Missing Us (Still)

I’m at the first place we met up after our initial meeting. It’s almost the same, except you’re not here. You were though. You were looking to the north, watching for the three. always a constant eye on them, without need for reward. When I would get up to look, you would reassure me that they were safe. You put your arm around me that day, so tentative and gentle, the same as last night. You took my breath away that day and you still do every time I look at you. I knew you would break my heart. The night before, you laid your head on my shoulder, a small, well remembered gesture. In my head, I promised to always be strong for you, as long as you were part of my life.

You met me at work one day, you brought me a book. I wanted so badly to kiss you, but we were in front of my boss’s window. “Thanks for the time in between”, was written in the book you gave me. Time in between what, I asked. In between all your other responsibilities, you said. You noticed. I called in late to work and took you to the airport. We talked, we laughed, we watched each other; was easy conversation. When it was time for you to go, I asked if I could kiss you. You said yes. I did. We worked. When you came home, we made love for the first time. So perfect. Like a puzzle, we fit perfect into each other. I slept. I never sleep the first night with someone. But with you, i did.

As I write this now, I am weeping. I cry because the love is not gone. I cry because I don’t know our future. I cry because you make me happy. I cry because I am angry with myself for crying. I cry because when I say I love you, I really want to say, I’m still so in love with you. But I don’t want to make it worse for you, so I don’t tell you. Last night you held me. I felt it, it was real. When you tell me love me, you mean it. You give me hope and take it away in the same breath. Who you are inside is who I love. I’m not sure that’s a concept you are used to.

Plato spoke of a love that is so deep and spiritual that it transcends previous comprehension of beauty. You make the world more beautiful for me. Now the sun shines warmer on my shoulders, the sky is bluer. I see your smile in every happy face, I hear your laugh in the wind. The very thought of life without you weighs heavy on my chest; it suffocates me. Just when I get strong enough, you hold me and I fall apart again. Am I deceiving myself? I really miss you. My body aches to be near you, it’s a physical pain.

I love you. Some days I wish I didn’t. You have changed me. You broke me, but I will rebuild stronger. You leave in a month for 5 months. Will we survive? Will we fortify our friendship? We each walk alone in two different worlds. We acknowledge that neither would survive in each others realm, but could these two places find a sound meeting ground?