why do i let myself fall? she really is great for me. and i am great for her, so wy is she doing this to me? better yet how could i have let this happen. i hate myself right now. i hate that i let her get a little close. i hate that she said things. i hate that i believed her. as short as two days ago she was calling me sweetie. she took it to the next step and i followed suit. i suck. this life sucks. i hate everything today. it’s all shit. my world is crumbling. why did i get to meet her parents? why did she send me all these texts? why did i think that she really liked me? because she said she did. and stupidly believed her. i stupidly thought what she said was true. i stupidly listened to my friends. fuck girls. there’s something wrong with each and every one of us. we all suck and it’s too bad woman are sexy, because if they weren’t i wouldn’t feel so bad about living this life alone. fuck it. what’s 30 more years of doing everything on my own. destiny that i have to be alone. there’s not one woman out there who can be my mate. i hate that i trusted myself. i hate that i let myself be happy. i hate i told her she was beautiful. she is, but i wasted a breath. she’ so special to me. the amazing, perfect woman. one problem, me. oh i got the i’m an asshole, i’m a jerk speech. It’s her not me. like i haven’t heard that before. then the text, “and i hope i haven’t ruined anything cuz i’m a jerk.” what happened to me that i became unloveable? was i ever? will i ever be? i hate this life. i hate that she did this when everything is going all wrong anyway. at least nobody will know what tears are for what.
today is day two of my road trip that i’m not on. the one i should be on but i told T i was seeing someone and got uninvited. please end this all. i just want to sleep forever. i don’t have the strength to continue.
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