Titleless

It's not often that I write so honestly and expose more than just surface emotion, THEN POST, but I am going to try to hit the post button when I am done. It may only be up for a second, before I freak and take it down.

I am not sure about this girl I am dating. I am sure that I love her, don't get me wrong. The thing is, is that sometimes I feel like I am just biding my time with her. I feel like we really don't have much of a future. I hear you all saying, "Nobody knows what the future hold." True, my lovies, nobody, not even me, knows what the future has in store for any of us. Who knew I would be here right now?

I know that we are so different and yet when we are together, those differences disappear. She melts into me and I into her, yet we can be so separate and still comfortable. (I have to admit that I am still holding back a lot of emotion and fear, because I am not writing this on Word first. Possibly, though, if I was writing in word I would never even have the chance to post. I am trying though.)

Alright, sometimes I feel really self aware around her. I can read her so easily most of the time and I can sense when she's questioning being with me. It makes me wiggle in my seat just a little. I try to act normal, but I think that just exaserbates the situation. I feel like she questions her choice of a girlfriend that is poor and less, shall we say sophisticated, than her. Then I remember that she loves me and I haven't, until Thursday night, questioned that. (Thursday, she finally called me and pretty much told me she was singlehandedly deciding the future of our relationship. At that point I questioned how strong the love and respect was.)

Just when I start feeling so insecure, she pops off with an amazing text or a gift or a fantasic date or, the best, words whispered in my ear.

She and I have different goals, values, ages. She has a lot still left to learn about how life really is. She has been handed every opportunity, I work for my mine. I don't begrudge her that. In fact, I think it would be harder to fall flat on my face from such a height, then to start out on my ass. Her world is crashing around her; it is a fragile world she lives in. I want to be there for that crash. I want to help her wash her bloody nose and get back on her feet. I know she will withdraw, this has become very evident.

Three times now she has pulled away. Once when she questioned being a mom to my kids, which I never asked her to do. Once when she got very depressed and ran back home to her uber controlling dad. (nothing to do with me.) And this last fight we had. In some ways I am very jealous that she can run because I can never get too far without one of three or all three getting hungry, needing to pee or not wanting to leave in the first place. I envy her freedom, or do I? Perhaps if I had her freedom to withdraw, I would never resurface. She is strong enough to resurface. A quality I admire in her as well as wish she didn't have to use.

She's so used to hiding from and simultaniously dealing with the pain, she sees no other way. And antidepressants help too. I refuse to deal with my pain using a daily dose. (Drunk cupcake baking doesn't count since I haven't drank since.) Her way of dealing frightens me because I can't be around all the time to not let her pull away. I wish I could stand between her and herself, but I also don't want to be her saviour all the time. Part of me hopes thats she will see that talking about certain things and throwing caution and trust to the wind may not be as hazardous as they sound. I want to be her rock.

I am also very aware that we are still in the getting to know you stage. We have been together since the moment I met her three and a half months ago. Yet, she has been out of town for about forty of those days, with minimal contact. When she gets back in town there are hours used up getting back into the comfort zone. (I like my freedom when she is gone, I want a little more communication, but otherwise...) Being still in this getting to know you phase of our relationship, neither of us fully trust the other. I still tell her only surface hurts, I know that's all she shares with me, as evidence of something she said Thursday night. She said I just should have known how sad she was. (Not a fair assumption, I know. I told her so.) Hopefully, one day, I will know how sad she is by her mannerisms alone. Hopefully.

We have so much to learn from each other yet. We still haven't seen each other since the fight on Tuesday. It's Saturday. She texted last night and asked if we could start over. I said yes. Of course I said yes. I am not ready to end this thing yet. I am so curious of why we are together, what this crazy universe has in mind, that I don't want to let her go...just yet, if not ever, but like I said before, I have no idea where this life will lead us.

I like to think I am very present with her. For the most part, I am. Only when I start to feel a little off balance, do I think into the future and the lives we both envision. Her big house with windows facing a lake holding our motorboat. My one room cabin in the woods, wood-burning stove to heat the place, drinking from the stream down the path. Her incredibly fast, fancy Audi; my worn leather feet. Yet there is a middle ground that I have often thought of. She wants a place by the lake. We can build with straw bails. My practice could be an out building. Then the questions start forming. Will she grow out of the allure of money equals comfort and happiness? Will I come to realize that a comfortable lifestyle is something I like? Will she start thinking for herself instead of relying on "what's always been done" in her family? (ie The women don't work.) Can we learn to communicate more effectively? Is she the one who I will learn the most from? How will I evolve?

I am working on my patience, I really am, but it's hard not to want to know all the answers now. Especially when I want to know in the name (excuse) of saving further hurt. I really tried to be super honest and open in this post. I think I was, but I also know there is still so much I deleted that I will have to write in Word and not post.