Is it Friday yet?

3 weeks together everyday and some nights. Did it. My expectations were higher for myself. I was nervous, SHE kept it light. Sleeping at my house isn't good. We wake alot. Can't get comfy. If it ends, HE will be so happy and all knowing. I hate HIM worse for that. Then what? Another girl? A boy? HIM? I am neglecting my family, but HE is over here every*fucking*day. Nights, mornings, weekends. I have to spend mucho time away from home. Time away from the kids. HE and SHE fight, but not with eachother, only through me. I don't think SHE can handle the whole family thing. I don't blame HER. I don't like them either right now. No*no*no yells all the time, then there is old ichy tooth and I can't forget about sweaty eyes. Then there's K. She needs me to be her ear, but I don't have an ear in her. I am in love, but so conflicted. (If you read this, I don't take love lightly, but don't be afraid, I am not obsessive, nor do I have expectations of you.) There is so much pressure. Pressure to fit a label, to learn a whole new way, to be the old me. Me is re-invented everyday. I don't have to make a choice today, right now. I want to have it all my way, GOD DAMMIT!! This life is mine. I have choosen each path I have taken so far and I am very aware of where I am now, but I am at a fork and I can't turn around once I make the choice, therefore I must ponder. Am I using or being used? Is it even a question of that. SHE asked me yesterday if SHE was just a distraction. Yeah maybe not, I have been able to see things in a new light. SHE lets me feel genuinly happy. We have so much and so little common ground. Our twentys were night and day. My demons were domestic, HERS imported. I knew what I was doing that day at the park. I welcomed you in the woods. I enjoy every minute we are together. I honestly don't know what to do with you, what to say to you, how to make you feel good. SHE is everything I wanted, but nothing I expected. Kind, patient, beautiful, fun, funny, loving, affectionate, so imperfectly perfect, strong, brave, proud, HER smile is amazing...Did she test me the other day with the picture? See my reaction? I am really willing to do alot for HER. But I don't know if the willingness is mutual. Is it? SHE is leaving anyway. Once she is gone, I am afraid I will lose HER forever. Her old ways will catch up and it's not that I don't have faith in HER. What a terrible curse. But is it more of a burden than mine? We are in two sepeate ball parks but playing the same game. Getting dumb now, gotta go to bed. Finish watching LW, season 1, waiting for Friday.