Setting Boundaries

What will this cost me? Could be everything, I suppose. I could lose my friendship, the closeness we have. I have to do something. I am a really touchy feely person and to lose touch will be devistating to me. I have lived so many years without intimacy, without feeling like I was wanted as a person, not a body. I lived without wanting to be with the person I was with, without wanting to touch or be touched. Now I yearn for it. Now I look for it everywhere. Now she says she wants to be my uncomplicated friend. My friend who is my rock. Until all my complex relationships are solved. Complex? Solved? What does this all mean? She's right. But I had to figure out on my own what I think she was saying. Thank goddess for D because it would have taken my dense head forever to figure this one out. I have no boundaries. My need for physicality and sexuality may have cost me something good. And to put a stop to what little intimacy I have may gain me nothing from her, but in the long run will I find what I am looking for? This half relationship I have with her is intense. It borders on abusive, more than I like to admit. Can we redefine our friendship without destroying it? Without destroying eachother? KTJ doesn't want to get hurt. I know in my heart what my relationships are and but I don't know the order of priority... I know that I should come first no matter what, but I don't know how to do that without someone else getting hurt. I am going to have to be alone for a bit. But where, how? I am also going to really have to open my heart up to several people, at my own risk, knowing full well that it will hurt so bad. Am I strong enough? Do I really have it in me? So many complicated issues. How did I let myself get here? How will I get out? It used to be easy, my thoughts were to clean my house, clear my mind. But, it's really not like that, is it? My mind can't be cleared. My heart is a mess and I don't know how to fix it. When did I become....me? How can I change me? How can I let go of the past and forge to the future? I'm pullin away from it all so that I can gather my thoughts. I will talk to you each individually. I am afraid. Terrified of the outcome. Of my future. Of not ever being wholly loved. By myself.