Saturday, December 26, 2009
I Just Can't Seem to Shake This
I am trying not to still hate Christmas. I think for the first time in a long time, the kids had the full magic of Christmas morning. I didn't though. They let us sleep in until 7. Exactly. Then when they came to wake us up, TK got mad. I had to whisper in her ear that it was her idea to get up then and that it was Christmas. So she was grumpy from the moment we woke up. I was trying to keep a light tone, but she kept bringing it down. Was a super hard day for me. Normally, I would have been sad to let the kids go with him, but yesterday it was a relief. I will be happy when all this shit has passed. I made a wagon wheel coffee cake, a tradition for my family, another thing I haven't done in several years and I made breakfast. Was OK, but there is this heaviness that is hanging over the house. Something uncommunicated. Something so sad. I hate it and I hate Christmas. I guess I was really hoping she would be my Christmas star, some light on this shitty time of year, but she was darker than me. I just want to be normal. I don't want to think about what I am eating, how many resources I am consuming, my kids exposure to brain numbing media. I just want to be the same as everyone else, just for a bit. Then my family would like me. Then I would not be so alone in a world that thinks all I ever do is preach. I want to wake and and be back in classes and worry about that stuff so I don't have to deal with this stuff. I hate Christmas. PS Jesus wasn't even born this day, so all those stupid cards are just an ad ploy.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry sweetie - call if you need to talk. I'm here and ready to listen ;)
Hello there. I found your blog on a link from another blog (can't remember which...)Normally I don't comment on random blogs I find, but your writing really resonated with me. I feel exactly the same about Christmas (and all of the other commercialized holidays...). I read some more of your entries, and found myself agreeing and empathizing with a lot of what you wrote about, especially kids and nature deficiency, gardening, and just a general view of awareness of consumption. Anyway, just wanted to say keep up the good work, and you're not alone in how you see the world. :)
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