Today

Ok. Do you ever have one of those days where the world is right? The future doesn't seem like a mystery? I guess the cliche' would be a moment of clarity. It happens to me every once in while and today is one of those days. Beauty is all around me. It's the weather I know. In winter, I curl up under a blanket all day, super melancholy. I hate to be cold. I need the sunshine.

Sleeping Naked and Other Fabulous Fantasies

I haven't slept naked in such a long time. If I do, I am inviting HIM to touch me. It makes my stomach turn to think about it. Like last night, I showed HIM some pics on my phone that were a little sexy....to HIM that means, Fuck Yeah, I'm gonna get some. Is it all men who think sex is intimacy? They are wrong. Intimacy is so different. I need intimacy. I WANT to be fucked!!!!!! I want to sleep naked and wake up in the middle of the night and make love, roll over in his arms and sleep some more, then do it again in the morning. Morning breath wouldn't matter because this is a fantasy and things like that don't happen in fantasies. Why can't he let me go and move on? Why can't I figure out why in the world he still "loves" me? What does love mean? Is it just comfort? Or is it pure happiness every time he walks into the room? I want to want my man. I want to jump him every time I see him. Kiss him and nap with him. Hear the sharp, startled intake of breath when he wakes from the nap, looks around and realizes that he just napped. Heartbeat, gentle breathing, warm body, arms strong enough to push all the bad away. (I'm still fantasizing here, definitely not reality...) And since this is fantasy, he could make me cum with his dick, not his tongue. Don't get me wrong, oral is good, but it just can't sustain a girl forever. If I was on my own, could I be alone? Or am I one of those girls who needs a man all the time? I am certainly very independent, but I want to be vulnerable too. I want to have a MAN around who lets me be scared, lonely, and unhappy every once in a while. He also lets me do the heavy lifting sometimes, but not ALL the time. Back to the sex, I love a man who will interlace his fingers with mine and hold my hands while we make love. I love the weight of a man, not the overweight though. I love to be desired. So how long to wait to see if things get better? Forever? Will it help if I don't daydream about all the other men in my life? How long 'til I can sleep naked again?

What I am Supposed to be

I am supposed to be cleaning the house and the yard. I am supposed to be organizing the biggest school fundraiser. I am supposed to be going outside and hanging with my 4 yaer old cuz that's why I wanted to stay at home, right? I should be planting those beautiful flowers D gave me. I should be getting the breaks fixed or the oil changed. I should be loving my husband and being faithful. I should be honest... or maybe not. I should be happy for those more fortunate than me. Should I keep in touch with old friends or feel guilty I don't? I shouldn't be thinking about His arms, or hIs dick or hiM and I taking slumber together. I definately shouldn't be blogging all of this. As obscure as it is, someone will know. HIM. He who now checks up on me, texts me stupid things to see if I respond. He who will probably check my favorites when he gets suspicious enough. How do I hide my blog? Cuz I sure as hell can't remember how to find it without my own link. And what if plain sight is the best place to hide it? Why am I hiding anyway? He knows I am done. He knows all of my feeling toward HIM. I keep thinking of "The Hundred Secret Senses". Will I repeat this life again? Am I destined to know the same souls every life time until I get it right? If so, unless something drastically changes, I will do this again soon. But when I do it again, will he be my man or is he not my soul mate and I am just killing time with him this lifetime. According to R Steiner, my children's souls chose us to be there parents long ago when we were all still in "heaven". That would indicate that we are soul mates, but how could my soul mate be so different from me? We like nothing the same and we do nothing the same. I am so tired of thinking and re-thinking. I think when I was a teenager, I had a mis-carriage with hIs baby. With R.S. in mind, how does this relate? Why did the soul of that child come and go? Sometimes I think it was the soul of number 1 and that's why I had him so young, because he wasn't born the first time. But that doesn't make sense either because if the soul of the child chooses it's parent souls, then how could it choose one father then decide to be born to another? Maybe there was supposed to be another soul in my life and now it just haunts me like something I was supposed to do.