Impatient

What is the plan for this life.? I am getting tired of living and waiting for the ultimate end. And what if the end arrives and it's anticlimactic? What if all this pain is a waste? What if I am no better off in ten years, twenty years, fifty years than I am now? I want to know now if I should continue. Will I ever find my place in this world? It's definitely not where I am now, that's for sure. I want to just say fuck it all. I want to quit. Quit it all. It's all too much me. I wake up everyday to discontent. Unrest. Why bother anymore?

i forgot about this til now

So I went out with and active-duty-for-3-more-days marine last night. She was fucking fabulous. I had only chatted with her briefly over email and text, so when I went to pick her up, I was surprised that neither off us missed a beat. It was like we were old buddies. I took her to a hockey game. When the national anthem started, I stood. I felt really wrong about that. I don't usually stand for the NA, but I felt like if I didn't it would cause conflict. So I stood. I averted my eyes from the flag. That's weird. Like the flag is the boogie man, but I felt so compromised that if I looked at the flag, I would become part of the masses. I don't think she noticed me fidgeting. That's it.

maybe, should it end?

Why let myself get deep? It's useless. Distance is too much. But then I ask, how much does a physical relationship matter? Why even get my hopes up when there is no way to do anything about it? Just feeling lame today, I guess. Super moody. Way down. It's E's birthday. I was supposed to be there, but I couldn't be. We made the plans together, but I guess you can never predict someone new. I truly hope they are having a wonderful time. I have felt pretty stable over the last few weeks but now I just feel like running. I just want out of my skin, my home, my state, my country (hard to stake claim to that one). I just want to be someone else, someone with a fabulous life. Not someone who is always struggling. I am too tired to continue. It's just too much right now. Today is Sunday, I should be hanging with my kids, but HE took them all day. Haven't seen them in a week, now I have to wait another week. They probably think I hate them. HE probably tells them that I do. I really hate my job. My goal is feeling out of sight. Deflated. Off to spend money I don't have and put on weight I don't need.

My current mood: Confused

About 5 minutes to blog. Have a job. Hate it. Wish to god I was with my kids. I want to pick them up and nap with KK. I want to make them healthy meals. I want my boys so bad, it hurts like hell. Met someone. She doesn't live here. Of course. It's better that way I suppose. I don't know why yet, but I am sure it will all come out later. Like the Je situation. but this one is really too good to be true. Fuck it all to hell!!! FUCK. No home internet til Saturday. Lost without my outlet. The good old imlettinggo. I should change it to ilostcontrol. Hhhhhhhh... Break over.

Brian

I just want you to know I miss you so much. I can't wait to talk to you. I am hoping that if you have limited access you to the Internet, you check this and know I love you and I support you!! I will see you soon. <3

You know you have a friend when:

*She slithers under the stall door at a bar to hold your hair.
*She comes over in the middle of the night after she had the stomach flu all day to kill cockroaches with you.
*She comes up with silly, amazing ideas, like sing along Sundays, and makes them something to look forward to
*She lets you spend the night, so you have someone to wake up to.
*She nicely tells you the way to cure a learned lisp, even though she doesn't really like what you said to your kid.
*She is invited to hang at your house while your out and she vacuums the whole thing.
*He/she calls when you least expect it and most need it.
*She lets me be mad at her and confront her, because that's my nature, even though it's not hers.
*There is an open door policy at her house.
*She misses me, even if we only talked 24 hours ago.
*All of you genuinely love my kids. I see it and I love you that much more for it.
*No matter what other person she is with, when the Umbrella song comes on, I am the one she dances with.
*Likewise with the Buttons song.
*She lets me dirty dance with her girlfriend.
*She watches all three of my midgets on 3 hours of sleep.
*She see through my sarcastic texts
*She lets me drunk dial her and I am the first one she drunk dials
There is so much more...I will add more when it comes to me... Love you all!!!