Gay Boys in Short Shorts

I had long ago given up on my dream of finding my soul mate. I mean we all rationalize from time to time that there is no such person. Then we get stars in our eyes when a potential person comes along. Soul mate could be defines two ways I suppose. One, the person you are destined to be with or ,two, your ideal mate. The first means there is only one for you, the second that there are many, but maybe after you find the first one you just stop looking. I am pretty sure I can stop looking now. The best part is that she has been around for a while.

I had a small emotional breakdown over the electric bill two weeks ago. Ok, maybe not so small. I am pretty stressed about the bills and what-not. Shit was in jeopardy of getting shut off every month. Gets old all this struggling, but never fear, I sold the meager 401k I held and will survive for the summer!! Woohoo! Back to the slightly underexaggerated emo breakdown, I wanted to throw something, namely the pile of mail and bills that keep stacking up and she let me but then she held me while I cried. She assured me that she would be there for me. The thing she didn't do was tell me what everybody else has, "It's gonna be ok." I really hate that. It's like the lame excuse for life. Shit sucks, but it's gonna be okay. As if by some miracle, all the troubles will disappear. HE told me that the whole time we were married and nothing went away and nothing was ok. She just held me, she let me cry, she let me throw the mail and without a word, helped me clean it up.

I broke down that day. I don't usually do that. Especially not in front of ANYONE. I felt safe and supported for once in this last 12 years. I felt like I could be crazy for a minute and there would be no judgement. She has had her moments too and I can honestly say that I think nothing different of her. Well, maybe I think she is just that much more amazing and strong.

I have these fantastic dreams of my house becoming the home I have always dreamed about and I feel like those dreams will soon be my reality. The sky in the living room, the raised bed gardens, the composting fence, the living picket fence, the green roof, the chicken coop and the sheep or goat lawn manicurist. She doesn't think I am nuts or overboard, She knows, like I do that all of this can be accomplished by just us. And like me she envisions little cost because we will salvage most of our material.

I feel like my place in this world is saved. I am not lost anymore. I am not scared anymore. I feel like I can finally breathe and that everything will be ok.