Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Here Goes Nothing

Tonight is New Years Eve. I am going out with her and her parents. Which means I am meeting them for the first time. I am so nervous. Everyone keeps telling me to be myself. Problem is she's not out to her parents. They know, but she's not officially told them , so no hand holding and NO kissing!!! They'll like me, but will they like me as their daughters girlfriend? I feel like I am going to toss my cookies. I'm excited and nervous and happy and scared. She'll be here in an hour and a half. i wonder if they are nervous to meet me? Knowing I am having sex with their little girl. Even if it's unconfirmed. This is called nervous rambling. My fingers re even shaking like my voice would be if I was talking this out. Wish me luck! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Is There a Point When Losing Yourself Turns Into an Evolution of Self?

I have felt very lost and unsure as of late. I can remember when the feelings started stirring and what brought them about. It's her. It's my financial inferiority to her. I decided early on that it would start to weigh on her that I was poor. And I am. You would never know by certain things, but if you look at my bank account, I'm poor. In fact below poverty level would best describe me. The difference has never bothered her. It bothers me though.

She never flaunts her status. I never look out of place when we go out. There's just my feeling of not belonging in her world. I even think that as a person, I am good enough for her. I also think that I am projecting all of these feelings on her and in my own sadistic way, I am pushing her away.

Onto the above titled question. I feel like I have lost myself in trying to be someone better for her. Like I am buying clothes like crazy and eating foods I don't normally eat. Just to make myself feel like I fit with her. In the beginning, before I decided in my head that she would get tired of my financial situation, I was happy. I think she was happier too. (Her happiness, though, wanes and waxes as it is, so who knows why.)

The food I consume must be wrangled under control. I was dabbling in the dairy a little before her, but I was still really careful about how much I ate. Now, it seems that it's a free for all. The clothes are breaking my already broken bank. Then again, I love looking good. I love the way it feels when people pay attention to me cuz I look good. I really don't give two shits about most people I meet because I meet so many and I am picky about my friendships; so why all the sudden do I care what they think about my clothes?

This whole outward appearance thing has been evolving for the last two years though. Since I became single and came out. I have wanted to look good, but my own style. Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking at the latest Cosmo for my New Years outfit or anything. I'm not that into it for God's sake. Just care about myself a little more now.

I also want to make very clear that she is NOT the reason for my self-conciseness. I am. These are all thoughts in my head. She has never asked me to be anyone but myself. So is this just a new extension of me? An evolution? Or am lost in some stupid notion of having to be someone I am not for a girl? Comments are welcome, as always. And please be honest.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

For Their Sake

I really need to pick myself up off the ground and get the spirit. I just can't. I mean what did they ever do to get a sad mom? It's not fair to them. I used to love Christmas. Now I hate it. I hate everything it stands for. The buying frenzy (cause I'm broke), the lights (cause I have nobody to drive around and look at them with. Believe me, the kids complain), the parties (because I am alone) the baking (because I never want to be fat again) the people making it about family (cause I don't have one).

A friends mom emailed me from out of town and asked me to get something for her daughter from her so she would have something to open. My mom would never think about doing that. My mom hates me.

It's supposed to be a magical time of year for the kids. Instead they have been watching me cry for the week. They don't deserve me, the should have been born to someone who has their shit together. I forced myself to put up the tree, but I couldn't even help them decorate it. When I was kid, the whole family would decorate together. My mom would put on her Johnny Mathis Christmas album and we would lovingly unwrap the ornaments and remember each one from the year before.

I know when I lost the magic. It was the Christmas of 98. My new year started off with me telling my parents I was pregnant. My mom called me a slut, a whore, what have you. She called A1 a bastard. All of these things in front of my roommate who also had a child out of wed lock. Except my mom went and found my roommate and her son to tell them that she was a lovely mother and that her son was not a bastard. The terrible labels belonged to me alone. That year, we had no money for a christmas tree and Ry, formally the fat man (who is still fat, but I don't care to give him so much of a name anymore) asked his dad to borrow money to buy a tree because it meant so much to me. In Ry's haste and because he didn't give two shits, he bought a tiny, DEAD tree.

He didn't care. The one holiday I cared so much about, he didn't. Every night I cried myself to sleep staring at that dead tree wishing for the simpler times of no kids, no cares. I love A1 and all my boys and most times of the year, I would never wish they were someone else's. Now I do. Now I wish they had someone who could decorate the tree with them. Someone who could get out of bed. Someone who had wrapping paper right now.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

You Know You Do

You know that utterly amazing feeling of meeting this great person, having that instant connection? You know you do. Even if you're married, you probably still dream of it. I know I did. I love that feeling. What I don't love is that it goes away. When she goes away. And doesn't call, but every three days, because its not her way. Nevermind your feelings. Nevermind that you even brought it up to her that communication is necessary. That you need it. Then she comes back in town and things are suppose to be perfect again. And they are. Is it because you're putting your feelings aside? Not sure? Neither am I.

Right now and really every time she leaves and there is little communication, I feel a great disconnect. In the beginning she told me that all of her gf's have cheated on her and I couldn't figure out why. Now I know it's because she's a wee selfish. Honey, just cuz you don't feel like communicating, doesn't mean you don't have to.

I think I will know the real extent of this lack on Xmas. I hate Xmas. I don't want to go into the why's now, but I cry alot around this time. If I get a text on Christmas, which is also our 3 month anniversary, I might have to rethink things. Who am I kidding? She'll be back, I'll be closed off for a couple of hours and then BOOM, right back into routine, til she leaves again. (All this is really starting to take a toll on my self-confidence.)

I don't ask for much. The talk doesn't even have to be on the phone. Emails. Pictures. Texts. But not just on her time. But when I need her too. It always something. It's not like I need her all the time. In fact, i go through most of my day not thinking about her much. And even that's scary. Shouldn't I be thinking about her more? The only thing I have been thinking lately is if I am somehow trying to sabotage this relationship.

I have a hard time thinking about a future with her. She wants the big house, brand new even, a strain in the environment. New furniture. A virgin piece of land. I want a one room cabin with an old wood burning stove in the heat the whole place. At least she agreed to look into straw bale building. People, I know it's really early in the relationship to be thinking this way, but I question whether or not to bide my time with her, or cut my losses before the hurt runs deeper.

People change. I certainly am not the same person I was 7 years ago when I was her age. She's really young. She's lived an extremely privileged life. I sometimes think I am a novelty to her. A taste of real life.

Don't get me wrong. She has amazing qualities and we have amazing conversation. Laying with her in bed is perfect. We fit. We have fabulous sex. (I am showing her that penetration is a good thing, just like someone showed me.) She is so soft and 98% percent of the time give super advice. The other two percent was for when she told me spanking was good. Otherwise, the girl keeps me grounded. She puts me in my place when I set adrift. She smells good. She's beautiful. She's such a deep thinker. Wow, sometimes the words that come out of her mouth are intense. We laugh in abundance. We cry together. She is so strong; in character and physical strength. She can calm me without words. She seems to know me. She needs me. She seeks comfort in my arms. She's warn and generous. She is also compassionate.

Maybe her lack of communication is a sign from the universe that when I think I need someone, I really just need me. I must rely on me. Maybe I am making excuses. Xmas is in a day. She gets back in 4 days...with her parents, who she outted me to. She's not even out to them, although from the line of questioning, the are begging her to trust them to love her no matter what. I am not sure how all this will work while they are here. I do know that I have a date with all three of them on New Years at the swanky Mastro's Ocean Club. I will be taking advantage of the all you can drink lemon drop martini's; that's for damn sure!!

I guess I will find the right solution to my dilemma in good time. I just need to be patient and remember that I am not stuck in a dead end future anymore.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Friendship by Henry David Thoreau (Merry Christmas my friends)

I think awhile of Love, and while I think,
Love is to me a world,
Sole meat and sweetest drink,
And close connecting link
Tween heaven and earth.
I only know it is, not how or why,
My greatest happiness;
However hard I try,
Not if I were to die,
Can I explain.

I fain would ask my friend how it can be,
But when the time arrives,
Then Love is more lovely
Than anything to me,
And so I'm dumb.

For if the truth were known, Love cannot speak,
But only thinks and does;
Though surely out 'twill leak
Without the help of Greek,
Or any tongue.

A man may love the truth and practise it,
Beauty he may admire,
And goodness not omit,
As much as may befit
To reverence.

But only when these three together meet,
As they always incline,
And make one soul the seat,
And favorite retreat,
Of loveliness;

When under kindred shape, like loves and hates
And a kindred nature,
Proclaim us to be mates,
Exposed to equal fates
Eternally;

And each may other help, and service do,
Drawing Love's bands more tight,
Service he ne'er shall rue
While one and one make two,
And two are one;

In such case only doth man fully prove
Fully as man can do,
What power there is in Love
His inmost soul to move
Resistlessly.

Two sturdy oaks I mean, which side by side,
Withstand the winter's storm,
And spite of wind and tide,
Grow up the meadow's pride,
For both are strong

Above they barely touch, but undermined
Down to their deepest source,
Admiring you shall find
Their roots are intertwined
Insep'rably.