You Know You Do

You know that utterly amazing feeling of meeting this great person, having that instant connection? You know you do. Even if you're married, you probably still dream of it. I know I did. I love that feeling. What I don't love is that it goes away. When she goes away. And doesn't call, but every three days, because its not her way. Nevermind your feelings. Nevermind that you even brought it up to her that communication is necessary. That you need it. Then she comes back in town and things are suppose to be perfect again. And they are. Is it because you're putting your feelings aside? Not sure? Neither am I.

Right now and really every time she leaves and there is little communication, I feel a great disconnect. In the beginning she told me that all of her gf's have cheated on her and I couldn't figure out why. Now I know it's because she's a wee selfish. Honey, just cuz you don't feel like communicating, doesn't mean you don't have to.

I think I will know the real extent of this lack on Xmas. I hate Xmas. I don't want to go into the why's now, but I cry alot around this time. If I get a text on Christmas, which is also our 3 month anniversary, I might have to rethink things. Who am I kidding? She'll be back, I'll be closed off for a couple of hours and then BOOM, right back into routine, til she leaves again. (All this is really starting to take a toll on my self-confidence.)

I don't ask for much. The talk doesn't even have to be on the phone. Emails. Pictures. Texts. But not just on her time. But when I need her too. It always something. It's not like I need her all the time. In fact, i go through most of my day not thinking about her much. And even that's scary. Shouldn't I be thinking about her more? The only thing I have been thinking lately is if I am somehow trying to sabotage this relationship.

I have a hard time thinking about a future with her. She wants the big house, brand new even, a strain in the environment. New furniture. A virgin piece of land. I want a one room cabin with an old wood burning stove in the heat the whole place. At least she agreed to look into straw bale building. People, I know it's really early in the relationship to be thinking this way, but I question whether or not to bide my time with her, or cut my losses before the hurt runs deeper.

People change. I certainly am not the same person I was 7 years ago when I was her age. She's really young. She's lived an extremely privileged life. I sometimes think I am a novelty to her. A taste of real life.

Don't get me wrong. She has amazing qualities and we have amazing conversation. Laying with her in bed is perfect. We fit. We have fabulous sex. (I am showing her that penetration is a good thing, just like someone showed me.) She is so soft and 98% percent of the time give super advice. The other two percent was for when she told me spanking was good. Otherwise, the girl keeps me grounded. She puts me in my place when I set adrift. She smells good. She's beautiful. She's such a deep thinker. Wow, sometimes the words that come out of her mouth are intense. We laugh in abundance. We cry together. She is so strong; in character and physical strength. She can calm me without words. She seems to know me. She needs me. She seeks comfort in my arms. She's warn and generous. She is also compassionate.

Maybe her lack of communication is a sign from the universe that when I think I need someone, I really just need me. I must rely on me. Maybe I am making excuses. Xmas is in a day. She gets back in 4 days...with her parents, who she outted me to. She's not even out to them, although from the line of questioning, the are begging her to trust them to love her no matter what. I am not sure how all this will work while they are here. I do know that I have a date with all three of them on New Years at the swanky Mastro's Ocean Club. I will be taking advantage of the all you can drink lemon drop martini's; that's for damn sure!!

I guess I will find the right solution to my dilemma in good time. I just need to be patient and remember that I am not stuck in a dead end future anymore.