Broken Eggs

E and I had a long talk last night which left me feeling sick to my stomach and even more hopeless. Not her fault. Everything she said was right. I do need to make the changes necessary to be happy again. I do need to make myself do it because I am so unmotivated that I will just get more depressed if I don't do something now. I also realized, after crying all morning, that I ALWAYS put all my eggs in one basket. And I ALWAYS drop my basket and my dreams break and ooze all over the place. My soul exposed...again. And even though I know this, I feel like I can't stop it. I took off my wedding ring last night and put it away. A sad step to move forward. There is nothing attached to it, but I really don't want HIM to hurt anymore. Or is it that I don't want to see HIM being mopey anymore. Do I have guilt? Impossible, I don't harbor such emotions. Well maybe I do...how's your stomach, E? Ha. Moving on, like let's say to someone foreseeing me with a man taking care of me... I just don't see that and here comes that nauseating pull on my insides. I have never and will never need a man to take care of me. I am guessing, however, that because we were stoned at time of conversation, that this person meant, perhaps, someone who will let me be vulnerable. The crushing part is that, going back to the eggs, it was a man foreseen. I am really freaked out about typing this, but I had just a little hope that girls were in my future because maybe that's what was to fill in my lifelong void. Maybe if I had some sort of identity, I would be whole. Maybe if I had something concrete, something I knew for sure in my life, that I could be happy for once. Truly happy. Now, maybe not. I mean one person's opinion really could mean nothing or everything. I am a raft losing air, collapsing in on myself, sinking deeper into a nowhere. Well I just cried, again, and I am going to publish this and probably feel foolish when I reread it in a few days. I accomplished a goal last night when I took that ring off, now a million more small goals to conquer. Each one will lead me to my yet undetermined goal for life. For now though, the proverbial hen can keep her eggs, I can't look at another yoke for a while.