pro shop. He is still feeling out the living between two homes deal. He seems to do well, but there are transition problems. The dad likes to drop them off with cookies, slushes and crappy toys from the dollar section at Target. From all three, but less from A2, I hear how much better it is to live with dad. (Dad gives them an allowance also, something I can’t afford.) A2 has been my knight and defender throughout the last two years. At times I think he is too grown up, too fast. He is very well versed in the gay lingo and lifestyle and very accepting. He smiles so much, but when he gets mad, which is not very often, he is MAD! The injustice he feels is injustice he feels is directed towards him, unlike A1 who feels the outside worlds pain.
K baby is growing so much every day. i look at his first day of school picture and I hardly recognize the baby walking with his lunch-box. He has made so many friends and is accepting of all people. He loves me with all of his heart. When we have a fight, he is usually the first to apologize. The corners of his mouth move to a frown and the tears start flowing, “I’m sorry, Mommy.” he will cry out. It’s heartbreaking. We don’t fight often, but when we do it’s a doozy. He still wants to sleep with me every night and I want to let him. It breaks my heart when every night I have to tell him no. I do my homework in my room and he stays awake the whole time. The three of them sleep in a loft bed and it is really hard for me to get him down once he is asleep, but every once in a while I will bring him to bed once he is asleep and I am ready to shut off the lights. It’s nice sleeping next to him. He cuddles my head. He stares me awake in the mornings. He runs his fingers through my hair. He is unconditional love personified. He will be continuing Kindergarten in the fall. I am very happy with this decision, but his dad is not. He does not want to pay for aftercare anymore. I am going to try and help, but at this point, I am already struggling to pay my bills.
I have decided to continue on to the nursing program. It is something I have been interested in and I think it’s about time I settle into something for a bit so I can save up for my farm in Canada. (Going to Canada in August! I am really excited and so is she.) I compared my life with hers, an act I don’t often commit because our lives are so different. What I found were many similarities. After she recovers from her injury, she still has a long way to go to be the best in her sport. Before I was looking at it like once she recovers, she’s on top again. What I realized is that there is a lot of work in between. And then I looked at myself. I am recovering from the last ten years and have only been working at me and my independence for two years. How can I possibly expect the world so soon? I can’t. Even without a goal date, I must persevere and be calm and happy with my decisions. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle, but I will struggle with purpose.
She has been gone for a month and a week. Originally, she was to be gone for five months, now it’s looking like six. I think I will be seeing her in two weeks. When she left we were back together, but without a label. We were making love and sleeping in each others arms, I love her, she loves me. When she left, I wasn’t sure what we were or precisely what I meant to her. It took me four weeks to ask her. Up until that night I was so afraid of what she might say, but that day I decided that if I was not the same to her as she was to me, I would have to move on. Even just a rebound relationship would have to do at this point. When I finally asked her, she said that she meant o bring this up before she left and was sorry she didn’t. (She was very sick and we has to take her to the hospital three days before she left.) She said she couldn’t ask me to wait because she had waited for someone who came back and the feelings weren’t there. She said it hurt her so bad, she would never ask me to do the same. The conclusion was that we both still very much love each other and if we are meant to be we will be.
After that conversation, I felt so good. For a week. I just miss her so much. I know she is hurting and I want to be there for her. I want to go on walks with her and help her put aside her pain for just moments of the day if I can, but I can’t. I am here. I am bound here. (I am trying not to say stuck here, because it sounds so much more negative.) At the moment my ties are here. This is where my kids and school are. There is time for me to be who I want to be sometime down the road I guess. As you can plainly see I am not completely convinced. This is a place where I am struggling. So many of my friends are moving away to bigger cities, cooler jobs, places I want to be. I am here. I am in a hell that I cannot escape. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two back. Or worse, at terrible times I feel stagnant.
I have alienated my friends. I don’t want to hang out with most of them. I have become very quite and reserved with my words. I am so stuck in my head most of the time that I am missing the things going on around me. I got in trouble at work for not being my cheerful self. I am really upset about that. I can’t be super happy all of the time. I am too busy for happy. Sad, I know. I have however written some beautiful poetry lately. I have been forcing myself to go out and participate with my friends in our normal activities, but I just end up tuning them out. The one thing I have enjoyed lately is hiking. The only problem with that is the person I have been hiking with is falling in love with me. Her words. So now I feel like I have to back away from the situation. She’s a cool girl, but I am just not ready to give up my love for HER. This summer will be a tough one. Finding money to pay bills, keeping my mind off her, keeping the kids busy for free. It’s so much to think about. I really want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok and I want to believe them, because I haven’t believed anyone before.
