I have felt very lost and unsure as of late. I can remember when the feelings started stirring and what brought them about. It's her. It's my financial inferiority to her. I decided early on that it would start to weigh on her that I was poor. And I am. You would never know by certain things, but if you look at my bank account, I'm poor. In fact below poverty level would best describe me. The difference has never bothered her. It bothers me though.
She never flaunts her status. I never look out of place when we go out. There's just my feeling of not belonging in her world. I even think that as a person, I am good enough for her. I also think that I am projecting all of these feelings on her and in my own sadistic way, I am pushing her away.
Onto the above titled question. I feel like I have lost myself in trying to be someone better for her. Like I am buying clothes like crazy and eating foods I don't normally eat. Just to make myself feel like I fit with her. In the beginning, before I decided in my head that she would get tired of my financial situation, I was happy. I think she was happier too. (Her happiness, though, wanes and waxes as it is, so who knows why.)
The food I consume must be wrangled under control. I was dabbling in the dairy a little before her, but I was still really careful about how much I ate. Now, it seems that it's a free for all. The clothes are breaking my already broken bank. Then again, I love looking good. I love the way it feels when people pay attention to me cuz I look good. I really don't give two shits about most people I meet because I meet so many and I am picky about my friendships; so why all the sudden do I care what they think about my clothes?
This whole outward appearance thing has been evolving for the last two years though. Since I became single and came out. I have wanted to look good, but my own style. Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking at the latest Cosmo for my New Years outfit or anything. I'm not that into it for God's sake. Just care about myself a little more now.
I also want to make very clear that she is NOT the reason for my self-conciseness. I am. These are all thoughts in my head. She has never asked me to be anyone but myself. So is this just a new extension of me? An evolution? Or am lost in some stupid notion of having to be someone I am not for a girl? Comments are welcome, as always. And please be honest.
1 comment:
I think there is certainly an impetus that is connected with the other person, when you find yourself doing things only when they come on the scene.
However, saying this, evolution can be good - and bad. Good in that it can give you that hunger again...not to be content in your status, not to just lay down and accept it, and to strive for more.
Bad in that it can break you and remold you into something that you are not. Something created from a sense of inadequacy that may or may not intentionally come from her...but may be coming from you when you are with her. Those are things only you can answer and account for.
Best of luck as you find yourself, and navigate your relationship.
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