What I am Supposed to be

I am supposed to be cleaning the house and the yard. I am supposed to be organizing the biggest school fundraiser. I am supposed to be going outside and hanging with my 4 yaer old cuz that's why I wanted to stay at home, right? I should be planting those beautiful flowers D gave me. I should be getting the breaks fixed or the oil changed. I should be loving my husband and being faithful. I should be honest... or maybe not. I should be happy for those more fortunate than me. Should I keep in touch with old friends or feel guilty I don't? I shouldn't be thinking about His arms, or hIs dick or hiM and I taking slumber together. I definately shouldn't be blogging all of this. As obscure as it is, someone will know. HIM. He who now checks up on me, texts me stupid things to see if I respond. He who will probably check my favorites when he gets suspicious enough. How do I hide my blog? Cuz I sure as hell can't remember how to find it without my own link. And what if plain sight is the best place to hide it? Why am I hiding anyway? He knows I am done. He knows all of my feeling toward HIM. I keep thinking of "The Hundred Secret Senses". Will I repeat this life again? Am I destined to know the same souls every life time until I get it right? If so, unless something drastically changes, I will do this again soon. But when I do it again, will he be my man or is he not my soul mate and I am just killing time with him this lifetime. According to R Steiner, my children's souls chose us to be there parents long ago when we were all still in "heaven". That would indicate that we are soul mates, but how could my soul mate be so different from me? We like nothing the same and we do nothing the same. I am so tired of thinking and re-thinking. I think when I was a teenager, I had a mis-carriage with hIs baby. With R.S. in mind, how does this relate? Why did the soul of that child come and go? Sometimes I think it was the soul of number 1 and that's why I had him so young, because he wasn't born the first time. But that doesn't make sense either because if the soul of the child chooses it's parent souls, then how could it choose one father then decide to be born to another? Maybe there was supposed to be another soul in my life and now it just haunts me like something I was supposed to do.