Hi Hazel

So I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Iraq and wondering what really happens to us if you go. Is it really an eventuality? You go and my life here keeps moving on, just with an empty bed and an empty, searching heart. Your life, on the other hand, goes in fast forward. Combat training, more computer training, learning a new culture, meeting new people. You change, you grow. As will I, but in more subtle ways. What if you see things you can’t explain? What if your friends die? What if I am not enough to support you when you get back? What if you don’t come back? Four months is a blink of an eye, when it’s through. It will be an agonizing first month, followed by a time of acceptance, then you are back. But, who is coming back?

My chest feels like it is caving in on itself. My stomach is queasy. My mind is racing a million miles a second. My heart hasn’t beat normally since we talked this afternoon in your car. My soul is searching for reasons why I met you now. Why I love you so. What is my lesson? Is it patience? I can patiently wait for you. Our lives will continue, but together? Hopefully. And stronger.

I know I am crazy to be thinking all of this stuff now; it’s not like you have orders to leave. As much un-planning as I do, there is also a fair amount of anxious future planning. I like to fly by my seat, but this seems different. I could have a girlfriend serving a sentence in Iraq, IN A WAR, for Goddess’ sake. So many things about that one statement are so completely unlike anything I could have ever imagined for myself.

You have come out of nowhere; I was blind-sided one night at the Cash Inn Country. You, in your hat, with your newly exed girlfriend, arriving with a girl I am dating. What are the fucking chances that this would blossom into so much more than a bathroom four way (well threesome for me, hahahahaha!!!)? When did love become so difficult? Who would have thought this STUPID war would effect me so much more than rearranging my schedule to protest it?

I just want you to say Fuck You to THEM. Out yourself, it’s your ticket out; but I know I wouldn’t do it. I would stick it out because I signed up for it, with full knowledge of what the job entailed. I will tell you right now though, I WILL FIGHT and PROTEST ‘TIL THIS WAR IS OVER and no other person has to go through these same emotions.

So when I write you, can I pick a boys name to write to you from, so I can send explicit mail? I could be your back home boi friend. Can I tell you I love you on the phone? How often will we get to hear each other’s voices? Can I keep your cologne with me, so I can smell you when I want? Can we have phone sex? Ok, ok, I already know that answer..but I can still ask, right?

I love you babe. In this short time, I have fallen in love. You are beautiful, amazing, patient, graceless (at least on the trampoline), caring, accepting of my crazy ways, funny and my perfect match. My missing puzzle piece. You will always have a little piece of my heart.

I think I can finally sleep now,

J