I think I finally have to admit to myself that I am depressed. Not Prozac depressed, not even St John’s Wort depressed, but I am definitely not myself lately. I have to get out of this, like now! I really hate the way I feel.
I’m up all night and trying to hold it together for my boys the next day. I sometimes don’t even leave my room all day. Sometimes not even my bed. I disgust myself.
My boys are feeling my funk. Today, for reasons of attention and slight curiosity, I suppose, A2 and K, peed on each other, dumped applesauce on each other, spilled so much water out of the tub it was ridiculous and then preceded to stick their fingers in their buttholes to feel when their next poop would come. Normal kid stuff? The sugar I let them have? I don’t know.
My diet is shit right now too. Went back to having a little dairy in the diet; I was on a whole foods plant based diet for two years before February. I hate the way dairy makes me feel. I also added more and more sugar back and it seems I can’t stop. I did stop for a week, then I fucked it up again. I used to be a stickler for 5 or less ingredients in the processed foods I would buy. Now I buy whatever.
I don’t even want my phone on. I don’t want to hear from anyone. I don’t want to try and pretend I am cheery. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to be alone. (With three midgets, that’s never the case, so why do I even bother wanting, really?) I force myself to be in social situations. The more I don’t want to do something, the harder I push myself to do it.
At least when I am alone in my room, I am productive, or my brain is. I read. I finished four books in the last four days. Two I started before last Friday and two I started and finished in a matter of hours. One was a romance novel. At least it was a lesbian romance by a decent writer. The sex scenes were worth reading two....or more times.
Check this out. I have a decreased sex drive!? I feel nauseated typing those words. The last time I had a low sex drive was when I was pretending to be a happy straight girl. No worries ladies, I am not going back to that. I just know that’s one of my signs that things aren’t good. If I think about sex, my body reacts, but I think I am cured of ensexilitis, that’s for sure.
I keep thinking I am going to have a shitty, lonely future. And I think I am thinking it into happening. Like The Secret says, the powers of attraction are strong. And I am attracting negativity in great amounts.
I just suck. I can’t stand myself. There’s not much else I can/should say.
Except, for some reason I am never out of words and my brain just won’t shut off.
HE told me today, HE is ready for the divorce. HE has all the paperwork on HIS desk. HE has found a lawyer who will help for free and HE is ready to move on. Quite a shock to me. You see, this man, if you will, has never taken initiative to do anything. So either HE grew balls or HIS girl is pushing HIM.
So I started all of this, I know. And I am so much happier finally being out. But I’m not happy now and HE is. HE has the right to be happy; in fact, me finding myself could possibly have been the best thing to happen to HIM since I came into HIS sorry life. (Interject a whiney voice here.) But it’s not fair.
How could I let this funk get so far that I am now a slave to it? How can I see the light? How can I sleep again? If anyone has a suggestion, I would love to hear it. Please.
5 comments:
JC...stay strong! The reality of life has settled in, now you have to get creative. Spending time with you is great, but seek new adventures outside of yourself and your house, find a new JC. I know that its hard, its the worst place to be...facing the world anew each day with little or no expectation that it will be good or bad. Bootstraps girly, pull yourself up by them and trudge (walk with purpose). Don't venture back to how it "used to
be, or how it could have been." You have too much time on your hands, get to work, remember how you felt when you were busy when your life was full of the goings on of the day. Embrace this that you are going through and move beyond it. Accept this phase of your life and move forward...trudge JC trudge. You are a wonderful mom with bright, smart, beautiful children who yern to learn all that you have to teach them, involve yourself in their lives and teach them new things, learn new things with them.
As for Him...fuck Him!!! He should be grateful to you for finding the true you and not draging on years of unhappiness. Fuck Him for not being more involved and supportive, fuck Him!
Most importantly JC, don't let yourself be stuck anymore...this world needs more people like you. Be the leader, mother, writer, student, lover, friend, sister, daughter, dreamer, traveler, camper, and helper of many that I know you can be. Find that which inspires you and go with it. Get involved in your own life. Take care of you first so that you show up for the rest of your life. You showed up for me when very few would, I will always be grateful for you and will remember all the times that you forced me to make a decision. When at my most pathetic of times you verbaly slapped me back to the true reality of my situation, and in different words encouraged me to trudge, and promised me that it would get different, not easier or better, but different. My promise to you JC is that if you take the action required to change your situation it will get different, and perhaps it will get better and even easier...take the action, walk through this, you are bigger than this...stay strong my friend, I love you!
Thanks for the comment. I'm sitting in my car, at the coffee shop, crying. I'm not sure who your are and that's ok. I have verbally slapped so many in the face with reality, but I can't seem to do the same for me. I get frustrated and talk to my head in the mirror, but I don't seem to have the same impact on me. I believe it when I say it to other people, why can't I believe in myself? I'm trying. And I will keep trying until I get it. I'm sure I love you too, more now!! JC
Ditto anonymous. You are much loved, much admired and much cared for. You've helped carry me through so many rough patches - and there are many who have open arms to carry you if you need to rest. I know where you are, have been in those dark and seemingly impossibly heavy and lonely times. Don't run away from it, sit with it, let it be what it is, let yourself feel all those feelings, because when you deny them and push them down they come back stronger than ever. Respect and honour this season of your life as much as you do the bright and shiny happy times - there is much to be learned and much growth to find in the shadows and darkness. This has been a year of tremendous change and growth for you, your sexuality only being a small piece of that. I have seen you step into yourself in profoundly life-altering ways over the course of our friendship, and any period of such intense change is often followed by a period of turning inward, of introspection and reflection and all the discomfort that can come from being so deep inside yourself. A dear friend once posted on my blog that it can be very dark inside the chrysalis - and she is right - but when you are ready to emerge, I have no doubt that you will do so in true, bold, brilliant J.C. style - the way only you could do.....
I evol uoy. I kniht uoy wonk er'uoy gnizama, tub taht nac eb os drah ot ecaf. S'ti doog ot eb enola semitemos, tub t'nod edih rof oot gnol, ll'uoy teg tsol.
Try some eddie izzard?
Post a Comment