realization and gratitude

last year, this time, she was almost gone. i had to plead with her to come home for her birthday. she tried to get out of the small celebration to go drink. i told her to go. i wasn't going to beg her anymore. i was ready to let her go. last year, this time, 18 beers in three hours was a good day, 18+ beers and a bottle of jack daniel's was a bad day. last year, this time, she would call me and tell me what a miserable person she was. that i didn't deserve her. that she would never be good enough for me. i was beginning to believe her. i was ready to say goodbye for good. it felt like giving up. what a failure and yet how strong i was. i did it. i told her goodbye. i told her no more. i gave up my soul mate because i no longer recognized her soul. i gave up the strength, peace, safety and happiness i once knew in her arms. i did it for me.  i did it for the boys. i did it for her.

that wasn't what she wanted. in december, the bottle stopped touching her lips. the cans stayed at the liquor store. the stores were dumped. she wanted me. us. as much as she wants the alcohol. eight months later it still whispers, calls, screams, begs, pleads, for her to just try one more time. it won't hold her so tight this time. it will let her have the life she wants at the same time as she has it. it will make her stronger, smarter. it lies. she knows it. she knows the untruths it spouts to get its way.

this year, 2012, we have had rough patches. we have had moments of doubt. but i realized that last year she was all but lost to me. to us. this year, 2012, she has accepted that it doesn't want what's best for her. i have accepted that i don't know what's best for her. this year, so far, our biggest blips were her falling off a few times. her getting help with the underlying. me realizing the helpless to help her isn't totally helpless. the kids understanding why. our dreams are coming true slower than anyone would want dreams to come true, but they are. i can hold onto that for today. i got to hold onto her last night. and for the two nights before. this is what i realized. this is what i have today.