I'm so fucked up

I can't be alone with myself. I am so antsy. My legs shake, or I shake them. My thoughts are a blur. One moment one thought, the next something unrelated. What is it I am missing? I can be calm when others are arounf. I am focused and chilled. Right now, I feel like I might go crazy with unrouted energy. THen there is the problem with motivation. So much shit needs to happen right now. Like I am thinking that the house needs to be super clean and sold. Yup, sold. How can I get a clean divorce and still own this house with him. D I V O R C E. Am I fucking myself in the long run? Will I realize somehow that I need him? I guess if I didn't realize it before, I won't ever. Am I fucking the kids? They are angry. A1 shows it very much, A2 hides it til he needs to explode about something small like losing a shoe. K, he's ok, I think. I am so into myself these days that I don't even know my midgets. Worse than that, it feels like it's out of my control. I have a NEED to get away and so I am drinking more than I ever have in my entire life, smoking alot. Going so far as buying my own stuff, I shouldn't have bought it. I regretted the money exchange immediatly, but I want the escape. I wonder if hard core drug users start at this stage of knowing it's not right and letting themselves do it anyway. Probably. We are all concious beings. I am well aware of the path I am going down. Not only is it bad for my body, but my brain isn't as sharp as it used to be either. I will finish this bag and be done for good. Fuck I can say no to all sorts of things, even bud, right? I am not saying I am addicted or can't say no, I just want to feel calm and insane for a few minutes. I work so hard to put only good things into my body, you know, you are what you eat, but are you what you drink and smoke?