I am in HELL

Saturday, no one home. I have no gas in my car. No biggie, right? I'm a big girl, grown up, I can get gas for my car, except I can't. I have 35 dollars in my account. What to do, what to do? I have no food in the house, I need gas for the car, and HE has the money. Probably not much left though, being as he had to get his paycheck early so we could pay mortgage. So money is just a small fraction of this hell that is my life. I will make money without having to work, even if one of my best friends did take my business from me. I was too lazy to make anything of it, so she did. I just want to sleep forever. Not deal anymore. No more. The house is a FUCKING pig sty. I can't control those boys and what's more is that I don't want to. I don't want to be their mom anymore. They yell at me, hit me, tell me they hate me, I let them, I deserve it, right? I allowed myself to be careless and selfish and I need to take it. I don't take that shit from anyone. Except 3 assholes under 10. I want to be gone. I hate this house and all the dreams I thought would be connected to it. I hate everything. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate myself. I hate that I am not a good mom or house keeper. I hate that I don't want to be good at either of those. I hate that I don't have a talent. I hate that I admire so many and I can't even look at myself. I hate that everyone I meet is better than me. I hate that I don't want to be better. I want to be curled up somewhere far away, no people around me. I'll go out tonight. I will smile and make people laugh. I will be charming and fun and happy, but I am dying inside. I could snap at any moment. Thank god for vodka. Although I am almost out of that too and I know I need gas and food first. I have to start on cleaning the house AGAIN. The little assholes aren't home to wreck it for another 5 hours, then the process begins again. I hate this life, this hell. The only thing missing is brimstone.