She didn't really mean it, but she may have a point

The kids are home. They don't miss a beat. It's been loud, messy, stressful and, admittedly, funny at times. The three nights before they got home, I partied like a rock star. Drink, drank DRUNK. I was sober Friday night...until we got back to E's. Our annual Bunco for Boobs and Silent Auction was held on Friday. It was nothing like last year. This year barely anyone showed or spent. It was very disappointing. E was a little down after the auction, so I did what any friend would do, I took her dancing!! We had a really good time, I was even sober. On the way home we listened to sad music and talked and listened. When we got back to her house, she said something so sad. She said she would rather have never known true happiness and lived her life naive, than to feel the pain after the happy. The next morning, I asked her if she meant it, she said no, but I know part of me wishes it everyday. Why does there always have to be an opposite? Does anybody know happiness without pain? Does anybody know neither?

The rest of the weekend was fun. With a few exceptions. My Aunt B called and ripped me a new one. Various reasons, none of which I argued, but I had valid arguments. She will think what she wants and I give up caring. I am done with my mom's side of the family. In fact, I may be done with my mom. Hate is a strong word, so I choose the next word down from that. I knew there was a huge reason I choose amazing people as friends. They are my family, not those I was born into.

Went dancing Saturday night again. I got to drink this time. E blamed me for some of her pain. I feel like an asshole. What I said was true and from the heart, but some part of me thinks that she thinks I am trying to sabotage her. I know you read this, so let it be known that I am definitely not.

Hung with the kids on Sunday. That night I called HIM over to watch the kids while I grocery shopped. I got home and HE stayed... I am sick thinking about it. HE's moved HIMself back in. I am not sure if I move out what rights I am giving up. I had an anxiety attack yesterday. I feel like a crazy person. Not breathing, crying, sobbing, frantically filling in holes in the backyard, doing laundry, moving HIS shit out of my room. I don't know if I can handle all of this. I think I may have to be committed soon. I am really alone in this. There are wonderful people around me, but nobody can do what I need to do. My world is in chaos and I can't get it orderly.

Where would I be now, if I had not allowed myself that brief and lustful happiness ten years ago?