Making Decisions

So many things to decide. HE wants to move back in. I will have to leave if he does. I have lined up a place to live and the people are really great. I would have to leave my kids at home. I would drive home everyday to be with them, then leave at night. I would have to work almost every night. I have so much coming out right now I can't even type. Today is a good day. I am really weepy, but I am alone and have few plans. I'm going to see a sad movie later. I am going alone. I need to be alone, I guess. Really tho, what are my need vs my wants? I have so many plans this week. And none of them really have anything to do with what needs to be done. Alot of drinking involved. I am working my lame 4 hours tonight. There's always happy hour at Applebees after in case I need to get my drink on. My great Uncle Bud died on Saturday night. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I did have a dream a month ago that he would die, so I actually made peace then. The day of the dream, my mom called and told me that he was very sick and I already knew. So he's dead and I HAVE to go to the funeral. If I don't, and it should be my choice, but it's not, I will be even more shunned from the family. It will be very umcomfortable. I hate funerals. Let it be known that I do not want a funeral. I want all of my friends and family to take road trips to my favorite places and dump my ashes. No memorial service, NO fucking funeral or burial. Say goodbye in your own way, not some psuedo-traditional way. Anyway, I have to go to Tucson for this shit. Be supportive to a family who does not support me. Last week my sis K went to a party at my Aunt B's and they all asked her about me. Not one of those mother fuckers has bothered to pick up the phone and ask me. Fuck them. Then I am the asshole when I say that to them. So keep my mouth shut, or confront. Just another decision. So I keep thinking me living on my own will be good for me. But what about the kids? They are on a roadtrip right now with the inlaws. I don't really miss them. I am having fun. I know tho that it will get old after a while, right? I am afraid it won't. That I will be one of those mom's who doesn't live with her kids because she doesn't want to. I love my boys. I can't even deal with my thoughts for a blog. That's sad. I also need to get a better job, or promote, but I don't want to work at Target much longer. I should go back to school to make something of myself. But who's to say I haven't. I'm getting hot. This is getting stupid. Once again, I don't want to deal, so I am taking a shower and pretending like my life is great.