I have been dealing with alcoholism and all the behaviors that accompany it for a little over a year. I have loved my alcoholic for over two years, but did not recognize the alcoholism for almost a year. It's quite a touchy subject to write about because some of you who follow know the person that I am effected by. I have wanted to share my story for a long time, but I know that I have to be in a non-emotional space in my head to do that. It seems that today may be that day. The purpose of this post is not to bitch about my life, it is to enlighten everyone, whether or not you are affected by alcoholism.
Being consistently drawn to people afflicted with the disease of alcoholism is a disease in itself. It is a form of co-dependency. Co-dependents often feel the need to help anyone and everyone, even, and maybe especially, when they don't ask for help. For me, in the beginning of this current relationship, I would just pop up with lunch when she didn't have any. I would research some herbal way to get her through some medical ailment, then purchase the supplies. I would take charge of her recovery, when she decided that going dry was a good idea. All of this I did without her asking. I felt that I anticipated her needs and hat made me a good girlfriend. I ignored the problem, then I stressed about it. I paid for doctors visits, before we were serious. (Let's be real, we were serious from the beginning, after all, we are lesbians!) Then I played the victim. I do all this for her and she can't even stay sober at such and such event. I hold her barf pan and stay up all night making sure she doesn't die of alcohol poisoning and she can't even (insert whatever I felt she should be doing here..) I felt entitled to be listened to and have my advice followed because I did all these things for her.
Then one day, after almost a year being together, but only a few months of feeling inadequate and less important than alcohol, it clicked. She has a problem with alcohol. My dear friend had been telling me this for a while now, but I didn't listen. I made many excuses for her behavior, another symptom of my disease. I lied to myself and to others. She only over-drinks on the weekends, she only really drinks beer, I've only seen her drunk only a handful of times and so on. I began talking to others living with/in alcoholism. Their stories were mine, although some were not. My alcoholic is quite functioning compared to others. (Even now, I feel the compulsive need to defend her. She's a good person. Those that know her can attest to that, those of you who don't can just take my word for it.)
I decided to seek help for me to deal with her problems. Can anyone see the problem there? I made a decision to be completely honest with my councilor, which seems like the logical thing to do, but I had gone to see a councilor before, but only told half the story. During the intake, after only an hour, L, the councilor, told me that I was co-dependent and that I was most likely in a relationship with an alcoholic. I was freaking out. I kept saying "I can hang out alone. I can go to the movies, out to eat, to the bar, and whatnot, alone". I came home and relayed the info to a friend who confirmed with a "Duh!". Friend after friend said the same thing. They were all wrong. They had to be.
Upon insistence from L, I read Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody. Are any of you familiar with the 5 stages of grief? Stage one is shock and denial. I was shocked that there was something wrong with me! Afterall, I went to the councilor to get a diagnosis for her! Then I quickly accepted and five minutes later, I denied it again. This has happened continuously throughout my 15 month journey. I was even in a state of denial last week. Stage five is acceptance. I would say that I am there...most of the time. Owning up to my shortcomings has been extremely humbly and sometimes even makes me feel a little self righteous, because I can see my addiction in others so quickly.
I started going to Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a twelve step program based on Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I have been slow and thorough going through my steps. Just as I committed to honesty with my councilor, I also committed to honesty within the program. I am not going to push Al-Anon on anyone. It's not perfect, neither is anyone who goes to meetings. We all have short-comings, we all fall back into our holes of self-pity and self-righteousness and we all still enable our fellows to depend on us. The difference is that now, I see my shortcomings, I can crawl out of my hole faster and sometimes even sidestep the hole in the first place and I recognize my enabling and ask for help to contain it. I don't take on the world, only biting off what I can comfortably chew. It feels good to be in those rooms. I can be myself, in all my sadness and joy.
I also attend an AA meeting once a week. Hearing the stories of recovering alcoholics gives me hope. They still struggle. Even though the disease is under control, they still have it. I have seen women I love fall in and out and, humbly, back in to recovery. I have heard the stories of debauchery. I have been to some of the places they describe with my alcoholic. I find hope in that room that recovery, mine and hers, will be in our home someday.
She still actively drinks. I am not ready to give up on her, although I sometimes think life would be easier without her in it. All I can do is continue to get some sort of recovery myself. When I feel the angriest or lowest is when I have to force myself into those rooms. When I am happy and have joy to spread, I need to be in the rooms, because there may be someone who is at their lowest who may see me and feel hope, as has happened to me. I am not cured, not even close. I have not even begun to dig deep, but healing is beginning to happen for me. I feel an ounce of strength and hope today and that is better than yesterday.
