Over My Head

Our six month was six days ago. It came and went without recognition. I know I thought about it, I’m sure she did. We had plans to go to a nice dinner. But instead we broke up for good, I think. I feel relief and sadness. Not so much sad for the relationship because what made us strong as a couple is what will keep us strong as friends, but sad that this is another person who couldn’t be my partner. When I look ahead and see my future, aside from the sustainable farm and nifty holistic business, I see living with someone, sharing responsibilities, co-parenting and really talking through decisions. Not just me making them and someone going along out of disinterest. Just by my very nature, she can’t be that person. She is neat and tidy. She never wanted kids. I’m a spontaneous freak, I’m overwhelmed with other shit, my house comes last and I am a mom. Do these things make me the odd one out? Is she out there?

I am attracted to women for so many reasons. Forget the physical for a moment, I know it’s hard, but try. Women are so much more logical and posses the sense of reason. Any woman I would be attracted to, whether friend or more, would be capable, intelligent, able to articulate an abstract thought and have a broad sense of humor. (She’d also have to be able to keep up with me. I’m a fiend! For fun, good music, laughs and great sex.) Anyway, a little off track. I am sure there is someone out there for me who fits my criteria and wants kiddos.

In return, I would be a shitty house-girlfriend, a slut in the bedroom, a true and loyal friend, a great camper, a spontaneous road-tripper, a sappy movie-watcher, a butch handy-woman, and a great mom.

T is so many of these things, not spontaneous and rather annoyed by my spontaneity, as I am to her rigidness. I am so afraid that when it comes down to it, she’s won’t change into the partner I need. Not that she should. She’s beautiful and amazing the way she is, but I think she would be much happier with someone with less baggage. It may not feel like it now, but I think she will be relieved when it finally hits her how much freer she can be without the confines of my motherhood. I want to keep her in my life for a long time to come. I want to see her truly happy, the way she was at the beginning of us.

I hope she wants the same for me. And I hope she can forgive the hurt I am causing her right now. I think what we are doing is the right thing.