Are We There Yet?

More precisely, am I there yet? No. I can't even see the end. Will I ever love myself enough to allow anyone else to love me? Am I just waiting out this life alone until I die? I hate this life. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to be, how to be. I think of me in so many different scenarios, but none fit. I want so badly to find my place in this world. I want to be important, a contributor. As it is I am a big lump. I am a nobody. I don't have a job, much less a career path. I don't have anyone to share my deepest thoughts and dorkiness with. I want to be held and I want to want to hold that person back. I want to die. (No suicide watch please, not gonna do anything to myself.) I just can't continue like this. LOST. I turn one way and I get trapped in a spider web. I get out of that sticky situation only to find myself knee deep in quicksand, sinking sinking sinking. Someone may cross my path, pull me out and lead me to a sunny pasture, but it always rains. Each triumph is followed by a tragedy. How can I look back and wish I didn't take a certain path when I could never possibly know where a different path may have led me? It could be worse. Or maybe better. There are so many things in this life I am grateful for not knowing first hand. For the most part, my friends are also life's refugees. Setting up camp in the darkest part of the forest, wondering why they can't see ahead. Sometimes they are looking backwards, trying to get out the way they came in. Some are just giving up and dying. Some are hoping that the dark is light, so much that they believe they are ok. Some are just running in circles, hiding behind trees or setting camp up in a different place every night. Some don't even need camp because they can't sleep, can't sit still. I wander between all these people and wonder where I fit in. We all see that pasture sometimes, but we rarely see each other in the light at the same time. We rejoice when someone makes it out, but cheer more loudly when they are back in with us. Safety in numbers. The crazy's stick together. I am in the middle, I am at the bottom, I HOPE. Now how do get to happiness? How do I get There?