Am I manic?

Last night should be a good indicator. No I'm not. I just am getting really short tempered with HIM. I want HIM away for a while. I don't want to see HIM every day. Today everything was all good again. Like HE didn't say *FUCK YOU* to me four times last night. Last night I learned I can talk myself in or out of anything. I was about to become trailer trash. Nothing wrong with living in a trailer, except where the trailer park is... kinda scary. What's the plan, my plan? Do I have a plan? Can I plan not to plan? Does everything need a plan of action? Can't some things just be? FUCK!!!! I am in a holding pattern. Neither doing nor not doing. Just here. Every day is new. Everyday is also routine, rhythmic. I'm good with that. Does that mean I am complacent? Complacentsy indicats satisfaction. Satisfied- to fulfill one's desires, expectations, needs or demands. My desires and needs have been put on hold. (My choice, I know it.) Therefore, I am not compalcent. Neither content. Why am I trying so damn hard to lable myself when I hate that I am being labled by others right now? Is it okay to be selfish (a description, not a lable) when so many little people need me? Am I fucking them up? Is it neglect or me letting them be themselves? I am a pretty laid back mama. I am really even keeled most of the time. Big A asked last night of I loved him. Is that him needing reassurance right then or is he really qustioning that? I have a lot of questions and so few answers. I realized about two months ago that a coversation always starts with a question. How are you? What are you doing, reading, selling? There may be the obligatory *hi*, but the exchange couldn't go far with out a question. I am so tired of answering questions. I am going to hide in my room now. Away from all the questions disguised as concern. I'm fine. I have to be. Why waste the energy on anger or grief? So in two years, we will revisit the question of whether or not I am manic. Maybe I will have a big emo blow up. Let it all go in one 6 month rage. Who knows?