Too Sad To Write

So I haven’t written in a while because, as the title suggests, I have been a little too sad to write. I have a lot going on and I wonder daily, minutely, really, if I will make it on my own. Independence was one thing when I was alone, but kids and a mortgage really complicate things. I am sure that the choices I have made in the last two years have been the right ones, but I wish I would have known how hard it would be to execute once I got to this point. Then again, maybe if I did know, I would have chosen differently.

T’s gone. She left last Wednesday. She left me months ago though. As her deployment date came nearer, she pushed me further away. These last two months have included some of the most painful days in my life. I cry everyday for a week then I can’t squeeze out a tear for another week. I am less upset about her pushing me away as a lover, than as one of her closest friends.

Worse than being pushed away was being replaced. At least she replaced me with really great grrls. I have been put on hold for them, told I was going to get a call back because one or the other was calling, had plans changed because of them. I bear them no ill will. I get why she wants them in her life. What I don’t understand it why I can’t also be there.

I am not asking to be a lover. Although, sometimes I think I would give almost anything to be in her arms again. Safe, like it was in the beginning; before Easter weekend. I could probably go on and on for paragraphs about the warmth and the comfort, but we all know that feeling; even if we don’t have it now, we have. I just want her, the old her, to acknowledge me again.

I don’t think she has any clue how bad she is hurting me, or rather I am letting myself be hurt by her. Right before she left, she sent me a text and told me that she loves me very much. It also said that she knew things would get better for the both of us. What does it mean? When she is so mean to me, I think I am done with her, then I get a text like that one.

I know I am supposed to grow as a person during this time. I know I have been given this separation, by the universe, to clear my head of old ideas about needing someone in my life to make it stable. Other relationships are being threatened by the universe right now as well. MsJ, who I have been spending a considerable amount of time with, is entertaining a crush. Nothing has happened and I very much like the girl she’s crushing on, I am just scared I will be left alone. It’s stupid, I know. People move on, but I seem to be stuck in some kind of emo hell.

School started. As expected, I love it. I love the rhythm of my schedule. I have at least one class every weekday. My biggest challenges will be accepting the people in my math class and ignoring them and my English class in general. My English teacher already said to me in front of the class, “No offense, but this class isn’t like blogging at all; you have to write complete sentences.” Wow. I stayed after class to clear that up.

I will push through. I can do it. Even if I do cry every day. I barely talk to J anymore. She has her job, the kids and JsM and I have my job, the kids and school. I also have some new business of getting parts of the house rebuilt after a massive storm a few weeks ago. That relationship is in peril. I am slightly hurt that she spends all her free time with JsM. Another lesbian falls into the domestic trap. She says she needed to pull away from being social, but even phone calls are difficult because of one or another thing to do with JsM. There’s no autonomy, at least that I can see.

Writing this, I can see something very clearly. I seem to be either a jealous person or a possessive one. Either way, my friends, I have a problem on my hands. I love these light bulb moments and I hate them.