The Measure

MsJ asked me why I can’t just be alone. Why do I feel I need a girl in my life? I told her I don’t need anyone. I am perfectly capable on my own; which is true. I can run a household. Hold a job. Go to school. Parent. All of these things single.

But who cares; if I don’t have someone who cares about me, cheering me on. Oh yeah, we can bring my boys into this conversation. They won’t give a shit that I did it on my own for at least another 15 years. Maybe longer. They won’t validate me until I don’t need validation anymore.

I want to be motivated, I want to be loved. I want to share my achievements with someone. I want to share my life. I feel so alone. Nobody cares anymore. I don’t even care anymore. I’m just a robot doing what’s right for them. Watching everyone else in my life find love and validation.

They deserve it, but so do I. Where’s mine? So I sit alone in my room, crying, again. Wishing. Longing. Having a hard time typing because I am exhausted. It’s 10 to 2 in the morning and I am wishing the sun would rise again, so I can be tired in the light of the living. So I can talk to someone.

Any distraction will do. Housework makes being alone easier. Even if I am the only one who appreciates it. Even if I only get a brief moment to talk to someone who has way to many other things to do, like work or kids to care for. Instead of me who is worthless. No job. No self worth. Definitely no worth to anyone else.

I know I am closed off to you MR. On purpose. You don’t want anything to do with this life I have. You are too young to be wasting your time on me. If it’s anything, I am closed off to anyone interested. It’s too much for me to start over and begin to explain why I do the things I do. I just can’t do it right now.

So this is definitely a pity party for one. I’ll get over myself or I’ll be very convincing. Maybe I need to reconsider how I measure my self worth. Maybe I need to find some self worth before I can measure it.

I am going to try to sleep without drugs tonight. I have to go feed the dogs in the morning. I am going to spend the day by the pool and pretend that it’s what I want to be doing. When really all I want is to sleep, be held, be loved and be validated.